Pseudo-Celebrity Halloween Costume Roundup 2.0

Merton Sussex, Competitive Eater

When I scribbled out last week's Celebrity Costume Roundup, I did so because it came to my attention that there had been a bumper crop of Hollywood douchebags who had half-assed it on my second-favorite holiday of the year (The first? I've always had a soft spot for Valentine's Day. Yeah, I know. Go fuck yourself).

But then a sharp-eyed, charming, witty and dashingly handsome reader (named...um..."Milton Sussman") sent me a link to another dump file of famous-person Halloween photos. And this batch proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that some people in the public eye may just have learned a lesson or three from all of the wardrobe departments they've been through in their careers.

So, without further ado, here are a few paparazzi snaps that have restored my faith in Tinsel-town's ability to not cock it up come October 31st.

1) Kate Beckinsale and Len Weisman


Kate Beckinsale may have made some questionable choices during her career, but dolling up as a ridiculously spot-on Adam Ant was not one of them. Anachronistic cell phone notwithstanding, Her attention to detail here is pretty remarkable. And her husband, screenwriter Len Weisman, is pulling off a Crow so sucessful he could've doubled for Brandon Lee during the last few scenes they shot after they shot HIM. Impressive.

Score: 9.5/10

2) Gwen Stefani


Gwen took her kids trick-or-treating in this admirably authentic Jessie the Yodeling Cowgirl ensemble. To be honest, it's a little TOO authentic, so I'm guessing she has a friend at Disney, which is sort of cheating. But hell...she's rich and famous and she lives in LA. I don't blame her for pulling a string or two if she's got 'em to pull. No matter what, nicely done. Even the laces on the hat are right.

Score: 9/10

3) Rupert Grint


Viddy this horrorshow chelloveck, O my droogies.

Of course, Roop made his bread playing the junior wizard Ron Weasley in the "Harry Potter" flicks, but this delightful getup proves he's got a lot more respect for history than most other young actors. From bowler to suspenders, cutter-cane to lashes, salty smirk to stompy boots o' doom, he's more or less flawless as Alex DeLarge. So much so that I'll bet he didn't get pestered for a single autograph all night. Nothing like sauntering up to the friendly ginger warlock only to find yourself on the receiving end of a bit of the old ultra-violence. Serves you right, thou globby bottle of cheap, stinking chip-oil.

Score: 10/10

4) Eliza Dushku and Rick Fox


I think everyone agrees that vampires have gotten seriously fucking played out the last couple of years. Even so, as much as I'm not a fan of Eliza Dushku, and as much as I never cared enough about the NBA to bother remembering wich team Rick Fox played for, they've nonetheless pulled off a big win here with the "Vampire Bonnie and Clyde" thing. Doubt it? Then just imagine how cool that last shootout would have been if, instead of dying from the reported 50 or more bullet wounds they each received after being ambushed by cops, they had instead risen up from their perforated jalopy, slowly smiled, and then descended upon the posse in order to brutally drain them of every drop of their lifeblood via a series of gapingly-gnawed neck wounds.

Yeah, I thought so.

Score: 8/10

5) Martha Stewart


All right, I'm gonna tip my hand a little bit here, and admit that I have zero clue what the fuck Martha's actually going for with this shaggy monstrosity. Best I can estimate, she's opted to dress as, "Greasy Hairball Retrieved from Clogged Shower Drain." And, as a home-improvement expert, she she has an edge...because she knows that this is precisely what that looks like. So, based on that, she makes the cut for "costume that works," because, um...yeah. I'm actually kind of scared, and more than a little grossed out. Which is kind of the hallmark of any successful Halloween costume, I suppose. Way to go.

Score: 7/10

6) AnnaLynne McCord


Another admission: I had to look up who this person is. Apparently, she's an actress, best "known" for a role on "Nip/Tuck," which I've heard is good, but that I've never seen. Whatever. Unimportant. What IS important is this sweet Black Canary ensemble she's sporting. Big ups for not just going the superhero route, but going for a reasonably OBSCURE superhero. And for more or less pulling it off.

Score: 8.5/10


7) Kellan Lutz


I guess I must be pretty out-of-touch, as this is the second person in a row I've had to Google in order to find out who the fuck they were, exactly. I guess this guy was in that "Twilight" movie, which I have not seen due to the fact that I am not a 13-year-old girl. Nevertheless, he gets a little applause for the Robin gear. But, it's only a little. Reason being - the shoes. Look closely. He's got bottomless rubbery fake-boot overlays that he's wearing over a pair of Chucks. Because, when you're sporting a more-or-less movie-accurate Robin suit, it makes sense to skimp on the footwear.

Score: 7/10

8) Debbie Gibson


Yowza. Remember Debbie Gibson? The '80's teen singer? Apparently, she's still around. And it looks like she's completely ditched the wholesome teenybopper image sometime between posing for "Playboy" and yesterday. Good for her. Better for us. Admittedly, I'm not into skinny chicks, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that this shot makes it move just a little.

Yup. I'd fork her.

Score: 9/10

9) Travis Barker


Here, the Blink-182 drummer takes his daughter to collect candy, and he does it dressed up as "Guy Who DIDN'T Die in a Plane Crash." Hell, his shirt even says "Land," which works as both an abstract verb, and as a literal reference to the good ol' terra firma. In fact, "Not Dead Plane Crash Guy" is pretty much a costume he can pull off with ease and style every year from now on. And anyone who gives him so much as a half-ounce of shit for it is automatically an asshole.

Rock on, dude.

Score: 10/10

10) Kim Kardashian


HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS.

Look...I'm usually the very first person to decry the fact that you evidently no longer actually have to be GOOD at anything to be "famous" these days. I'll always give a genuinely talented musician or actor more respect than some vacuous starlet. But when it comes to sex symbols, few rank on the same level with the exquisite specimen that is Ms. Kardashian. Kim's a bigger smokin' hot bombshell than whatever was left of "Fat Man" after it wiped Nagasaki off the map. She's the kind of gal people used to fight wars over in the middle ages. I don't care that she's well-known for nothing. I don't give a rat's posterior that she has no discernible "talent" (beyond what she displayed in her sex tape). When you're THAT traffic-stoppingly hot, it just completely fucking ceases to matter. I'm sorry...as superficial as I'm not, packing herself into what there is of this Princess Jasmine costume was an inspired move...Both due to the fact that she totally has the exotic look to pull it off, and because JESUS CHRIST SHE'S FUCKING RIDICULOUSLY HOT.

Here's another look. You're very welcome.


Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go smoke an entire pack of cigarettes in a cold shower while imagining Ernest Borgnine putting the wood to Margaret Thatcher. See you in a few hours.

Score: 35DD-26-40/10

Pseudo-Celebrity Halloween Costume Roundup

Ah, celebrities. They're just plain BETTER than us regular folk, aren't they? That's why asshole paparazzi follow them around 24/7. Because even if all they're doing is sucking down some overpriced sushi at some suck-up hipster joint that'll close within a month, it's just so much more glamorous than if WE were doing it. Because they're FAMOUS!

Unfortunately, part of the problem of these fame-whore fucks getting photo-stalked every moment they're awake is that we sometimes are forced to confront how lame they can be. And at no time of year is this more evident than at Halloween. See, celebrities don't get enough of dressing up and playing pretend at movie sets, concert halls and fucking Los Angeles in general, so they still go all-out on All-Hallow's. So I thought it would be fun to take a look at a few of them.

Let's, shall we?

1) Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon


Oh...kay. It seems as though Squeaky McCougarboobs and her Child Bride have decided to pay homage to our country's heroic firefighters. And, admittedly, Nick hasn't screwed it up THAT hard. If I saw him on the street, he might actually be able to pass for the real deal, if not for the fact that he's fucking twelve. But Mariah? Yeah, she blew it as hard as she blew Tommy Mottola at her recording contract negotiations. If you went to put down a four-alarm apartment fire in THAT getup, you'd start to think "Backdraft" was a documentary right around the same time the radiant heat from ten feet outside the front door started to melt your implants.

Score: 6/10

2) Jeremy Piven


Scuttlebutt around the Hollywood office water cooler is that Jeremy Piven doesn't just play a massive cock on television, but that his performances are reasonably convincing being as he draws on his experience as an actual real-life penis-munch. Must be a "method" thing.

Anyway, here he is dressed up as an offensive racial stereotype. Although, to be far, it's not like he really put all that much effort into it. A hastily-cut hole in the middle of your hallway rug does not a serape make, you rectum. But hey, at least you also didn't bother wearing a sombrero, so the Latino Anti-Defamation League won't have to bury you in an anthill right up to your receding hairline.

Score: 2/10.

3) Audrina Patridge


Here we have someone named "Audrina Patridge." To be honest, I have zero idea who in the hell she is. However, I'm assured she's quite famous, for some reason nobody can actually articulate. After looking at several other pictures of her on the "internet," it appears as though her "talent" consists of never looking directly into a camera lens while being photographed. I'm not really sure how marketable that is, but it must be worth something, or she wouldn't pop up everywhere like Herpes at a bath house.

Despite this, I include this picture mostly to demonstrate that whoever or whatever she is, she's a goddamned idiot. The reason I say that is that she's apparently dressed like a "peacock." Of course, as anyone with even an ASSOCIATE'S in Ornithology knows, "peacocks" are always male. Hell, even people with a passing interest in the Audubon guide understand that when it comes to most of our fine feathered friends, the male of the species usually sports the more impressive plumage as a secondary sex characteristic intended to help them attract a mate. Only peaCOCKS have that fanning, shimmery tail. Female peacocks are called "peahens," and they're actually mostly gray. So, if you wanna break it down, she's sort of a peacock...in drag...or something. I guess. I dunno. Whatever. I've already spent way too much time thinking about someone who I care less about than I do about whether or not the lint filter on my dryer vent needs cleaning.

Score: 5/10

4) Nadya "Octomom" Suleman


I am assured that this is real. And for once, I have absolutely nothing to say. So...I'm just gonna leave this right here.

Score: 0/10

5) Rob and Marisol Thomas


Here we have Matchbox 20's Rob Thomas, and his wife Marisol. Now, despite the fact that Rob Thomas is kind of a top-40 corporate wimp-rock whore, he's actually pulled out a win here, gearing up as a "Baseball Fury" from the 1979 gang-war cult flick "The Warriors." And I'll be damned if I'm not forced to admit that this is actually pretty cool. He even accessorized with a Louisville Slugger. Golf clap, dude.

Of course, as a team, there's a bit of fail happening here...Because if Rob was going as a Fury, then his wife should have opted for a compatible counterpoint. All it would've taken would be an arm-sling, pink camisole top, and tan trenchcoat, and boom: instant "Mercy." Even more fun would be a leather "Warriors" vest with no shirt on underneath (which would be pretty hot, but still offer decent lady-parts coverage) and some torn jeans. Hell, feather your hair, stick a switchblade into your belt and go as a "Lizzie," for Christ's sake. And that's just off the top of my head. Instead, she's just topped off what she would wear any other weekend with a cheesy wig, and fallen back on the generic "Sexy _________" 98% of women dress up as for Tricks and Treats. Boo. F-minus for effort.

Even so...You win THIS round, Thomas. I will not be shoving that bat up your ass and turning you into a popsicle THIS time. But I've got my eye on you.

Score: 6/10

6) Speidi


Oh, dear sweet n' crispy Jesus Q. Christ in a fucking chicken basket.

Yes, this is what it appears to be. This is the two most useless carbon-based lifeforms in the entire universe (Spencer and Heidi Pratt), dressed up as the SECOND most useless: Jon and Kate Gosselin. Yes, really.

Y'know, this post might just as well have gone up under the heading of "The Day I Lost Faith in Humanity." Because I firmly believe that you are looking at the absolute nadir of the whole of Western culture right...up...there. It's as if the entire douche-o-sphere finally divided by zero and started to eat itself all at once. In fact, the only thing that could actually complete the circle is if the Gosselins reunited for one evening, and went to a costume party dressed as Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar.

And that, my friends, would open the Seventh Seal.

Score: -47/10

In England Verbal Assault is Considered a Crime . . . . Wait, what?

By: Lucy Parker

Verbal assault is considered a crime in England. This fact interests me in four ways, 1) Christian Bale of “Batman” was arrested this past week for allegedly committing this “crime”, 2) I extremely enjoyed that film, 3) I obsessively read celebrity gossip sites, 4) and most important, you can actually get arrested for verbal assault somewhere?

Now maybe I find this so diametrically opposed to what I think fits into the array of arrest able offenses because I am an American. I mean where would America be without verbal assault? How about the Declaration of Independence? That’s a fine piece of American verbal assault. Take that King George. I won’t even begin to list other examples, not only because there are far too many, but because I think I find this arrest even more so diametrically opposed to my American beliefs because the “assault” took place within the confines of a family fight.

While I am not certain of what level of importance other countries place on the family unit and what is normal for their daily family life; I am pretty certain, what one could be arrested for in England, labeled as verbal assault, is called Sunday morning in America. I mean I got into an actual physical altercation with my sister the day after Thanksgiving as our mother put up the family Christmas tree. We literally had to be pulled apart. It was a heartwarming typical American scene; I think Norman Rockwell actually depicted something similar.

(Come to think of it, that actually could have been an arrest able offense.)

There are a few basic characteristics that are attributed to the American Family: the husband, the wife, 2.5 kids, a house with a white picket fence, and an abundance of verbal battery. I literally do not know one person who has not had an all out explicative ridden shouting battle with another family member. This is normally not a highly discussed or advertised aspect of American family life, but it is definitely the most common.

Could you imagine if people actually could get arrested for verbal assault in America? I don’t know the arrest rates for this offense in England or to what extent they even enforce it, or what is even technically considered verbal assault. Would the normal run of the mill mid-fight phrase “I’m going to bitch slap you” get you arrested? Or does it take more, what does it actually take to get arrested for this? One time my own mother said she was going to stuff my father’s head into an apple sauce jar. Does that count?

Could you imagine sitting down to watch an episode of “Cops” and the local police department responds to a verbal assault call? I don’t know about you, but I would be pissed. When I watch a show displaying crimes I want it to be good. When the cops respond to a call it better be because some shirtless dude found out his hooker was actually a tranny while they were doing lines of blow on an illegal immigrant in the back parking lot of a 7/11. Anything else is crap.

What is the worst Christian Bale could have actually said to get him arrested for verbal assault? It has been reported that before the argument occurred Bale’s sister was asking him for money. It has also been reported that Bale’s mom works as a part-time clown. A clown you say? Now, I’m no comic book expert but wouldn’t the Joker be considered some sort of clown? And, Christian Bale is the man who plays Batman? I really want to see the police report on this one.