Seasons Greetings!

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Stoner Confucius says...

Crime Beat

Police sketch reveals 85% of young African-American males were in involved in recent mugging.

Male model impregnates Halle Berry, anxiously awaits tangible proof that he had sex with Halle Berry

By Blaine Fridley

For years, Gabriel Aubrey begged anyone who would listen to believe him. But for the male population of planet Earth, his words seemed to be a proclamation of the impossible – consensual genital to genital contact with Halle Berry.

Sure, the 32-year old male model has had his fair share of sexual encounters with beautiful women, but to claim intimate relations with Halle Berry seemed to be a grossly absurd cry for attention.

Even though the painfully attractive Berry has been seen and photographed with various “boyfriends” over the years, the scientific community has long held the belief that even the very sight of a naked Halle Berry would cause a human male’s crotch to violently explode. This theory was backed up in 1994 when the crotches of 4 lab rats spontaneously combusted after viewing sketches of what scientists thought an unclothed Berry would look like.

Additionally, in 2001, over 1,800 men were hospitalized after their crotches exploded while viewing Berry’s topless scene in the movie Swordfish.

“It’s completely unbelievable,” said biologist James Ralpheson. “His is truly an accomplishment to be celebrated and remembered,” he continued before adding, “That lucky son of a bitch.”

Aubrey, who confessed to keeping his eyes closed and picturing a naked Michael Moore in order to "keep his shit together" during intercourse with Berry, echoed the enthusiasm of the scientific community, calling it “the greatest achievement of my life…and not to be cocky or anything, but it’s quite possibly the greatest achievement of mankind. No matter what happens between Halle and myself, whenever anybody looks at this kid, it’ll be a living reminder that I had sex with Halle Berry. Eat that, Tyrese.”

Diary of Fools' Everyday Inspiration

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Diary of Fools Sponsored by:

An announcment from the Diary of Fools Chief Editor, Blaine Fridley

After a short hiatus, the Diary of Fools is back and better than ever! So what exactly makes the new DOF "better than ever"? Upskirt shots, my friend. Lots and lots of celebrity upskirt shots. Besides relying on us for our unbeatable and witty brand of commentary, the DOF looks forward to becoming your uncontested source for Tinseltown beaver on all of the Interweb! That's right! From LiLo (click photo) to Serena Williams(click photo) ... we've got something for everyone! So enjoy the NEW and IMPROVED Diary of Fools ... and be sure to check out classic DOF entries like our College Graduation Guide (Chapters 1 and 2) and much more!

Thank you,

Blaine Fridley, Chief Editor, Diary of Fools

News Break

Bush on Iraq:
"I'm clearly overcompensating"

Getty Images
(Above)
President Bush discusses the real reason he went into Iraq.
Most guys would just buy a Camaro.

RIP JB

James Brown 1933-2006

Nobody will ever look this good in a unitard and suit jacket ever again.

Holo-what? Never heard of it.

"It's not a lie, if you believe it."
- George Costanza


Several weeks ago, when loony-as-batshit Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (which is his official title in this blog from now on)decided to hold a conference dedicated to exposing the Holocaust as a lie, he took the Costanza Paradigm of Truth to a level of punch-yourself-in-the-face ridiculousness the world has not seen since our own loony-as-batshit President Bush arrived on an aircraft carrier in an aviation suit with socks stuffed in the crotch and proclaimed "mission accomplished."

The conference, which I assume was held in the lovely Ayatollah Khomeini room at the Tehran Ramada Hotel and Conference Center, aimed to discredit countless personal survival stories, photographic documentation, and research centers filled to the brim with indisputable evidence that the Holocaust did indeed happen, and that it was one of the greatest tragedies in the pantheon of human existence.

Knowing that his conference may lack legitimacy in light of such staggering, undeniable, and unequivocal proof, he invited ex-KKK leader David Duke for extra credibility.

Well, for two days an elite group of Muslim extremists, scholars**, and Imperial Wizards of the KKK made their case against the Holocaust. They had PowerPoint presentations. And 6-foot party subs for lunch. It was very impressive. Needless to say, it was also very convincing. After this eye-opening conference, I think we can all agree that Anne Frank was just kind of a morbid kid with an amazing grasp of first-person narrative.

**Drunk hobos

Inspired by loony-as-batshit Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinjed's ability to turn historical fact into a myth simply by declaring it as such, I have decided to take this time to publicly deny several items long accepted (or proven) to be the truth.

Myth #1) Major Leauge 2 --
Major League is one of the finest sports movies ever made. Major League 2 is not. Mainly because it never happened. There also exists a certain group of depraved lunatics who claim to have seen a Major League 3 starring Scott Bakula (aka Dr. Samuel Beckett from Quantum Leap) in the lead role. Sick fucks.->
(left)Phony poster from non-existent film.






Myth #2) Van Halen made albums after 1984. The malicious rumors of a post-Roth Van Halen actually parallel the rumors of Major League sequels somewhat. After lead singer David Lee Roth left Van Halen (and the group consequently disbanded), tales of a Van Halen sequel emerged. The second incarnation of Van Halen allegedly starred all the original performers, except for the role of Roth, which apparently was now played by some fat guy dressed like a homeless person who mugged a tourist for their luggage-->> This plays out much like Major Leauge II, which also allegedly starred the original cast, but replaced a lead character played by Wesley Snipes with Omar Epps and figured no one would notice. To expand on the Van Halen/Major Leauge parallel, an even more horrific rumor was started that a Van Halen III was formed, this time starring the former lead singer of Extreme, Gary Cherone, who could aptly be described as the Scott Bakula of rock.

<<------ The last Van Halen album ever made

Does anybody honestly believe that Van Halen could go from this to this?
Of course not, because it never happened.



Myth #3) I was a virgin until I was almost 20 yrs old. False. Despite the lack of women willing to admit they had sex with me before 1999 (or after that for that matter), I, in fact, lost my virginity to this woman-->> , at the age of 13.

Myth #4) I once insulted the intelligence of what few pity-filled souls read this blog by making a lazy Michael Jackson child molestation joke and acting like it was fresh material. Why would I do that? If you wanted stale and dull topical humor, you would just watch Jay Leno.

(Above)Jay Leno extends
his record-setting streak
of 5,475 consecutive
humorless monologues.

and finally...

Myth #5) Hootie and the Blowfish sold more copies of Cracked Rear View than the Beatles did with Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band... oh, snap. That one's actually true.

Diary of Fools Online College Graduation Guide: Chapter Two, Part One - Internships and Resumes

In the previous installments of the Diary of Fools Online College Graduation Guide, you read a compelling argument against graduation along with tips for coping with a move back to your parent’s house.

In this chapter, you will learn how to impress prospective employers with a resume built on a strong foundation of education, experience, half-truths and outright lies.

The first mistake many recent college graduates make is assuming their college degree entitles them to any job of their choosing. Take a moment to review your diploma. If it looks like this, that may be true. If it looks like this, not so much.

There was a time when a diploma from just about any college did guarantee you a better job, but that was before every knuckle-head started going to college and earning degrees for things like creative writing and hotel management.

Because of this influx of college-educated job seekers, employers can now pick and choose who they want to hire, making it harder for new grads to find a job in the career of their choice. Fact is, 4 out of 10 Taco Bell employees are now college educated, working their student loans off one chalupa at a time.

Broadcast Journalism major,
East Chattanooga State, class of '99

However, recent grads can compensate for the over-saturation of diplomas in the job market by adding relevant job experience to their degree. The problem, of course, is that most new graduates have little or no relevant job experience to put on a resume. Although your diploma may say “Bachelors Degree in Political Science”, your work history says “15 hours a week at Jamba Juice.” Clearly, something must be done.

One way to gain resume-building job experience in your field of interest is by applying for an internship. Internships are unpaid, entry-level positions that help young, aspiring professionals see what life is like without dignity. Want to become an architect? An internship at an architectural design firm will provide you with priceless “hands-on” knowledge that no classroom could possibly teach you - things like, what kind of coffee architects drink, where architects take their dry-cleaning, and how to staple and collate documents on the very same Xerox that architects use!


[Fun Fact: Did you know that before the Emancipation Proclamation, internships were known as “slavery”?]

Ideally, internships should be done while still in school for college credit. However, a growing number of adults looking for a career change and recent college graduates with shitty guidance counselors have also been applying for internships in order to expand their relevant work experience.

When pursuing an internship, it is important to note that many companies do not advertise internship opportunities, and it will be up to you to develop an internship of your own within the organization of your choosing. The first step to accomplishing this is by creating what’s called an “exploratory letter” – a statement highlighting career goals, education, and your mastery of the form letter.

Example

What you write:

Dear Ms. Gomez:

I am interested in a temporary position as a chemical technician in your metallurgy laboratory. On my enclosed resume you will note that I have finished two years as a chemistry major at Midwestern University, have completed analytical chemistry, and have worked the past two summers in an industrial chemical laboratory. My strong interest in metallurgy, combined with my courses and my laboratory experience, provide me with the background to make a worthwhile contribution as a chemical technician in your organization.

I would like to make an appointment with you so that we might explore the ways in which an internship would allow me to make a contribution to your company. As your employee, I would also be able to increase my skill with laboratory equipment used in metallurgy. I will telephone you within two weeks to arrange for an interview at a mutually convenient time.

Thank you for your consideration. If you need additional information, please contact me at (513) 555-2431.

Very truly yours,
Harry Walker

What they read:

Dear Ms. Gomez:

Me work for free.

Sincerely,

Sucker McNoPay


With luck, your exploratory letter will result in a face to face meeting. Don’t fuck it up.

Once you found the internship you were hoping for, it is important to conduct yourself as though it were your job. You should arrive for your first day early, dressed nicely, and with a Dilbert flip calendar for your desk. If you can’t find a Dilbert calender, a poster that says some stupid shit like "A problem is just another opportunity to succeed" with a picture of a guy hand-gliding over the Grand Canyon will do.

In any internship it is important to remember that while you are not getting paid with money, you are being compensated with priceless “relevant experience*”. Many experts advise catologing this experience with a journal of your day to day activities:

* “Relevant experience” can not be redeemed for food or rent. It does, however, entitle you to a travel coffee mug with your company’s logo on it. Nice.




MegaCorp Internship Diary, Day 34

9am – Arrived to work, reported to boss. Boss not in yet. Went to cubicle, updated Myspace account.

10:33am – Boss still not in. Ask others in the department if there is anything I can do for them. Offer met with cold silence, except for Bruce the sales guy who calls me a queer, but makes it sound like he’s coughing. Others laugh.

10:30 pm -11:30am – Triple my previous high score in Snood.

11:45am – Boss arrives looking disheveled and unnerved. Runs to office, closes blinds.

12:00 pm – Boss frantically approaches me with “very important project” involving GPS, a shovel, and an unresponsive hooker in the trunk of his Acura. Also needs me to pick up business cards from Kinko’s.

3:00pm – returned from desolate wetland/Kinko’s.

3:00 pm – 4:00 pm – updated Myspace account

4:00pm – 5:00pm – cake party for Bruce the sales guy's birthday. Everyone is forced to say something about Bruce. I come up with something about how great of a mentor he is. Bruce responds by saying how nice it’s been having somebody here to hold his cock when going to the bathroom. Others laugh. I hate Bruce.

Once you've completed your internship, it's important to remember that your experience doesn't become "relevant experience" until you lie about it on your resume. In the second part of this chapter, we will show you how to transform your three months as the office fluffer into an eye-catching array of bullet-points, embellishments, and power verbs.

Stat of the Day

From the Diary of Fools Department of Completely Unsurprising Statistics...

A survey of British psychologists says 53% of hip-hop fans say they've committed a crime, compared with 18% of fans of musicals.
- Discover magazine


The Diary of Fools says fair enough,
but shouldn't being a fan of this be
considered a crime on some level?

A Mesage From the Editor

Diary of Fools will be on a temporary hiatus while I'm on vacation [in rehab]. New material wil be posted when I return [am released] the weekend of 11/13. ---Blaine Fridley

News Quiz

U.S. Senator Rick Santorum (R - PA) was at the Mayfield Diner in Philadelphia to:
A) introduce himself to the voting public
B) explain why he'd make a better senator than Democratic challenger Bob Casey, Jr
C) ask this man if he could take a shit on his pancakes


Nothing I wrote about Rick Santorum would ever be able to capture my disgust as effectively as the look on this man's face while losing his appetite at the very sight of him. Priceless.

Learn more about how you can incorporate Santorum into your everyday lexicon at www.spreadingsantorum.com .

What would Jesus do?

I think if there’s one thing we can all take away from the teachings of Jesus Christ, it’s that the best place to spread intolerance and hatred is at the funeral of Amish children:

Anti-Gay Kansas Church Cancels Protests at Funerals for Slain Amish Girls
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
By Sara Bonisteel
FOX News

The controversial anti-homosexual Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kan., has canceled its plans to stage a protest at the funerals of the five Amish girls executed in their Pennsylvania school, a church official said Wednesday.

Shirley Phelps-Roper, the daughter of church's pastor, told FOXNews.com the group canceled the protests in exchange for an hour of radio time Thursday on syndicated talk-show host Mike Gallagher's radio program.

"We're not going to any of the Amish funerals — that's the agreement we're making — that we won't go to any of them," Phelps-Roper told FOXNews.com.

On Tuesday, the church posted a flyer touting the demonstrations in response to the attendance of Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell, who has spoken out against the church publicly. Both Amish and non-Amish residents of Lancaster County — where the shooting took place — have vowed to not allow any protesters anywhere near the funeral services; Rendell called the church members "insane."

Phelps-Roper, daughter of Rev. Fred Phelps, said the church had planned to cancel the protests if given media time on radio and television as a platform to espouse Westboro's beliefs.
Gallagher said that church officials would have to sign a document making them liable for the airtime if they broke their promise not to demonstrate.

"It's awful for me to give up an hour of my radio show ... but I think it’s worth the sacrifice to keep them away," Gallagher said.

But she defended the church's initial decision to protest at the Amish girls' funerals.

"Those Amish people, everyone is sitting around talking about those poor little girls — blah, blah, blah — they brought the wrath upon themselves," Phelps-Roper said, adding that the Amish "don't serve God, they serve themselves."

On Monday, Charles Carl Roberts IV killed five girls — Naomi Rose Ebersole, 7; Anna Mae Stoltzfus, 12; Marian Fisher, 13; Mary Liz Miller, 8; and her sister Lena Miller, 7 — in a rural Amish schoolhouse in Lancaster County, Pa.

Donald Kraybill, a professor of sociology at Elizabethtown College in Lancaster County, Pa., calls the church's plans a publicity stunt.

"I don't think there's any connection between the Amish incident and their agenda. They just want to get in the spotlight," Kraybill said. "It's giving them national attention and it's a cheap and easy and really terrible way to gain some visibility."

The church's latest flyer, posted on its Web site notes these protests will be against Rendell for "slanderous" statements against the church.

Westboro's latest rhetoric is in line with the other beliefs of it's 70 church members, who hold that the deaths of U.S. troops are God's punishment for America's tolerance of homosexuality.

The Westboro Baptist Church has made its name demonstrating at the funerals of soldiers killed in the Iraq war. Their controversial and colorful placards proclaim their anti-gay stance with slogans such as "Thank God for Dead Soldiers," "America Is Doomed" and "Soldier Fag in Hell."

Before it garnered national attention, the church made its name around Kansas, where 16 years ago, it started protested the funerals of AIDS victims. And while their demonstrations of late have focused on the funerals of U.S. soldiers, Westboro church members have taken their picket signs to the memorials for the 12 Sago miners who perished in January in West Virginia.

Conservative radio host Mike Gallagher negotiating with the church may have been considered a heroic thing if I wasn't convinced that this guy is actually a member of Westboro Baptist -

Mike Gallagher