by Blaine Fridley, No Longer Welcomed at Neighborhood Gym
Last week at the gym, I accidentally watched CBS. Which, unless being subjected to an advanced interrogation technique, is the only way I'm ever going to watch CBS. In all honesty, I was a tad bit surprised to learn that it still existed. Andy Rooney, too, apparently.
Well, on that particular evening, the Columbia Broadcasting System was airing a brutally-named program called The New Adventures of Old Christine starring the former Ms. Elaine Benes - Julia Louis-Dreyfus - as "Old Christine."
After catching a glimpse of the now 48 year-old comedic actress, I quickly thought of a new title and mailed it off to CBS president Leslie Moonves: ¡SPOOGE!
Good christ, she's fine as all hell (No word back yet from Leslie on that title change, btw. But I don't imagine him arguing the point that ¡SPOOGE! is a far superior title).
And then while browsing the gym's magazine rack for the newest copy of Ebony, I'm slapped in the face with this rack:
Daaaaamn, Elaine!
I said, shit! Goddamn!
Wha ha happen'd?
Don't you know you're supposed to be OLD?
I should be reading your pamphlet on the ravages of Osteoporosis, not rubbing one out at the gym to your Shape Magazine cover. (Note: Be on the look out for my next post: The Top Ways to Get Your Gym Membership Revoked. Hint: don't rub one out on the elliptical machine. Also don't resist arrest so you can "finish" before being taken into custody. That only exacerbates the problem).
In fact, Julia Louis-Dreyfus is way more of a boner threat now than she was 20 years ago.
See?
I suspect some sort of performance enhancing drugs are at play.
After all, this kind of late-career surge is almost unprecedented.
Almost.
Conclusion:
Julia Louis-Dreyfus is the Barry Bonds of female sitcom actresses.
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