This Day in History: 1966

U.S. Roman Catholic bishops did away with the rule against eating meat on Fridays outside of Lent, but voted unanimously to preserve the Catholic tradition of tea bagging all new altar boys.

This Day in History: 1800

Open for Democracy

Congress holds its first session in Washington's new Capitol building. After arriving to the partially-completed structure on the backs of their slaves (little known fact: slave piggyback rides were considered the ultimate status-symbol vehicle of the early 1800s*), representatives quickly went to work passing legislation that made female orgasms illegal before dismissing themselves for the rest of the day to kick a drunk peasant who had wandered on to the Capitol's grounds. 

*the DoF can't actually prove this, but it sounds right, yeah?

President Bush Shocks us all

This might be one of the funniest photos I have ever seen. Soon to be former President Bush is scene here posing with his staff at the White House making a rather childish yet funny hand gesture (two in the pink, one in the stink). You know that out of that rather larger group of people someone had to have known what that hand symbol stands for. However, not one person said anything. Maybe the jokes on us and they know perfectly well what that hand gesture means.

The DoF Friday Funk: TV on the Radio

TV on the Radio - "Dancing Choose"

The DoF Superstar Showcase: Sondra Pill vs. Jerry Callahan vs. A Finnish Cult

Welcome back to another edition of Superstar Showcase! Last week's contest was a runaway, with Ellen and Donald earning 100% of the vote on the strength of their undeniably infectious song, "He Loves a Fat Girl". This week's Showcase, however, features a diverse field sure to have the vote split like the proverbial post-coital urine stream. Don't forget, everybody who votes for their favorite Superstar Showcase contestant is automatically entered to win a free DoF T-shirt. Just cast your vote in the comments section and send your contact and sizing info to diaryoffools@hotmail.com (absolutely NO info is given out). 

Today's first contestant is a legend of cable access, who goes by the name of Sondra. Or Ms. Prill if you're Nasty:

OK...nice work, Sondra. How you were able to turn down that group of swarthy middle-aged men in a Best Western hot tub is beyond me. You most definitely are in Control.

Our next contestants are a nameless Finnish collective who are finally answering this nagging question: What if the movie Grease took place in a late 1970s space disco: 

Whoahohoho! That, my friends, is what you call raising the bar! The only thing that even has a remote chance of topping that is a magic show, because EVERYBODY loves a magic show (everybody=the mentally handicapped)! But not just any magic show. I'm talking about Jerry Callahan and his cleverly-named "The Paper Balls in the Bottomless Box" routine:

Holy Crap! It used to be one would be burned at the stake for wizardry like that! 

Whew…well, good luck voters, that wraps up another edition of the Superstar Showcase. You definitely have a hard choice to make. As always, vote early and vote often --- free DoF swag is at stake!

Champions of Society

As active participants in this little experiment called democracy, we Americans are used to being pissed on by our elected officials.

It's just that some of them are a little more literal than others:

Councilman vows to quit alcohol after public urination bust

BY RICH SCHAPIRO AND MIKE JACCARINO
DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITERS
Monday, November 10th 2008, 2:11 AM

Pea-brained Jersey City Councilman Steven Lipski swore off booze Sunday - two days after he was busted for urinating on a crowd of revelers at a Washington D.C. nightclub.

"I've resolved not to touch alcohol again," Lipski told reporters outside his home.

He called the incident "deeply humiliating, very embarrassing" and "troubling."

EARLIER: COUNCILMAN IS No. 1 THREAT AT D.C. CLUB
Still, the two-term Democrat refused to admit that he drunkenly relieved himself from the second-floor balcony of the 9:30 club Friday night.

"I can't comment on that," Lipski told Fox 5. "I'm going to continue to do all the good things, and I'm not going to let this overshadow me."

Lipski's vow to lay off the bottle came after he spent the weekend reassuring pals and contributors that it was a spilled drink - not No.1 - that got him in hot water.

"I spoke to one of his contributors this morning, and he's denying the whole thing," one source said yesterday.

"He's telling people he spilled a drink. It's ridiculous. He's already said he's not resigning. He's telling people that."

Lipski, 44, in Washington to see a Grateful Dead tribute band, was hauled out of the concert hall by cops after staffers spotted him in the act about 9:50 p.m., club sources said.

He was charged with simple assault.

The incident is the second booze-linked black eye notched by Jersey City pols in two years.

Mayor Jerramiah Healy was arrested and pepper-sprayed outside a Jersey Shore night club in the summer of 2006 after tussling with local cops.

"It's embarrassing for the city," said Jersey City Councilman Steven Fulop. "If you are invested in the city or are considering it, it sends the wrong message."

[End of story]

Lipski has now admitted in more recent stories that he's a recovering alcoholic who fell off the wagon and did indeed unleash a golden shower upon the helpless Dead Heads (insert your own joke here re: Grateful Dead fans finally getting a shower of some sort).

Ok, just a few quick things here:

1) Jeezus, I love the NY tabloid tandem of The Post and The Daily News if only for leads like "Pea-brained Jersey City Councilman…"

2) Oh, and the fact that this is the picture used in the story only makes me love The Daily News more.

3) Let's see, I'm a dude in rehab trying to stay off drugs and alcohol. Where should I go to avoid all temptation? Hmmmm…I GOT IT! A Grateful Dead Coverband show!

Pet Peeve #3: Female Sideline Reporters

If there’s one thing I dislike about watching football, it’s the female sideline reporters. The only female sideline reporters that don't make me completely denounce feminism are the ladies that actually played sports.

These types of reporters provide as much value to the game as white rappers do to rap and Vanna does to “Wheel of Fortune.” There’s the awkward interview with a coach who won’t be revealing anything important until after the game, "We'll be running a splitback formation on every play in the second half. They will never see it coming!" And there’s the injury update that is already circulating through the press box. Most of these women are articulate and knowledgeable but lets be honest, they’re really only there because of boobies.

Someone forgot to send network executives the memo stating not all boobies increase ratings, just the hot ones. The people deciding who’s attractive are the same people who think Kelly Ripa is sexy. Despite what a drunken Joe Namath may think, something about a Botoxed face under five layers of makeup and airbrushing just doesn’t do it for me.

Sports have altered the way our society views people on television. Regardless of how short a man is, how much hair he has, or how big his beer belly is, he still has the potential of making it on our screens. The same rules seem to apply to the female sideline reporters. Would Andrea “Big Eyes” Kramer and Michele “Man Hands” Tafoya been hired if HDTV was invented back then?

If she’s not eye-candy she should at least be able to ask appropriate questions and have a clear knowledge of the game and the players. It’s not exactly the most difficult job. When a player is injured and starts heading towards the locker room, do they really need to ask Suzy Kolber for feedback when she is just going to say, “He is injured and is heading towards the locker room, back to you in the booth, the nice… warm… booth.” Isn’t Suzy way more talented than that?

While interviewing Mike Singletary at the 49ers/Seahawk game, Danyelle Sargent mistakenly attributed Bill Walsh as Singletary’s mentor. Then Sargent went on saying that Bill Walsh was one of the first phone calls that Mike made when he got the job. First off, Bill Walsh was not Singletary’s mentor. Second, Bill Walsh is dead. Other questions Sargent meant to ask Mike included: "Are you going to start Joe Montana or Steve Young?" "What’s the significance of the cross necklace thingy that some of the players are wearing?" And finally, "do these jeans make my butt look big?"

Don't get me wrong, bad broadcasting is bad broadcasting. There is a plethora of horrible male sports reporters. Tony Siragusa comes to mind.

At what point did hiring female sports reporters stop being a “breakthrough” and start being an annoyance? The very fact that the female sports reporter only receives about 20-30 seconds of air time and can only be found on the sideline is enough proof that it is merely a token gesture. Is this network executives’ sorry excuse of an attempt at luring female viewers? I don’t see tampon ads being added to the commercial line-up any time soon. Save these reporters from embarrassment.

It's true there are great ladies on the sidelines. I call them cheerleaders. They don't talk or ask questions. They don’t keep score. Their job is to bounce and look pretty.

Ideally, the female sideline reporter would know the difference between a nickel defense and 30-stack. She would look hot in a bikini, listen to ESPN Radio Primetime and be able to hold a conversation with Bill Parcells. Take Suzy Kolber’s brain and put it in Melanie Collins’ body and you have the perfect sideline reporter... In your dreams.

The DoF Funhouse: Super Obama World

Click here to play:

Super Stores: Super Fun & Super Dumb

By Lucy Parker, Super Store Enthusiast and Basher

America has an obsession with “super stores”, Target Greatland, Wal-mart Super Center, Sam’s Club, Costco and BJ’s. At these one-stop shops you can get everything from a pair of socks, to a Christmas tree, to a gallon of mayo. And, let’s not forget Ikea, where you can spend hours walking in their store layout, forced to follow those arrows around what is probably the size of an airport hangar looking at mediocre Swedish household items. Although people complain about these places in reference to shit that is wrong with America (i.e. excess), most people (including yours truly) cannot get enough of these places. I don’t know what it is!

In my own defense, I must say that it is a very rare opportunity that I get to visit these establishments. Manhattan is a size constrained island and having airport hangars full of gallons of mayo would require some serious real estate acquisitions on the company’s behalf, although there is no doubt they are probably trying to do so. (They opened one in Brooklyn, but how am I supposed to get all my crap back on the subway?) Thus, every chance I get to go to one of these places, I jump at the opportunity. It’s like a friggin' field trip that fills me with amazement and the undying urge to buy shit I don’t need. At one trip to a Sam’s club I purchased 36 ice cream sandwiches. Why? BECAUSE I COULD! Did I eat them? No, I had about two. I was so ashamed, that is until my most recent experience with the super store, Ikea.

One of my roommates had access to a car and planned on visiting Ikea with her family. Seeing this as a prime opportunity, I immediately wanted to go. However, it wasn’t possible and I went to Ikea’s website and found a nice dresser for my room. I gave my roommate the money necessary to purchase the item and she delivered it right to our apartment, a success by any means. Only everything went horribly wrong and I ended up needing to exchange the dresser because, super stores always known for their “quality”, half the parts were missing. What else should I expect from a store whose instruction manuals don't even include words? Graciously, one of my friends agreed to drive me there, on a Saturday night.

And, that is when I realized how much it sucks to be an adult sometimes and the very real possibility that my life is pathetic. I had to get a number, like I was at the DMV, and wait to be called. So, there I was in Paramus, NJ, on a Saturday night sitting at Ikea’s customer service with my half dresser and half ass watching “Final Destination 3”.

The only thing that made this night better was that when I looked up after checking my phone, a crowd had gathered around the TV playing “Final Destination 3” in the waiting area. A crowd that included my two friends and people who weren’t even waiting for their numbers to be called, they were just passing by with their shopping carts and somehow got entranced into that horrible movie. My number was called and I exchanged my dresser and ripped my friends away from “Final Destination 3”. We placed my dresser in the car, so we could move around Ikea at ease. Of course we weren’t leaving.

Not only were we not leaving, but it became essential that we stop by the food place and stock up on food items for one dollar (hot dogs, ice cream, etc.) I saved my food money for the cinnamon buns at the end. We didn’t care that we only had an hour and fifteen minutes until the place closed, never mind that only a week before I had sworn off Ikea and all similar stores (not you Target, I love you) on moral principles. We were at Ikea and we were going to make the most of it, damnit.

A lot of people would ask what you can get done at Ikea in only one hour and fifteen minutes. My answer is a lot. Common sense tells you that in general you are going to want at least 2 hours there, given the sheer size of the place and the fact that they do sell food, as if it were some sort of marathon where nourishment is needed such as Gatorade. Actually after my sprint through Ikea, it would be preferable if there were some sort of stand set up throughout the airport hangar where you can get electrolyte sports drinks, I’ll take red please.

Dresser free and well stocked on high caloric nourishment, my friends and I proceeded to what I would call “crash shop” our way through Ikea. It was reminiscent of those designer bridal gown sales where people line up hours in advance and tear through the store to find their dress, although not quite on that scale. We were literally power walking our way through, and with 15 minutes to spare were able to get two dressers (3 if you count the one I exchanged), 3 lamps, drawer compartment organizers, and some bamboo. The topic of discussion on the car ride home was that we didn’t have enough time and that we must return ASAP.

The worst part was that I whole heartedly concurred. I had just had a horrible experience with Ikea that will forever be emblazoned in my brain, but one little 2 hour excursion at Ikea broke me. All I needed was to see that ugly, lit up, yellow Ikea sign and I was immediately drawn to it, like a mosquito to a lamp. I cannot wait until we go again, and I am ashamed that I am not the least bit ashamed.

The DoF Friday Funk: Santogold, NERD and Julian Casablancas

Santogold, NERD and Julian Casablancas - My Drive Thru

Have a great weekend and don't forget to go here to enter for your chance at an official DoF T-shirt. 

The DoF Superstar Showcase: Roy Al vs. Ellen and Donald vs. Jordan Thomas

American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, America's Got Talent. If these programs show us anything, it's that Americans crave attention and judgement more than anything. And the more marginal your talent, the more attention you'll crave. The only problem is, there are SO many attention-starved, marginally talented Americans and so few judges of marginal talent. I mean, Simon and The Hoff can't be everywhere. That's were the DoF Superstar Showcase comes in. Each week, the DoF writers will select 3 contestants with a questionable supply of talent and an unquestionable overstock of delusion.

You, the DoF faithful, will then select the week's winner by leaving your vote in the comments section and emailing your vote to diaryoffools@hotmail.com. Why email too? Because everybody who votes in the DoF Superstar Showcase is entered in our new monthly T-shirt drawing, and we kind of need to know where to send the prize to (along with sizing info, etc.)

So, let's meet this week's Superstar Showcase participants, shall we?

Our first performers come into this week's Showcase as the undeniable favorites, and I think you'll see why. Performing live from the Queens Public Access studios, savor the flavor of Ellen and Donald as they perform their soon-to-be smash hit, "He Loves A Fat Girl":

Whew. A tough act to follow, for sure. But if ANY act can follow that ode to copiousness, it's the heavily-medicated Casio keyboard stylings of Ms. Jordan Thomas! Here she is, ready to blast your mind into outerspace with her show-stopper, "Mars".

All rrrright! And the Showcase is ON FIRE! And speaking of fire, ladies, make sure you have a fire extinguisher around for our next performer. He's guaranteed to leave your panties smoking. He goes by the name of Roy Al, and as he'll explain in the video, he'll be rocking you with his own distinct flavor he calls "Fresh Alternative". Performing his original song "I Found a Girl", give it up for Roy Al:

So there you have it. Vote early and vote often in the comments section and via email for your chance to win official DoF merchandise.

Let the Avalanche Begin!

LOOK OUT! Here comes the cataclysmic post-election Sarah Palin snowslide of stupidity wherein we learn little Trig isn't the only special needs member of the Palin Clan.

Sometimes, a picture really is worth a thousand words.

Click for larger version, suitable for framing.

Time to get to work.

Just HOW much support does Barack Obama have?

By Merton Sussex, Rabble-Arouser

The U.S. presidential campaign is heading into the home stretch. And, if poll numbers are to be believed, Barack Obama's going to win by a considerable margin.

Of course, the GOP, in a move reminiscent of actual racism, thinks that fake racism is going to swing things their way in the polls. But they don't call it racism. Like they usually do when discussing race, they use code-words in an attempt to camouflage their motivation. They refer to the racism they're HOPING exists using terms like "The Bradley Effect," or, "Voter's Remorse." But when you strip out the euphemism, what it boils down to is: The Right really feels like the average American isn't going to actually be able to bring themselves to pull the lever for a black man once in the privacy of the polling booth.

Me? I call bullshit. And why?

Because even shameless, flaming racists are gay for Obama.

Witness this article from Esquire.com. They surveyed a handful of active white supremicists, and...no shit...3 of the four support Obama.

"McCain would be much worse. He’s a warmonger. He’s a scary, scary person--more dangerous than Bush," says Tom Metzger, Grand Dragon of the Ku Klux Klan during the 70's. You might remember him as Geraldo's guest the day his nose got broken. In addition, they talked to a man named Erich Gliebe, Chairman of the white power group National Alliance, and former boxer who hit the ring with the name "The Aryan Barbarian." Of the junior Senator from Illinois, he said, "I give Obama credit, he seems to have stuck to his guns as far as pulling the troops out of Iraq. He’s a very intelligent man, an excellent speaker and has charisma. John McCain offers none of that."

So, the Klan and Aryan nations peeps are on board, ready to rock with Barack. Who else?

Well, the Jackson Clarion-Ledger, Jackson Mississippi's daily newspaper, has endorsed Obama for President, too. You can read about it here.

"So what?" you say? "A lot of newspapers are endorsing Obama. And hey, just because they're from Mississippi, that doesn't necessarily mean they're racist, so don't stereotype." And you'd be well within your rights to say that.

However, I refer to them as "racist" because of their unfortunate history. The day after Dr. Martin Luther King's famous "I have a Dream" speech in 1963, when almost a quarter-million African-Americans marched on Washington demanding jobs, freedom, and civil rights, the above-the-fold headline on top of the front page of the Jackson Clarion-Ledger read: "WASHINGTON IS CLEAN AGAIN WITH NEGRO TRASH REMOVED." Yeah. Really.

We shall overcome, indeed.

This Day in History: 1957

The Soviet Union increases its lead in the so-called "Space Race" by launching Sputnik II, the first spacecraft to carry a live animal into orbit. That animal - a dog named Laika - would serve to answer one of space travel's most pressing questions at the time:

"How would zero gravity affect a cosmonaut's ability to lick their own anus?"