By Reno Gruber
Self-appointed parenting expert
Like most people this weekend, I treated(?) myself to the cinematic styling of Zak (sweet spelling, bro) Snyder's
Watchmen. While I could go on about the greatness or not-so-greatness of the film (which fanboys and girls alike will seriously argue until we ourselves nuke each-other into oblivion,) the actual success of the graphic novel is not the champion we speak of. Neither is the amount of hype surrounding it. Good god the hypemachine was on 'forced-entry' for this one.
This installment is dedicated to a movie review. To be more accurate; dedicated to the writer of the
most incindiary, specious movie review ever written. Well, at least a really fucking dumb one, anyhow.
(if you don't get hyperlinks, or are just generally new to computers, it can also be copied and pasted from here: http://www.debbieschlussel.com/archives/2009/03/the_watchmen_li.html)
Debbie Schlussel (and her ironically amusing website debbieschlussel.com) has taken a stand. Her stand is against this movie, and the first line of her movie review is a subtle hint towards this.
"If you take your kids out to see Watchmen, you're a moron. If you see this movie yourself, you're also probably a moron and a vapid, indecent human being."(DoF loves to point out the irony that she probably saw this movie first to come to such a conclusion, and giggles how well that description probably fits herself.)
I actually agree with the first sentiment. If you do take your children to see this without any prior conversation on what they are about to see, you are kind of a fucking head trauma patient. Not to say that it will "ruin" anybody. For example, my brother is about as level-headed a motherfucker as I've ever met, and my parents accidentally took him to see
Poltergeist when he was about 7. Apparently they didn't really know what it was about, and they just kinda showed up at the theater that day. Oops.
My brother was scared by what he saw, and they learned quickly that before they take any of us children to the movies, do just a bit of research. He wasn't ruined, scared yes. Enough to teach two young parents a little lesson. It was this crazy notion of parenting your children. (It's since been either outlawed or ignored in favor of a social rating system to help asleep-at-the wheel suburbanites take as little responsibility for their own offspring as possible, but it was a good thing for a while.)
While this movie will no doubt send millions out to read the book afterward, most people do not have prior knowledge of either this graphic novel, or creator Alan Moore's catalog of work. If you do a 4 minute search on the net, you will quickly realize this is a grown-up comic. A comic for the kids who grew up on comics now that they have grown up. It is a commentary on the whole notion of comic books. (I'll stop the interpretation there because it's second hand knowledge, ol Knarf Black or Merton Sussex could probably wax nerd about for hours if you asked [ps. don't.])
There are some things that are probably unwise to show a child. Why would you? They wouldn't get it. This movie is an intensely layered study on society both real and illusion. Kids rarely know anything besides their own immediate experience. The whole movie would be lost and it would just be blue dicks and sawed-off arms. So in that I agree with Mrs. Schlussel.
Her point, however, is that the Hollywood machine is directly marketing to small children with action toys. Well, sadly Mrs. Schlussel, those are for adults too. (sorry fellas, you know who.) It's called nostalgia. We all recreate our past in some way. Probably like when you try to shoe-horn yourself into an old dress. It reminds us of a simpler time. It's nothing to be ashamed of. These figures - as far as i'm aware - will be expensive and probably only available at most comic book and novelty shops. A
quick internet search shows you that it's not Target or Wal-Mart selling them, but specialty shops for this segment of the population. If Target does sell them, it would be due to popular demand in time.
As I hate the drivel Hollywood dishes at us, its the conscious decision we make with our wallets that have this effect. It's like blaming the whore for making more money wearing trashy outfits instead of the Jaclyn Smith collection. It's her job to make money. If people are responding to the trashy outfit is that a comment on her, or the market of unsatisfied men who want to fuck a stranger for a small fee?
We're left with this society we've created; you can blame Hollywood, bad parenting, the death of the nuclear family, fear-tactics employed by the government, religion...but ultimately, it's on us. If a kid goes out and watches this movie, then commits an act, do we really think a movie hit a magical switch in his brain?
There is a confluence of events that lead up to the disassociation of society that people like Mrs. Schlussel blame Hollywood for. I hate her just for making me defend a shitty fucking industry like Hollywood.
Are we really so simple to think that one thing leads us to temptation, or that one act will deliver us from evil?
Yes, the movie is fucking violent. It is something that would take too much explanation to a child in my eyes, so one I was responsible for wouldn't see it. But I can promise you that if you're vapid and indecent, it's not because you watch this movie, or saw it as a child. I can even tell you that it's not even because you read Mrs. Schlussel's blog every day, although that would help in time. (Do yourself a favor and read the comments, especially where she goes after her own readers like a rabid pit bull without the ability to actually respond to their points. It's pretty amusing/maddening.)
People (like Debbie,) suck dick. People suck for many reasons. People however usually don't just decide to suck, they have a string of outcomes that leads to their suck-dickedness. Sometimes it's a justified outcome. Sometimes you just get a shitty break and your bleak outlook turns you into a dick. But remember, people suck dick. So there's always that.
You're tellin' me Yahweh spends 20 minutes after all his items have been rung up fumbling for his coupons too? And then spends another 15 minutes squabbling about the receipt and what Kellog's products are or are not eligible for coupon redemption? And then - after manager intervention - relents and takes another 5 minutes to go back to the cereal aisle to pick the correct size of Cracklin' Oat Bran? And then has the audacity to actually write out a check?*
By Knarf Black XIV, Former Exotic Pornologist
This is a piece of software so vile and disturbing that it has made yours truly, a person who saw Irreversible twice, actually agree with the banhappy nanny-staters for once. The player takes control over a creepy-creeper convicted of subway groping (apparently endemic on the crowded cars) who decides to take revenge on his accuser by, you guessed it, raping her entire family. (The ladies at least.)
By Reno Gruber
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