So nice, we've posted it twice.
Originally published 8/12/08
By Reno Gruber, Newly Single and Able to Tingle.
In honor of a recent summer lady-friend breaking it off with Reno via email (no ‘sorry, that sucks!’ needed, she merely beat Reno to the punch. Damn you, perceptive women!) I would like to nominate the worst (greatest) ways to break off those pesky summer flings we all fall into.
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5.) The aforementioned email-outty.
This particular diddy is wrought with disaster as its fucking impossible to read tone or intent via email, and with common spelling and syntax errors (which you know Reno is quite accustomed to making,) most of the time you don’t even realize what the fuck is happening until the last line.
Email break-ups are also generally littered with awful cliche and constipated thoughts that generally make an easy break-up frustrating. Personally, it wasn’t that I found it all that heart-breaking, but her over use of “It is what it is” made me want to magically turn into a girl for a minute so I could giveher hair a good tuggin’.
(note: DOF does NOT encourage violence against women unless you can actually turn into a woman temporarily, in which case the DOF loves a good cat-fight, MEOW!)
Reno advises a short but sweet, band-aid treatment. Or yah know, leaving a rambling voice-message like a real human being.
4.) The Facebook status change.
Nothing says “You meant nothing to me” like the shaming that is the Facebook relationship status change. That little broken heart avatar takes a casual summer-sex affair and makes you feel like a second-born Chinese baby…for about 15 minutes. Then you realize someone just fucking ‘face-booked’ about their personal life and god should probably choke-slam their soul. However, your relationship’s demise sandwiched between them becoming a fan of “Grey’s Anatomy” and them ‘friending’ someone else really is a nice tomahawk dunk to your nuts.
Bonus points if you see that they did it, realized they did it, regretted it, un-did it…then just said fuck it and did it again.
(Note: you actually win if someone did this to you. Unless they gave you genny warts first. Then of course, you always lose.)
Reno suggests you A) stop announcing yourself on facebook you clown …but if that’s to late; B) return serve, and then quickly create a three pronged attack to destroy their facebook character (which is actually an oxymoron.)
3.) The singing telegram
This is actually an emotional roller-coaster worth taking I’d imagine. If someone is creative and sadistic to send you a singing telegram, you may try to get that person back. God doesn’t just create genius all the time, you know. At worst, make sure they don’t have any revealing pictures of you, because they’re not long for their private archives.
For your sake, let’s hope they wrote the lyrics and they include searing personal insults about your inabilities to please them in the sack, or that your breath that reminds one of Nacho Cheese Doritos. At least you can have a few laughs at your own expense.
Something like.
“You gave me the clap just by sitting on my lap. I knew you were all dead inside when you felt like cold raw-hydddddddddddddddddde!”
You have to respect that level of creative expression, even if they leave you a quivering mess. Reno suggests nothing, in this case. They won, resoundingly.
2.) The post-it note.
Maybe the least caring way to say “you’re useless to my junk.” If you can summarize your feelings for someone as briefly and impersonally as you are allowed on a single post it note, hastily stuck in a semi-public place, than you probably should just realize you’re a spawn of Satan, and understand that hell awaits your inevitable demise.
However, Reno congratulates your hubris and applauds your level of detachment to others, as it’s a common theme here at the ‘Diary.’
Reno has no suggestions for those who receive this. Maybe therapy? I’d also consider kegel exercises. You probably need to work on your stamina.
(Update: Apparently Sex and the City covered this; which makes me such a Samantha!)
1.) The Jumbotron Humiliation.
Reserved for only the most vindictive types; what better way to announce your new-found apathy towards a former lover than to share it with 20,000 of your peers? Now, you will be heavily censored in this endeavor, so you will want to make sure you either keep it simple and to the point, or cleverly include an innuendo most will get, but the sex-deprived score-board operator would be lost on. Any slang post 1997 should suffice. Sorry, that means “Bumping Uglies” is out.
Bonus points if you can actually set it up so that you’re not present; you never want to be anywhere beer or nacho cheese is prevalent when breaking up with someone… unless you have a nice shirt that needs a little flavoring.
If this happens to you, Reno suggests pure ignorance. As sharp as this is, there is the chance nobody around you sees it. If so, your only option is to claim your buddy did it and play it as a joke. Feel free to go into the bathroom and drown your sorrows in the trough after the laughter and finger-pointing begins to subside.
BONUS- Readers Choice.
Post your favorite addition/ personal story to this in the comment section. The best comment will get free DOF swag when we finally get that stuff printed. (should be by next week.) If you can beat Merton, Blaine, Lucy, Alistair or Barry, then you deserve some free shit.
Reno suggests you fucking do this.
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