"It's not you, it's me"

Friends, family, fans and common whores,

The Diary… is dead. At least for now. What started several years ago as a young man's way of dealing with the horrific realities of being a customer service rep for a monolith insurance company has slowly grown into what I believe to be a consistently entertaining and groin-grabbingly sexxxy web log - or "blog" as the kids say - thanks to the help of some wicked talented contributors/great friends and a small-but-loyal following.

I'm grateful for all the support and super proud of the product we've been able to produce. Alas, the time has come to move on. But please do remain on the DoF's "Like" list in the advent of a Diary return or maybe something completely different but equally e-rotic.

Thanks all!
Blaine Fridley

DoF Friday Funk: Kill The Vultures

Now we'll NEVER know what Willis was talkin' 'bout (Abridged).

CNN is reporting that former child star Gary Coleman, 42, has passed away of a brain hemorrhage in a Utah hospital.


Since first rising to prominence as TV's "Arnold Jackson" on the sitcom "Diff'rent Strokes," Coleman was more than a little popular. However, his career in acting was far too brief, as any projects he undertook in his post-"Strokes" career proved to have abbreviated lives. Whether showing up in a diminutive cameo on another sitcom, experiencing skimpy amounts of camera time on reality shows with undersized viewership, or appearing in a tiny role in a puny film, Coleman's continued acting career was mostly punctuated by teeny parts in pint-sized projects not long on appeal.

However, discouragement never seemed to cut off his determination at the knees, and his spirit never diminished. Whether making the most of a bit part in the exploitation film "Midgets vs. Mascots," or during his under-the-radar run as pitchman for mortgage website CashCall.com, Coleman never came up short on drive. Through it all, his enthusiasm, cheer and likability were never in small supply.

Good-bye, Gary Coleman. All of us get only a minuscule amount of time on this planet, but it's still unfair when one so well-liked and with such stunted amounts of pretension has a life so sadly truncated.

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Random Thoughts with Reno Gruber

"In this economy, the smart prostitute lets you pay them in unwanted gold. That $35 dollar blow-job just turned into a $38.56 blow job, you industrious whore."

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This Day In Internet Awesomeness : Rap against Rape

What happens when you combine Early 90's Rap, Rape Awareness, Outstanding levels of self-obliviousness, and the Irish?

This, of course.



Thanks to The Rev. for another great link.

Champions of Society

Last night whilst enjoying some quality couch time with Wifey aka "The Franchise" (let's face it, calling her "The Better Half" is still giving myself way too much credit. We're not talking about an MJ/Pippen dynamic here. Ours is more LeBron (Wifey) and… well… name somebody else on the Cavs (me). I'm just happy to like, have a uniform and stuff. But I digress), she pointed out this little feelgood story posted on TwinCities.com (originally published on Politico) with a headline that read: 'I voted for you...I'm gonna kill you': FBI report outlines surge in threats against members of Congress

Now, take a few seconds to come up with a general character sketch in your mind of the typical person calling in death threats to elected officials. I'll be watching video of wakeboarding monkeys while you do.

HA! The monkeys think they're people.

OK, then… So what did we come up with?

Angry white male? Yyyep. Gun fanatic? Of course. History of mental illness and spousal abuse? Very good!

Here's a brief suspect profile from the story:

The FBI says the caller was a 70-year-old resident of Shuler's North Carolina district with a history of mental illness and a cache of guns. In the weeks before calling Shuler's office, the FBI says, the caller beat and choked his wife. She told the FBI that she'd tried to clear her home of guns — and that she went to bed at night with a can of mace tucked under her pillow.

OK. So the guy isn't necessarily succeeding at this whole "life" thing, but before we write him off as "capital K" KA-RAZY, let's hear his motivation behind making the call. Perhaps there are several more layers to be peeled back. Again, from the story:

"When agents showed up at the man's door, they asked him why he'd threatened to kill Shuler.
'I was trying to work the political scene,' he said."

Haahahaha outstanding.

Yes. "Trying to work the political scene". You know, in the tradition of John Wilkes Booth. Or Sirhan Sirhan. A reeeeal savvy strategist, this guy. Fucking classic. But if you can believe it, the story only gets better from there. Let's meet the the Darwinian hiccup that produced threats on the life of Sen. Debbie Stabenow, D-Michigan:

In February 2009, a man left voice mail messages for Stabenow in several of her Michigan offices.
"We're gonna (expletive) get you," he said in one message. "We're gonna get you with a lot of (expletive) bolt action. Like we did RFK; like we did MLK. We know who you are. We'll get you."

And a little background on the caller:

"FBI agents tracked the calls to a 54-year-old Texas man who lived alone — and who at one time had owned a 20-gun arsenal of handguns, shotguns and rifles."

Hmm.

I seeee...

But again, let's not just jump to conclusions and assume this man's threats - as misplaced and disturbing as they are - aren't coming from a place of legitimate ideology and real passion/concern for his country. Let's read on:

According to the (FBI) documents, he told officers that he was "really, really drunk" when he made the calls. He said he was just "venting" — taking out his frustrations after hearing a discussion of the Fairness Doctrine and becoming concerned that the government would attempt to abolish the radio shows of Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh.

This Is Real: Warriors of Elysia

Imagine, if you will, a magical place.

In this magical place, there is abundant beauty. Lush, natural green forests. Marble temples with breathtaking rotundas. And everywhere you look, giant-titted hotties in bikinis kicking the holy living shit out of each other for absolutely zero discernible reason.

This, my friends, is the fabled land of Elysia. And the busty chicks beating each other up? They are Elysia's Warriors. The...uh...Warriors...of Elysia. Yep.

Stay with me, now. It almost starts to make sense in a minute.

"Warriors of Elysia" is an upcoming video game. Well...kind of. But not in the sense that you might think of "video game" if you've ever picked up a controller that had more than one button.

At its core, "Warriors" is a fighting game, sort of in the vein of a Street Fighter, or Tekken. But, that's pretty much where the similarities stop. Because while most fighting games pride themselves on having deep rosters of characters with pages and pages of insane combos and button-mashing special moves, the appeal of "Warriors of Elysia" is a lot less "Left-Right-B-A," and a lot more "Up-Down-Double-D."

See, wherever "Elysia" is? There apparently aren't any men there. Instead, the place is populated exclusively by chicks in skimpy string bikinis who delight in beating each other up.

Internet: Serious Business.

Why, exactly? Who the hell knows? Details are sketchy at this point. There's not much of a story to speak of, the official website is straight out of 1995, and we've only got a (big, bouncy, double-)handful of screenshots and videos to go on. Plus, depending on the source you read, "Elysia" may or may not be the direct or spiritual successor to a previous game called "Bikini Karate Babes," where similar well-endowed women pounded the piss out of each other while doing things like shooting fireballs out of their nipples.

Yeah...Really.

In any case...it appears as though this is what it has come to. Despite the massive strides video games have made in terms of artistic presentation, insanely deep story lines, and mature themes of death, betrayal, and honor...we're now apparently being treated to THIS fucking dreck. And yeah, I know buxom ass-kicking chicks in fighting games is nothing new. "Dead or Alive" exists. So does "Rumble Roses." And you could right an entire doctoral dissertation on how Ivy Valentine from "Soul Calibur" has managed to strap her G-cups down with no more than three square inches of load-test-strained Lycra.

But that's not the point. The point is, an at-least passing attempt was made to make THOSE games balanced, deep, and solid. The tits? Those were thrown in as a fan-service afterthought. But this? Obviously, the sweater-knobs came first, and then they built a game around them. Someone just KNEW they could make a lot of money by putting out the digital equivalent of Jell-O wrestling.

"Give us your money."

Even sadder, "Elysia" is an at least PARTIAL attempt to somewhat legitimize the bikini/karate pseudo-genre "established" by its predecessor. This is supposedly the next generation of bathing-suit ass-beating, with the deliberate camp elements taken the hell out...in as much as such a thing is remotely fucking possible.

Look, I like tits. I like tits a LOT. I'm willing to bet I like tits a whole lot more than you do, even if you like tits very, very much indeed. But being a discerning connoisseur, an aficionado of tits? This means that I understand that tits in CONTEXT are better than gratuitous, pandering tits-for-the-sake-of-tits. I mean, sure...Lots of tits (especially big, bouncy ones that are everywhere) are far, far better than no tits at all. But this? I dunno. I just can't support these tits. And from the looks of things, they need all the support they can get.

Anyway, here's the trailer. I know you're going to watch it.



And here's a video of one of the enormously-boobed women from the game, explaining to everyone how real, digitized characters in games has "never been done before." Uh-huh.



(Lady? As much as we'd like to forget that "Pit-Fighter" and "Aerosmith Presents: Revolution X" ever existed, you REALLY ought to at least acknowledge the first couple of "Mortal Kombat" games, being as you aspire to their level, and all.)

"Warriors of Elysia" is in development for the PC, presumably because, despite the existence of "BMX XXX," console gamers try to have at least a LITTLE taste, and like their games to NOT look like something that got swept up off of the cutting room floor of 1999.

If you buy this, you are a bad person.

This Day in SPORTS! History

Milwaukee Brewers vs. New York Yankees, 1976
With two on and two out in the bottom of the 9th inning, Brewers 3rd baseman Don Money's deep fly ball disappears into Oscar Gamble's afro for a ground rule double, scoring the winning run and securing a series split for Milwaukee.

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The British Petroleum Public Relations Department!

This Day In History: May 21st

1927: Charles Lindbergh landed the Spirit of St. Louis near Paris, completing the first solo airplane flight across the Atlantic Ocean. Upon touching down, he immediately made a beeline for les toiléttés, and set a second "longest" world record: Continuous Urination.


1956: The United States exploded the first airborne hydrogen bomb over Bikini Atoll in the Pacific, thus beginning the dick-waving pissing contest known as "The Arms Race," and ending the peaceful island vacation of an unsuspecting George and Myrtle Collins of Two Rivers, Kentucky.


1979: Former San Francisco City Supervisor Dan White is convicted of voluntary manslaughter in the shooting deaths of Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk. White's argument that junk food had fueled his rampage was derided as the "Twinkie defense." His conviction immediately stops any other shady attorneys from ever again attempting to claim their clients aren't guilty because of similar unrelated and laugh-out-loud ridiculous made-up maladies.

Westboro Baptist is about to make the mistake of their lives.

You guys remember Westboro Baptist "Church," right? The hate group that poses as a place of worship, and preaches fire and brimstone all over anyone they don't like? And how "anyone they don't like" comprises anyone who isn't currently in their fucking building, soaking up their bullshit?

Well, friends. Those people are about to get what's coming to them. Check out this blog post on Blabbermouth.net, the authoritative blog on All Things Metal. Then, check out the discussion I just had with Blaine concerning Phred Phelps' impending death.

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"Leaving America Short-Handed Since 1957!™"

Banner Banality: Dissecting Advertising's Lowest Form.

Front Sight Firearms Training Institute: Gunfights don't give second chances.

Me: Hey, you know what? That's totally true. I probably should avoid gunfights at all costs, huh?

Front Sight Firearms Training Institute: Ummm, no… that means you should learn how to gunfight properly… ahderrrr.