This Is Real: Warriors of Elysia

Imagine, if you will, a magical place.

In this magical place, there is abundant beauty. Lush, natural green forests. Marble temples with breathtaking rotundas. And everywhere you look, giant-titted hotties in bikinis kicking the holy living shit out of each other for absolutely zero discernible reason.

This, my friends, is the fabled land of Elysia. And the busty chicks beating each other up? They are Elysia's Warriors. The...uh...Warriors...of Elysia. Yep.

Stay with me, now. It almost starts to make sense in a minute.

"Warriors of Elysia" is an upcoming video game. Well...kind of. But not in the sense that you might think of "video game" if you've ever picked up a controller that had more than one button.

At its core, "Warriors" is a fighting game, sort of in the vein of a Street Fighter, or Tekken. But, that's pretty much where the similarities stop. Because while most fighting games pride themselves on having deep rosters of characters with pages and pages of insane combos and button-mashing special moves, the appeal of "Warriors of Elysia" is a lot less "Left-Right-B-A," and a lot more "Up-Down-Double-D."

See, wherever "Elysia" is? There apparently aren't any men there. Instead, the place is populated exclusively by chicks in skimpy string bikinis who delight in beating each other up.

Internet: Serious Business.

Why, exactly? Who the hell knows? Details are sketchy at this point. There's not much of a story to speak of, the official website is straight out of 1995, and we've only got a (big, bouncy, double-)handful of screenshots and videos to go on. Plus, depending on the source you read, "Elysia" may or may not be the direct or spiritual successor to a previous game called "Bikini Karate Babes," where similar well-endowed women pounded the piss out of each other while doing things like shooting fireballs out of their nipples.

Yeah...Really.

In any case...it appears as though this is what it has come to. Despite the massive strides video games have made in terms of artistic presentation, insanely deep story lines, and mature themes of death, betrayal, and honor...we're now apparently being treated to THIS fucking dreck. And yeah, I know buxom ass-kicking chicks in fighting games is nothing new. "Dead or Alive" exists. So does "Rumble Roses." And you could right an entire doctoral dissertation on how Ivy Valentine from "Soul Calibur" has managed to strap her G-cups down with no more than three square inches of load-test-strained Lycra.

But that's not the point. The point is, an at-least passing attempt was made to make THOSE games balanced, deep, and solid. The tits? Those were thrown in as a fan-service afterthought. But this? Obviously, the sweater-knobs came first, and then they built a game around them. Someone just KNEW they could make a lot of money by putting out the digital equivalent of Jell-O wrestling.

"Give us your money."

Even sadder, "Elysia" is an at least PARTIAL attempt to somewhat legitimize the bikini/karate pseudo-genre "established" by its predecessor. This is supposedly the next generation of bathing-suit ass-beating, with the deliberate camp elements taken the hell out...in as much as such a thing is remotely fucking possible.

Look, I like tits. I like tits a LOT. I'm willing to bet I like tits a whole lot more than you do, even if you like tits very, very much indeed. But being a discerning connoisseur, an aficionado of tits? This means that I understand that tits in CONTEXT are better than gratuitous, pandering tits-for-the-sake-of-tits. I mean, sure...Lots of tits (especially big, bouncy ones that are everywhere) are far, far better than no tits at all. But this? I dunno. I just can't support these tits. And from the looks of things, they need all the support they can get.

Anyway, here's the trailer. I know you're going to watch it.



And here's a video of one of the enormously-boobed women from the game, explaining to everyone how real, digitized characters in games has "never been done before." Uh-huh.



(Lady? As much as we'd like to forget that "Pit-Fighter" and "Aerosmith Presents: Revolution X" ever existed, you REALLY ought to at least acknowledge the first couple of "Mortal Kombat" games, being as you aspire to their level, and all.)

"Warriors of Elysia" is in development for the PC, presumably because, despite the existence of "BMX XXX," console gamers try to have at least a LITTLE taste, and like their games to NOT look like something that got swept up off of the cutting room floor of 1999.

If you buy this, you are a bad person.

This Day in Internet Awesomeness

The less said, the better. Just shut the fuck up, and watch this video.

DOOO EEEET.

Tragedy and What It Is In Vids: Volume One

Tragedy

I read the news today, oh boy, as I’m sure you did. To say the news was rather sad would be an understatement.

Last night’s tragedy has affected me on a base level that is rarely penetrated. Working my day job has been tedious beyond compare – my mind constantly drifting to this horrible, horrible sadness. Much like Obi-Wan Kenobi, I felt – literally felt – a thousand voices cry out in pain and then immediate silence. My bones are chilled – my sinew stretched. Humanity has suffered a deep wound in its inner thigh and I fear it’s a wound that won’t heal for a year or so. Rallying the troops (i.e. Americans, i.e. fleshpots) is in order more now than ever. Pray with me.

This being the Internet, it goes without saying that you’re already painfully aware. At approximately 11:10 PM yesterday evening, the famed Italian ocean liner, the Andrea Doria, collided with another vessel off the coast of Nantucket Island. The Doria immediately started sinking and was attacked by octopi. The latest report shows that 46 people have perished in this horrific accident, which is 43 more than that NFLstravagant boating accident, involving free-agent defensive lineman Corey Smith. This is undoubtedly being etched into the history books in the “Really, Really Bad” chapter, next to The Spanish Inquisition and Swept Away. The date of July… Twenty-Fif…th… Hmmm… That can’t be right… Nineteen… Fifty-Six?... What the fuck? That’s 52 years ago. This has got to be a mistake. John Boy, what do you make of this?


No, not you… Get me Johnny T-T.


"What's Up, Gener?"

The fucking Doria sank 52 years ago? Did you know that? You said your friend told you it sank last night.


"My friend says a lot of things. Sometimes he's on and, well, sometimes he's not."

No shit, he’s not. His “breaking news” is over half a century old. Your source just made me look ridiculous in front of my readers.


“You don’t need help looking ridiculous, Intrigue. You do a good enough job of that yourself, you fucking sally. Go fuck yourself.”

So, it’s come to that. Getting told to “go fuck yourself” by a washed-up, Jonathan Taylor-Thomas on the World Wide Internet. Ignominious.

Ignominious and…

INTRIGUING!

What It Is In Vids: Volume One

As you may be aware, there is a source of entertainment on this planet called "video games." Some humans use video games as their ticket to escapism. Humans use consoles or PCs to play virtual basketball, drive virtual #77 Subaru Cusco Advan Imprezas, nimbly avoid virtual fried eggs in an attempt to construct giant virtual hamburgers and, of course, save virtual hot-ass princesses that put out.

For those not aware that video games exist, I’ll let Slick Rick briefly break down the advent for you.

Slick Rick? If you please?

"Here we go…
Once upon a time, not long ago,
When people played charades and lived life slow.
When pants were bells and justice stood,
And people were entertained like they ought ta good.
There lived a man named Allan Alcorn
Whose dreams included things like getting high scores - said,
'A-tar-i’s gonna make some cash.
Sellin’ that Pong and makin’ the dash…'
They sold that Pong and money came with ease
And out popped the V.G. industry.
Then Atari made anotha and a sista and a brotha
Got their parents on board and this fun was discovered…”

Ok, that’s enough. Now that I’ve stolen a chunk of your brain matter and stamped “video games” on it, you’ll be happy to know updates will be squeezed into that brain matter on a semi-regular basis in volumes titled “What It Is in Vids”. This is the first volume. DON’T WORRY! The first volume will hurt a little, but it won’t last long. After this one, you’ll notice that each subsequent volume will feel better and better. While the volumes won’t be informative or helpful, they will certainly deliver a nougat-filled center of clever and a “YAY” or “NAY” from Uncle Intrigue.
Dragon Age: Origins


Dragon Age: Origins is a role-playing game (RPG) coming out next week for the PC, Xbox 360 and PS3. It looks like it will be fantastic in 5,000 ways . For those of you familiar with Baldur’s Gate, you probably already know about this game. For those of you familiar with Baldur’s Gate that DON’T know about this game, I’ve got eight words for you, “You should buy this game,… man… or woman.” (Fuck, why did I say eight words? That was close.)

This game has been in development for about 5 years. Needless to say, it’s highly anticipated to those in the know. It will kill from a sales perspective and could kill from a real-life perspective, given the proper amount of acceleration and/or suspension of disbelief. It looks to be a deep, plot-rich, heavily detailed RPG that promises between 40-80 hours of solid gameplay.

What garned some attention and ire from the gaming community was EA’s use of Marilyn Manson’s opus “This Is the New Shit” in its initial trailer. Please view below for instant titillation.



Seem over the top and inappropriate for an RPG video game? No worries. That’s why Jesus created the Hawaii Five-O Theme Song.



To make my opinion known, old Geners gives Dragon Age: Origins a hearty YAY. It should be purchased and played at any cost. Don’t have a gaming unit? Fuck you, buy it. Business bad? Fuck you, buy it. Place got hit by lightning, huh? Fuck you, buy it. That’s not nice. I’m sorry. What I’m trying to say is this game will be highly pleasurable in ways both cerebral and spiritual.

And thus concludes the first installment of What it Is in Vids. Stop groaning! They all won’t be this long. I hoped you enjoyed it and have not evaporated. That would be disconcerting.

Disconcerting and…

INTRIGUING!

DoF Celebrates America's Birthday

8-bit werewolves are surprisingly patriotic, and tomorrow they will be making all sorts of little bleep-bloop approximations of howling at the moon in honor of the good old USofA, where they can finally have the freedom to shave their chests in front of shadowy cabals.

I'm sure by now you've heard the naysayers bitching about the fragility of our democracy ever since the Vice President turned out to be an evil mastermind, but may I remind you of President Michael Wilson's brave actions in that dark time.

If he had not courageously donned his highly advanced power-armor and singlehandedly battled the VP's forces, we'd all be drinking Darjeeling tea right now instead of proper oat sodas.

So bash the flag if you must, but you'll be spitting in the eyes of all the musclebound werewolves and mech-piloting politicians who gave so much to defend your right to do so.

Stop by GamesRadar for an exhaustive look at the videogame heroes who gave their all for Lady Liberty.