The Minnesota State Fair: A carnival of sights, sounds, smells and unfortunate wardrobe decisions.

by Blaine Fridley

Every year, for 2 weeks in the waning months of summer, Minnesotans of every age, gender and shade of pasty converge at the corner of Snelling and Dan Patch Ave. in St. Paul to wedge their collective copious corn-fed ass through the gates of the Minnesota State Fairgrounds.

Dressed in the traditional Midwestern fair-going costume of pleated jean shorts, fanny pack and 1991 World Series t-shirt (with its once-robust cotton fibers now faded and worn into a sheer, rice paper-thin material that quite frankly, borders on lewd. Damn, the Twins really need to win another World Series, if only so I don't need to see the man-tatties of a Stearns County farmer ever again), these pilgrims trek to the fairgrounds for one reason: To consume foods which, outside of the fairground perimeter, would not be socially acceptable. Though there are examples a-plenty (i.e. just about anything you can find to drop in the deep frier) here I'm specifically talking about one thing - Chocolate. Covered. Bacon. Yes. I just put those 3 words together (interrupted by periods for dramatic emphasis) to describe an item that people are proudly eating. In public. On purpose. Seriously. Chocolate covered bacon (not to be confused with Big Fat Bacon, which is 1/3-lb. of fried bacon covered in caramelized maple syrup).

Pretty much anything you order at the State Fair is going to end up looking like this.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Man…chocolate covered bacon actually sounds dee-FUCKING-licious, Blaine. Don't you like anything? I bet you're a real blast at parties. What part of the equation makes chocolate covered pork unappetizing to you? You must hate America, you goddamn terrorist."

Well, no. I'm don't hate America (just our politicians). And I'm not a terrorist (I'm afraid of guns, bombs and…well…just about anything that makes a loud noise. Plus, I fear being part of the foundation layer in a naked Abu Ghraib-style pyramid, so that career path is completely out for me I think).

The number 1 reason why I'd never be a terrorist no matter how many virgins were promised to me.

It's just that, well, at some point dignity HAS to come into play, no matter how much pleasure it brings you, you know? Por ejemplo, it would probably bring me pleasure to get some quality time with my Hillary Duff screen saver and rub one out in my cube every once in awhile, but I don't. Why? Because it's just wrong. And some things you just don't do because they're just wrong. Like eating chocolate covered bacon. Just because it CAN be consumed and it'd probably be awesome if you did, doesn't mean you necessarily SHOULD. Take heroin, for instance. Or an I Love New York marathon.

But, alas, State Fair peer pressure is a bitch. It's worse than middle school. Believe me. I understand. I once ate a deep-fried Twinkie. I knew it was wrong, but, like, you know, everyone else was doing it.

So for anyone who has or is planning on consuming chocolate covered bacon, I will not judge you. I will not condone your decision. But I will not judge, either.

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Related State Fair note: Where have all the carnies gone?? Walking through the Midway (the place with all the rides for readers outside of Minnesota) I noticed something very disconcerting: the ride operators were all wearing shirts. Matching red polo tops, to be exact. With khakis. It seems in an effort to give the Midway a more appealing, professional and family-friendly look, State Fair organizers are dressing the carnies like Bill from the IT dept. For shame. Personally, I'd prefer it if they focused on their on-the-job meth use instead.

I need a Tilt-A-Whirl operator…

… not help with Windows XP->>