Forget Barack and Hilary, Take a Virtual Trip to Beverly Hills, California!

By Gloucester de la Vegas, Gifted and Talented Child, Political Correspondent

Hello, and glad to make your acquaintance here in my debut at “Diary of Fools”. You may have read some of my scholarly works in journals or through other Web links, but I doubt it. You just don’t have that kind of time, and, face it, you’re not that smart, or at least not that intellectual. No offense, and I want to be friends, but I’m just plain-spoken. Children are like that. Maybe I’ll grow out of it.

Somehow, that brings me around to the subject of the Democratic National Convention, now happening in Denver. I was in Denver a few years ago, but I was just a baby, so I didn’t get to go skiing even though we were in Beaver Creek, an upscale ski resort. It probably doesn’t surprise you that someone named Gloucester de la Vegas only goes to (or, more properly, is taken to) upscale, exotic or intellectually uplifting places. My Welsh-Spanish family is ancient, wealthy, renowned and moved to Saint Paul, Minnesota for religious and legal reasons you don’t need to know about.

But getting back to that Democratic convention…just two things to say. First, Hilary supporters, get over it, and immediately stop saying you’ll vote for McCain. You’re lying, you won’t. You’re just upset and craving attention and want to make a feminist point. God, I’m only 6 and I know that, why don’t professional journalists? Maybe you’re one of those morons who voted for Ralph Nader once, or twice, because you thought “it won’t really matter.” Well, it did, to the tune of thousands of American soldiers killed (some Iraqis, too), and a wrecked economy, and $4 a gallon gas (thank you, Dick Cheney…yes, you are evil and it is your fault even though it couldn’t be just one oil-devil’s fault). I could go on but I’ll just say it again: Ralph Nader, he’s now a “wack” jerk and so are you if you say that you’re “protesting” Obama’s selection over Hilary. She’s not the candidate for one reason. Because she’s more shrill, mannish and repellent than my mother after 7 martinis, and all America feels that way about her. And always will. The only Hilary that America and I want to see for the next 4 years is Hilary Duff, and the Hilary we particularly DON’T want to see or hear is Hilary Clinton. Of course, I’m much too young to vote, so what do I know? But go ahead, ask Bill Clinton, though. “Which Hilary would you most like to spend the evening with, and I don’t even mean kissing, just hanging out. Would it be Hilary Duff, Hilary Swank or your Hilary?” We all know the answer.

Oh, by the way, Ralph Nader is running again, with someone named Gonzalez. I guess the insane Indian (Native American?) woman who was his running mate in 2000 (remember, when “Dubya” kind of won the Presidency, the first time?) wasn’t available. That must be it. Because she definitely would get Nader elected in 2008…I mean, there are so many disaffected-feminist Hilary supporters out there dying to vote for someone else and REALLY destroy this nation. McCain-style, whatever that nightmare would be like. In fact, why isn’t Winona LaDuke (that’s the crazy Native American lady’s name) a candidate herself? All of Hilary’s offended supporters would love to vote for her. Oh, back to the topic of professional journalists and their insight…why aren’t they covering Ralph Nader like crazy this election? They did before, he was so important back then. And there weren’t even all these supposed disaffected feminist voters looking for an alternative vote. Nader is in it to win it, baby, not to spoil it. I for one want to know who Gonzalez is.

You may ask yourself, why am I, a 6 year old child, so negative, why do I have such strong opinions on politics, and how do I know all this stuff? Well, it’s because I’m precocious and I have the internet and can open my Dad’s laptop and type. Welcome to the future, old people.

Speaking of the Web, I just visited an “official” Beverly Hills website, and it sure made me forget about Denver, and even the upcoming Republican National Convention in my home town of Saint Paul. Maybe I’ll rap at you about that convention later, but right now, wow, Rodeo Drive. I was there as a baby (story of my life) but can’t wait to go back now that I’m cognizant.

I’m not going to say a lot about it now, you can check out the link. But somehow the smooth, beautiful, self-serving website kind or reminds me of Republicans, or at least people like Rush Limbaugh. Not that he’s beautiful, he isn’t. But the self-serving part, the sense of complete entitlement (which, ironically, is actually an obscenity in the Republican world-view) and disdain for anyone else’s situation. You know, those poor, dirty Democrat people who don’t want to work. And don't have the decency to listen to Rush Limbaugh’s half-baked, pompous ranting. Like I said, though, I’m not going to go on about it. I’m kind of thirsty for a juice box.

But the last thing I wanted to add about Beverly Hills is that there’s apparently a movie coming out October 3, really just a little before the election, called “Beverly Hills Chihuahua”. I am so all-over that idea because I saw a movie called “Beverly Hills Ninja” and it was hilarious. Really, no irony here. The part where Chris Farley accidentally hangs himself while doing kung fu literally made me wet my pants, and I don’t do that regularly any more. I’m just expecting “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” is going to be all kinds of fun, and with some telling insight concerning race and class and wealth and happiness (and not just as they apply to dogs).

So, again, nice to meet you, and do check back to this site. I think I’m going to have a lot to say about John McCain, Barack Obama, Piper Perabo, Drew Barrymore and chihuahuas in the coming weeks.