Diary of Fools.

The Intricacies of Public Transportation:
Commonsense , Common Courtesy & Common Douchebagary

By: Lucy Parker

I do not own a car, nor do I have need for one. I live in New York City and it is not only completely unnecessary to own a car, it is just flat out smarter to not own one (unless you have loads of money). I commute daily, along with millions of other people, on the New York subway system. The New York subway system is great, for $81 a month I can go anywhere in the 5 boroughs of New York as much as I want, not to mention my daily work commute.

Like anything else, the subway does have its down sides: it can be dirty, it can be very crowded, there is such a thing as “train traffic” that can hold you underground for what seems an eternity, construction on the system (which can also hold you underground), it’s about as hot as the first rung of hell on the platform during the summer (I suggest you never wear jeans , or any sort of long pants during the summer if you know you are going to go underground at any point to ride the subway. Seriously, I haven’t worn pants since early June.), etc. While these are indeed annoying problems, I would gladly deal with any or all of them if I did not have to deal with the extreme nuisance that is a douchebag commuter. It is my opinion that the most annoying problems, are the people who ride the trains.

This may seem overkill to those who do not live in NYC or have never used its mass transit. But, this is a hot topic of conversation amongst NY public transportation commuters. Not only is it a hot topic but the discussions are often very passionate. The list of grievances against the douchebag commuter can be long or short, depending on who you talk to. Although, I must say that when asking some of my friends about what annoyed them the most about the subway, the conversations were very comical and explicative ridden. The following is diagnosis of only a few of the douchebag symptoms seen on the subway:

Last Seat Syndrome: By far the most coveted spot on the train is the last seat on the end near the door. Not only are you one of the few lucky ones to actually get a seat, it is easy to exit the train when you get to your stop, unlike those pesky seats in the middle where you have to barrel through middle of the train like a running back to exit (I sometimes question if I should even sit in those seats during rush hour). Entering and exiting the train is a delicate dance between commuters that is often fucked up by douchebags, but I’ll get to that later. Recently, however, the coveted last seat has been having a bit of a problem, in the form of someone else’s ass being in your face.


There is a bar that separates the seat from the door area. It’s meant for safety, not someone’s ass. Not only is it gross just to have some strangers bum in your general face area, it messes up the seating arrangements of the passengers sitting near you. No one wants random ass in their face, so they start to lean in the opposite direction, causing a domino effect on those who are seated in that one tiny row. How you sit is tantamount to how the rest of the row is situated.


The Seat Wedger: Within the last couple of years the MTA has been updating the actual trains used. While the new ones have fancy new computerized “the next stop map is . . .” signs, better AC, and a general better aesthetic, I would have to say the best upgrade are that the seats do not have the little ass placement buckets. The old concept was simple, there’s the ass bucket, put your ass in it. However, as the years went on, well let’s just say a lot of people needed two ass buckets to place their one ass in. Meaning, less people get to sit down, or, worse, are crushed by someone wedging their more-than-one-bucket ass into the seat. The size of the people do not change with the non ass bucket trains, it’s just that without them there isn’t a set place where you have to sit, no one likes sitting with a raised indent going up your bum crack. Although, a true seat wedger will seek out even the tiniest of open seat, even if it means they can’t sit back fully. If you can’t sit back fully, that means there is not enough room

(Old Ass Bucket Seats v. New Seats. Yes, those are the real colors)

The Douche Bagger: Probably one of my biggest gripes. I feel that an e-mail I sent to my roommate after one particular morning commute sums this up best, excuse the typos, I was obviously very frustrated :

“ I have decided that people on crowded trains/buses should have some sort of rule about the use of back packs. When the trains is crowded as it is during the morning and evening rush hours, it is an extreme nuisance when someone boards the train with their back packs lodged on their back. They get on, find a spot to stand, and then take everyone else out with their ginormous tumor, which might as well be and adage of their body because for some reason they cannot remove it. Everyone in the near vicinity consequentially suffers.

The person standing directly behind the back pack wearing douche suffers the most. The douche and his adage known as back pack do not even take into consideration that there are other people in their commute, and just stand there, their back pack lodging itself right into the back of fellow commuter. Forcing that fellow commuter to be hunched over forward in front of the ever so blessed persons sitting down. And, then sometimes, the douche finds it necessary to act as if they were a child experiencing the subway for the first time, and look around in amazement at the several advertisements that line the walls of the trains. Moving his giant adage back and forth, almost like a swaying movement. Not only knocking the person directly behind them in the back several times and causing them to be hunched even more over the blessed commuters, but bumping the other people next to them as well. All with out even noticing. Even if they had they probably would have been like "What? What's going on? What did I Do?", the normal response of a douche.

The solution is easy. Almost mind numbingly easy. Take the damn back pack off when boarding the train and place it in between your feel while standing. I have a right mind to start pick pocketing these jackasses when they keep their back packs on their backs bumping into me. The End.”

The “Blast”-ards: A good amount of people listen to their I-pods while on the train. A good amount of people would like to keep their hearing. There are some who do not. They blast their music at ungodly levels so that at least half of the train can hear them listening to Yung Joc (sp?) “It’s goin down” at 8:30 in the morning (btw I still want to know what exactly is going down at the mall?). This is actually pretty commonplace, I have actually had mental debates as to what I would rather hear, southern rap or Daddy Yankee.

The Door Idiots: As mentioned before, it is a delicate dance between commuters when getting on and off the train, if it is done incorrectly, well fuck, it’s just a god damn mess. It should be pretty simple, people both on and waiting to get on, should move to the side and let the people on the train get off first, then the people waiting may then board. Easy, right? Well, without fail someone will a) either stand right in the middle of the doorway and not move b) budge through the door onto the train while people are still getting off, as if they didn’t see the group of people patiently waiting to get on. Then the train announcer comes on and is all polite (and you know they don’t want to be) “Please step aside and let the passengers off first”. I feel that in instances like this the announcer should be able to say whatever they want, call people out, “Hey, dick, in the awkwardly tight emo pants, move the fuck out of the way.”

The Stinker: There is usually always someone on the trains, with the exception of late at night and some of the last stops on the lines, but no matter, please shower and please use deodorant. If you smell I can guarantee you that at least half of the people on the train are suffering in your stank. I really don’t care if you state that you like to be natural, that’s fine, then walk because that is more natural.

(FYI, this is "normal" crowded, I've seen way worse. I'd rather not discuss it)




The Wanker: Oh , where do I even begin? The name is pretty self-explanatory. If you’ve lived in New York for an extended period of time, I would say chances are you have probably seen some dude beating it while on the train. This normally doesn’t happen on very crowded trains, so there are the unfortunate few who have to witness this normally very private act on a public train. Even worse, is when the dude jacking off is looking at you.