The Most Insidious Lie Ever Told

...or Don't Piss in my Pocket and Tell me it's Raining
by Knarf Black XIV, Consumer Advocate/Sandwich-related Subterfuge Whistle-blower

No, it's not global warming you silly bastard; didn't you see Waterworld? I am, of course, speaking of the Subway fast-food chain's "Five Dollar Footlong" promotion.

By now you have undoubtedly been exposed to the campaign's trademark jingle. (Slate has an excellent piece about it, appropriately titled "Jingle Hell") If not, consider yourself one of the lucky few whose minds will not be slowly, painfully destroyed. You see, this is no ordinary musical slogan, it is a painstakingly crafted form of irresistible white-noise that, when heard or even recollected, overwrites the contents of human memory with copies of itself. Filling and overtaking the mind like something out of a Borges story.

With phase one firmly established in the already atrophied pre-frontal cortex of the American consumer, the evil geniuses at Subway Central Command began "lowering" the prices of their footlong sandwiches. Initially this seems like a great deal: a customer can save nearly $1.70 (or almost but not quite the cost of adding chips and a soda) off the price of a higher-end sub like the "Chicken Bacon Ranch." The savings becomes more modest in the midrange section, but thanks to phase one, the drooling masses are not likely to notice.

It is in the basic, no frills, single meat section on the menu where phase three comes into play. Early last year, a customer could find a small selection at prices like $4.89 or even $4.69. During the initial phases, the masses could laugh these off as "pussy" subs and go on to order their prime rib or seafood sensation--where the "deals" are.

With minds clouded by jingles and attitudes coddled by moderate discounts, few noticed the subtleties of the dread phase four. The infectious commercials were scaled back, the large colorful banners replaced with more subdued versions, and the promotion retreated to the low end sandwiches. No longer a "limited time" deal, $5 Footlongs are simply a menu item. This means that the base price of a Subway Sandwich is now a crisp, green Lincoln.

Son of a bitch. Subway just raised their prices on us and we liked it. We thanked them for the simplification of sandwich related math.

It did not take long for stronger minds to cut through the deafening neural-noise and raise their voices in righteous complaint, but the Subway Restaurant corporation was prepared for this eventuality. Hence phase five: the return of full force five dollar footlongs. The garish red banners are back, along with even lamer commercials to reinforce the already endemic neural degridation. No longer are there any footlong menu items listed below the $5 mark, nor is their any indication that this has ever not been the case. They've always cost that much. You don't need a six inch sandwich, you are hungrier than that. It only costs a dollar and change more, anyway.

Five.
Five dollar.
Five dollar foot-looo-oong.

Join us.