by Blaine Fridley, Editor-in-Chief/Unlicensed Pediatrist
You know that thing people call "country music" these days?
It's not breaking news to say it has actually no connection to country music. "Contemporary country music fan," as we all know, is actually just a euphemism for "honky poopstain." It also means you lack taste and the 25 IQ points it would take to put you on the same intellectual footing as pudding. Explained further, the target market for this consists of 100% contemporary country music fans.
Brad Paisley? Ugh. Please don't insult pudding's intelligence.
As you may unfortunately know, there's a whole cable network dedicated to this, um, "musical" category - CMT. Every year, the CMT execs (or "mistakes" as God likes to call them) even hold an award ceremony to honor the Toby Keiths of the world for their (whatever the polar opposite of contribution is) to the music world - the CMT Music Awards.
Just think "MTV Music Awards", only worse.
Wait.
On second thought, don't.
I just did and I died a little inside.
Anyway, it's a horrible fucking ordeal that results in shit like this:
Hint: You can tell it's "country" because someone is pretending to play a fiddle in the background.
Actually, there's nothing countrified about this. AT ALL. In fact, Taylor Swift's appearance turns an undeniable 80s anthem into a terribly awkward karaoke performance with old balls Joe Elliot singing about wanting a girl to put it on him while a 19 year old girl sings along and attempts (and fails like only a spazzy teenager can) to "dance sexy."
I am reminded immediately of this:
True, Joe Elliot and Taylor Swift aren't related… (Softball lobbed into wheelhouse)… but it's not like that would matter to the CMT audience. (WHAMMY!)
In closing, I'd just like to ask the corpse of Johnny Cash what, exactly, is it going to take to get you to come back from the grave and shoot them all… just to watch them die?
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6 comments:
This is enlightening. When a wispy, insignificant nothing like Taylor Swift tries to hang with an ACTUAL band, it does nothing but underscore just how very much she was NOT signed to a major label for her "musical ability."
I mean, c'mon. It's DEF FUCKING LEPPARD. There's nothing WRONG with them, per se...I even like a lot of their older stuff just fine. But they're pretty inoffensively middle-of-the-road, if we're really being honest. Most people won't change the station when "Hysteria" comes on...and they may even absent-mindedly sing along to the choruses. But despite the little suck-up the MC did in the intro of that video, they're nobody's FAVORITE band. Especially not in 2009. They just sort of...exist. So when she sounds EXACTLY like shit next to a band like that, who really pretty much hangs out at "solidly average"? It really puts a pretty fine point on just what a paragon of suck she truly is.
It's sad, really. Sure, she's ludicrously adorable. She's like a chipmunk with false eyelashes. But every time I walk in the room and can't change the channel fast enough from whatever talk show she's "performing" on, I can't help but notice that she has worse pitch than José Lima. Plus, her guitar is so encrusted with cheap, glued-on rhinestones that I'd be surprised if the soundboard could resonate so much as a micro-meter. Yet there she is on stage, stomping around in her big, stupid boots like she's totally rocking out and kicking ass. I mean, someone should really take her aside and tell her that she's horrible. Because it's clear that she has no idea.
In short...Rick Allen has more talent in his left arm than a dozen Taylor Swifts could ever hope to have in their cumulative life.
I once saw Miley Cirus and Taylor Swift playing a song together.
More amazingly, I didn't kill myself.
Did anyone see the Dixie Chicks documentary on Netflix? To think, an entire demographic could hold beliefs so cherished and yet so very fragile under any possible scrutiny. In most musical traditions a slight display of disconformity is accepted, perhaps even expected.
If you don't toe the line in country, expect to be in the gutter by sunup.
YOU ALL HAYYYYTE AMURRRICA!
Hey, Blaine, what's pediatrist
pe·di·a·trist \ˌpē-dē-ˈa-trist, pē-ˈdī-ə-\
Function:
noun
Date:
circa 1903
: a specialist in pediatrics
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