By Blaine Fridley, Editor - in - Queef
Doctor: So, your results are in.
Patient: And?
Doctor: Congratulations. You have herpes. Here's your Valtrex prescription.
Patient: [hugging doctor] Thank you, Doctor! Thank you! Thank you!
Doctor: [laughing] Pleasure's all mine. This is actually my favorite part of being a doctor. Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life, son.
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If TV has taught me anything it's that Nazi prison camps weren't so bad, number one. Just one
hilarious escape attempt after another foiled by the stern but comically fumbling Col. Klink and his band of Keystone Nazis. But secondly, it has also taught me that in order to live a full, happy, adventure-filled life, there is only one way to go about it... by contracting genital herpes.Growing up, I was told that genital herpes was something to avoid. Little did I know, that was just yet another lie disseminated by the public school system, along with other whoppers such as Columbus discovering America and the entire subject of Algebra. And sadly, it would be a lie I blindly accepted.
Until I saw a Valtrex commercial.
I watched as a male genital herpes "sufferer" and his gorgeous female companion skipped through a fairy tale montage of hand-gliding, rock climbing, jet skiing, horseback riding and romantic picnics in the fiery orange glow of a perfect countryside sunset.
Sitting on the couch sorting Sun Chips crumbs from my belly-button lint, I contemplated my life - which I naively thought was OK up until now - and how it differed from the couple on my TV screen. And after minutes of reflection (mixed in with several Hot Pocket breaks) it dawned on me - herpes. They have herpes. I don't. Herpes is the key to happiness! And even more so, taking Valtrex twice daily to control outbreaks is the key to happiness. Hello, World! Make way for Blaine Fridley and his oozy, blistered junk... I've got an awesome genital herpes-filled, Valtrex-fueled life to live!
And from that point on, I swore to myself that I would spend every waking hour sticking my ween into any orifice willing to accept it until I contracted genital herpes, and consequently, found true happiness.So far my quest to contract genital herpes by sticking my ween in every willing, available orifice has resulted in failure. Well, failure and several restraining orders. But no matter, DoF readers. The urgency of now has taken over and I will not stop until I am on a mountain top proclaiming to the world "My name is Blaine Fridley! I have herpes and I've never been happier!"
Onward!
Blaine Fridley
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