While I’ve been a drunk for some time, I had never gone out on St. Patrick’s Day until this year. My previous excuses usually revolved around employment commitments between 9 and 5 on weekdays. But being part of the proud elite unemployed 10% of America has freed up my schedule nicely for impromptu drinking.
I got up extra early on this holiday at 10:30 AM and proceeded to call all of my friends to see who was up for this mid-week, all-day drinking festival. Evidently, at the age of 30 friends get “real jobs” or “responsibilities” so I was left to make my way solo to downtown St. Paul for a parade and debauchery. While I only remember parts of the adventure, a diary was kept to chronicle the day…
12:30 PM – My first mistake was going completely sober to a parade of drunken idiots.
12:31 PM – Duck into an adult establishment to catch up.
12:49 PM – I run into an old high school female friend. She’s still pretty cute, so I take a seat.
12:51 PM – I have now asked 7 times if she has a boyfriend. All 7 times she did.
12:53 PM – I find out she is an elementary school gym teacher and is playing hooky from school with mothers of her students.
12:55 PM – I examine all mothers. They all have wedding rings except for the fat one… who has now asked me 7 times if I had a girlfriend. All 7 times I did.
1:07 PM – I’m bored with the cougars so I walk around the bar.
1:27 PM – I run into a gal I find quite attractive, so I strike up witty banter.
2:45 PM – I make-out with gal I find quite attractive.
3:17 PM – My buddy arrives and tells me that the gal I find quite attractive is not attractive.
4:11 PM – I find a MUCH less attractive girl and within 15 seconds of our conversation she proclaims to me, “You’re cute. We’ll make out later.”
4:11 (and 15 seconds) – I’ve accomplished everything I can with this conversation so I leave without saying a word.
5:01 PM – I run into my cousin Chris. What’s up, Chris?
6:36 PM – A balding middle-aged man stops me and commands me to talk to his female friend. She’s pretty cute and looks younger than him so I oblige.
6:38 PM – I make out with said woman.
6:49 PM – I notice a wedding ring.
6:49 PM – Thoughts of getting beat up and/or murdered by her husband fill my mind. I’m not a fan of either so I leave without saying a word.
7:17-12:42 - ???????????
12:43 AM – Early weekday bar close… I could use the extra hour, since I got a late start at the parade, but the bouncer doesn’t negotiate.
12:51 AM – I am stepping into a cab when the aforementioned middle aged married chick puts her arm around me and exclaims “My Boyfriend!!!” She then ushers me away from the cab and I resist only for show.
12:54 AM – After a short walk, we arrive at a large parking with only two cars in it… a 1996 Trans-Am and a giant van (one of those extended super long vans that churches and group homes use). Neither option is good.
12:55 AM – We get to the van and a man is checking people in on a clip board and it becomes evident to me that this is a swingers party.
12:56 AM – The van speeds off without me. My choice.
12:57 AM – Walk around lot.
12:59 AM – Get genius idea to call a St. Paul cop friend of mine. No answer.
1:07 AM – Sit on curb.
1:08 AM – I see the girl who said, “We’ll make out later!” She’s with her sober-cab, semi-slow cousin. She recognizes me although nobody knows any names. They offer me a ride to an unknown destination and I accept.
1:10 AM – I get in the backseat of the 2-door trans-am and for some reason there is a giant mid-90’s model computer monitor and printer accompanying me back there.
1:14 AM – I realize that we are traveling to a suburb 20 miles out. Information I probably should have collected at 1:08 AM.
1:15 AM – Girl who wants to make-out with me starts smoking weed.
1:37 AM – We arrive at the house of the girl who wants to make out with me and scamper to the basement.
1:42 AM – I discover that this is her parents house.
1:53 AM – I try to make her attractive but cannot.
1:55 AM – I try again.
2:08 AM – I pass out on her couch… er, her parents couch.
8:02 AM – I awake to hear parental activity upstairs.
8:17 AM – It gets quiet and I don’t flinch, so I sprint out the door and continue my workout right on down the street.
8:18 AM – I realize I have no idea where I am.
8:19 AM – I realize I’m really out of shape.
8:20 AM – I call my buddy the St. Paul cop.
8:58 AM – I get a police escort back to my car.
9:06 AM – Turn on the siren.
9:16 AM – Arrive safely at my car and drive home.
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