By Reno Gruber, Newly Single and Able to Tingle.In honor of a recent summer lady-friend breaking it off with
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5.) The aforementioned email-outty.
This particular diddy is wrought with disaster as its fucking impossible to read tone or intent via email, and with common spelling and syntax errors (which you know Reno is quite accustomed to making,) most of the time you don’t even realize what the fuck is happening until the last line.
Email break-ups are also generally littered with awful cliche and constipated thoughts that generally make an easy break-up frustrating. Personally, it wasn’t that I found it all that heart-breaking, but her over use of “It is what it is” made me want to magically turn into a girl for a minute so I could giveher hair a good tuggin’.
(note: DOF does NOT encourage violence against women unless you can actually turn into a woman temporarily, in which case the DOF loves a good cat-fight, MEOW!)
4.) The Facebook status change.
Nothing says “You meant nothing to me” like the shaming that is the Facebook relationship status change. That little broken heart avatar takes a casual summer-sex affair and makes you feel like a second-born Chinese baby…for about 15 minutes. Then you realize someone just fucking ‘face-booked’ about their personal life and god should probably choke-slam their soul. However, your relationship’s demise sandwiched between them becoming a fan of “Grey’s Anatomy” and them ‘friending’ someone else really is a nice tomahawk dunk to your nuts.
Bonus points if you see that they did it, realized they did it, regretted it, un-did it…then just said fuck it and did it again.
(Note: you actually win if someone did this to you. Unless they gave you genny warts first. Then of course, you always lose.)
3.) The singing telegram
This is actually an emotional roller-coaster worth taking I’d imagine. If someone is creative and sadistic to send you a singing telegram, you may try to get that person back. God doesn’t just create genius all the time, you know. At worst, make sure they don’t have any revealing pictures of you, because they’re not long for their private archives.
For your sake, let’s hope they wrote the lyrics and they include searing personal insults about your inabilities to please them in the sack, or that your breath that reminds one of Nacho Cheese Doritos. At least you can have a few laughs at your own expense.
Something like.
“You gave me the clap just by sitting on my lap. I knew you were all dead inside when you felt like cold raw-hydddddddddddddddddde!”
You have to respect that level of creative expression, even if they leave you a quivering mess.
2.) The post-it note.
Maybe the least caring way to say “you’re useless to my junk.” If you can summarize your feelings for someone as briefly and impersonally as you are allowed on a single post it note, hastily stuck in a semi-public place, than you probably should just realize you’re a spawn of Satan, and understand that hell awaits your inevitable demise.
However,
(Update: Apparently Sex and the City covered this; which makes me such a Samantha!)
1.) The Jumbotron Humiliation.
Reserved for only the most vindictive types; what better way to announce your new-found apathy towards a former lover than to share it with 20,000 of your peers? Now, you will be heavily censored in this endeavor, so you will want to make sure you either keep it simple and to the point, or cleverly include an innuendo most will get, but the sex-deprived score-board operator would be lost on. Any slang post 1997 should suffice. Sorry, that means “Bumping Uglies” is out.
Bonus points if you can actually set it up so that you’re not present; you never want to be anywhere beer or nacho cheese is prevalent when breaking up with someone… unless you have a nice shirt that needs a little flavoring.
If this happens to you,
BONUS- Readers Choice.
Post your favorite addition/ personal story to this in the comment section. The best comment will get free DOF swag when we finally get that stuff printed. (should be by next week.) If you can beat Merton, Blaine, Lucy, Alistair or Barry, then you deserve some free shit.
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15 comments:
since the DoF does make our headquarters in Minnesota, i think passive agressive is the only way to go. i suggest getting caught masturbating to disturbingly unerotic material --- like the LL Bean fall catalog or a Little Caesar's mailer
Wow, setting the bar pretty high there Blaine.
An open $5 dollar competition to all the DOF members.
Ready...go.
(i hope you have paypal)
Yea, I have absolutely nothing funnier than what blaine posted. Boooo.
Easy: Threesome. Just not one that you warn her about in advance. All you need to do is arrange to fuck her sister or best friend in a place and at a time where you know she's going to walk in, like, on her couch when she gets in from work. Obviously, she'll have a few seconds of abject shock while she tries to process what she's seeing. That's your window to, without pulling out or even pausing in your thrust pattern, say: "Feel free to join in anytime!"
Later, after you finish, and she's crying, say, "I did this for US! How was I supposed to know you wouldn't be into it?" Be as earnest as possible. Really MEAN it. You'll get dumped, but it won't be YOUR fault. After all, you're not psychic.
How about just telling the dumpee-to-be that you have something very important that you need to tell them -- but you want to tell it to them on the Jerry Springer show.
btw -- 2 things.
One -- I like the new page layout -- thught I was at the wrong site for a minute there.
Two -- This blog entry made me think of this thing I saw the other day:
http://tinyurl.com/5h69gh
break up option #2 was featured on an episode of "Sex & the City"
Oh yah, me and Darren Star are always on the same page.
"clinton to edwards: U suck at life!" lmao, bad egg.
You guys are geniuses. There is no way I can top these. I am a wimp when it comes to blowing people off which explains a lot of my "friends" (read: stalkers) that I haven't been able to get rid of. This enlightening posts has convinced me that I simply must get in touch with my Inner Sadistic Bitch. Luckily, I have never been dumped like this either. So, that's one good thing, I guess. Therapy is too damned expensive!
No sweat, trinab. We're great with advice.
However, we're not so great with bail money, so if any of that shit backfires on you, don't call us.
I know I'm not nearly as creative as you geniuses, but I think it's be mighty effective to keep it non-verbal and blow them up. With a bomb (not calling their cell phone repeatedly). But you have to hook it up to the refrigerator or something, then leave a note:
I made you a surprise!
love,
J-Mizzle
Lovin' the new logo/site design.
This should work for anyone under 30, 'cause you clowns still love the planet. (Most of us over 30 can see this spinning orb is just trying to throw us off). Take up the Green cause.
1. Start biking to work because even public transportation relies on some form of fossil fuels.
2. Stop showering and brushing teeth as it wastes water. If your soon-to-be-departed partner asks you to shower, tell them you're waiting for rain and need to get some biodegrable soap.
3. Go full-on Freegan (you know the people who only eat what others have thrown away).
Badger the other until they commit to this lifestyle, because we out it to other peoples future children (you could never sanction bringing a human into the barbarism in which we currently live).
Let's face it, three weeks into this and the odors that cling to you means no-one else will. They'll save you the trouble of breaking up with them by fleeing your SwAsS (see http://www.diaryoffools.com/2008/07/dof-definitive-guide-to-bicycle.html) faster than you can explain exactly what you meant by "I don't think this is working out…"
Yes, Jack Berger broke up with Carrie via Post-it note...after they had sex, of course.
Reno Gruber, you are the very funny man, if you are a man. You too, Blaine Fridley, if that is your real name.
Only thing you have wrong here is...you should never actively "break up with" anyone. It's too much effort, even the Post It note. Plus, what if you later want to have intimate relations with them, again? There's the danger they'll be offended.
You just have to wait them out. I know a guy who was basically "broken up with" his girlfriend for about 2 years and then finally it became evident to her, so she left him. That's the pleasant, mature way to deal with these things. But what do I know? I'm only 6 years old.
Only other thing…the L. L. Bean catalog, I'm sure we all agree, does have the possibility of some "erotic charge". If you don't think preppy women are sexy, you're doing it wrong. Preppy women are in fact sexier than regular women because they're fit and went to good colleges. The Little Caesars' thing...well, it's ugly and off-putting in every way, even related to advertising for pizza. So you're right there, and it is disturbing.
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