I Love You New York Newspapers

Local New York newspapers tend to be hysterical. They have ridiculous headlines and attention grabbing full page photos of something usually shameful. I don't buy any of them, I look at them on their stands from afar. I prefer to read one of the free papers they hand out at all subway entrances, exits, platforms, etc.

This morning I grabbed an "AM New York" and read through the little snippets as usual until I came upon this article and proceeded to choke on my laughter while on the train to work. (At least we have a lot of insane people in NYC, so no one payed me any mind.)

"Suspect nabbed in B'klyn butt slapping

Police may have caught the serial "butt slapper" of Crown Heights.

Cops were questioning a man last night suspected of slapping and groping at least a few dozen women in the past few weeks.

"These assaults are degrading, insulting and frightening for the women and families of Crown Heights" said City Councilwoman Letitia James (D-Brooklyn.)

The most recent incident, according to the NYPD, was on Sunday, at Crown Street and Troy Avenue. James said the man, described as tall and skinny, sometimes does his slapping while riding a bicycle.

Several of the victims were Hasidic Jewish women, James said. (Jason Fink)

20% of Americans apparently assume Al Qaeda won the Internet

Source


So apparently 1/5 of America won't be here to see me tell them that they are really fucking old. Actually i'm kind of holding out to see if this whole "world wide web" thing actually pans out, or if it's just the next Betamax.

Skeeball: Artform of carnival folk or crime against humanity?

South Carolina has bill to enforce games of chance on children's establishments like Chuck E. Cheese

Lord knows that a childhood full of targeting wood balls through elevated holes leads to a high murder rate and meth use. Look at the high number of ski-ball users in the Gary, IN area.

Its about time someone stepped up, and again the south have proven once again how they are at the cutting edge of safety in the scary post 9/11 world, where we all fear for our lives daily from random attacks from suicide bombers.

Say, just yesterday i got in a cab driven by a guy from Somalia. Do you know what they did to those pilots in Black Hawk Down? I was so scared I didn't even tip him.

Its about time we dealt with the real issues in this country, children starting gambling problems by spending hard earned quarters for so called "tickets" to buy plastic army men with those cool little parachutes. Where does it end America?

Thats right, with your baby dying from a suicide bomber because Johnny Bluestate voted for Obama.

God Bless the USA.

Your Morning Headlines for April 24, 2008

From the DOF Newswire:

'Dear Abby' editorial mishap leads loyal reader to 7-day coke binge, murderous workplace rampage

Controversial new transgender Transformer is "more than meets the eye"

25 years after his only hit single, Rockwell always feels like "nobody's watching me"

Your Morning Headlines for April 23rd, 2008

From the Diary of Fools Newswire:

Hipster turns out to be just some guy with genuinely bad taste

Wears Styx t-shirt with no irony, earnestly enjoys taste of PBR

Gang violence task force reports "good news, bad news"
Bad news: Deaths from automatic assault weapons continue to rise
Good news: Choreographed dance fighting at an all-time low

Leonardo DiCaprio signs on to reprise role as "Luke" in Growing Pains: The Movie