Politics
Bush administration, Christian Coalition unfold revised abstinence-only campaign
Washington, D.C.-
Reiterating their stance that the best way to get teenagers not to do something is to shroud it in mystery and order them not to do it, President George W. Bush and the Christian Coalition of America unveiled their new abstinence-only public service campaign yesterday. Entitled, "Abstinence: Dry-humping your way to salvation!", the print, radio and television spots highlight alternatives teenagers can try in lieu of pre-marital genital-to-genital contact. "You know, like anal," Bush detailed before adding, "This guy over here knows what I'm talking about," winking and pointing to ABC's Ted Koppel, a well-known assman.
Back to school
Child tries on new jeans at JC Penny, mother loudly surmises they're too large in the crotch
Onlookers in fitting room area snicker, boy humiliated
Democratic National Convention
Obama's acceptance speech manages to pander to every single interest group in the country
Obama presidency would benefit red states/blue states, big-city liberals/small-town conservatives, pro-choice activists/pro-life demonstrators, war-mongering jingoists/anti-war advocates, creationists/evolutionists, feminists/male chauvinists, Red Sox/Yankees, cats/dogs, proclaims Democratic nominee
Entertainment
Disaster Movie looks to cash-in on head trauma patients with disposable income
New "comedy" opening today bets on this small, but lucrative and easy-to-please niche of movie-goers with low to minimal brain activity.
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