So, I read THIS on CNN this morning:'Fast & Furious' shatters box office records
In the first truly shocking box office result of the year, "Fast & Furious" sped away from expectations to gross a humongous $72.5 million, according to early estimates from Media by Numbers.That result is effectively double what most industry observers had predicted for the debut of the fourth feature in Vin Diesel's car franchise, and it left in the dust a number of notable records:
- Best April opening ever, beating "Anger Management's" $42.2 million.
- Best Universal Pictures opening ever (three-day), beating "The Lost World: Jurassic Park's" $72.1 million.
- Best F&F franchise opening ever, beating "2 Fast 2 Furious'" $50.5 million.
- Best opening yet in 2009, easily beating the bows of the more-buzzed-about "Monsters vs. Aliens" ($59.3 million) and "Watchmen" ($55.2 million).
- Best opening ever for stars Diesel, Paul Walker, Michelle Rodriguez, and Jordana Brewster, as well as for director Justin Lin.
Oh, and let's not forget that it was the best opening ever for a car-themed movie! (Beating "Cars'" $60.1 million.) This outcome is impressive, indeed, something that has caught Hollywood by surprise and has the potential to really change things up -- like when summer-esque blockbusters are released (rarely does one open so early in the year) and like, you know, what everyone thinks of Vin Diesel.
You guys obviously don't get it yet. See, if you see shit movies, shit movies make money. And if shit movies make money, the anus of the giant Hollywood machine keeps pumping them out like so much chocolate soft-serve.
We had almost gotten rid of Vin Diesel, people. We were THIS FUCKING CLOSE to consigning him to video game voice-over hell. Up until last week, the best he could hope for would be an offer to play the lead in "The Chris Daughtry Story," but no.
Apparently, NOT Vin Diesel. I'm as shocked as you are.You all had to elevate the "star" of such hair-pullingly, teeth-gnashingly awful fare as "Chronicles of Riddick" and "The Pacifier," to the status of someone capable of opening an April movie that beat Pixar, Jack Nicholson, and "Watchmen." After taking a pass on the last two ("2 Fast 2 Furious," and um..."Japanese Smudge," or some shit), his career was so obviously in the toilet that he came crawling back to do ONE MORE of those asinine goddamn car-tweaker movies in a move so transparently desperate as to be openly mockable. And instead of being all, "Whatever, 'Transporter' dude," you fucking sheep swallowed it up like it was candy-coated crack. You FOOLS. Do you have any idea what you've DONE?!? Even Steve motherfucking GUTTENBERG had enough options and enough pride to turn down "Police Academy 18: We Give Up," and he's been living on Top Ramen and gutter runoff since Clinton's first term. But, no. You just couldn't let it go.
"I'm dead inside."CNN again:
Overall, the box office was up a monstrous 68 percent from the same time frame a year ago, when holdover "21" outplayed a number of weak new movies, none of which had Vin Diesel ... whom you're going to start hearing a lot about, once again.
Oh, that is IT, America. You and me? We are fucking DONE professionally.
Come to think of it, Vin Diesel has done exactly ONE THING in his career that didn't make me cry hot tears of shame. And that it because it made me cry hot tears for other reasons:
"I am NOT a gun."Yeah, I'm man enough to admit it. Makes me weep openly every single time like a Girl Scout who came in dead last in the cookie contest, and I'm not ashamed in the slightest. Shit, I'm getting misty just thinking about it. And if it doesn't have the same effect on you, you don't have a soul, and you can just delete yourself from my buddy list forever. I'm perfectly serious about that.
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