Random Thoughts with Reno Gruber

"In this economy, the smart prostitute lets you pay them in unwanted gold. That $35 dollar blow-job just turned into a $38.56 blow job, you industrious whore."

This Day In Internet Awesomeness : Rap against Rape

What happens when you combine Early 90's Rap, Rape Awareness, Outstanding levels of self-obliviousness, and the Irish?

This, of course.



Thanks to The Rev. for another great link.

Dof Shirt of the Week: Mental Images

Every time a woman eats a banana, she is thinking about someone's penis. Its true, ask a doctor if you don't believe me, jerk.

Use the power of mental suggestion at the bars this weekend with this snazzy shirt.

Per usual, if you're one of the growing many who find these shirts so fucking irresistible that you must have it, then this is where you click you sexy beast.

DoF Friday Funk: Marvin Gaye- Heavy Love Affair

Reno's personal favorite Marvin song ever. Enjoy!

DoF Shirt of the Week: Sam Elliott Community College Stormin Snails!

Here at the Diary, we try to wear a few different hats. Sometimes we get topical. Sometimes we try our hand at some political humor. But most of the time it's pretty much current events and whatever broad social trends embarrass us to the point of anger.

However, sometimes...we just get random as fuck.

Ladies and Gentlemen....Your Sam Elliot Community College Stormin' Snails!

See it on a shirt here, babies!


Next Week- HE MAIL!!!

DoF Shirt of the Week: Glee Made Me Gay.

Admit it. After enjoying a long episode of Glee, you kind of get the urge to go have a girl's day and spend your entire paycheck on some Manolo's don't you, Chuck P. Everyman?

Well embrace it fucker, its 2010. There is nothing "gay" about being Gay these days. So order a choco-tini, kick up your new pumps and celebrate your metrosexuality by wearing this beautiful shirt.

And again, want a cheaper shirt? Be sure to play around with the shirt options. But you know it looks hella cute like this, Champ.

To Buy, As always, click this moderately long hyperlink.

DoF Shirt of the Week: The Wonderful World of Mustaches!

We're back after another week-long hiatus folks. This time we have a special treat from Reno's brother and maybe-someday contributor Dan, who runs the very cool Officegangsta.com

This lovely tee celebrates the Tom Selleck in all of us. Personally, i'm a fan of "the provider"

Tell us whats your favorite, and hell, if you like buy the tee at their shop buy clicking on this super-long hyperlink right...now.



Coming next week: "Glee made me Gay"

Hot Sh!t: MosDub

The interweb is very kind. It gives us news, varying opinions not owned by major corporations, amateur porn, amateur celebrity-porn, regular porn, porn-kabobs, and some pulled porn-sandwiches. But it also gives us terabyte upon terabyte of free music.

One of Reno's favorite examples of this is the famed mash-up. Generally a mix of two relatively mainstream artists, collaborated only in the mind of an aspiring DJ.

Of course, since it is the internet, you must drudge through piles of garbage to find gold, but that's what the fucks down at your local DiaryofFools office are here for.

DJ Max Tannone has certainly provided something just short of summertime brilliance when he created his latest mashup, MOSDUB (www.mosdub.com) Tannone takes some of the best Mos Def rhymes ever assembled, and effortlessly (read:sexually) melds them with some HOT Reggae/Dub beats. The result...well, just listen for yourself.

The download is free, and so are the ear-boners you will have to hide from your boss when you are blasting this baby on your cubicle headphones.

Enjoy!
DOWNLOAD HERE

Your Monday Morning Salvation for April 5th

So the Funk usually comes Friday. But what if a jam was so long and so strong, that god damnit...we had to get that friction on. On right now, that is. So if you're sitting in your cube, or just hammering away those mid-day blues where ever you are...let the eargasmic tones of Idris Muhammad get all up in ya. Because Friday ain't that far away, babies.

Go. You.

In Loving embrace, 'Cause I Love Your Face,
Reno Gruber

Your Headlines for March 24th

Sports-
Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger meets with police in Georgia to discuss proper Southern Gentleman ways to molest women forcefully.












Politics-
Nation remains split on health care. 50% of the nation doesn't care while 49% of the nation strongly opposes. 1% thinks that the new Diet Sierra Mist cans are a vast improvement.












Fashion-
Skinny Jeans related accidents up 500% in 2010. Experts (me) say the real tragedy is that some survive them.















Television-
Rosie O'Donnell to return to television, proving once and for all you can never have enough lesbians doing daytime talk shows.

Hot Sh!t: Dante Lewis

"Pale Aqua" by Dante Lewis from Dante Lewis on Vimeo.

More of Dante Lewis here.

One of Life's largest questions answered.

..If a website's code had a theme song, what would it be?

A question so magnamanous, to know the true treasure would be too jarring and tingling to the experience. However the brave souls at www.codeorgan.com have created an algorithm to answer this exact query.

If you're ready, listen to what the future sounds like.

Some other highlights include:

Foxnews.com- Not surprisingly sounding like christian rock music mixed with repressed sexuality and terrible breath.

Perezhilton.com- Tropical Island Gay Wedding Reception music?

Facebook.com- Overly dramatic and takes itself far too seriously. Yeah...that's about right.

Myspace.com- Dated and terribly unorganized.

Cracked.com- Just kidding fellas. We're all pals here.

Hot Sh!t: Aloe Blacc's "I Need a Dollar"

Very rarely does Reno hear a song and immediately run to the computer to find it. As he was sitting on his gloriously shaped ass, fitting nicely into his well executed ass grooves, Aloe Blacc's "I Need a Dollar" came on during the opening credits to the new HBO comedy "How to Make it in America." The show...basically a reverse Entourage exchanging LA for NY and Show Business for Fashion Business...but thats not what i'm here to share with you dickjerks. No.

Its this piece of musical brilliance, bestowed to us by none other than Reno's favorite record label, Stones Throw. Bravo fellas. Bravo.

Your headlines for Wednesday, January 27th

Gaming-

Mass Effect 2 Released, meaning dudes you never saw out of the house will somehow leave the house even less. Mountain Dew: Code Red preparing for shortages.

Television-

Katy Perry's boobs replace Paula Abdul and new-chick-that-looks-and-sounds-suspiciously-like-Paula Abdul on American Idol. Katy Perry to appear occasionally.

National-

State of the Union address tonight. So be sure to act like you watch it while you're rightfully angry that it interrupts Modern Family...while you're watching last week's episode of the Real World DC.

MySpace still has it!

I am one of the many millions of people around the world that still has their e-vestigial tail, aka a Myspace account. I pay my ridiculous fucking phone bill more often and cheerfully then I check that old web-buick.

If Firewalls could talk...

However the great thing about abandoned fads is being able to observe those who stubbornly hold onto that glory, becoming illogically standoffish for whatever came in its wake.

(Granted this can go the other way. After disco came and fell, the backlash was violent. Too bad too, Disco fucking rules. But basically the bridge and tunnel riff-raff got Springsteen so really it was just god's way of letting the beautiful people do coke off each other's penises in their own company if you want to split hairs. But again, I bet Discotheques were basically the Garden of People Watching Eden in the 80's.)

I'm not here to ''dutch rudder' both social networking giants, or really even to disparage one or the other (seriously!)

No, I am here to celebrate whats left of Myspace.

Left in the wake of the under dressed tweens and mirror shots; something much more beautiful arose. Have you ever gone to Walmart after midnight? These are your people. The salt of the earth. Not bad people. Somewhat honest people. They don't get into the 'fads' us go-go hipster douche bags get into. Not in time for the fad anyhow.

No. They talk straight, they mean what they say (kinda,) and they hold nothing back.

Like our friend, A.J.



Wait...what? NOTHING in your brain puts up a stop sign and says "private message"?

Thanks again, Myspace.

Yours in honor,
Reno

DoF Shirt of the Week

The thing about polo shirts we like: Comfortable, easy, don't have to be ironed often, soaks up spilled beer nicely, considered 'dressing up' to most women.

The things we hate about polo shirts: We don't fucking play polo. Sure the Le Tigre is cute, but we're not Bjorn fucking Borg.

We at the Diary of Fools know this pain well, and we aim to fix it.

We present the NES controller shirt. Yeah, that bitch is embroidered.

So next time you feel like 'dressing up' we got you covered.

CLICK HERE TO SEE MORE

It's that day again.

So as we all know, about 8 years ago some pricks that were pissed at the ol' U.S. took a couple of our planes and rammed them into a few buildings. We at the DoF give a heartfelt "sucks, man" to anyone who lost anyone in that terrible Television event.

But steering away from the DoF and speaking only in my Reno pants; (which are generously let out in the crotch) let's tune down the Lee Greenwood for a second and use this day to also educate ourselves on why people hate us the way they do.

Is it because of our "freeedum" like ol' W. would preach? No. The particular brand of freedom he speaks of only really applies to old money white folk anyhow. While Muslim fundamentalists are generally crazy fucking nut bags (Seriously dude? Kill all that don't agree with you. The world may take issue with you), we need to stop playing the victim role on this one. Well, besides the actual victims. You go ahead.

But to those who merely watched it on TV, and use it as some aggressive battle cry for America; I have two suggestions:

1.) Read some history. Get a scope of how things actually work. Maybe check out "The Way Things Work" By David Macaulay. You need a crash course. In everything.

2.) This. You poor, poor man.

Granted, we've done some lovely things that the world powers in history's past wouldn't have done. I mean we let Canada hang around when our friends are over, even kind of treat them like part of the crew. We're pretty cool.

But we have wronged many-a-rebuilding nation.

and I'd like to disclaim "IN NO WAY DO WE CONDONE WHAT HAPPENED 9/11/2001, NOR DO WE SUPPORT IT OR BELIEVE WE 'DESERVED' IT." However, taking into effect all we have done to others, a logical man cannot be surprised of an attack.

I can comfortably say that whatever our government did was probably in the best interest for us, while destroying others. I understand this. However, there will be a reaction for every action.

I was going to do a buttload of research to kinda thumb through all what we've done, then I got lazy and just pulled up Michael Moore, which I hate doing since he totally makes this look like some commie-lefty statement when all I'm trying to say is that we're no angels.



My point is this. To have a day of remembrance is dope. My point is NOT to shit all over that. Those people didn't deserve to die. Nobody deserves to die like that, and worse, to have whorish media companies have their biggest profit day ever, continuously showing 3,000 people murdered in slow-mo from 100 different angles.

But we must also understand this has a chance of happening if we keep pissing on bee hives.

Maybe instead we pull all of our military bases and the trillions of dollars we spend on overseas military bases, stop being the world's police, and start getting our country back on its feet.

Or, ya know, spend all the money we don't have on a war we can't win. Ya know, whatever.

Another Youtube moment, with Reno Gruber

Strolling around on Youtube can be an exciting and dangerous game.

Sometimes you come across asses that wink, sometimes you come across ICP fans looking their Sunday best while drinking Faygo (hahaha it sounds like fag, man!).

Other times, you get this.



Moral to the story, we all have way too much time on our fucking hands.

A You tube Moment, with Reno Gruber

Hola, Bopppers.

Youtube is a wonderful vacuum of every piece of pop/pulp culture. I'd like to call attention to these two things in particular.

Thanks to "Black" Kyle Anderson for passing on this beauty.



Lets get this right.

A mainstage including:
Everyone on ICP's Psychopathic Records
Ice Cube
Kotton Mouth Kings
Tech N9ne
Gwar
Vanilla Ice
Haystak(?)
Coolio
Scarface
Big B

A Wrestling ring (enough said)

A "Fresh Ass Comedy Tent"
Featuring:
Jimmy "JJ" Walker
Pauly Shore
and...
Rowdy Roddy Piper. (not a misprint.)

Also HELICOPTER RIDES. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

If there was a greater collection of douchebags ever assembled outside of Nazi Germany, I'd love to know.

This actually happened. It really did.

I'm not sure that can actually be topped. But there is also this, thanks to awesome poster artist Tyler Stout (check out his amazing prints, especially his movie posters he does for the Alamo Drafthouse.)

This is close.



Not sure how to really explain that. Just going to leave you with that.

Enjoy your weekend, kids.

The Consumer Advocate with Merton and Barry

Stinky balls got you down?

Then check out this gem.

Yeah, we at the DoF were all pretty excited by this major development in the stinky ass/ball sack/ABC field. Just kidding. We were in a state of catatonic disbelief for...about five seconds. Then, after a quick hand-to-balls-to-nose sniff test, we regained our composure and began an (admittedly short) email thread in much the same way that any of our ideas start out. Take it away, Reno:

Reno:
http://www.nodoro.com/

HUzzah

Merton:
Hooray. FDS for dudes.

Maybe it's just me, but has the "shower regularly/slap on a little cornstarch" method been THAT thoroughly discredited? I mean, yeah...By the time I go to bed, maybe the boys are a little pungent, but I can't recall the last time someone had to pull me aside to gingerly inform me that I was rocking some overpowering fruit-basket rot. And besides...I've plunged head-first into the promised land of dozens and dozens of ladies who have been goodly enough to lift the velvet rope on the mid-town tunnel. And their own personal bouquets have ranged from "eerily nonexistent" all the way to "weapons-grade musk," but it's not like once the green light is burning, even VISIBLE aroma is a deal-killer. At that point, I have an important job I've been entrusted with, and it's in my best interest to see it through regardless of whether the working conditions are OSHA-approved or not. Especially if it's a worksite I'd like to be invited back into in the future. So, on the flippy, I can't necessarily see the jig being up if there happens to be a wee bit of an edge to the olfactory side of the experience when it's your turn. By the time she notices any sort of atmospheric shift, I'd hope that she's already pretty much decided she likes you.

That said, I don't take any chances personally. Especially on the occasion of my heading out to plant my flag on a hitherto-unfamiliar summit. I make sure Ground Zero is buffed, polished, and sportin' a definite showroom shine, and take steps to ensure that the window between peak hygiene and The Reveal is as compact as possible. That's just common courtesy.

Barry:
Personally, I like to knock out at least three of her five senses with a little vodka before we get betwixt the sheets, preferably vision, smell, and feeling...but really, any three will work.

"I can't feel anything."
"That's because you're drunk, you dirty, dirty whore."

~fin~