Remember 15 years ago when the experts were boldly proclaiming that this newfangled World Wide Web would forever change the way we live in ways we couldn't imagine? Well, this is EXACTLY what they meant.
Ladies and Gentlemen, meet the Bounce-O-Meter:
(CLICK PIC. DO IT. NOW!)
*Special thanks to DeeNice for passing this gem along!
The good thing about targeting slack-jawed, mouth-breathers as your base clientele is that with their mouths already open, it makes it all the easier to shove your shitty fast food down their throat.
(CLICK PIC FOR STORY)
I don't know what's worse: A) The fact that people waited up to 2 hours for Sonic, B) It was reported on by local news affiliates or C) It's my neighborhood.
Thanks to everyone who took the time to read Wednesday's post (see post below) and put their two cents in. Great comments all, so I thought I'd take a minute to address them. Also, just about everyone who commented has a blog of their own, and I'm a fan of them all. Make sure you check them out if haven't already.
Jeffrey Ellis said... Dude, that was a seriously funny post. Not just "sorta" gay indeed. But you should consider Bob Barr instead of Nader.
Thanks, Jeffrey. Bob Barr you say? I'll check him out. Jeffrey Ellis is the brain behind the very funny blog, The Stinker. Check it out at:http://jeffreyellis.org/stinker/
Tiggy said... How easy it is to get carried away by a twinkling smile and enthusiastic promise to do better than the last idiot. In the UK that man was called Tony Blair, and look how that turned out...
Tony Blair? At least he sounded intelligent while fucking his country over and supporting one of the most egregiously erroneous and inept military efforts of our time. So...there's that. Tiggy is the author of my new favorite blog, aptly titled Tiggyblog:www.tiggyblog.com
bad egg said... "Just exactly how much do people think will change if he becomes president?"
Well, the changes have already begun. Not only does he refuse to accept political donations from Special Interests, PACs and Lobbyists, he has now required the DNC to turn down these donations as well.
"When it comes down to it, do you think Obama is going to do what's right for this country's majority, or cater to influential constituents that helped get him elected?"
I sure HOPE he caters to the constituents who helped get him elected, since they are your average everyday Americans who have donated an average of $50 each.You REALLY need to get your gay back. Every vote for Nader puts McCain closer to the White House, and we've already had 8 years of it -- enough is enough. Seriously, look at the three candidates and ask yourself, which of these faces do I want riding my jock? The answer is clear. Oh, and thanks for linking your page to my blog. =)
I thank you for the urging, bad egg, but i just don't see my "gay" coming back. I know Obama has gone on record in refusing donations from special interests, lobbyists, etc. Call me cynical, but I find it hard to believe that this insane amount of money is clean of dirty, dirty, filthy money. He may not accept checks with a lobbyist's name on it...but I'd be willing to bet the campaign has received plenty of checks from 3rd cousins of lobbyists. bad egg came up with one of the best ideas for a blog that I've seen, and I am slightly spiteful for not thinking of it before her. You can track all of her misadventures in IM'ing at:http://randomchatlogs.wordpress.com/
The Offended Blogger said... "Republican or Democrat, history says the next president is going to embrace one policy over all others: The Status Quo."
True enough. I am voting for anarchy, myself.
Offended, Anarchy '08 is looking like a very intriguing ticket... The Offended Blogger aka Chelle B has created a nonstop juggernaut of a blog, the wildly popular The Offended Blogger. Check it out, it's wildly popular for a reason:www.offendedblogger.com
Chirs aka "Chris" Thomas said...
History proves [to] us that presidents that take chances and ignore the the negative detractors, inspire economic grow[th], create jobs, built infrastructure, help low income individuals out of poverty, create money for college tuition and increased technical skills education...OBAMA= New Deal Democrat. Obama=Roosevelt.
No president in our history has ever taken a real "chance". They have only made concessions to those citizens who demanded the basic human rights advertised in our constitution. And as for Obama being FDR...well...I have to disagree. Besides, Eleanor was the REAL Roosevelt, anyway. Chris Thomas does not currently have a blog that I know of. But he is a fine young man who treats the elderly with respect.
by Blaine Fridley, Delusional Optimist/Vote Flusher
I admit it. Like many of you, I went through a phase this spring were I was completely gay for Obama. And not just "sorta" gay, either. I mean like "Carson Kressley-getting-teabagged-by-Terry the rollerskating male prostitute from Reno 911-while-watching-The Bird Cage-and-listening-to-the-Grease Soundtrack-laying-on-my-unicorn sheets-and-ordering-from-the-Crate and Barrel catalog-on-my-penis-shaped phone" gay.
Oddly enough, that was right around the time I grew this mustache. But that's neither here nor there.
So why did I find myself so enamored with this youngish senator from Illinois?
That's simple. Because he was offering - come on, everybody say it with me - CHANGE! Very good.
And after 2 terms of the most abject failure in presidential history, well, who wasn't in the mood for A LOT of change?
No doubt about it, it seemed that Sen. BarackObama offered change in just about every aspect. He could read off of a teleprompter without stumbling over every polysyllabic word. And if, by chance, he did stammer for a split second, he wouldn't get all squinty and engage in a stare-down with the teleprompter, as if the prompter purposely threw in a 4th grade spelling test "challenge word" to make him look like an ass. The more I saw of Obama the more the list just seemed to go on. He was more charming and intelligent, he sold himself as a "uniter" and appeared focused on leading, not blaming or fear mongering. He was inspirational. Charismatic. Calculating-yet-conversational. And yes, he also happened to be our country's first truly viable non-white candidate, which quite honestly was an attractive - albeit shallow - aspect of the Obama candidacy for me.
Basically, the head-to-head comparison between George Dubs and BarackObama looked something like this:
VS. .
So, naturally, it was hard not to get excited about Obama.
And then, just as it happened to Anne Heche, the gayness started to wear off(though in all honesty, Anne, I don't think one should decide whether or not being a lesbian is right for them after a few months of scissoring with Ellen Degeneres...but I digress). After all the initial excitement about having a leader who wouldn't disgrace the nation every time he opened his mouth and the bonus incentive of witnessing the White House being painted black (as George Clinton predicted so many years ago in "Chocolate City") subsided, I began to realize something. Our president SHOULD be intelligent, level-headed, stately, diplomatic, charismatic and inspirational. All those things should be expected, not hoped for, damn it.
It seems we've been dealing with a worldwide punchline as our president for so long, we wet ourselves at the first sight of a confident, attractive, articulate candidate promising "change", selling optimism and telling us everything we want to hear.
I hate to be the Icy Hot in the lube bottle during the midst of this cross-country Obama circle jerk, but I think everyone needs to relax and take a step back from the rhetoric for a minute. Just exactly how much do people think will change if he becomes president? His refreshing persona aside, what kind of change are we talking about here? It's not as if he's some radical from a super progressive party. He's a heavily funded candidate of the Democratic Party, the same people that brought you John Kerry for fuck's sake.
When it comes down to it, do you think Obama is going to do what's right for this country's majority, or cater to influential constituents that helped get him elected? Would the Democrats really risk damaging the cozy and lucrative relationships they have with special interest groups and big business who donate hundreds of millions of dollars to keep them in office by supporting a candidate who would fight against many of these same entities? I'd like to think so. But probably not.
Republican or Democrat, history says the next president is going to embrace one policy over all others: The Status Quo. Which is to say, keep the top 10% super rich and the other 90% overworked, underpaid and misinformed. And anybody who honestly thinks we'll see fair, single-payer universal healthcare and a full withdrawal from Iraq on Obama's watch might as well vote for McCain. The chances are about the same. ZERO.
For that reason, I've decided to vote for Ralph Nader. Laugh if you want (I've heard plenty already) and pepper me with all those completely ridiculous "it's just a vote for John McCain" threats (it's not), but it's the only vote for true change there is in this election, and I'm going to exercise it. Because the way I see it, a vote for anybody running as part of the Republican/Democrat oligarchy is a wasted one.
Mere hours after it is announced that Senator Barack Obama (no relation to Mortal Kombat II’s Baraka) has the necessary delegates to carry the Democratic Nomination, the Illinois congressman hurried to the megatropolis that is St. Paul, MN to make his first speech to an adoring, salivating, and possibly sexually aroused crowd. A strange decision maybe, but taking a fancy step backwards and you will find a glaring question that encompasses this entire election campaign. Why the fuck do you even care about St. Paul, US politics? You do understand its St. Paul, not Minneapolis right?You understand we’re in Minnesota…ok…and you’re still coming??No, that’s fine. You’re totally invited, I just don’t see why- ok welcome. Oh...well make yourselves at home then.
My candor shouldn’t be mistaken for shame; I love me some St. Paul. I live right downtown, walk to work; I even know the four places that are open past 5pm to get dinner. I scoff at those who claim Minneapolis is the better twin, with its fancy clubs, pretty faces and open establishments. A pox on them and their easy living. But my civic pride still can’t deride the fact that the only thing funnier than the Republican Party having their national convention here will be how much those same republicans lose by in November. If there is anything you can count on, it’s that Minnesota goes Blue. Always. (see also: picture.) But for all the places Barack to be to build momentum, he chooses here? Does he think he’ll pick up a few more people for our electoral college, because I’m not sure that’s how it works? I’m pretty sure nobody knows how it works, but I do feel comfortable knowing he’s pretty much got Illinois, Minnesota locked down the moment they announced a Democrat was running.
But I do marvel at the possibility of seeing someone on the streets of St. Paul after 8pm. Actually, it kind of makes me want to move.
(Does that mean we have to make that squinty, just ate a rotten lime face?)
Yeah, I could sit down and type out all the reasons I can not stand the sight of Sarah Jessica Parker - or I could just show you this picture: What. The. Fuck.
THE PEOPLE, PLACES AND THINGS THAT MAKE THIS COUNTRY THE MOST FUCKING RIDICULOUS PLACE ON THE PLANET, BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE MOST FUCKING RIDICULOUS MAN ON THE PLANET HIMSELF.
#1 The Luther Burger
Some people call it the Luther Burger. I call it a moment of religiousepiphanasity. A big-ass ball of ground beef smothered in cheese, topped with bacon and sandwiched in between two deliciouslydelectableKrispyKreme doughnuts. Ostentatious, outrageous, uncomprehendingly calorific! First time I had a bite, I said "Kiss my black ass, Whopper!" You ain't the king. *I'm* the King! And this colossus of cholesterol is the fantabulific feast a King like myself deserves! You know what the Whopper uses for a bun? Bread. Broke, bland, weak-ass bread. You know what that is? It's outrageously, stupefyingly, systematically un-American! I'm a promoter of the people for the people and by the people and my magic lies in my people ties. I'm a promoter of America. I'm American people. You know what I mean? And you deserve better. That's right! I said it! Burger King is over there on his burger throne, in his bawdy burger castle with his harem of beautiful big-breasted burger wenches telling you - not asking you - what is delicious. And he says a burger in between two regular ol', weak-ass buns is tasty. That ain't tasty. My black ass smothered in butter and honey is tastier. I say it's time to dethrone this so-called king. He's scandalous, disingenuous, the bamboozler of bamboozlers!
This monarchical maniacal merchant of meat says I can have it "my way". Well ain't that some shit? If that were indeed the case, why can't I go to Burger King and get my burger wadded up in a grapefruit-sized ball and nestled in between 2 warm, sweet, heavenly KrispyKreme doughnuts?
Move over, Burger King! You've just been usurped by the Luther Burger! Only in America, my friends! Only in America!
In lesser news, most cats can handle tons of mushrooms according to my friend Kate, so go nuts with them. Apparently they're really entertaining that way too.
Watching this video four times in a row will instantly make you attracted to mid 80's George Michael, scrunchies, terrible lip-syncing, side pony tails, and probably the same sex.
So apparently 1/5 of America won't be here to see me tell them that they are really fucking old. Actually i'm kind of holding out to see if this whole "world wide web" thing actually pans out, or if it's just the next Betamax.
"These cock suckers should really be executed." -Fred Phelps, Super Nice Dude Fuckstick, Kansas
"Everything that's wrong with today's 20-somethings."
- Some Asshole Blogger Minneapolis, MN
"...See? This is what I'm talking about. It's shit like this that makes people doubt my existence in the first place. Well, that and the fact that Mario Lopez keeps getting work somehow."
- God, Alleged Creator of the Universe
Hoboken, NJ
"I think it's neat how a group of retards can run their own website. A nice little story."
-Debra Goosingbunz, Social Worker Sandusky, OH
"Seriously, if I catch you people going through my garbage again, I'm getting a fucking restraining order." -Bootsy Collins, Funk Bassist, Cincinnati, OH
"OH MY GOD OHMYGOD IT BURNS HOLY FUCK IT BURNS GET IT OFF GETITOFF OH SHIT IT HURTS SO MUCH OHMYGAAAAARRRGH AAAAHHH!" -Some Guy Who's on Fire, Burning Man Festival, Black Rock Desert, Northern NV
"I thought this blog might be kinda funny at first, but it's nothing but name calling....a veritable thesaurus of insults." -Anna Nimity, Internet Spectre, Cyberspace
"You're a shitty writer and this site sucks dick." -Mr. Meh, Cracked.com reader, and apparent dick-sucking authority
Worldwide Love for the DoF (The DoF on the Interweb)
So how much in owed child support do you think was in attendance at this Father's Day Bash? 
VS. 
.
(though in all honesty, Anne, I don't think one should decide whether or not being a lesbian is right for them after a few months of scissoring with Ellen Degeneres...but I digress). After all the initial excitement about having a leader who wouldn't disgrace the nation every time he opened his mouth and the bonus incentive of witnessing the White House 
being painted black (as George Clinton predicted so many years ago in "Chocolate City") subsided, I began to realize something. Our president SHOULD be intelligent, level-headed, stately, diplomatic, charismatic and inspirational. All those things should be expected, not hoped for, damn it.
My StumbleUpon Page
Mere hours after it is announced that Senator Barack Obama (no relation to Mortal Kombat II’s Baraka) has the necessary delegates to carry the Democratic Nomination, the Illinois congressman hurried to the megatropolis that is St. Paul, MN to make his first speech to an adoring, salivating, and possibly sexually
aroused crowd. A strange decision maybe, but taking a fancy step backwards and you will find a glaring question that encompasses this entire election campaign. Why the fuck do you even care about St. Paul, US politics? You do understand its St. Paul, not Minneapolis right?You understand we’re in Minnesota…ok…and you’re still coming??No, that’s fine. You’re totally invited, I just don’t see why- ok welcome. Oh...well make yourselves at home then.
By Blaine Fridley, Editor-in-Chief
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