Your Headlines for May 28, 2009

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Entertainment

Jon Gosselin's Soul Pronounced Dead

Economy

Matthew McConaughey's Shirt Budget Falls Victim to Recession… With Sexy Results

Crime

Chris Brown Stabs Fast Food Employee
"I specifically asked for extra Arby's Sauce"

Your Headlines for April 7, 2009

Sports

Twins Pay Tribute to Carl Pohlad in Home Opener
Team mascot launches deceased owner's remains into crowd with air cannon

(Above) Twins Mascot "T.C." with fan Barb Bettendorf. Bettendorf caught the gilded urn filled with Pohlad's ashes and a coupon good for half-off a Big Montana™ Roast Beef Sandwich. "I love Arby's," replied Bettendorf when asked to share her favorite memories of the former Twins owner.

Politics
Norm Coleman Stops Bullet with Teeth, Thwarts Assassination Attempt

Entertainment
Chris Brown Pleads Not Guilty to Charges of Assaulting Pop Star and Girlfriend Rhianna
Though new book will detail how he would have assaulted her if he did, which like, you know, he totally didn't