Urinalysis: Chick Edition

The Ladies Room, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the female latrine. Our five hour mission: to explore popular topics of gossip, to seek out relief from bladder pressure and the people annoying us wherever we may be, to boldly go where no man has gone before (except when we need their strength to use the toilet plunger).

As I understand it, there seems to be some “mystery” surrounding the bathroom habits of modern females. I say modern because I refuse to contemplate anything having to deal with poop before we all had our own indoor plumbing. This “mystery” is according to guys and deals with mostly with why we go to the bathroom in groups of two or more and why we take so long. Personally, I don’t find it strange that I sometimes like to partake in group peeing. It’s not as though we all sit on one giant toilet and pee simultaneously.

Let me start with the basics. Females are biologically programmed (in our brains) to be the more social sex of the human race. I’m not sure if this actually has anything to do with our social hour pee time; I just thought I’d throw that out there. So while the male brain portion controlling sexual impulses is 2.5 times larger and thus consumes most male thoughts, we women are thinking “gee, we’d really love to chat right now and have some good old social interaction” a majority of the time. This seems to have spilled over into our bathroom habits.

Another thing to remember is that women have to pee a lot more than most men. I schedule pee time into my day. I know that after a certain amount of time I will have to go pee, no matter what, so I really hope there will be a bathroom that I can use wherever I may be (no, I do not need to take medicine for this). When my sister recently consulted me about what time she should arrive at the airport I told her to have enough allotted amount of time to go pee before you get on the plane. No one enjoys peeing on planes; I’m still afraid that when you flush the toilet you’ll get sucked right out of the plane at 35,000 feet, never mind how tiny those things are.

According to my scientific research mentioned above, when you combine the social nature and physical makeup of the female bladder you get the abnormally long group trips to the bathroom. The basics are simple, moving beyond and further in depth is not so simple. Now, about that, let me go pee real fast before I get into it . . . .

Not Your Typical Commute

I ride the NYC subway to and from work every day, plus everywhere else I go in NYC (not you Staten Island, no one likes you), and I thoroughly enjoy doing so. I love the 20-25 minutes I get to myself to read and listen to my Ipod. On top of that you get to witness some of the best entertainment that the city has to offer.

I've seen the typical panhandlers doing a typical song transform into pole dancing panhandlers, using the subway poles that are meant for support as their own personal strip club; I've seen people go off on all sorts of tirades, shouting about how they are the "crack head son of Jesus"; heck, I've even seen several people masturbating on the subway (total normal occurrence, watch out ladies). Bottom line, ANYTHING can and will happen on the subway.This morning alone I saw a lover's quarrel which was very entertaining and TWO midgets, I mean little people, one of whom may or may not have, upon exiting the train, opened up the bottom of the trash can, walked in and closed the trash door behind him. True story, I couldn't find where that lil' bugger went.

However, I feel like I have seen nothing when compared to the video below. Enjoy.


CAN WE HAVE A CLOSE UP PLEASE?!?!?!?

I Love You New York Newspapers

Local New York newspapers tend to be hysterical. They have ridiculous headlines and attention grabbing full page photos of something usually shameful. I don't buy any of them, I look at them on their stands from afar. I prefer to read one of the free papers they hand out at all subway entrances, exits, platforms, etc.

This morning I grabbed an "AM New York" and read through the little snippets as usual until I came upon this article and proceeded to choke on my laughter while on the train to work. (At least we have a lot of insane people in NYC, so no one payed me any mind.)

"Suspect nabbed in B'klyn butt slapping

Police may have caught the serial "butt slapper" of Crown Heights.

Cops were questioning a man last night suspected of slapping and groping at least a few dozen women in the past few weeks.

"These assaults are degrading, insulting and frightening for the women and families of Crown Heights" said City Councilwoman Letitia James (D-Brooklyn.)

The most recent incident, according to the NYPD, was on Sunday, at Crown Street and Troy Avenue. James said the man, described as tall and skinny, sometimes does his slapping while riding a bicycle.

Several of the victims were Hasidic Jewish women, James said. (Jason Fink)

TLC: Programming Gold

Part 1: "18 Kids and Counting", The Duggars Get Their Freak On.

This may come as a shock to some people, but I’m not what one would call “maternal”. I don’t really see the lure; I must admit that sometimes I entertain the thought of possibly liking children, but today I’m sort of thinking that they’re just festering vessels of disease threatening the world with a pandemic of H1N1, swine children. Which is why the programming on TLC is so GD interesting to me; in case you haven’t noticed, every show on TLC has to do with babies, kids, children, los ninos, whatever they’re called. And they all have to deal with a shit load of kids such as “Jon & Kate plus 8” “18 Kids and Counting” “Table for 12” “Kids by the Dozen” and/or/including the incredulous “I didn’t Know I was Pregnant” (yes that is an actual show) “Toddlers & Tiaras”. TLC has got the baby fever and it makes for some programming gold.

I could probably go on forever with each of these shows. “Jon & Kate plus 8” is a video reminder for why I should never get married or have kids. That whole effing family annoys me and drags my spirits down; those kids never shut the hell up. At the end of each episode I want to kill Kate and give Jon his balls back and tell him to run for the nearest exit, sorry kiddies you’re stuck with that biotch Kate. “Table for 12” and “Kids by the Dozen” are just eh whatever. But the real gold lies in “18 Kids and Counting” (my vag just aches writing that shit) and “I didn’t Know I was Pregnant”; “Toddlers & Tiaras” is always fascinating but I had to stop watching because my three sizes too small heart doesn’t agree with that shit, those poor kids (is that maternal?).

For those of you who don’t know who the Duggar family of “18 Kids and Counting” are, let me fill you in real quick. The Duggars are a conservative Baptist family based out of Arkansas. After suffering a miscarriage early in their marriage, the parents Michelle and Jim-Bob (a name you’d only find in America) felt it was due to their use of contraceptives and decided that from then on they would let God decide how many kids they should have. Well, it looks as though God decided to fuck them, because God said 18, for now (I think I only counted 14 in that lovely picture to the left). For the past 20 years, Michelle Duggar has gotten preggo and given birth every year and a half. Which explains the cuckoo look in her eyes and her weird ass chipper voice, how long has it been since she’s had a drink?

The Duggar’s eldest child, Joshua 21, got married last September and his wife, Anna, is already pregnant. As part of their strict conservative Baptist faith, the Duggar’s practice “courtship” rather than dating. Long story short, the Duggar children are only allowed to hold hands with their “date” and are to save their first kiss until their wedding. Wherever they go with their “date” is chaperoned by someone else to make sure nothing questionable happens. On last week’s episode, Josh and his wife took us all along to their first ob-gyn visit, the very same OB doctor Michelle Duggar uses (gross). This disappoints me immensely, but I was unable to find a clip of this hysterical moment. Let me explain what happens, although it will not nearly do this justice.

Josh and Anna are were describing Anna’s morning sickness and her inability to swallow pills and inquired about chewable prenatal vitamins. If you are anywhere near as perverted as I am you’ll have already guessed where this is going. Well, Josh then commented on how Anna can normally swallow and says “She’s like the master of swallowing” then smiles at the camera. Um, excuse me? After I finished pissing my pants from laughing and rewinding the DVR several times I barfed and then cried a little on the inside. I then wondered, if she’s so good at swallowing, how is Anna already preggo so soon into their marriage?

The Duggar children may not kiss before marriage but they sure as shit don’t keep things kosher after they say “I do”. I always imagined that sex with a Duggar would be done through a hole in the sheet, all gross and shit. Turns out, I’m wrong. They get it on, hardcore. My guess is that since they couldn’t kiss before tying the knot, after they do they are super duper freaks. On a side note, I really hope that my mom didn’t read any of this.

I Blame this on Watchmen

Last week while seeing "Watchmen" on Imax I was inundated with giant blue peen. Now, there is small green peen in the form of a youtube video showing some turtle doing sexy times with a shoe. Ugghhhh, and I just ate a salad for lunch, full of GREEN things. Barf.





Honestly, the close up was not necessary and what is up with the sounds that turtle is making?

Osama Egg Layden

by Lucy Parker, Ornithological Terrorism Expert

A short time after the miraculous emergency plane landing in the Hudson River I received a phone call from my concerned mother. It was along the lines of this:

Mom: I just saw on Fox News that a plane crashed in the Hudson River
Me: Don't worry mom, it's not terrorists, it was a pack of geese supposedly
Mom: (silence)
Me: Fine, it was terrorist geese from Iraq sent by Al Qaeda
Mom: Funny
Me: Stop watching Fox News

In all fairness, CNN was running the same headline of “Plane Crashes in the Hudson River” on their website. And I’m not sure if this is my general paranoia of flying that developed after 9/11 (for about 75% of a flight I am usually thinking I am going to die in a fiery air ball at 35,000 ft.), or the constant stream of up to the minute news, but my immediate thought was terrorism. I have a sneaking suspicion that a lot of people thought that as well.

While I am an informed citizen of the world, I do limit my news sources, because they all tend to sensationalize stories to draw in viewership. And nothing draws in news viewership like fear. After I had that little convo with my mother this got me thinking as to how Fox News, more specifically Bill O’Reilly, would present the story of the plane crash. This is how it all went down in my head:

O’Reilly: Horror on the Hudson, all 155 passengers and crew members lucky to be alive after an apparent terrorist attack by a pack of renegade geese sent to America by Al Qaeda. Here is an artist’s interpretation of the terrorist suspects.

We’ve heard of the “Western Al Queda” but who knew they were so close to home? Canadian Geese, terrorizing the skies. Who are these Geese from the North? And, why do they hate our freedom?

Tonight we have with us a leading expert on Canadian Geese, Tom Miller. Tom?

Miller: Yes, Bill. It is nice to be here.

O’Reilly: Now Tom, you’ve been researching Canadian Geese for quite some time now. Isn’t that correct?

Miller: Yes, since 1975 actually. Almost 35 years.

O’Reilly: Any insight you could give us on this new edition to the global campaign on terror?

Miller: Certainly. What most people don’t know is that Canadian Geese have been terrorizing the skies of America for quite some time now. Fortunately, we have some tools to combat these cowards.

O’Reilly: What sort of tools are we talking about here?

Miller: It ranges from the basic to the sophisticated, from firing noisemaking projectiles to making wildlife areas they normally inhabit inhospitable to radar.

O’Reilly: Radar? Is this the best we can do? . . . Hold on just one minute Tom, I’m getting news of a video of the terrorist geese. Can we see that video please?

O’Reilly: Not only do they appear to be at some sort of training facility, they appear to be mocking us. This is appalling . . . we’ll be back after this commercial break.

How'd You Spend New Year's Eve?

Over in Foggy Londontown (a.k.a Britain) their emergency number, 999, was at their highest volume rate called every 7 seconds on mostly alcohol related issues. And I thought my night quickly deteriorated when I stopped using a glass for my champagne and just drank straight from the bottle.

An article entitled "Boozy Britain's bloody New Year: A 999 call every seven seconds in alcohol-induced mayhem" featured in Britian's Daily Mail obviously captured my attention by the words boozy, bloody, and mayhem. It could possibly be some of the English language's greatest words, and they were all used in one title. Perhaps even more catching is the very first picture used in the article. Homeboy got effed up, hard core.

And, the pictures just get better as you scroll down. The captions under the pictures are equally as great. After a recent discussion with Merton Sussex, I am now imagining the newscasters of the BBC delivering this news story with their end of sentence pitch tone increase.

Here are some of my personal favorite tidbits from the article:

- One man called 999 to ask if New York was in America and what time it was in New York.

- They actually set up "booze buses" throughout towns in England to deal with minor alcohol incidents, in an obvious anticipation of events to come.

- In a town called Essex all 200 jail cells were full of drunkards, the rest had to be shipped to a nearby town to be held.

- I don't think I can list anymore, it's just too much.

Check it out for yourself

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1103843/Boozy-Britains-bloody-New-Year-A-999-seven-seconds-alcohol-induced-mayhem.html

Super Stores: Super Fun & Super Dumb

By Lucy Parker, Super Store Enthusiast and Basher

America has an obsession with “super stores”, Target Greatland, Wal-mart Super Center, Sam’s Club, Costco and BJ’s. At these one-stop shops you can get everything from a pair of socks, to a Christmas tree, to a gallon of mayo. And, let’s not forget Ikea, where you can spend hours walking in their store layout, forced to follow those arrows around what is probably the size of an airport hangar looking at mediocre Swedish household items. Although people complain about these places in reference to shit that is wrong with America (i.e. excess), most people (including yours truly) cannot get enough of these places. I don’t know what it is!

In my own defense, I must say that it is a very rare opportunity that I get to visit these establishments. Manhattan is a size constrained island and having airport hangars full of gallons of mayo would require some serious real estate acquisitions on the company’s behalf, although there is no doubt they are probably trying to do so. (They opened one in Brooklyn, but how am I supposed to get all my crap back on the subway?) Thus, every chance I get to go to one of these places, I jump at the opportunity. It’s like a friggin' field trip that fills me with amazement and the undying urge to buy shit I don’t need. At one trip to a Sam’s club I purchased 36 ice cream sandwiches. Why? BECAUSE I COULD! Did I eat them? No, I had about two. I was so ashamed, that is until my most recent experience with the super store, Ikea.

One of my roommates had access to a car and planned on visiting Ikea with her family. Seeing this as a prime opportunity, I immediately wanted to go. However, it wasn’t possible and I went to Ikea’s website and found a nice dresser for my room. I gave my roommate the money necessary to purchase the item and she delivered it right to our apartment, a success by any means. Only everything went horribly wrong and I ended up needing to exchange the dresser because, super stores always known for their “quality”, half the parts were missing. What else should I expect from a store whose instruction manuals don't even include words? Graciously, one of my friends agreed to drive me there, on a Saturday night.

And, that is when I realized how much it sucks to be an adult sometimes and the very real possibility that my life is pathetic. I had to get a number, like I was at the DMV, and wait to be called. So, there I was in Paramus, NJ, on a Saturday night sitting at Ikea’s customer service with my half dresser and half ass watching “Final Destination 3”.

The only thing that made this night better was that when I looked up after checking my phone, a crowd had gathered around the TV playing “Final Destination 3” in the waiting area. A crowd that included my two friends and people who weren’t even waiting for their numbers to be called, they were just passing by with their shopping carts and somehow got entranced into that horrible movie. My number was called and I exchanged my dresser and ripped my friends away from “Final Destination 3”. We placed my dresser in the car, so we could move around Ikea at ease. Of course we weren’t leaving.

Not only were we not leaving, but it became essential that we stop by the food place and stock up on food items for one dollar (hot dogs, ice cream, etc.) I saved my food money for the cinnamon buns at the end. We didn’t care that we only had an hour and fifteen minutes until the place closed, never mind that only a week before I had sworn off Ikea and all similar stores (not you Target, I love you) on moral principles. We were at Ikea and we were going to make the most of it, damnit.

A lot of people would ask what you can get done at Ikea in only one hour and fifteen minutes. My answer is a lot. Common sense tells you that in general you are going to want at least 2 hours there, given the sheer size of the place and the fact that they do sell food, as if it were some sort of marathon where nourishment is needed such as Gatorade. Actually after my sprint through Ikea, it would be preferable if there were some sort of stand set up throughout the airport hangar where you can get electrolyte sports drinks, I’ll take red please.

Dresser free and well stocked on high caloric nourishment, my friends and I proceeded to what I would call “crash shop” our way through Ikea. It was reminiscent of those designer bridal gown sales where people line up hours in advance and tear through the store to find their dress, although not quite on that scale. We were literally power walking our way through, and with 15 minutes to spare were able to get two dressers (3 if you count the one I exchanged), 3 lamps, drawer compartment organizers, and some bamboo. The topic of discussion on the car ride home was that we didn’t have enough time and that we must return ASAP.

The worst part was that I whole heartedly concurred. I had just had a horrible experience with Ikea that will forever be emblazoned in my brain, but one little 2 hour excursion at Ikea broke me. All I needed was to see that ugly, lit up, yellow Ikea sign and I was immediately drawn to it, like a mosquito to a lamp. I cannot wait until we go again, and I am ashamed that I am not the least bit ashamed.

Champion of Society

Naming Your Kids Dumb Shit

There is an infinite list of crap that you can do to screw up your kid’s life, most of which you have no control over. However, naming your kid is something you do have control over. So before naming your kid you should consider all the possibilities and then consider the name contenders default nickname’s a.k.a shit your kid could be tormented with.



I never really got why people would name their kid Richard, it’s too easy. As soon as kids are old enough to realize what dick means, you know they’ll be using it against the poor schmuck named Richard. Kids will use anything they can think of against a name, literally. Take the name Mary, it’s a very common name, no one could be made fun of for that. Wrong. As each generation gets older, let’s just say they “mature” a lot faster than you would think. Thought nothing was wrong with Mary, well here’s a little ditty I once heard “Mary, Mary, quite contrary, well the hell is your p*ssy so goddamn hairy?” It is that simple people.


So think long and hard people before you go naming your kid because not only will they have to suffer with it until they can legally change it, but they will resent you even more than they already probably will. Take this dude for example, Mark Ciptak of Tennessee and his wife had already chosen on a nice name for their baby girl, Ava Grace. Apparently that didn’t suit Mr. Ciptak, because after their little bundle of joy was born he decided to name his daughter Sarah McCain Palin.


Mr. Ciptak is quoted as saying “I took one for the cause . . . I can’t give a lot of financial support for the campaign. I do have a sign up in my yard, but I can do very little.” In addition to naming his kid after douche number 1 and douche number 2, it seems as if he never even discussed this with his wife because she still doesn’t believe him. If Mr. Ciptak wanted to name his kid after a terrible political leader, he should have named it Richard Nixon; two birds, one stone, if only it was a boy.

http://www.tricities.com/tri/news/local/article/elizabethton_baby_named_sarah_mccain_palin/14996/

I Salute you Philly

Vice-presidential candidate and self-proclaimed hockey mom Sarah Palin spent this past Saturday at a Philadelphia Flyers’ game to drop the ceremonial first puck. Philly fans are known to be the most brutal in the nation and they basically tore Palin a new one. To be fair, as the video goes on the initial onslaught of the very audible boos just sort of turns into a mash up of random noise. My favorite are the people giving the thumbs down sign in the background.

I must say that I am happy that Philly fans are obnoxious a-holes. Not only do I enjoy a good boo-ing and other generally obnoxious sports fan behavior, but most other places would have given her the obligatory golf clap and moved on. So, I salute you Philadelphia for always letting your true feelings be known, and for doing so in a rude manner.

Champion of Society: If at First You Don’t Succeed, Try, Try, Try Again . . . Until You Shoot Yourself

Florida – 29 year old Jonathon Guabello and his girlfriend returned home early Wednesday morning after a night out. Guabello wanted to get down; his girlfriend used the old “I’m tired” routine and rebuffed his advances. Apparently, this agitated Guebello so much so that he decided to shoot himself in the arm, twice. But, he didn’t stop there. Oh, no, why stop now?

Guabello then decided to take him and his shot up arm into the spare bedroom, where his girlfriend sought refuge and threatened her (if begging and pleading don’t work out, try shooting yourself then threaten the girl! 60% of the time, it works all the time). Somewhere along the way the girlfriend found the brains to call the cops, but not before Guabello moved his drunk ass into the kitchen where he knocked himself unconscious by hitting his head on the oven.

I applaud your effort, Mr. Guabello. However, next time your girl denies you, just whack it and call it a night. It’ll save you those criminal charges of threatening violence and firing a weapon in an occupied dwelling, along with the $100,000 bail.

http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/local/southflorida/sfl-1002-sex-denial,0,2150341.story

Pop Culture: The Celebrity Sexual Spectrum and Kids Today

by Lucy Parker

I don’t know what I find more frightening, the guilt of purity rings or the brazen displays of sexual promiscuity of “Gossip Girl”. One thing I am certain of, is that I am happy that I do not have to participate in the time-honored tradition of the “bird and the bees” talk with an adolescent any time soon. I wouldn’t even know where to begin with the recent pop culture onslaught of sexuality, or lack thereof depending on which celebrity you are talking about.

It seems that within the last two years or so Hollywood and pop culture in general has begun to shift on views of sex and sexuality. A lot of older people tend to dismiss much of what is going on in pop culture, but adolescents are being constantly inundated by TV shows, radio, and tabloids. And there seems to be hardly any middle ground on the topic, just extreme opposites. It would confuse anyone.

On one side of the celebrity sexual spectrum there is the Disney group, freakishly popular and powerful. The Jonas Brothers, Selena Gomez, and the High School Musical cast (however, some of them should probably be on Gossip Girl), are multi-million dollar money making machines that adolescents (and my roommate) cannot get enough of. Anything they can put those kids faces on, they will market; pens, pillows, DVD’s, clothing, etc.

However, this marketing isn’t anything that hasn’t been seen before. Actually, one Christmas I received a poster and video tape of a Backstreet Boys concert from Blaine Fridley himself. The big push that gets these usually craptastic items frenzied off the shelf are the parents of these kids who are hopped up on the purity rings a good number of these people wear. The majority of the Disney group kids have sworn to remain chaste until marriage, and to prove their commitment to this promise they wear a ring on their wedding finger. They also go to church a lot, discuss Jesus, and are constantly surrounded by adults deemed “trust worthy”.

Then there are shows like “Gossip Girl” and “90210”. The advertisements alone for “Gossip Girl” caused quite an up stir, OMFG. Basically, these two shows are the same except for the back drop. They’re about a bunch of well to do kids with little to no parental supervision, who somehow get into swanky New York clubs and Hollywood hang-outs to drink/snort the night away, and for their hobbies spend their time giving BJ’s in the school parking lot and bed jumping. But at least they are fashionably dressed while doing so.

Yeah, yeah, yeah there’s other stuff involved, but no one tunes in for that. “90210” is 3 or 4 shows in to the series and people (i.e. me) are already calling for someone to a) lose their v-card, b) get pregnant, c) overdose on something, d) all of the above. Sounds horrible, right? That’s because it is. But these TV shows (including Disney’s) are fantasy, not real; and they are being targeted to young girls who have a hard time distinguishing what is real and what is not.

The kids in Hollywood can’t even distinguish. Case in point, Miley Cyrus of Hannah Montana and Vanessa Hudgens of High School Musical; both brought up in the squeaky clean Disney machine, both have had some very questionable pictures surface, some very Gossip Girl material, all taking place while they were 16 and under. When these pictures surfaced of a naked Hudgens and a, well the list is too long for the range of pictures of Cyrus, both girls had to publicly apologize for something that they did privately. They weren’t doing anything illegal or anything that the majority of this country hasn’t already done, but now these girls are labeled as whores.

The girls on the “Gossip Girl” and “90210” aren’t even labeled as such, in fact those girls are somewhat revered. Cyrus and Hudgens are celebrity sexual spectrum road kill, berated because their personal decisions have fallen somewhere in the middle. They can’t hang with the purity ring people because, you know, they’re “whores”, and they can’t hang out with the “Gossip Girl” people because they’re not vicious enough. So they’re sort of swept to the side.

So, my question is how are teenagers/young adults, now and in the coming years, going to respond to these two extremes in their own lives? Kids in America pretty much do what they want to do based upon who they hang out with and where their interests lie. So my guess, based solely upon my highly scientific celebrity research, is that there will be three groups: group 1) the purity ring group and their diametrically opposed group 2) the gossip girl group, and the middle ground where the majority will lay 3) the sexual spectrum road kill. It’s almost similar to what’s been seen in the past, but with more OMFGs, green bra references, and diamond encrusted purity rings from Tiffany’s.

Political Gimmicks

By Lucy Parker

I follow politics pretty closely, here in America and abroad as well. I find the whole American election process to be interesting; from the actual candidate to the political strategists and the all too typical itineraries politicians seem to be on since birth. One thing always seemed apparent to me, whether Republican or Democrat, all politicians are pretty much the same, just different labels.

However, in 2004 at the Democratic national convention my interest was peaked by a young Illinois state senator. Ever since his key note speech, I have followed Senator Barack Obama; a former community organizer to United States senator, and now the Democratic nominee for president of the United States. Needless to say, it was apparent that this election would be like no other election this country has seen. I saw it as an indication of this county’s progress, an indication of what this country might yet one day be. In early 2007, when Senator Obama announced his candidacy for president of the United States it was an understatement to say he gave me hope, he gave me faith.

The Democratic primaries would be a historic race, and Hilary Clinton proved to be a formidable opponent. While I was not a supporter of Senator Clinton, she has a proven political record and is capable of running this country, something I could respect. I was proud, not only as a Hispanic woman, but as an American; that in only a few short decades since the Civil Rights Movement and in under a century since women fought and earned the right to vote, we were in the midst of a presidential election where two of the top candidates were an African-American and a female.

With a majority of the country’s political attention span staying focused on what was happening with the Democratic primaries, it became clear after a tight race that Senator Obama would win the nomination. And even when it was clear that Senator Obama would win the nomination, the momentum stayed with the Democrats. A desperate move would be needed, a move that would either sink or swim the Republican chance at presidency. The Republicans never being one to be short on political strategy, came up with the biggest political gimmick of them all by naming Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin as their Vice Presidential nominee.

Sarah who? I had only heard of Governor Palin once before, when it was announced that she was 7 months pregnant while in office. An apparent news worthy event. A self-styled “maverick”, Senator John McCain and his campaign made repeated references to how Governor Palin has taken on the good ol’ boys club, while offering little to back it up. A simple Google search would yield the necessary information needed about Governor Palin.

This self-described “hockey mom” who likes to hunt and the great outdoors is also a life-long member of the NRA and supports drilling in Alaska, including the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR); has stated as recently as a month ago, then taken back, that she thinks global warming is not caused by man, and has gone up against the government to remove polar bears and beluga whales from the endangered species list. I guess that is what they are referring to when they say Governor Palin has gone against the good ol’ boys club, because a further look into her policies shows otherwise. Governor Palin is against a women’s right to choose, even in cases of rape and incest; she is against same sex marriages and in the past has supported referendums denying same sex couples state health benefits. Governor Palin also supports the death penalty and abstinence only sex education programs, and her foreign policy literally scares me.

These are not new policies; Governor Palin does not represent the reform this country needs, just like Senator McCain doesn’t. So, why did Senator McCain chose her as his running mate? Because she is a female, and because after the last 8 years of the Bush administration, they needed to present some form of opportunity of change. For Governor Palin, being female is the only difference.

It is true, the woman vote is powerful. But, to expect us to vote for someone, to expect anyone, to vote for someone because of their gender, is insulting. I have never once doubted that in my life time I would see a female president, or a could-be female president. However, I, like so many other Americans, imagined that the female candidate would be someone worthy and capable of the position, not someone who was chosen as a political gimmick. Personally, I cast my vote based upon the candidate who has the most similar political policies as I do.

While I do not agree with Governor Palin’s political policies, it is not the reason I do not find her capable of the office of vice president. Governor Palin put it best as to why she isn’t ready to be vice president: "As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?" (CNBC's "Kudlow & Co", July 2008)

The Intricacies of Public Transportation:
Commonsense , Common Courtesy & Common Douchebagary

By: Lucy Parker

I do not own a car, nor do I have need for one. I live in New York City and it is not only completely unnecessary to own a car, it is just flat out smarter to not own one (unless you have loads of money). I commute daily, along with millions of other people, on the New York subway system. The New York subway system is great, for $81 a month I can go anywhere in the 5 boroughs of New York as much as I want, not to mention my daily work commute.

Like anything else, the subway does have its down sides: it can be dirty, it can be very crowded, there is such a thing as “train traffic” that can hold you underground for what seems an eternity, construction on the system (which can also hold you underground), it’s about as hot as the first rung of hell on the platform during the summer (I suggest you never wear jeans , or any sort of long pants during the summer if you know you are going to go underground at any point to ride the subway. Seriously, I haven’t worn pants since early June.), etc. While these are indeed annoying problems, I would gladly deal with any or all of them if I did not have to deal with the extreme nuisance that is a douchebag commuter. It is my opinion that the most annoying problems, are the people who ride the trains.

This may seem overkill to those who do not live in NYC or have never used its mass transit. But, this is a hot topic of conversation amongst NY public transportation commuters. Not only is it a hot topic but the discussions are often very passionate. The list of grievances against the douchebag commuter can be long or short, depending on who you talk to. Although, I must say that when asking some of my friends about what annoyed them the most about the subway, the conversations were very comical and explicative ridden. The following is diagnosis of only a few of the douchebag symptoms seen on the subway:

Last Seat Syndrome: By far the most coveted spot on the train is the last seat on the end near the door. Not only are you one of the few lucky ones to actually get a seat, it is easy to exit the train when you get to your stop, unlike those pesky seats in the middle where you have to barrel through middle of the train like a running back to exit (I sometimes question if I should even sit in those seats during rush hour). Entering and exiting the train is a delicate dance between commuters that is often fucked up by douchebags, but I’ll get to that later. Recently, however, the coveted last seat has been having a bit of a problem, in the form of someone else’s ass being in your face.


There is a bar that separates the seat from the door area. It’s meant for safety, not someone’s ass. Not only is it gross just to have some strangers bum in your general face area, it messes up the seating arrangements of the passengers sitting near you. No one wants random ass in their face, so they start to lean in the opposite direction, causing a domino effect on those who are seated in that one tiny row. How you sit is tantamount to how the rest of the row is situated.


The Seat Wedger: Within the last couple of years the MTA has been updating the actual trains used. While the new ones have fancy new computerized “the next stop map is . . .” signs, better AC, and a general better aesthetic, I would have to say the best upgrade are that the seats do not have the little ass placement buckets. The old concept was simple, there’s the ass bucket, put your ass in it. However, as the years went on, well let’s just say a lot of people needed two ass buckets to place their one ass in. Meaning, less people get to sit down, or, worse, are crushed by someone wedging their more-than-one-bucket ass into the seat. The size of the people do not change with the non ass bucket trains, it’s just that without them there isn’t a set place where you have to sit, no one likes sitting with a raised indent going up your bum crack. Although, a true seat wedger will seek out even the tiniest of open seat, even if it means they can’t sit back fully. If you can’t sit back fully, that means there is not enough room

(Old Ass Bucket Seats v. New Seats. Yes, those are the real colors)

The Douche Bagger: Probably one of my biggest gripes. I feel that an e-mail I sent to my roommate after one particular morning commute sums this up best, excuse the typos, I was obviously very frustrated :

“ I have decided that people on crowded trains/buses should have some sort of rule about the use of back packs. When the trains is crowded as it is during the morning and evening rush hours, it is an extreme nuisance when someone boards the train with their back packs lodged on their back. They get on, find a spot to stand, and then take everyone else out with their ginormous tumor, which might as well be and adage of their body because for some reason they cannot remove it. Everyone in the near vicinity consequentially suffers.

The person standing directly behind the back pack wearing douche suffers the most. The douche and his adage known as back pack do not even take into consideration that there are other people in their commute, and just stand there, their back pack lodging itself right into the back of fellow commuter. Forcing that fellow commuter to be hunched over forward in front of the ever so blessed persons sitting down. And, then sometimes, the douche finds it necessary to act as if they were a child experiencing the subway for the first time, and look around in amazement at the several advertisements that line the walls of the trains. Moving his giant adage back and forth, almost like a swaying movement. Not only knocking the person directly behind them in the back several times and causing them to be hunched even more over the blessed commuters, but bumping the other people next to them as well. All with out even noticing. Even if they had they probably would have been like "What? What's going on? What did I Do?", the normal response of a douche.

The solution is easy. Almost mind numbingly easy. Take the damn back pack off when boarding the train and place it in between your feel while standing. I have a right mind to start pick pocketing these jackasses when they keep their back packs on their backs bumping into me. The End.”

The “Blast”-ards: A good amount of people listen to their I-pods while on the train. A good amount of people would like to keep their hearing. There are some who do not. They blast their music at ungodly levels so that at least half of the train can hear them listening to Yung Joc (sp?) “It’s goin down” at 8:30 in the morning (btw I still want to know what exactly is going down at the mall?). This is actually pretty commonplace, I have actually had mental debates as to what I would rather hear, southern rap or Daddy Yankee.

The Door Idiots: As mentioned before, it is a delicate dance between commuters when getting on and off the train, if it is done incorrectly, well fuck, it’s just a god damn mess. It should be pretty simple, people both on and waiting to get on, should move to the side and let the people on the train get off first, then the people waiting may then board. Easy, right? Well, without fail someone will a) either stand right in the middle of the doorway and not move b) budge through the door onto the train while people are still getting off, as if they didn’t see the group of people patiently waiting to get on. Then the train announcer comes on and is all polite (and you know they don’t want to be) “Please step aside and let the passengers off first”. I feel that in instances like this the announcer should be able to say whatever they want, call people out, “Hey, dick, in the awkwardly tight emo pants, move the fuck out of the way.”

The Stinker: There is usually always someone on the trains, with the exception of late at night and some of the last stops on the lines, but no matter, please shower and please use deodorant. If you smell I can guarantee you that at least half of the people on the train are suffering in your stank. I really don’t care if you state that you like to be natural, that’s fine, then walk because that is more natural.

(FYI, this is "normal" crowded, I've seen way worse. I'd rather not discuss it)




The Wanker: Oh , where do I even begin? The name is pretty self-explanatory. If you’ve lived in New York for an extended period of time, I would say chances are you have probably seen some dude beating it while on the train. This normally doesn’t happen on very crowded trains, so there are the unfortunate few who have to witness this normally very private act on a public train. Even worse, is when the dude jacking off is looking at you.

I Have the Olympic Fever and the Only Cure is More Speed Walking

by Lucy Parker

Every two years the people of the various countries of the world gather in random cities to express their feelings of nationalism under the cover of official Olympic sporting events. This year’s Olympic opening ceremony lasted nearly 4 hours, cost approximately $100 million (although I have heard as high as $300 million), and was viewed by 1 billion people (that is approx. 15 % of the world’s population!). I didn’t watch the whole thing, I just caught the never-ending replay of the highlights, my favorite part was when the Chinese athlete selected to light the Olympic flame was hoisted into the air by wires and appeared to be running on air in his ascent to light the torch. All of this seems a bit over the top, don’t you think?

Call me Debbie Downer, but I personally think that all this man power, invested time, and ridiculous amount of money could have been put to better use. But hey, I’m not going to lie, I am a huge sports fan and enjoy the Olympics, they could just do without all the ceremonial bull. No, I do not want to watch acrobats create some work of art on a state of the art LCD screen, I want to watch the world’s top athletes duke it out, maybe chant a little “USA!”.

With that being said, there was a poll conducted asking people which Olympic sporting event they were looking forward to the most, 45% responded gymnastics, followed by swimming, etc. (actual numbers not really known, I made that up). WRONG! Yeah, yeah, yeah it’s nice to see Michael Phelps get his 27th gold medal and all but what I really want to see is Race Walking. That is correct, Race Walking is actually an event which holds world-wide standings and can earn an Olympic medal.

Race Walking is listed under the athletics category along with all that other less entertaining track and field crap. It is a long distance event where the competitor must have one foot on the ground at all times, the back toe cannot leave the ground until the front heel has made contact with the ground. On top of that, the leg that is in contact with the ground must remain straight until the body passes over it (thank you Wikipedia). There are judges present to make certain these rules are followed. It is quite the sight to see.






This is nothing to knock though. The top race walkers can cover a mile in less than 7 minutes. I consider it outstanding when people can run a mile in 7 minutes. And to top that, the events raced are no short distance, 12.4 miles being the shortest Olympic event. Men’s race walking became an Olympic event in 1904, and after several years of petitioning women’s race walking became an event in 1992. People actually actively sought to make this a women’s event! Imagine the plight of these women race walkers, standing in front of the IOC pleading their case. They should make a movie out of it. It’s not like they haven’t made movies about this sport before.


1966’s “Walk Don’t Run” starred Cary mother effin Grant in his last feature film ever. Okay, so the movie isn’t entirely about the sport, but one of the main characters plays a race walker too embarrassed to state which Olympic event he is in. Don’t be embarrassed, shout that shit from the roof tops. You are a top athlete in possibly the most entertaining Olympic event. Why is this not advertised more? Sure the Olympic Basketball team gets a commercial of them playing while Marvin Gaye sings the American national anthem, but what do Race Walkers get? They get mocked by Mr. T himself.

http://www.heavy.com/video/54047 Click for your viewing pleasure

Fortunately, there is a website dedicated entirely to the sport. http://www.racewalk.com/. They actually have books, DVDs, t-shirts, etc. Even better the DVD is actually a collection of videos intended to be used as a training tool. You too can “Race Walk Like a Champion”!

Olympic Promo

By Lucy Parker




At this year’s Summer Olympics it’s not so much as to what happens on the field of play, but what happens off. While doing my daily scanning of celebrity gossip websites I came upon this photo shown below.


The picture of the Spanish National Basketball team in a promo shot for the 2008 Olympics. The members of the Spanish National team are indeed using a racially derogative gesture by using their forefingers to “squint” their eyes. Oh, and did I mention that this year’s Olympics are being held in Beijing, China?

Interestingly, no one in Spain initiated the deserved criticism of the nationally run ad. Spanish sports history has had its fair share of racism. With the most recent and noted occurrence happening when the Spanish national soccer team coach referred to soccer great and FC Barcelona player, Thierry Henry, as a “black shit”. However, the majority of these instances go unnoticed to those living outside the sphere European sport world. I don't know what marketing genius was behind this ad, but it won't go unnoticed for long in the sphere of Olympic sports.

The Spaniards are set to play China tomorrow, August 12th. I would like to see a Chinese rebuttal promo. I imagine it having something to do with the Euro-mullet and those damn Alladin pants.

In England Verbal Assault is Considered a Crime . . . . Wait, what?

By: Lucy Parker

Verbal assault is considered a crime in England. This fact interests me in four ways, 1) Christian Bale of “Batman” was arrested this past week for allegedly committing this “crime”, 2) I extremely enjoyed that film, 3) I obsessively read celebrity gossip sites, 4) and most important, you can actually get arrested for verbal assault somewhere?

Now maybe I find this so diametrically opposed to what I think fits into the array of arrest able offenses because I am an American. I mean where would America be without verbal assault? How about the Declaration of Independence? That’s a fine piece of American verbal assault. Take that King George. I won’t even begin to list other examples, not only because there are far too many, but because I think I find this arrest even more so diametrically opposed to my American beliefs because the “assault” took place within the confines of a family fight.

While I am not certain of what level of importance other countries place on the family unit and what is normal for their daily family life; I am pretty certain, what one could be arrested for in England, labeled as verbal assault, is called Sunday morning in America. I mean I got into an actual physical altercation with my sister the day after Thanksgiving as our mother put up the family Christmas tree. We literally had to be pulled apart. It was a heartwarming typical American scene; I think Norman Rockwell actually depicted something similar.

(Come to think of it, that actually could have been an arrest able offense.)

There are a few basic characteristics that are attributed to the American Family: the husband, the wife, 2.5 kids, a house with a white picket fence, and an abundance of verbal battery. I literally do not know one person who has not had an all out explicative ridden shouting battle with another family member. This is normally not a highly discussed or advertised aspect of American family life, but it is definitely the most common.

Could you imagine if people actually could get arrested for verbal assault in America? I don’t know the arrest rates for this offense in England or to what extent they even enforce it, or what is even technically considered verbal assault. Would the normal run of the mill mid-fight phrase “I’m going to bitch slap you” get you arrested? Or does it take more, what does it actually take to get arrested for this? One time my own mother said she was going to stuff my father’s head into an apple sauce jar. Does that count?

Could you imagine sitting down to watch an episode of “Cops” and the local police department responds to a verbal assault call? I don’t know about you, but I would be pissed. When I watch a show displaying crimes I want it to be good. When the cops respond to a call it better be because some shirtless dude found out his hooker was actually a tranny while they were doing lines of blow on an illegal immigrant in the back parking lot of a 7/11. Anything else is crap.

What is the worst Christian Bale could have actually said to get him arrested for verbal assault? It has been reported that before the argument occurred Bale’s sister was asking him for money. It has also been reported that Bale’s mom works as a part-time clown. A clown you say? Now, I’m no comic book expert but wouldn’t the Joker be considered some sort of clown? And, Christian Bale is the man who plays Batman? I really want to see the police report on this one.