Own your cankles!

Yesterday, you saw a post regarding an essential CNN report on cankles.

In that riveting, richly-detailed minute-and-a-half news package, cankles, unfortunately, were cast only in a negative light. Something to have liposuctioned away if you could just find the right unlicensed strip mall plastic surgeon unconcerned by the major nerve damage it most likely would cause.

But why?

What about those who have cankles and want to celebrate that fact?

What about those who say "I have canned hams where my ankles should be and I look fucking fabulous! If you've got 'em [cankles], flaunt 'em!"?

Well, luckily, that ever-growing (thanks to corn subsidies) niche consumer base is finally starting to be heard, and leading the way are the makers of the Cankle Bracelet. The fashion accessory for cankles!

The Day I Lost My Faith in Humanity, Volume XX

Jeezus.

Cankles?

Really?

You're reporting on cankles?


Vital news gathering, CNN. Thank you. Cronkite would be proud.

What's next? A special report on FUPAs?

<---- Hall of Fame FUPA.

Thanks to B. for the link!

The 24-Hour News Cycle Strikes Again

I...

ummm...

I...

ugh.

Fuck it. 

Just roll the tape, please.

That Kyra Phillips sure does get a kick out of talking to black people. 

Campbell Brown: Pop Culture Cold-Case Unit

In this, the Instant Information Age, nothing is more important than being The First -- especially when it comes to reporting on the latest Internet phenomenon. That is, unless you're Campbell Brown, host of CNN's No Bias No Bull (which coincidentally, is all bias and all bull, all the time. In the world of cable news anchors, "no" always means "yes." Ex: O'Reilly's "No Spin Zone."). Nope, she prefers waiting until that Internet phenomenon's dead, decaying, bloated carcus is found washed ashore, vulture's pecking away at its eye sockets. This was the case tonight when she reported on the "latest" craze to sweep the World Wide Web: something the kids are all calling "Rickrolling."

Wow, Campbell, what's next? lonelygirl15? The Dancing Baby? Maybe an in-depth piece on Friendster and this rapidly growing Internet-based trend known as "social networking"? Do you not have anybody under the age of 30 on your staff?

Sorry, don't have the vid to share. Here's the transcript, though (Oh, and by the way, Campbell, if you get an email about Bill Gates sharing his fortune with you, it's NOT real):

BROWN: Tonight's "Bull's-Eye" goes to something that our staff has been buzzing about all day. They've even been singing along. And Erica Hill is here to explain what is up.

HILL: That's right. The song stuck in everybody's head so we're going to do it to you at home too just because we like to share. It's actually -- this is something that's really tough to explain without you seeing it first. So first, I want you to take a look at this video that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi released today of her cats.

And there we go. Here's the thing. This is called getting "Rick-rolled." Oh, yes, "Never Going to Let You Go," Rick Astley, '87. Those were the days.

Here's what happened because apparently this --

BROWN: It's all coming back now.

HILL: It is. All the kids are talking about this. So Rick Astley and that classic from '87, including the hair, will pop up just at some random point during a video while you're watching it online and that's called getting "Rick-rolled" which happened to Nancy Pelosi's cat. It also happened very famously to Barack Obama.

Check this one out. In fact it may be -- those are the cats again. But the Barack Obama one could be the most famous one. I think we have it.

BROWN: Oh, come on.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BARACK OBAMA (D), PRESIDENT-ELECT: We're no strangers to love.

You know the rules and so do I.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

HILL: But that one they, you know, they kind of put it to music. Five and a half million views of that one so far.

BROWN: Unbelievable.

HILL: "Rick-rolling."

BROWN: I mean, how did this start? Like who comes up with the idea?

HILL: It's an excellent question. From everything I've seen, they really don't know who started it but it's become a really big thing. When I first heard about it, I thought "Rick-rolling" involved Rick Sanchez. But no. No twittering involved.

BROWN: OK. That does it for us. Who knew? Erica Hill, always bringing in something fascinating. We're ending it there.

"LARRY KING LIVE" starts right now. We'll see you tomorrow night

New 9/11 Memorial Opens, CNN Poops on it

by Gloucester de la Vegas, Gifted/Talented Child, Arts/Culture Correspondent

We here at "Diary of Fools" like making fun of other people. Why wouldn't we? Sure, I eat paste and believe in the Tooth Fairy, but I still know they deserve it. Welcome to life, old people. It's half about sorrow and half about how dumb you are. I mean, not YOU, but those other people.

But if CNN is going to put up an article concerning a new memorial to those who died on September 11, 2001, in terrorist attacks...why would they make the headline "Pentagon 9/11 memorial honors victims in symbols, concrete"? And the lack of capitalization is theirs, not mine. And that's just the start of it. If you read this "article", you will learn exactly how NOT to write about sculpture, and how to make every possible mistake.

Here's just one key quote: "the wall is designed to remind visitors of the youngest and oldest victims, wrapping the memorial in symbolic imagery." Well, put simply, and I guess that's how you like it, CNN.com, -- an artistic memorial to a tragedy can't be, so to speak "wrapped in [its own] symbolic imagery". No artwork can, that doesn't make sense.

In about 13 years I hope I can get an internship at CNN.com so I can advise the staff of writers there how to write. I'm joking, of course, I'm sure by then they'll know how. But for fun, here's a sentence like the one referenced above. You know, just for practice: "The Popsicle, wrapped in its wrap that graphically suggested the brand 'Popsicle' and enclosed the frozen treat, was symbolic of an ice cream product." I smell Pulitzer.

Yes, that's what this whole Web "article" is like. And for the record, it's actually because I, Gloucester de la Vegas, actually do care about America and 9/11 and humanity, and stuff. So I just would like a major news source like CNN not to make a mess of it. I'm in 1st grade now, and I know that I have moronic peers who write like monkeys with a crayon. But at least they're not paid by CNN to do it.

Hey, personal note to Sarah Palin: I'll bet you could read this CNN article and not find anything wrong with it. Nothing personal, it's just a gut feeling. You seem like a nice mommy, and I'm in a position to know, uniquely. But if you think I'm saying you're a bit dumb, shrill, self-serving, lack circumspection, and really don't have any normal human decency, yes, that's what I suspect about you. I'm sure you're very busy being on the campaign trail and you don't have time to consider what is or isn't good journalism. And the liberal media will always hate you because you're beautiful, or so you think.

But again, awesome mommy, I'm sure.

The above statements do not represent the editorial or moral position of "Diary of Fools".dot whatever. This is a legal disclaimer, of sorts. It may not be perfect, but it does the job. Get used to it, old people. This is the new way of doing things. You'll see when I'm 18, which will be the year 2020. There will be new "World Trade towers" by then, and they won't even be new any more, and hopefully the world will be at peace.