An Open Letter to Christian Bale

Dear Christian,

Worth a shot, no?

Sincerely,

The DoF Crew

Just Kidding!

Hey there suckers! It’s your Commander in Chief, Barack Hussein Obama! I fooled you. All this ‘Yes We Can’ and ‘Vote for Change’ mumbo jumbo was my cousin’s idea. ‘Our time for change’, ‘A New beginning’, ‘Women for America’, sounded hilarious at the time. We were so high. My favorite is “We must pledge once more to walk into the future”. What the hell is that supposed to mean?

This whole community organizer gig was just me getting the family together for the holidays.

Now, onto business, the American people voted for me based on things that they call "issues." Issues are different things that people like to fight about. It’s pretty entertaining. With that said, my job is to outline a few of these issues.

Economy: I started watching the news recently and all I hear is whining and complaining. “I can’t afford a gym membership,” “I had to sell my Timeshare in Boca Raton,” “I can’t feed my family.” Boohoo. Reality check, you couldn’t afford to feed your family or go to the gym when the economy was good either. You just got caught is all. Since people can’t manage their money as well as they’ve been pretending to, I’ve come up with an alternative solution. Check this shit out, there’s a building where they make money. It’s called the US Mint. Let’s go to that building. Let’s start printing a shit ton of money.

Immigration: We’ve tried posting the National Guard at the borders. We even allow crazy dudes with automatic weapons wander the deserts hunting them. But still, the aliens keep landing on our property, mowing my lawn and trimming my hedges. I’m announcing a new initiative to keep legal and illegal aliens out of America. Sure, we could push the border north a bit or make New Mexico part of regular Mexico again but I have a better idea. A moat. It will be approximately 20 feet wide and connect the Atlantic with the Pacific Ocean. We can put signs up saying “Keep Out” or “Turn around” with pictures of el chupacabras. We need to stop being known as the “Tierra de Oportunidad” and start being known as (lowers voice) “Tierra de Muerte.”

Terrorism: I’ll continue to utilize the Bush Administration’s ideology of fighting terrorism: Freak everyone out. Personally, I like this idea. When explaining why we’re at war to the American people, Bush has explained to me that it is very important to make your Ns sound like Qs and your Afghanistan’s sound like Pakistan. In the meantime, I’ve set up a two stage, color-coded system to warn Americans when we are under attack. Red stands for “We are under attack” and blue stands for “We are not under attack.”

The Environment: Global Warming is only getting worse. Which is super serious since initial predictions said it would destroy Earth. I propose sending 10,000 troops into outerspace to fight the war against sun. I’ve named the mission Operation Yellow Dwarf. Clever, I know. If that doesn’t work, we can change our thermometers from Fahrenheit to Celsius. And if that still doesn’t work, I’ll have Al Gore wave his magical wand laser pointer, repeat the words “Drowning Polar Bear” and “Melting Icecap” five times and “poof”, people will recycle and buy more hybrid cars.

My boy Biden has explained to me that there are even more issues that should be covered, like Education and Health Care. I will address these after I Google them. Thank you and God Bless America!

The DoF Friday Funk: Twin Cities Love Edition

There's no place like home.  

Doing the MN proud, it's Atmosphere and Brother Ali from Minneapolis' own Rhymesayers label. 

Atmosphere - "Shhh"

Brother Ali - "Uncle Sam Goddamn"

The Intellectual Scrapheap: Not-So-Deep Thoughts from the Mind of Blaine Fridley

How do pubes find their way into the employee refrigerator?

Never mind.

I'll just keep telling myself it was an eyelash.

This Day in History: 1878

Thomas Edison receives a patent for his phonograph, along with preliminary approval for the earliest known rendering of what would later become known as the ShamWOW!®

Jesus.

Hastily Posted by Blaine Fridley, Editor-in-Chief/Human Beatbox

Knowing as I do that the NY Post could easily be sold as The Xenophobe Gazette and Daily Reader for Slack-jawed Conservatards, it would be silly of me to get too worked up over anything that gets printed in it. It is, after all, owned by the FOX News Corp.

But today, mixed-in with the usual array of mad-libs, pop-ups, coloring activities and stories written in 16-font type with full-page color photos was this gem from cartoonist Sean Delonas:

Hmm.

Now, what comes immediately to mind when you see this? Is it the explanation from Archie Bunker aka Col Allan, NY Post's editor-in-chief:

Or is it what the aforementioned Al Sharpton saw:

Now, citing the fuck-nutty attention-whore Al Sharpton to strengthen a point is something I generally attempt to avoid, because, well, his credibility is slightly less than that of the NY Post itself.

<----Today's edition of the NY Post

But to think anybody of reasonable intelligence (which, obviously rules out any NY Post reader. Too easy, I know. But not ripping FOX News and consumers of FOX News is like putting a fresh piece of bubble wrap in front of me and expecting me to refrain from popping it) would not immediately make the correlation between the dead cartoon chimp and our president is utterly delusional. And that's BEFORE even considering the cartoonist's reputation. Here's a look at some past work:

Considering the paper it was printed in,

I'm going to guess this isn't lampooning the

gay marriage-as-a-gateway-to-bestiality crowd.

Zing! Two men getting married?

Now I've seen EVERYTHING!

But again, what else can be expected from what Chuck D. once called "America's oldest continuously published daily piece of bullshit"?

Hot Sh!t: Plantlife

Hand-picked hotness you need to check out. Or not. You know, like...whatever.

Today's Hot Sh!t: Plantlife - Time Traveller

Selected by: Blaine Fridley

OK, so released last spring, Time Traveller isn't exactly hot off the press… but mainstream press coverage has definitely been lacking since this beautiful electro-funk-hip hop-soul cocktail dropped on the general public in May of '08. Time Traveller is the 2nd full-length effort from  MC Jack Splash and producer Panda One, who hooked up for Plantlife's 2004 debut Return of Jack Splash. Return…   garnered much praise from some pretty big names upon its release: Mos Def, ?uestlove, Viktor Duplaix. You may have heard of them. They're a pretty big deal. 

Well, Time Traveller does nothing to push those much-respected titans of music off the Plantlife bandwagon. Shit, even those insufferable snobs at Pitchfork gave it a 7.9/10 (which, considering the fact that they'd probably give Pet Sounds a "5" had the Internet been around in 1966, is pretty damn good. Tangent: Pitchfork reminds me of some of the rimjobs I worked with during my college radio days. You know, the type that would earnestly claim Pedro the Lion's superiority over Led Zeppelin. I dunno, maybe Bright Eyes sounds better in your mom's basement, but from here it sounds like something that would be used to supplement waterboarding techniques and scrotum electrodes).

So, what's the best way to sum up Time Traveller? Music to feel good by. Whether it's the Quasimoto-tinged title track or the electro-funk jams that simply out-Prince Prince (especially "Love Toy" and "Outta Control," posted below for your aural pleasure), Plantlife lights up your iPod with the kind of unbridaled joy and creativity in short supply these days. 

Love Toy - Plantlife

Outta Control - The Plant Life

This Day in History: 1996

World chess champion Garry Kasparov beats IBM supercomputer "Deep Blue," winning a six-game match in Philadelphia. Most chess experts look to that defeat as the beginning of the end for Deep Blue, who shortly thereafter would be convicted on rape charges. After serving 2 years in an Indiana federal prison, the highly anticipated re-match between the increasingly erratic and self-destructive supercomputer and Kasparov was scheduled for May 2, 1998 at Caesar's Palace. Showing up to the weigh-in with a sizable posse of hangers-on, a new face tattoo and a leashed cheetah, Deep Blue showered reporters with bombastic prognostications, along with threats to eat Kasparov's children. The following day the re-match was called off in the second game after Deep Blue bit off Kasparov's ear.

A year later, Deep Blue was out of the chess world and co-starring in VH1's "The Surreal Life."

Today's Celebrity Birthdays:

44 years ago today, Michael Bay exploded out of his mother's vagina in a birth that was deemed "visually stimulating, but ultimately unsatisfying" by doctors.

Jim Brown, football hall of famer and the baddest motherfucker alive turns 73. Go ahead, test him. He'd still whoop your ass something ferocious.

DoF Newswire: Eye on Current Events

Over 160,000 NASCAR fans managed to snap-

out of their catatonic state brought on by the 

election of a black president just in time to take 

in the 51st running of the Daytona 500.

NASCAR official Buster Auton stumbles for

the right words after being told that he "smells

nice" by honorary Daytona 500 pace car driver

Tom Cruise.

John McCain takes delight in the "feats of negro

athleticism" at the 2009 NBA All-Star Weekend,

calling Slam Dunk champ Nate Robinson's 

performance the most exciting thing he's 

witnessed "since Nat Holman in the 1924 Set Shot

Competition." 

 

Practicality once again rules

the runways of NYC's

Fashion Week.

Hey its getting better...oh wait. Nevermind.

With the inauguration of Barack Obama, this year has already been extremely momentous for the civil rights movement. This being Black History Month, Boston.com reminds us of a touching story from 40 years ago in a city that was torn by a rift of racism.

http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2009/02/12/40_years_worth_of_thanks/

Ahh, that was really moving.

Well leave it to a Minnesota-based grocer to remind us what Black History Month is all about: CHEAP GREENS AND CHICKEN!

This is a real advertisement.
(click for enlarged version)



The DoF wonders why they stopped short of watermelon and grape drink? I mean if you're going to sum up all black people in a one page flyer of food, why not just go for the cycle of stereotyping? It's as if they just stood on second base with the ball still tumbling around the outfield of bigotry.

The DoF Friday Funk: Fat Hed and Edreys

What Do We Need Today? - Fat Hed feat. Motion Man

Get Free - Edreys

...and now for those wanting children.

DoF suggests keeping it to 3 or less. At least at a time.

However, let us suggest if you must have a crazy doctor implant you with 6 embryos at once, after you already have like 4 mentally ill kids, why not try a few gallons of cocoa butter?

And of course, since DoF ran two Nadya stories today, we've officially become part of the problem and not the solution to awful media.

But this way maybe my name change to Stone Gruber will go through.

Joaquin Phoenix is doing....good....

Now really, cherish this folks, you don't normally get to see a star fall out of the sky and into the crazy house right in front of your eyes.

Nadya Suleman, You're A Douche!

by barry metropolis, doucher savant

As if the stretch marks and breast saggage from five previous pregnancies weren't enough of a "blessing," Ms. Suleman felt it necessary to have one final pump to see if any embryos would take to her loose-as-a-goose uterus. The problem is, she already had six children, and she was in for a rude awakening when there were eight more on the way. Get the gist of it with this Dateline followup interview:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

1) It's really annoying when someone uses the "God told me to" or "this is God's plan" excuse. Not only does it weaken the argument's effect if it's used without restraint, but she also appears to have selective hearing when it comes to God's words to her. The woman had three miscarriages before she attempted in vitro fertilization. I guess God must have been prepping her ovaries for bigger things.

2) She seems rather carefree about the whole interview, even laughing at certain parts as if this was some fantastical game. Lady, you might need a good psychoanalysis.

3) My favorite line: "What human in this planet is capable of taking care of 14 independently without support from family, from friends, from church? No human is!" And that's true. Suleman is unemployed and has no source of income for her now 14 children besides the remnants of a disability settlement and food stamps. I have a rough idea of what her children's first words are going to be: "Gimme, gimme, gimme."

Doucher qualities: vagina like sleeve of wizard, unaddressed delusions, selfishness, and Jolie Lip Syndrome

Osama Egg Layden

by Lucy Parker, Ornithological Terrorism Expert

A short time after the miraculous emergency plane landing in the Hudson River I received a phone call from my concerned mother. It was along the lines of this:

Mom: I just saw on Fox News that a plane crashed in the Hudson River
Me: Don't worry mom, it's not terrorists, it was a pack of geese supposedly
Mom: (silence)
Me: Fine, it was terrorist geese from Iraq sent by Al Qaeda
Mom: Funny
Me: Stop watching Fox News

In all fairness, CNN was running the same headline of “Plane Crashes in the Hudson River” on their website. And I’m not sure if this is my general paranoia of flying that developed after 9/11 (for about 75% of a flight I am usually thinking I am going to die in a fiery air ball at 35,000 ft.), or the constant stream of up to the minute news, but my immediate thought was terrorism. I have a sneaking suspicion that a lot of people thought that as well.

While I am an informed citizen of the world, I do limit my news sources, because they all tend to sensationalize stories to draw in viewership. And nothing draws in news viewership like fear. After I had that little convo with my mother this got me thinking as to how Fox News, more specifically Bill O’Reilly, would present the story of the plane crash. This is how it all went down in my head:

O’Reilly: Horror on the Hudson, all 155 passengers and crew members lucky to be alive after an apparent terrorist attack by a pack of renegade geese sent to America by Al Qaeda. Here is an artist’s interpretation of the terrorist suspects.

We’ve heard of the “Western Al Queda” but who knew they were so close to home? Canadian Geese, terrorizing the skies. Who are these Geese from the North? And, why do they hate our freedom?

Tonight we have with us a leading expert on Canadian Geese, Tom Miller. Tom?

Miller: Yes, Bill. It is nice to be here.

O’Reilly: Now Tom, you’ve been researching Canadian Geese for quite some time now. Isn’t that correct?

Miller: Yes, since 1975 actually. Almost 35 years.

O’Reilly: Any insight you could give us on this new edition to the global campaign on terror?

Miller: Certainly. What most people don’t know is that Canadian Geese have been terrorizing the skies of America for quite some time now. Fortunately, we have some tools to combat these cowards.

O’Reilly: What sort of tools are we talking about here?

Miller: It ranges from the basic to the sophisticated, from firing noisemaking projectiles to making wildlife areas they normally inhabit inhospitable to radar.

O’Reilly: Radar? Is this the best we can do? . . . Hold on just one minute Tom, I’m getting news of a video of the terrorist geese. Can we see that video please?

O’Reilly: Not only do they appear to be at some sort of training facility, they appear to be mocking us. This is appalling . . . we’ll be back after this commercial break.