The Coming of the NILF

A Brief Analysis of the World's Hottest Newswomen
by barry metropolis

After a long day at the office, there's nothing more refreshing than crackin' open an ice-cold cup of tap water and turning on the news to see the latest in the impending end of civilization, our planet's demise, and Britney's cooter cleavage. The advent of 24-hour news networks brought with it hoards of additional news anchors, reporters, correspondents, pundits, and analysts--some of which, thankfully, are women. And these aren't your run-of-the-mill butter faces, either. We're talking deliciously smokin'-hot babes. Yes, this 21st century gave birth to the ravishing reporter, the electrifying anchor, the consummate correspondent, the NILF (newswoman I'd like to...well, you get the idea). In that light, I decided to share with my audience several personal favorites and illustrate how each has had a profound impact on my manhood.

After discussing the ins and outs of each NILF, an overall score will be given by means of the Boner Meter, which includes the following scores (from lowest to highest): "It Moved a Little," "Semi," "Noticeably Aroused," "It's Horizontal," and "Does Anyone Have an Old Sock?". I say "lowest to highest" but I should actually say "high to highest" because it takes a lot to get ol' Barry even slightly aroused. Just ask my past lovers. So congratulations and thank you to all of these women of the news for successfully starting a fire in my trousers or a regular basis.

I should let you know at the outset that I'm a self-proclaimed assman. A woman has much more control over the size and shape of her ass compared to, let's say, breast size or facial structure. Therefore, if woman has the motivation and stoicism to get her bountiful butt cheeks in bulbous form, she's all right in my book. But therein lies the problem: the news is a face-up industry (maybe chest, if you're lucky). If you're into news, you've got to have the goods in the upper 10%, or you're gonna be stuck either in a DJ booth jawin' about the latest celebrity lovechild or at a keyboard blogging about hot women.

Disclaimer: By the end of this post, someone will undoubtedly be thinking, "Oh, come on! You left out that stunner from KBTJ in Asheville, North Carolina!" And you know what? You're right. As a matter of fact, many hot newswomen will be left out of this not-very-extensive list. I'm simply calling attention to a few that I fantasize about regularly. So just put your dick back in your pants and chill out.

Rachel Maddow, host of The Rachel Maddow Show on Air America Radio and political analyst for MSNBC - Just kidding. Actually, she's the most insightful out of all of them, but she looks way too much like she's hiding a penis betwixt her thighs. And she prefers the vag. ***Boner Meter: Shrinkage


Heather Nauert, co-host of the weekday edition of FOX's The Big Story - You can't swing a dead cat inside FOX News Studios without hitting some drop-dead gorgeous newswoman. It's a shame they have to work for the saddest, most corrupt news network in the U.S. Regardless, Heather does a quality job reporting the quasi-news, and she does so with a surprising air of authority. Her speech is articulate, and her coverage is well-rounded--not unlike her supple bosom. Combine that with her sea-blue eyes, ivory-white smile, and chiseled jaw line, and you can instantly see how I'd like to bend her over a news desk. ***Boner Meter: It Moved a Little. Normally Heather would earn a higher score, but there is a mandatory deduction for anyone who got a professional start by giving hand-jobs to Rupert Murdoch.



Ann Curry, anchor for NBC's The Today Show - The undisputed winner of the M/NILF division. I'm not sure what makes her so appealing. Maybe it's my unresolved Oedipal complex, or maybe it's her interesting ethnic makeup (Scots-Irish, French, and Japanese, who wouldda thought?). In any case, Ann may be pushing 52, but she's as vivacious and sprightly as teeny-bopper at a Jonas Brothers concert. And those legs...mmmmmm...(easy, Barry). Thank you, Ann, for giving me hope that my future wife will still make my wiener do crazy things well into my golden years. Gross. ***Boner Meter: It Moved a Little. She's a little too perky in the morning. Perhaps if she spent a week on the rigorous Barry Metropolis BJ & Breakfast Program, she'd be "Semi" material.



Michelle Bernard, MSNBC political and legal analyst and president of the Independent Women's Forum - Any woman who takes the camera off Chris Matthews' comatose face during Hardball is damn fine to me (exception: Rachel Maddow, see above). It might be Chris's ass-white complexion juxtaposed with Michelle's milk-chocolatey face that makes me want to rip off, ahem... I mean, gently remove that pants suit and get down and dirty. In all honesty, though, her lips are mesmerizing. She almost always has that porn star lip gloss on, and I sometimes wonder if she's sporting 7-inch platforms under the news desk. One can only hope... ***Boner Meter: Semi.




















Lauren Sanchez, co-anchor for the My13 News (FOX) in Los Angeles - You know when you're in the middle of a great pornographic movie and your frat brother starts talking during the money shot? Pretty annoying, right? So I'll let the pictures speak for themselves. Wait, let's first cheers our PBRs. ***Boner Meter: Noticeably Aroused. It could have been higher, but she has a kid with Kansas City Chiefs tight end Tony Gonzalez. Talk about a tough act to follow.

Julie Banderas, host of the weekend edition of FOX's The Big Story - Chalk another one up for FOX. Damnit. Ah well...Best known for her cat-fight with crazy-person protester Shirley Phelps-Roper, Julie had her nationwide newscasting just over three years ago and has been making my dinghy tingle ever since. She also scratches that ethnic-woman itch I've had since that extended weekend in Cabo. (Not literally an itch from an ethnic woman. A metaphoric one.) In other news, her last name is actually Bidwell, not Banderas. Sounds like someone has an affinity for Mr. Antonio Banderas. Great, me too. Or she could be wanting to outwardly express she is of Latina descent. I like the former. ***Boner Meter: Noticeably Aroused. Her sass coupled with her beauty is crippling. She would have a perfect score, but the FOX rule is in effect (see: Nauert).

Olivia Zaleski, Huffington Post environmental columnist - I've got to hand it to a woman who makes her life's work in the "green" movement. This young buttercup is fresh out of college, and her innocence is reeks like a Victoria Secret perfume. Olivia is actually the inspiration behind this post. She is what I like to call good breeding stock--someone with whom you might not necessarily "get along" or "be compatible" but rather someone with whom you'd produce impeccable offspring (mostly thanks to her). You know, those blonde-haired, blue-eyed types the Nazis raved about. And judging by her apparent Polish ancestry, our kids would demand a diet filled with the finest beers and sausages in all the lands. Beautiful. ***Boner Meter: It's Horizontal. She does say "ummm" a tad too often. And that's, like, not cool.



Melissa Theuriau - Melissa and I got off to a great start, and then I found out she's French. There's only so much respect I can hold for a population who has an enormous phallus as their country's most recognizable landmark. But then, as if she were a siren of the Greek Isles, her newscast sucked me into this weird love trance. It's almost like flowers and sunshine flow from her mouth as she speaks. I mean, I was so transfixed the first time I saw her, I watched her deliver the news in French for four minutes without even noticing any time had gone by (give it a try; check out the video below). Language aside, she's got that perfect-ten natural beauty...just an all-encompassing, boner-riffic beauty. And for anyone that disagrees, I suggest you check to make sure your balls are still attached to your body. Plus, she's probably into the European-style hairy dudes, which is of particular interest to any of us who can braid our ass hair. ***Boner Meter: Does Anyone Have an Old Sock? Do a YouTube search of Melissa. Aaaaannnd, you're welcome.





Lara Logan, CBS's Chief Foreign Affairs Correspondent - I first fell in love with Lara when she dropped an f-bomb The Daily Show (June 17, 2008 episode). That was also the episode in which she stated she'd want to "blow her brains out" if she watched any news in the United States. Despite the comment's justification, she still, of course, caught heat from the general public and mass media. Don't worry, Lara honey. I'll never judge you with such superficiality. How could I? With her enticing South African accent, cougar-like quality (she's 37), stunning swimsuit-model body, and dirty sailor mouth, she's an embodiment of the perfect woman. (Except she got knocked up by some contractor while filing reports in Iraq, but those are mere footnotes.) ***Boner Meter: Does Anyone Have an Old Sock? Hey, she may be preggers, but that just means she has no reservations about pre-marital sex. A-O.K.

Well, that about wraps it up. Happy viewing, friends.