Welcome to the Diary of Fools Online College Graduation Guide!

Graduating from college can be a trying ordeal (i.e. soul-crushing disaster). And while there seems to be an abundance of advice for high school graduates and new college students, college grads are often ignored. That's why the Diary of Fools is happy to present our ongoing Online College Graduation Guide. Our writing team of embittered college graduates will guide you through everything from moving back in with your parents, to dealing with a useless major and coping with the indignities of entry-level positions.

The Diary of Fools Online College Graduation Guide - Introduction: A Commencement Day Speech to my Alma Mater by Blaine Fridley

Ladies and Gentlemen, faculty and staff, graduates of St Cloud State University. It is truly an honor and a pleasure to be back at the same venerable, state-run institution that provided me with so many incredible memories and learning experiences. In fact, I don’t believe it would be an overstatement to say that this school played a large part in making me what I am today. It was this school that let me stand on my own two feet and live independently for the first time. It was this school that taught me how to think critically and study the world around me. And it was this school that provided me with the opportunity to witness the glory of three girls making out at the same time. I think it’s safe to say that without my bachelor’s degree from St Cloud State University, I most likely would be struggling to survive, living life well below the poverty line instead of barely hovering above it, one dentist bill away from government cheese.

4 ½ to 7 years ago, you all arrived on this campus for many different reasons. Some of you may be the first generation to graduate in your family, your diploma symbolizing the culmination of a dream your parents envisioned for you before you were even born. For others, college offered the perfect opportunity to experiment with enormous amounts of drugs, alcohol and sex under the guise of pursuing a degree in 19th century Russian literature. Some of you even came to this university to become gym teachers, and for some unFUCKINGbelievable reason they made you spend thousands of dollars for a degree in scooter-soccer.

No matter how you got here, however, you now stand on the brink of true responsibility and adulthood, known by many as the real world. Ideally, your time at this university prepared you with the knowledge and tools you’ll need to become a success in the real world. More than likely, though, your time here has taught you 3 chords on the guitar, how to execute a keg stand, and if the captain of the girl’s rugby team is the only woman left in the bar at closing time, how many whiskey Cokes it takes to convince yourself that she doesn’t have a penis. In college, these skills will carry you to inspiring heights. In the real world, those same skills translate to middle management and a previously-owned Dodge Neon.

You see, passing into the real world involves sacrifice, with very little, or in many cases, no payoff. Most things that you hold dear in college life will not be able to pass with you into the real world. Bar skanks dancing on table tops? Binge drinking on a Tuesday night? Expect to trade those in for Barb from Accounts Payable and AA Meetings. Your closet will become inexplicably filled with Hagar Wrinkle-Free Slacks and golf shirts, while your idealism will soon be replaced with job insecurity. Thursday afternoons of big bong rips and Nintendo will become a thing of the past, your days now consumed with team-building seminars and office cake parties. Graduates of St Cloud State University, as you sit here today at the crossroads of college life and the real world, I implore you to take the time to look deep inside and contemplate -- why in God’s name would you voluntarily leave this morally decrepit, liquor-fueled Disneyland?

The real world is out there, people. It's waiting for you. It does not fear your idealism or your 4-year bachelor’s degree in computer graphics. I know some of you have worked extremely hard for this degree, and your confidence is high. But make no mistake, there’s very little in the real world that this piece of paper will give you control over. It’s kind of like diligently preparing yourself to pass the driver’s exam only to have your parents hand you the keys to a rusted out Geo Metro with no breaks and a missing steering wheel. Good luck trying to parallel park that fucker.

If you’ve been paying attention to the world around you in between body shots and STD tests, you may have noticed that previous generations of college graduates have screwed affairs rather badly up until now. Don’t get me wrong, there have been accomplishments. I mean, TiVO is pretty cool, but as a whole, we have failed to realize our potential. Peace still eludes us in the Middle East, greed and corruption control the highest posts of our government, and CEOs value the price of their stock over the well-being of their own workers. These people obviously did not stay in school long enough. A few more years of ethics courses and bong loads would have done these people wonders.

Many people will tell you that without a career, your life will lack definition. These people are wrong. Few things are more noble than a life dedicated to scholarship. For most, a job simply acts as a measuring tool that tells people just how much you fear poverty and what you’re willing to do to avoid it. Take myself, for example. I'm a customer service rep for a large company, not because it best defines who I am, but because I thought it out and came to the conclusion that it would be slightly less degrading than giving $2 tug jobs at freeway rest stops.

People, what I’m trying to say is simple. Look around you. It will never get any better than this. NEVER. While it is natural to think that there is more to life than what you are doing now, I implore you to take my word – there isn’t! So on this day, the day of your graduation, I will tell you this: be proud of what you have accomplished so far, receive your diploma, thank your parents for the help and celebrate. Then, tomorrow, wipe the sleep out of your eyes, get dressed, and march down to the admin building to hand in your application for grad school.