Things that make my brain hurt

Gather 'round, kiddies! It's time to play my favorite game: "Who's The Bigger Bag of Ass?"

In this corner, wearing the Red White and Blue trunks, and weighing in at 140 pounds soaking wet: Strident Fox "News" blowhard, loofah aficionado, and lying GOP pun'dick Bill O'Reilly, he of the mic-cutting, talking-over-of-guests, and "FUCK IT, WE'LL DO IT LIVE!"

"My face is pretty much permanently frozen this way."

In this corner, in the linen toga and sandals, weighing in at 125 pounds (75 of which is eternally impacted in his colon): Fred Phelps, self-described "Pastor" of Westboro Baptist Church, the Topeka, Kansas based hate group chiefly known for extrapolating their extreme loathing of gay people into the scapegoat for every ill currently suffered by Western Society.

"Behind my dead eyes and pedo-smile lurks a heart as small, hard and black as most of my turds."

Ooh, tough one. For the most part, I'd have to say that's pretty much a toss-up.

On the one hand, Bill-O is a flat-out, straight-up asshole. His domineering manner informs everything he does, from his sanctimonious sneer to his arrogantly derisive attitude toward anyone whose far-right political philosophy doesn't goose-step in precise synchronicity with his own. Not to mention that he constantly falls back on the infuriating "that's only your opinion" cop-out, even when he's empirically proven dead wrong beyond any shadow of a doubt. Which he frequently is, being as his positions are almost universally on the wrong side of history.

On the other, Phelch is a guy who positively orgasms over the prospect of leading dozens of followers in slogan-chanting, placard-waving marches around the gravesites of recently-deceased gays, spouting hateful epithets constructed of equal parts whole cloth and twisted scripture. All while the actual ceremony itself is going on. To wit: Phelps and his phucked-up phlock actively protested the funeral of Matthew Shepard (the 21-year-old Wyoming man who was abducted by two other men, then tortured, beaten to the point of severe brain damage, and lashed to a fence and left to die over the 18 hours it took anyone to find him...all for the "crime" of being gay). They did so by loudly and cheerfully informing the man's devastated family, as they were trying to bury him, of just how glad they were that he was rotting in hell.

You stay classy, Phreddie.

Unknown: whether the rainbow background of these signs is intentionally
ironic, or whether he's really just that much of a fucking idiot.

Yes, indeed. Pretty even match-up, there.

Or, it was until recently.

See, Phelps and his hatemongers also enjoy protesting the funerals of fallen servicemen. Why? Well, because they're fighting in a foreign war, of course. A war that Yahweh himself got America mixed up in as punishment for our tolerance of homosexuality. DUH. So, to him, every soldier, sailor, marine or guardsman who dies does so as a penance for Western culture's fag-loving ways.

Try not to think about it too hard. It's not like it ever really starts making sense.

Anyway, as was bound to happen, Phelps and his congre-tards finally picked on the wrong family.

Army Lance Cpl. Matthew Snyder was killed in Iraq in 2006. Phelps and a cluster of morons showed up at the funeral, waving signs saying "God hates the USA," and hollering anti-gay slurs. And as it turns out, the Lance Corporal's father Albert was mildly perturbed by this. Can't imagine why.

As a result, Albert Snyder sued the holy living shit out of the Westboro Baptist Church, and a federal jury in Baltimore awarded him $11 million in damages in 2007. Reason being, Westboro had been found to have "intentionally inflicted emotional distress on the family." No shit.

Naturally, Phelps paid up immediately. By which I mean he actually had the fucking stones to appeal the decision, and get it overturned by a higher court.

What a lovable li'l scamp.

But that's not all. In one of the clearest-ever cases of adding insult to injury, the 4th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals not only overturned the damage verdict, it actually ordered Mr. Snyder to pay $16,510.80 to Phelps and Westboro for the court costs they incurred appealing the original decision.

Oh, yes they did.

Look...I'm a pretty strict Constitutionalist. As such, I'm a firm believer in federally-protected freedom of expression. But picketing funerals? Funerals of young people taken out by extreme violence, whose families are just trying to grieve, and send them off with a little dignity? I'm fucking sorry. If there's anything lower one human being can do to another, I have yet to hear about it.

So what does any of this have to do with Bill O'Reilly?

"I'm glad you asked."

Well, it seems that Bill-O, despite his over-arching commitment to dickishness, has decided to exhibit a little humanity. According to a story making the rounds on the 'tubes, O'Reilly has cut a check to Westboro Baptist that completely covers every penny of the court-levied fine.

Well, I'll be a son-of-a-bitch. I guess what they say about stopped clocks is true.

Now, it's tempting to dump a shitload of spin onto this story, and frame it in the context of: "Bill O'Reilly Donates $16K+ To Anti-Gay Hate Group," but I think I'll leave that to bought-and-paid-for partisan shills like...well, Bill O'Reilly. Because you know if it had been Keith Olbermann, Fux News would frame it that way without a single batted eyelash.

So, I'm just going to say something I never thought I'd say; something that would actually be physically painful under normal circumstances...

Class maneuver, Mr. O'Reilly. Very class. For today, at least...you get a furlough from my shit list.

However, all bets are still off for tomorrow.

Weekend Extra: Video Meme Mashup

Sometimes, life offers us rare moments of synchronicity. The list of "eerie" similarities between the Lincoln and Kennedy assassinations is older than the internet. The books are full of stories about twins who were separated at birth, yet who grew up to be practically the same person. Not to mention that everyone's heard the hoary tale that if you get baked, put on "Dark Side of the Moon" and watch "The Wizard of Oz," the ghost of Judy Garland will come out of the linen closet, and suck you off while she fingerbangs your asshole, or something. I dunno, I've never tried it.

Point is, even in a chaotic universe full of immeasurable entropy, once in a while two completely unrelated things will start dancing in unison. And whats even cooler is when it's happening across a great distance of time and/or space, and the two participants don't even realize it's happening. Such is the case with what I'm about to show you.

Following are two memetic viral videos. Chances are, if you've found THIS little corner of the internet, you spend a retarded amount of time online, and that means you've already seen them. Be that as it may, I'm posting them for reference and context regardless.

First up is the famous Bill O' Reilly "Fuck it! We'll do it live!" rant from his early days at "Inside Edition" that hit the tubes about a year back. It's pretty awesome, because it underscores that Bill O' Reilly's always been an inflammatory fuckmouth, but he only decided to be honest about recently. To date, it remains the only thing he ever HAS been honest about.

Refresh your memory:



Oh, Bill. Is there no BEGINNING to your charms?

Following that charming clip, I'd like to present to you this sad spectacle. Apparently, this young man is having trouble with some bullies at school. And while I empathize, I'm not exactly sure this video was the most effective way to dissuade their cruel criticism:



Poor kid. Maybe it would help if he laid off the lip gloss a little? Just thinkin' out loud, here. Don't shoot the messenger.

Anyway, I'm sure you can see what's coming.

Via the magic of video editing, some enterprising soul has decided to pour these two into a blender, thumb the "frappé" button, and then serve the world the smooth, creamy, refreshingly delicious result.

And what came out was one of the few things I've ever seen on the internet that actually made me laugh out loud.



Isn't life fantastic? I sure think so.

Osama Egg Layden

by Lucy Parker, Ornithological Terrorism Expert

A short time after the miraculous emergency plane landing in the Hudson River I received a phone call from my concerned mother. It was along the lines of this:

Mom: I just saw on Fox News that a plane crashed in the Hudson River
Me: Don't worry mom, it's not terrorists, it was a pack of geese supposedly
Mom: (silence)
Me: Fine, it was terrorist geese from Iraq sent by Al Qaeda
Mom: Funny
Me: Stop watching Fox News

In all fairness, CNN was running the same headline of “Plane Crashes in the Hudson River” on their website. And I’m not sure if this is my general paranoia of flying that developed after 9/11 (for about 75% of a flight I am usually thinking I am going to die in a fiery air ball at 35,000 ft.), or the constant stream of up to the minute news, but my immediate thought was terrorism. I have a sneaking suspicion that a lot of people thought that as well.

While I am an informed citizen of the world, I do limit my news sources, because they all tend to sensationalize stories to draw in viewership. And nothing draws in news viewership like fear. After I had that little convo with my mother this got me thinking as to how Fox News, more specifically Bill O’Reilly, would present the story of the plane crash. This is how it all went down in my head:

O’Reilly: Horror on the Hudson, all 155 passengers and crew members lucky to be alive after an apparent terrorist attack by a pack of renegade geese sent to America by Al Qaeda. Here is an artist’s interpretation of the terrorist suspects.

We’ve heard of the “Western Al Queda” but who knew they were so close to home? Canadian Geese, terrorizing the skies. Who are these Geese from the North? And, why do they hate our freedom?

Tonight we have with us a leading expert on Canadian Geese, Tom Miller. Tom?

Miller: Yes, Bill. It is nice to be here.

O’Reilly: Now Tom, you’ve been researching Canadian Geese for quite some time now. Isn’t that correct?

Miller: Yes, since 1975 actually. Almost 35 years.

O’Reilly: Any insight you could give us on this new edition to the global campaign on terror?

Miller: Certainly. What most people don’t know is that Canadian Geese have been terrorizing the skies of America for quite some time now. Fortunately, we have some tools to combat these cowards.

O’Reilly: What sort of tools are we talking about here?

Miller: It ranges from the basic to the sophisticated, from firing noisemaking projectiles to making wildlife areas they normally inhabit inhospitable to radar.

O’Reilly: Radar? Is this the best we can do? . . . Hold on just one minute Tom, I’m getting news of a video of the terrorist geese. Can we see that video please?

O’Reilly: Not only do they appear to be at some sort of training facility, they appear to be mocking us. This is appalling . . . we’ll be back after this commercial break.