Ask a Canadian with Sully Sullivan

The Diary of Fools' in-house Canuck is back to answer all queries Canadian… then it's right back to his Miley Cyrus box set. 

 

Hi Sully,

I'm in the middle of planning a trip for my family, and once I figure out where they're going, I plan on heading up to Canada for a weekend of general whoring and substance abuse. Any suggestions?

Raul from Branson, MO

Dear Raul,

If you want raunch, go to Niagara Falls. I once saw a pimp smack his ho' there. It wasn't a joke either. It was a hard slap right to the mouth, and I know what you're all wondering...no, I didn't call the cops. Whatever.

As an alternative there is Montreal. which has all the pleasantries of Canadian culture, but with the slutty allure of French people mixed in there too. It's very sexy. Imagine the gluttony of a poutine, smeared across a lusty drunken barely legal American college student, while a McGill University photography major enviously films the proceeds. Forget Vegas. That is the real Sin City.

The best bet is Toronto though. The city is magnificent and if you come by my place I promise to show you a strip joint called Filmore's that will skew your mind's definition of a titty bar.

--------------------------------------------
Dear Sully,

I'm pretty sure former Blue Jays third baseman Kelly Gruber gave me chlamydia. Do you know where he can be reached?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg from Washington D.C.

Dear Ruth,

Everyone knows who the sluttiest Blue Jay of the early 90's era was. If Kelly Gruber gave you chlamydia, it was because he unknowingly contracted it from a three- or four-way involving Roberto Alomar. If you had even a half working vagina and came through Toronto between the years of 1991 and 1995, you either had sex with Roberto Alomar or with someone who had, at some point, had sex with Roberto Alomar. The statistics are foggy, but something like 100% of the children born in the Greater Toronto Area after 1992 were direct descendants of Roberto Alomar.

Now as for Kelly Gruber, if you really need to get a hold of him, I believe he runs a struggling Bicycle repair shop in Austin, Texas called "The Cycle." He works Mondays and Wednesdays between the hours of 10 am and 3 pm. On any other day he can be found solemnly feeding birds on any of the town's park benches.

---------------------------------------------
Hello Sully,

Russia has Siberia. America has North and South Dakota. Where does Canada put its undesirables?

Chet from Sarasota Springs, FL

Dear Chet,

North and South Dakota for us too. Weird..

So that's where you guys have been putting all of your undesirables? Seriously? And we have been too. Huh.

Sully Sullivan is the mind behind the web log ("blog") known as Yeah...totally, right? and the creator of Hungry Hungry Hippos, the frantic marble-munching game from Milton Bradley, in stores now.

Ask a Canadian with Sully Sullivan

What is Canada? Who are its people and what are their traditions? Customs? Sexual proclivities? Do they have hamburgers and TV there too?

Lucky for you, we actually know a real life Canadian. His name is Sully, and he's here to answer your questions in a segment we call Ask a Canadian with Sully Sullivan:

Some of the funniest mofos in the known universe are, or were Canadian. Norm Macdonald. John Candy. Jim Carrey. Phil Hartman. All of the Kids in the Hall. Pierre Trudeau. To what do you attribute the natural, inherent sense of humor of the Cana- Um...Sorry...The sense of humour of the Canadian race?

- Milt from Kalamazoo, MI

You forgot Seth Rogen, Michael Cera, Russell Peters, Mike Myers, Lorne Michaels, Ryan Reynolds, and about a billion more...you ignorant American. We evolved comedically as a defense mechanism. We're just trying to laugh the world into forgetting that we're responsible for William Shatner. America had the Industrial Revolution, Manifest Destiny, and global domination; we have jokes, jokes, and more jokes. Even steven right? Eh?

Being almost constantly drunk doesn't hurt either.

Overall we're just a happy-go-lucky fun loving bunch of goofballs who were put on this Earth for the purposes of drinking beer, wearing toques, putting maple syrup on everything, and entertaining America. That's what you wanted to hear isn't it? Fuck off.

Burton Cummings: Beloved musical ambassador, piano virtuoso, and barrier-breaking seminal Canadian Rock Star, or hairy, past-his-prime, porn-'stached embarrassment who could never hope to escape the acre-square shadow of Randy Bachman? Defend your answer with examples and context.

-Randy from Winnipeg, Manitoba

When Burton Cummings sat down and penned the massive hit "American Woman" as an affront to the decadence of American culture, little did he know that it would be blindingly embraced by all of America as an unofficial national anthem of sorts.

Each time a mulleted American clutches a Budweiser in one hand and his sister's ass in the other while belting out...

"American Woman, said get away
American Woman, listen what I say
Don't come a hangin' around my door
Don't wanna see your face no more"

...Burton Cummings further solidifies himself as the real deal. Not that it's hard to fool an American or anything.

Also, the scene in Superbad when Michael Cera serenades a room full of violent coke heads with "These Eyes." I was reduced to tears of laughter. See how I tie in Question 1 with Question 2? Journalism. That's all that is.

You're walking downtown, eastbound on College/Carlton, and have just passed Yonge. Suddenly, a Tim Horton's employee pops her head out of the front door at the College Park store, and says, "Free Timbits, coffee, and a hummer for the next dude in the door!" The moment she finishes speaking, a man walking from the general direction of the southwest entrance to the Gardens clutches his chest and slumps to the pavement. You remember that there is a Leafs legacy autograph signing event happening at the MLG that day at the exact same moment you recognize the man.

He is Daryl Sittler.

For the purposes of this quandary. assume:
1) The Horton's employee is attractive. Not a 10, but at least a solid 7-and-a-half (eight in soft lighting).
2) You are single.
3) You know CPR.
4) You are equidistant between the two, and you are the only dude close enough to get to either in time.

What'll it be? The sweet, sweet joy of completely complimentary, no-strings 'Bits, brew and mouth-hug? Or being hailed as a national hero for trying to resuscitate the NHL record holder for most points scored in a single game? Is the possible recognition that comes from maybe saving the life of a beloved ex-Leaf worth stigma of pseudo-making out with a middle-aged man while taking a pass on the dough/joe/blow trio? Or is the promise of true full-body stimulation too great to rush to the aid of the fallen four-time All-Star?

-Bobo from East Harlem, NY

Blowjobs will come and go, but going mouth to mouth with a Canadian sports hero is a once in a life time opportunity. I wish I was intelligent enough to dream up some sort of scenario where I could be having the eeriest three way ever recorded in the middle of the street with a solid eight-and-half and an unconscious Daryl Sittler, alas there isn't.

I am sort of impressed by your intimate knowledge of Yonge and Carleton/College, but unfortunately Maple Leaf Gardens is hollowed out and basically forgotten. There wouldn't be any autograph sessions there, but a deranged Daryl Sittler wandering up to an empty building and setting up his own autographing station is not entirely outside of the realm of possibility.

FUCK...wait...I think I got it. I grab Sittler's limp body and drag him into the Tim Horton's just beating a deceptively fast hobo through the door. I make sure to have Daryl's body through first. At this point I have the eight-and-a-half give Sittler a blowie while I administer CPR and masturbate feverishly.

About the writer: When not answering your questions on everything Canadian, Sully Sullivan can be found panicking over the latest bloody, unresponsive hooker found in his motel bed.

Get more Sully at his very own blog, Yeah… totally, right?

Introducing "Ask a Canadian with Sully Sullivan"

Canada. O, Canada. Our glorious and free neighbor to the north.

And though we share the longest common border in the world (5,525 miles or 8,892 kilometers as it's known everywhere else on fucking Earth), we hardly know one another. Well, except for the lazy stereotypes. You know the ones - maple syrup, hockey, gravy on french fries, asexual reproduction… but the truth of the matter is, Canada is so much more. Sure, viewed through our jingoistic-colored glasses, it may, like the rest of the world, appear to us as inferior to the U.S. of fuckin' A. It's an attitude most likely adopted as a result of our top-notch healthcare unparalleled financial system fair labor practices tasty snack chips.

But as Toronto's-own Sully Sullivan (of the hilarity-filled blog Yeah... totally, right?) shares with us in his new regular column Ask a Canadian, when compared to America, The People's Republic of Canuckistan is the tops. Both in a literal, geographic sense and in a euphemistic prison rape kind of a way.

So now, with no further turdification, allow me to present the inaugural edition of Ask a Canadian with DoF resident Canadian, Sully Sullivan.

Enjoy,

Blaine

Before a 2004 visit to Canada, the U.S. Office of the Chief of Protocol compiled an extensive list of Canadian quirks and customs for then-president George W. Bush to review in order to avoid any international embarrassment. This list included things such as "In Quebec, the thumbs down sign is considered offensive." What would you have included on this list?

(Muffy from Lincoln, NE)

Being American is offensive to Canadians. That fact right there must have put Bush at an immediate disadvantage.

George, a few quick tips for next time you're elected president, engage in a ridiculous war, piss all over the global economy and have to visit Canada:

1) Don't smoke while you eat: Canadians are disgusted by someone smoking while eating. I have seen Americans do this and I can say, beyond any doubt, that I'd rather watch Willem Defoe do nude hot yoga before seeing another American smoke while they eat food.

2) Please don't middle-finger us: In the US, the middle finger is a stop gap cure-all for a wide variety of social ailments, but here in Canada we haven't degraded the potency of "the bird" near as far. It still stings a little when we're faced with it.

3) We are serious about poutine regardless of whether or not we are French Canadian: I know what you were probably thinking while reading the CoP's notes, "Hey I'll just go up there and tell a bunch of slightly jabbing, but overall playful poutine jokes and everyone will have a good time about it." NO! That's hurtful. That's hurtful and it's wrong.

4) Remember, Hockey is Baseball without the "pussy": Don't bother acting like you can bask in our love of hockey because you share a similar passion for the sport of baseball. Comparing baseball to hockey is like comparing your fat uncle to me. I'm stronger and faster with a better mullet.

5) There are no Bob Evans restaurant chains here: Asking where you can find the nearest Bob Evans only alerts us to the fact that you are American, which as I said above, is greatly offensive to us.

Hope I helped.

Is it true that prime minister Stephen Harper's power originates from his impeccable side-part, and as a precautionary measure his feathery coif is protected at tax payer's expense by an invisible bullet-proof laminate developed by the CSIS?

(Larry from Seattle, WA)

Harper's hair was actually born in rural Massachusetts to a military family. A gun prodigy, the young coif, attended West Point and was eventually trained by the CIA. Now an old do', decorated in the purplest of all American war medals, the hair has retired in Canada atop the Prime Minister's magnificent melon where it is regarded as the finest of eyebrow umbrellas.

See? Now you know that our Prime Minister is actually 3.5% American. We're learning!

Canadian-born Conrad Bain won me over with his unforgettable portrayal of wealthy housing developer Phillip Drummond in the early 80s American sitcom, Diff'rent Strokes. If the USA approached Canada regarding a trade for Conrad Bain in exchange for Wilford Brimley, Patrick Duffy and a Jonas Brother to be named later, would you be in favor? Why or why not?

(Rupert from El Paso, TX)

We should have named this column "Ask a Young Canadian". It would have been more appropriate and also pre-warned the editors of this blog that "Diff'rent Strokes" is something my father probably watched. I've quickly Google image searched him, and my stars, is he ever a handsome man. It would take a lot to pry him away from us. Based strictly on looks, Brimley's moustachio is incomparable and every time he pronounces diabetes like "diabeeetus", I piss my pants laughing. But look, I'm not rich and have a very limited supply of clean pants so this is actually a strike against him. Patrick Duffy is a wash, he's all smiley and charming and "old guy good looking" I guess, but I can't remember which 90s bullshit family sitcom he starred on, so he can stuff himself.

Was it "Step by Step"? It was...wasn't it?

What the fuck is a Jonas brother? Is that like a sex move? "Man, I gave that broad the dirtiest fucking Jonas Brother I've ever laid out, bro. SICK!" A "Jonas Brother" of course being when you wedge yourself into someone's life and then alternate fist fucking their ears and eyes.

Overall decision: Diabeeeeeeeeeeeetus. I simply cannot turn Wilfred Brimley away. He comes with a shitload of instant oatmeal right?

Questions for Sully? Email 'em to diaryoffools@hotmail.com