DoF Tshirt of the week

Aaaaand we're officially back. Its been a minute since our last tshirt blow out. The Jobu has actually sold decent so thanks to all those who bought that shirt. As always all of our shirts are available over at our DoF Shop.

This week, available NOW "College: America's Gateway Drug"

Yeah, thats pretty sexy, right. Well if you dig, point your little arrow right here and click.

See ya next week, lovers.

Your headlines for Wednesday, January 27th

Gaming-

Mass Effect 2 Released, meaning dudes you never saw out of the house will somehow leave the house even less. Mountain Dew: Code Red preparing for shortages.

Television-

Katy Perry's boobs replace Paula Abdul and new-chick-that-looks-and-sounds-suspiciously-like-Paula Abdul on American Idol. Katy Perry to appear occasionally.

National-

State of the Union address tonight. So be sure to act like you watch it while you're rightfully angry that it interrupts Modern Family...while you're watching last week's episode of the Real World DC.

Internet Awesome of the Day

In a given week I would guess I spend approximately 60 - 70 hours surfing the internet. Now, while I'm not particularly proud of this figure, you may agree that anyone who spends such in inordinate amount of time foresaking potential career advancement and social interaction for the unholy Lord of the Googles has pretty much seen just about everything there is to see. And until today I'd have been with you. And then I saw this - Too awesome for description

Good luck putting your mind back together.

Stoner Confucius Says...

"If you think in terms of a year, plant a seed; if in terms of ten years, plant trees; if in terms of 100 years, you better have a shitload of replacement grow lights in your closet, because those fuckers love to burn out."

This Day in History

1951
The era of atomic testing in the Nevada desert began. 40 years later, the testing would cease with officials concluding "stuff was blowed up real good."

1977
The Vatican reaffirmed the Roman Catholic Church's ban on female priests, citing the little known 11th commandment, "Bros before hoes".

2006
Western Union delivered its last telegram:
Seriously [stop] You really need to get a computer [stop] They're not as scary or complicated as you'd think [stop] Also, you know those headaches you get [stop] I've found a product called "Advil" which seems to work as good or better than leeches [stop]

Today's Celebrity Birthday

Mike Patton of Faith No More turns 42. The DoF thanks your parents' fertile sperm/egg combo, without which this never would have happened:

Respek.

Your Headlines for Tuesday January 26th

Television-
History Channel announces new program "Day You're Going to Die," highlighting the exact moment regular viewers will die.









Politics-
Barack Obama goes before congress asking for more money. Overheard saying "I just need it, ok? So are you gonna help us out or not? I thought you were cool, man. "

Music-
Simply Red Singer Mick Hucknall denies reports he is the love child of Rocky Dennis and Bilbo Baggins. (we'll keep holdin' on, for updates.)











Tech-
Apple announces designs for new Tablet. Everywhere tech-boners turn into serious cases of nerd-priapism.

.

The Day I Lost My Faith in Humanity: SCOTUS Edition

Non-political-junkies, feel free to tune out. As a matter o' fact, go ahead and click here for something a little more your speed.

As for the rest of you: In case you missed it (which you probably did)...

On January 21st, the United States Supreme Court reached an interesting landmark decision. In the case of Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission, the SCOTUS came to a shocking-to-anyone-with-a-functioning-cerebral-cortex conclusion that can be summed up with a phrase so trite, AC/DC used it for a song title: "Money Talks."

In a slightly more detailed description, the case determined to be legally viable an opinion that even a six-year-old would find fishy: the idea that corporations are basically individuals. Y'know...people, more or less. And that as people, they have the same right to free speech that we're ALL guaranteed under the first Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. So far, so good, right?

"I AM A PERSON. I WILL BE HEARD."

Sure. Until you realize that in the same breath, the SCOTUS also decided that a financial contribution to the political campaign of a specific candidate is a form of legally-protected expression. That is to say, when an individual gives money to someone running for something, that action falls under the auspices of "free speech." Again..."Money Talks."

I'm sure most of you can see where this is going. As for you, Ms. Simpson, Hi! OMG your tits look AWESOME in that shirt! LOL!

ANYway...In essence, this provision has made it perfectly 100% legal for any corporation to donate any amount of money to any political candidate for any reason. Yeah, really. No, I'm serious. Yeah.

The court voted 5-4 in favor of this, with the division breaking down pretty much how you'd expect: any Justice appointed by a right-leaning President was all, "Yeah! Money good!" Whereas any Justice sent to the bench by a lefty pretty much came down on the side of "OH MY GOD NO JESUS CHRIST YOU FUCKING IDIOTS NO DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'RE DOING"

Artist's rendering of the decision.

Suffice it to say, no. They didn't. With their typical short-sighted verve, the Conservative justices saw the possibility of a whole lot of corporations giving a whole lot of money to a whole lot of Republican candidates...because Republicans tend to be more friendly to businesses than their counterparts across the aisle. And by "friendly to businesses," I mean, "happy to take their money, then hit their knees and start sucking, thereby rendering themselves unable to see the company turn around and pollute, cheat on its taxes, and amass absurd, unregulated profits on account'a being blinded by corporate pubes."

Hey, if a corporation can be considered a person, then it can also be considered to have pubes. Just go with me on this one, okay?

In any case, the possible implications of this nasty bit of legal maneuvering are obvious. Any company who more or less literally wants to up and buy themselves a candidate can do so. If a corporation has both the desire and the scratch, they can toss unregulated, unrestricted millions into the campaign coffers of any candidate who will enact legislation that benefits them.

Similarly, if there's a public official who has ALREADY been elected, and he or she is up for re-election, a representative from that company can march on into that official's office and say, "We don't like you. You voted for legislation to preserve wetlands. Wetlands we were going to use to dump our waste products. And now, we have to dump them somewhere else. Somewhere where they charge us an extra half-cent per metric ton we dump, meaning we're paying out $17 million per year extra that we wouldn't have had to, had you not been so in love with the fucking Yellow-Bellied Sap-Sucker and its endangered habitat, or whatever. That's why were giving a few million to your opponent in the upcoming mid-terms. He promised us he'd let us dump our shit anywhere we want. Better start cleaning out your desk, asshole."

So long, Senator. I hear Hardee's is hiring.

And, yes. The idealists among us will still cling to the notion that it's not money, but actual people who head to the polls. And they'd be right. But think about how stupid the average person is. Then think about the fact that statistically speaking, half of everyone is even dumber than THAT.

F'rinstance...There are still people out there who disavow evolution. People who think Saddam Hussein was behind 9/11. People who not only bought Sarah Palin's book, but who also believe she actually WROTE the fucking thing. THESE are the window-licking idiots who are easily-swayed by things like campaign ads. Or flashy buses with American flags emblazoned on them. Or big billboards that paint a given candidate's opponent as a baby-eating adulterer who wants to clean out your wallet, and then use the money to buy a gun to shoot your grandparents in the face. And these are the things that money CAN buy.

So, you see.

But, hey. Far be it for ME to suggest that the Supreme Court just hung a gigantic fucking "BEST OFFER" garage-sale price tag on the front of the White House and the Capitol Building. But the fact remains that whether or not I see it that way, some of our fine country's wealthiest corporate denizens certainly will. And at that point, how long will it be before the Speaker of the Maxwell House® asks the Gentleman from Dell® if he'll yield the rest of his time speaking in support of the "Coca-Cola® is Fucking Awesome H.R. #345" so that the Congresswoman from the Great State of Monsanto™ can offer a dissenting opinion on declaring June 21st "Con-Agra™ Day"?

Hooray for capitalism.

This Day in History

1802
Congress passed an act calling for a library to be established within the U.S. Capitol. Records indicate former Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton was the first to take advantage of this new resource upon its opening, borrowing a volume entitled Duels for Dumeez. Adjusted for inflation, Mr. Hamilton currently owes $36,100,001.37 in overdue charges.

1861
Louisiana seceded from the Union, leaving a young nation without its #1 source of malaria-carrying mosquitoes, syphilitic whores and single-toothed swamp people.

2005
Condoleezza Rice was sworn in as George W. Bush's lapdog Secretary of State.

Today's celebrity birthday:
Andrew Ridgeley aka "The Other Guy From Wham!" turns 47 today [No joke necessary. Man, I do love it when a person's name IS the punchline].

The Best and Worst Things

It seems like life can be boiled down to two things…1) The search for awesome stuff and 2) Avoiding shitty stuff. In this DoF Feature, we do the work for you - offering the Best and Worst Things so you don’t have to get off your pathetic ass to live life and figure it out. You. Are. Welcome.

Today, we present The Best and Worst Places to Panhandle!

BEST!

Bottom of Escalator: Looking for spare change? Don’t wanna get a job? Then dress up in some ripped-up clothes and head downtown to a high-rise office building. Plant your derriere near the bottom of an escalator and all those silver-spoon jackasses won’t be able to resist tossing a couple coins in your bucket. They may be able to drive past you on the freeway entrances, but there’s no way they can look at a “less fortunate soul” in slow motion and not chip in.

In Between the First and Second Drive-Through Window at Fast Food Establishment: Only the most miserable douches can order a delicious grease-pit meal, pay for it, then speed past a super-hungry dude with a sign that says “I just wanna get my Eat On”. I mean, they just got 49 cents in change… no reason not to give it to the shameless turd over there.

End of a Gas Station Car Wash: In the same vein as our Bottom of Escalator spot, the End of the Gas Station Car Wash is a real gem. Getting your car washed is generally a wonderful experience… the car is sparkly-clean, you didn’t pay full price a “real” wash at a full-service place, and there’s no toweling off your sled at the end because of the jet-engine drier. Enter: The Panhandler. People drive really slowly to knock out every bead of moisture before the one-minute drier expires. And they’ll be staring at a dirty, poor-ass dude who just wants to eat.

Like a baker who’s fallen into an industrial-sized bread mixer, you’ll be rolling in dough.

Worst:

Exit to Parking Garage: People are already pissed off they paid $15.75 for three hours of parking, so they’re gunning it out of the garage. Not only will their pocketbooks be closed tighter than the Tin Man’s jaw before Dorothy applies lubrication, they might just take pleasure in your dismemberment. Steer clear.

Right Next to a Street Musician: Nothing makes a slightly overweight chick feel worse than seeing an in-shape sweetie wearing the same outfit. In the same way, begging for spare change within earshot of even a semi-talented bongo drummer is enough to make people hold onto their coin. Because that damned drummer or saxophonist is offering a pleasing tune, and you’re offering passers-by an opportunity to lessen their net worth.

Near My House, You Lazy Bastard: If you ask me for money as I leave home in the morning, I will punch you in the neck, ear and mouth. Your injuries will require surgery.

Next Month: Best and Worst of "What I found in your garbage"

DOF Newswire for Monday January 25th

Tech-
AOL announces it still exists, despite nobody using it since 2003.











Religion-
Pope asks priests to be more 'web savvy,' then winks and and nods before overheard muttering "you know what i'm talkin about, fellas."















Sports-
Serena Williams announced as Tennis's 2009 Man of the Year















Television-
Conan O'Brien wakes up at 11am, shits, goes back to bed. Makes $340,000.

Nut-Punch of the Week, Jan. 18-22, '10

Hey, everyone. It's nice to be back. No, really, it is. Lounging around getting drunk and masturbating, while certainly enjoyable, is nowhere NEAR as fun as blogging. You'll just have to trust me on that one.

Anyway, along with this little blog-wide re-launch of ours comes not just a more robust and consistent posting schedule, but also the dusting-off and streamlining of some forgotten features of the dayz of wayback. Among them: the DoF Nut-Punch, wherein I, your beloved Unca Mert, deliver a very deserving target an extremely swift, decisive, and painful virtual sock to the berries.

Onto this week's very-worthy recipient:

Brett Favre.

Oh, Brett. How tough it must be to be you.

Total disclosure: I'm not even necessarily a sports fan. But that display last night reminded me of the reasons why I'm not.

When Favre un-retired himself yet AGAIN to come and play for Minnesota, it was because he thought he had one last run at the Super Bowl. And for awhile there, it looked like he might be right. His high-risk, high reward style of game play was resulting in far more of the latter than the former coming to pass. Before anyone knew it, there they were playing for the NFC Championship.

And, if I can, I'd like to crawl inside Brett's big, meaty melon for a moment, and take a look at what must have been happening in there towards the end of regulation...

"Huh. Here we are, with seconds left in the fourth. Score's tied. We're 40-some-odd yards out. We win this, we go to The Dance. Doing so would justify the whole reason I came back, not to mention shut up my critics. Ryan Longwell, who I KNOW can make this 3 based on the fact that I played with him for YEARS in Green Bay, is warming up on the sidelines. Peterson could run it another couple of yards and put him into even BETTER position to split the posts. All I have to do is hand it off to him...

...Naaah. I'm gonna put it up. I'm sure everything will be fine."

Of course, we all know what happened. He lofted that baby late and back over the middle, hoping to hit Sidney Rice. Instead, it floated softly into the waiting arms of Tracy Porter. And the entire state of Minnesota wept in unison.

Not shown: the giant purple poop he's currently dropping in his dungarees.

Thing is, Favre really should have known better. Most of us LEARN from our mistakes. But oh, no. Not him. He's above all that, even though last night's debacle was EERILY reminiscent of his last playoff appearance with Green Bay in aught-seven. Packers fans remember it well: It was Packers/Giants. Green Bay was well within boot range, and the score was close enough that a field goal would have won it all. But rather than chew up yardage and time by slipping the ball to his backs before handing it over to special teams for the field goal, Favre's dumb ass decided to up and huck it over the line...and directly to Corey Webster. D'oh.

The end result? Packers fans had a one-two punch of deja vu and schadenfreude last night. To them, it was a double dose of the sort of Instant Karma John Lennon used to wax rhapsodic about.

"I'll thank you to leave me the hell out of this."

And hey...I'm not trying to take anything away from the Saints. Good for them. They've had a hell of a season, and they deserve it. Not to mention that New Orleans really needs the boost in morale right about now. For the Superdome to go from a de facto charnel house to a championship in a couple of years is a huge boon for that town. Plus, they've never been to the Big Game. Not once. And even though it's been awhile for Minnesota, at least they've been able to make the trip a couple of times.

And yes, it's not like the rest of the team were faultless. The offensive line was so full of holes that the wind blowing across it played a B-flat blues scale, and a mischievous cartoon mouse obviously buttered Adrian Peterson's gloves prior to kickoff. But the fact remains that in the final seconds, Favre COULD have made a decision that would have won the whole team the game, putting them into their first Super Bowl in more than three decades. You might say his entire career came down to that play. But instead of rising to the occasion, he got down on his knees, painted his lips up a nice whore crimson, spit in his palm, and blew the whole season.

So, enjoy your jab to the stones, Brett. You've earned it. As for us, we get to "enjoy" a full off-season of "will-he-or-won't-he" speculation regarding your retirement, knowing we can't believe a goddamn word you say either way.

Happy Monday!

Hello, Friends.

A heartfelt, groin-grabbing “thank you” and “welcome back” to the Diary of Fools. We're happy to have you. Please, relax and make yourselves comfortable. Go'head and take your pants off. We're cool with that here.

For you first time visitors of the Diary of Fools, allow me to explain it thusly: an interweb account of all things ridiculous in this exercise of cluelessness we call “life”.

Yes, when it comes down to it, we’re all pretty clueless… just, definitely some more so than others. And it is that certain percentage of the population which the DoF makes our focus and upon which an entire blogosphere was built and continues to thrive today, really.

Why?

Because nothing helps us cope with the cluelessness better than knowing we're not the MOST clueless.

You'll find an abundance of Kim Kardashian posts here for a reason.

OK, bad example. Those posts are labeled under "boobies", "ass that won't quit" and "shameless link baiting" more so than "schadenfreude".

But, whatever, you get the idea.

Whenever a "simple-minded, backwoods jackhole of a human being" encourages racism as the "moral" thing to do, we'll be there.

Whenever a major news outlet touts itself as a trustworthy, vital information source and then follows it up with an in-depth report on cankles, we'll be there.

Whenever a newborn baby is fitted for a toupee, we'll be there.

And as long as Anne Coulter… well, continues to exist, we'll be there… to call her a cunt. (Sorry, ladies. A horrible, ugly word, we know. But when you think of a more applicable usage, please do let us know.)

This is our vow to you, the less clueless DoF reader.

Stop in daily, comment often and share us with the ones you love.

And seriously, go'head and take your pants off.

XOXOXOXO

The DoF Crew.

…aaaaaand we're back! Stop by Monday, the 25th for the DoF Grand Re-Opening!

Sorry Folks! DoF temporarily closed for upkeep and maintenance -- back Jan. '10

"Hello?"

-

-

"Ummm...hello? 'scuse me? sir? Yeah-hi… can I help you with something?"

- - -

"You're here for what?

Fresh content?

Hahaha oooooh, sweety, I'm sorry 'bout that. Nobody told you? Typical. Ya'know, not for nuthin', but the guys that run this place? Total jagoffs. I've got an open sore on my taint with more personality and class than those semi-literate chowderheads. How they've even managed to keep a blog going for this long is beyond me. Anytime I've seen 'em, they're either huffing paint or taking a nap on that bare, soiled mattress over there in the middle of the lobby. Yup, some reeeaaaal dipshits, that's for sure, reeeeeaaal dipshits.

And, honey, if you're here for fresh content, you're gonna be waiting a while. Seems the man-children in charge of this dump have come to the conclusion that the best way to run a successful blog is to move to Thailand and open up a chain of handjob parlors. How they came to that conclusion, I have no idea. I think I'm safe in saying all the paint huffing had something to do with it, though I've heard the government subsidies for start-up handjob businesses in Thailand are pretty generous. Anyway, they told me to tell visitors that their shit stain of a website will be back up and running after the new year and to offer a can of Campbell's cream of mushroom soup as a token of their appreciation for your patience and support…

…

…

… Here.



Fucking freaks."

Keep us bookmarked! We'll be back Jan. '10!

Thanks for your patience,

The DoF Crew

Your Headlines for November 20, 2009

Nation

Bristol Palin Inks Endorsement Deal with "My Bad" Teenage Pregnancy Tests

Supreme Court Rules Black Jack Taco to Be "Explosive for Your Anus", Orders Taco Bell to Include Surgeon General's Warning on Each Wrapper

Tech

Hadron Collider Parts Believed to Be Purchased from Sears

Lifestyle

After Years of Speculation, Red Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot Admits "I'm Gay"

Business

JC Penney to Leave Christmas Stuff Up All Next Year

Sports

Mark Mangino and Andy Reid Actually Made of Fried Cheese