Creationism: An Illustrated Account by Blaine Fridley

"Left Behind"

There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING GAY ABOUT THIS.

I admit...It was sort of sexy when they marketed this thing toward women. But the new "ShakeWeight for Men"? Well, I'm no homophobe, certainly...So more power to 'em, I guess. Rock on with your piston-pumping selves. I just reserve the right to point out that while I have zero problem with it, there's no point in pretending that this thing isn't somehow even gayer than Richard Simmons and Clay Aiken wearing pink feather boas and mesh half-shirts with the nipples cut out while Eiffel-Towering David Geffen on the Astroglide-sponsored float as the Pride parade snakes its way through the Tenderloin in San Francisco on Harvey Milk Day. Not that there's anything WRONG with that.

Or, maybe it's just that every single dude in this video looks like he soaked in a tub full of Crisco for a half hour before getting in front of the camera:



Feel the burn of the "rapid, short and POWERFUL thrusts" gentlemen! If you're not "covered in sweat" by "30-45 seconds into it," you get TRIPLE your money back! You'll find yourself saying, "I haven't had a pump like this for a long time!"

"Don't make eye contact...don't make eye contact...SHIT!"

Note - It apparently also helps if you grimace with the effort of keeping the thing aimed at your face as it pumps away in your tight little fists:

Hot Sh!t: The Slew

Listen.

Enjoy.

Repeat as necessary.

You Stay Classy, Philly

Champions of Society: Dennis "La-Z-Boy" LeRoy

Attempting to make jokes here feels a little like adding my own brush strokes to "Starry Night".

Why mess with a masterpiece?

Man pleads guilty to DWI in motorized La-Z-Boy

by The Associated Press
DULUTH, Minn. October 22, 2009, 09:16 pm ET

A Minnesota man has pleaded guilty to driving his motorized La-Z-Boy chair while drunk. A criminal complaint says 62-year-old Dennis LeRoy Anderson told police he left a bar in the northern Minnesota town of Proctor on his chair after drinking eight or nine beers.

Prosecutors say Anderson's blood alcohol content was 0.29, more than three times the legal limit, when he crashed into a parked vehicle in August 2008. He was not seriously injured.

Police said the chair was powered by a converted lawnmower and had a stereo and cup holders.

Sixth Judicial District Judge Heather Sweetland stayed 180 days of jail time Monday and ordered two years of probation for Anderson. His attorney, David Keegan, did not immediately return a call for comment.

(Above) Both Louvre-worthy.

Close, but missing 8lbs of human pushed out an orifice

Diary of Fools is about to get Mommified, most likely to the utter horror of the other contributors. (HAHA!) But, I can't help but share this ridonkulously awesome video. Some brave (mentally unstable?) Aussie doctor decided he should figure out if men could handle the pain of childbirth.



To almost no mother's surprise, he cannot. And it's laughable that he only makes it, what, 2 hours? And that's with the aid of laughing gas - which, WTF? Laughing gas?? I mean, that's kind of like putting a band-aid on amputated arm. The smirk on the woman's face when Dr. Manpussy decides to give up is worth the entire 10 minute watch alone.

Dude should've totally taken that Al-Qaeda internship.

On Wednesday, authorities arrested 27-year-old Tarek Mehanna at his momma's house in an upscale Boston suburb.

According to the AP story, it seems Tarek had been conspiring to kill two prominent U.S. politicians and carry out a holy war by attacking shoppers in U.S. malls and American troops in Iraq.

Tarek's plans to participate in "violent jihad against American interests" (as opposed to "cuddly jihad against American interests") were derailed when he and his two co-terrorists were unable to obtain the requisite automatic weapons (Really? Couldn't find an automatic weapon? This is America, duder. Just ask any 14-year-old and they'll have an AK for you by noon).

Additionally, the AP story reported, other factors colluded to extinguish their jihadist flame - including the inability to catch on with a respected terrorist organization.

In fact, one of Tarek's jihad buddies, a man by the name of Ahmad Abousamra, was turned down by the Taliban for lack of experience.

Well...shit, man. How's somebody supposed to get terrorism experience if nobody is willing to give him a shot at gaining said terrorism experience?

And why call the position "Entry Level Insurgent" on your monster.com listing if you need prior experience? Sheesh.

Any recent college grad can feel his pain.

DoF Shirt of the Week

The thing about polo shirts we like: Comfortable, easy, don't have to be ironed often, soaks up spilled beer nicely, considered 'dressing up' to most women.

The things we hate about polo shirts: We don't fucking play polo. Sure the Le Tigre is cute, but we're not Bjorn fucking Borg.

We at the Diary of Fools know this pain well, and we aim to fix it.

We present the NES controller shirt. Yeah, that bitch is embroidered.

So next time you feel like 'dressing up' we got you covered.

CLICK HERE TO SEE MORE

Your Feel-Good Video of the Day

BEST. BIRTHDAY. EVER.

Things I Wish Were Jokes

Watch this video:

Are you fucking kidding me? This has to be a joke, right? I couldn't just have just watched a multicultural menagerie of attractive actors pleading me to spy on my neighbors, could I?

My favorites are the orange haired lady and the tiny blonde whose enormous, owl-like eyeballs might at any moment escape the restrictive confines of her undersized skull to strike out on their own modeling colored contact lenses.

"Have fun avoiding socket infections, Blondie. Me and Left-Eye are starting a web series, and we're gonna be famous. Bitch"

Creationism: An Illustrated Account by Blaine Fridley

Jesus and the DinoWars

Today in penis-confusing news

I'm just getting wind that the the Twitter-verse is all twitter-pated over something Meghan McCain did. Y'know...Meghan McCain? Daughter of Senator John McCain, the senior Senator from the great state of Arizona and failed GOP Presidential nominee? She's a Conservative blogger for The Daily Beast? Try to keep up, hombre. Here's a visual aid, in case your cerebellum needs a goose:


Anyway, looks like Conservatives are peeing fire because Megz up and posted a picture of herself on her account. I mean, yeah...that kind of shit happens all the time on the internet. So much so that if you look up "narcissism" in the latest edition of Oxford's Unabridged, it just says, "See: FACEBOOK." But Meghan's crime was doing so while being all hot and Republican at the same time. And that doesn't fly with the "base." Of course, the "base" is largely made up of a bunch of old white dudes who can't look at a picture of Ann Coulter without excusing themselves to go quietly masturbate in abject shame, so whatever.

I'm curious, so I'm thinking I'll fire up the Googelz and see what all of the fuss is about. How bad can it be, really?

Let's see here...

Oh. Oh, MY.


Sweet, sneaky Jesus in a chicken basket.

Oh-kaaay...Straight off the bat, I can see TWO big reasons why they might be spazzing out a little about this. For one, she's reading an Andy Warhol book, and it's a known fact that Warhol was a baby-eating, kitten-raping, pedophile gay Socialist arugula-farmer. Second, headbands are SO 1996. Oh, and I guess they might also be slightly put out by the fact that she's rocking some pretty eye-poppingly spectacular sweater-meat, there.

Then, following the sort of near-instantaneous backlash that was impossible before Saint Timothy of Berners-Lee blessed us with the sacred gift of HTML, Meggie-pie Tweeted this:

"So I took a fun picture not thinking anything about what I was wearing but apparently anything other than a pantsuit I am a slut."

As much as I HATE agreeing with anything an admitted Republican says, she has a point. As she's also since said on her blog after this whole thing exploded, "...It's not like I was caught making a sex tape. I certainly didn't pose nude for Playboy. And I hadn't even exposed a nipple," which also happens to be true, sadly. Oh, and for readers born after 1984, who don't know what "Playboy" is? Ask your dad.

If nothing else, the dust-up here ought to illustrate to everyone just how fucking puritanical this country is, and the Right Wing of it in particular. Meghan McCain (despite the fact that her mother looks like one of Madame Tussaud's less successful likenesses come to "life") is an attractive young woman. And she's not showing any more skin in that shot than any garden-variety chick her age exposes to the air on any given weekend tavern excursion. But she's being held to a different standard because of the fact that she identifies with the party of religious oppression, anti-choice legislation, and other varieties of backward thinking. Y'know...the same sort of "traditional American values" that made voters give her dad the gas face.

However, to her credit, in addressing the weirdo repressed sex-negative brouhaha over this mini-mess, Meg's remained staunchly unapologetic. Her blog also says, "To be honest, I don't feel that I have anything to feel ashamed of. I've always embraced my curves and will continue to do so."

Hey, rock on, Leggo-my-Meggo! You parade them puppies! Besides, I'm willing to bet that even though there are plenty of schmucks who'd ding you for it, they'd kill for a shot to "embrace your curves," too. You'll know which ones they are. They're the white-knight types who actually tried to get away with chiming in on the picture's comments thread in order to attempt to un-ironically tell you just how very beautiful your eyes are.

And I mean, yeah...They ARE. But...DAMN.
Nice pillows, by the way.

RIP Captain Lou

Whether you know him as a boisterous professional wrestler or as the creepy live action Mario, you should be sad now because he's dead.

Here he is sneaking Tabasco into Rowdy Roddy Piper's spaghetti:

And some Mario action:

Christians are WACKY.

So, yeah. Apparently, THIS exists.



Survey time!

I blame this hilariously cock-shaped cookie cutter on:

A clueless Christian dolt who genuinely had no idea

A subversive designer making a statement about religiously indoctrinating kids using cartoons

I don't know, but I need one of these for a bachelorette party

I'm not sure why, but Obama

Ha ha ha ha! PENIS!

Hot Sh!t: So awesome, it actually HURTS.

If you've never bought anything from ThinkGeek.com, excuse me for a moment while I narrow my eyes at you, and regard you with vague suspicion. If you've never even BEEN to ThinkGeek.com, you are so far off my buddy list that it's like you never even fucking existed in the FIRST place.

ThinkGeek is a nerd paradise of super-dorky gadgety shit. And there's so much of it that after just minutes of browsing, anyone who's even dimly aware of the concept of "the internet" will undoubtedly find something there that makes them squeal like a 13-year-old girl who just saw that sparkly vampire movie douchebag hanging around outside the Abercrombie and Fitch. Want some freeze-dried astronaut ice cream? There it is. A pen that's a video spycam? You've come to the right place. An electric t-shirt that has a built-in wi-fi "hot spot" detector? Motherfucker, ThinkGeek will hook. Your. Azz. UP.

Of course you don't need Laser-Guided Scissors. But now, you know that
they exist, and you WON'T BE ABLE TO LIVE WITHOUT THEM. You're welcome.

But recently, they've outdone themselves.

Last April Fool's Day, ThinkGeek featured a gag product. They figured geeks, being smarter than the average bear, would look at a calendar and realize that their collective leg was being pulled. However, they failed to take into account the sheer overwhelming power of raw nerd lust. Within minutes of this very-not-real item showing up on the website, several thousand very-ACTUALLY-real "orders" started pouring in by the bucketload. By mid-afternoon, ThinkGeek had created a phenomenon...and a gigantic P.R. problem. Hell hath no fury like thousands of disappointed nerds with internet access.

The fact was, ThinkGeek had come up with an idea for a product so panty-dampeningly awesome that they should have expected the demand. Problem being, the item in question would be near-motherfucking-impossible to actually produce. Not impossible within the laws of time and space, mind you, but almost. No, what made it damn-near impossible was something typically even LESS flexible than physics: licensing, trademark, and rights issues.

But then something deeply fucking awesome happened.

The actual legal holder of the trademarks it would have been necessary for ThinkGeek to have licensed in order to produce the item caught wind of the kerfuffle. And, lo and behold, they thought this thing was just as pants-shittingly fantastic as the whole rest of the Nerdrosphere. So, phone calls were made. Details were ironed out. And when the dust settled, the item that had started out as a gag and that had inspired thousands of orders was now an actual goddamned thing you could legitimately buy, bring home, and weep hot tears of dweeb joy over.

This is one of the rarest of beasts in all of creation: not just a "win-win," but a triple play - a "win-win-WIN." ThinkGeek was happy. The owner of the trademark was happy. And the nerds? Some of them experienced their first orgasms NOT involving elf porn.

Enough dancing around. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: The Tauntaun Sleeping Bag.

So. Much. Mother. Fucking. WIN.

Yes, the lining has a print which resembles intestines. Yes, the fluffy, lovable head doubles as a pillow. And yes, the zipper pull, which allows you to get inside and experience the life-affirming warmth therein, is a tiny replica of Luke's lightsaber...So you can pretend like you're Han Solo, slicing the sucker open as you kneel upon the perma-frozen tundra of Hoth. SQUEEE!!!

Y'know, I'm not even the world's biggest Star Wars fan, but I am a carbon-based life-form. And Star Wars is like the fucking Beatles...a pop-culture touchstone so universal that even people who claim to hate it at least admit a grudging respect. Suffice it to say, I want THREE of these.

Only in the age of the internet could something like this happen. ThinkGeek cooked this thing up as a gag, and duped up a sample. Nerds everywhere filled streams and rivers with spontaneous genital fluid. And LucasFilm was all like, "Hey, fuck the lawsuit, we want one of those, too. Let's do this." Big ups to them. That exhibits a level of cool that ALMOST makes up for retcon-pasting Hayden Christensen into the ghost trio at the end of the special edition of "Jedi."

(You're still on the hook for Jar Jar though, George. And yes, I'm well aware of the Yoda Backpack. That settles us up on Li'l Vader screaming "YA-HOO!" in "Phantom Menace", but you still have a lot to answer for, you fucking bearded bastard.)


For added fun, say, "And I thought they smelled bad...on the OUTSIDE!" every single time you take this thing away from your kid and huck it into the washing machine. See how long it takes him to start rolling his eyes and mouthing it along with you.