So Blaine Fridley generally takes the reigns on the Funk de la Friday, but decided to let ol' Reno bear take it over every other week. Being a mindless dipshit, I forgot.
So I am using Blogger's option to backdate a post and doing it, knowing you'll never see it.
However I did leave a link to this, so its like you're going back in time...or at least going back in our archives. Which you should do more often, because we're pretty fucking great.
Hand-picked hotness you need to check out. Or not. You know, like...whatever.
Today's Hot Sh!t: downandoutat30.com
Selected by: Blaine Fridley
What do you do when you're 30 and voluntarily leave your job in the worst economy since Hooverville was the hottest, fastest-growing neighborhood in Manhattan? Start a blog, uhdoy. And lucky for you, that's exactly what the creator of downandoutat30.com did. Funny. Witty. Breezy-but-insightful. Irreverent at times, poignant at others. Always entertaining. Always intelligent. Bookmark it. Better yet, subscribe. Odds are, you'll be unemployed soon, too, and Down and Out at 30 will be less "lunchtime diversion" and more "definitive guide to coping."
*Full disclosure: This blog may or may not be written by one of my favorite humans of all-time.
...or Don't Piss in my Pocket and Tell me it's Raining by Knarf Black XIV, Consumer Advocate/Sandwich-related Subterfuge Whistle-blower
No, it's not global warming you silly bastard; didn't you see Waterworld? I am, of course, speaking of the Subway fast-food chain's "Five Dollar Footlong" promotion.
By now you have undoubtedly been exposed to the campaign's trademark jingle. (Slate has an excellent piece about it, appropriately titled "Jingle Hell") If not, consider yourself one of the lucky few whose minds will not be slowly, painfully destroyed. You see, this is no ordinary musical slogan, it is a painstakingly crafted form of irresistible white-noise that, when heard or even recollected, overwrites the contents of human memory with copies of itself. Filling and overtaking the mind like something out of a Borges story.
With phase one firmly established in the already atrophied pre-frontal cortex of the American consumer, the evil geniuses at Subway Central Command began "lowering" the prices of their footlong sandwiches. Initially this seems like a great deal: a customer can save nearly $1.70 (or almost but not quite the cost of adding chips and a soda) off the price of a higher-end sub like the "Chicken Bacon Ranch." The savings becomes more modest in the midrange section, but thanks to phase one, the drooling masses are not likely to notice.
It is in the basic, no frills, single meat section on the menu where phase three comes into play. Early last year, a customer could find a small selection at prices like $4.89 or even $4.69. During the initial phases, the masses could laugh these off as "pussy" subs and go on to order their prime rib or seafood sensation--where the "deals" are.
With minds clouded by jingles and attitudes coddled by moderate discounts, few noticed the subtleties of the dread phase four. The infectious commercials were scaled back, the large colorful banners replaced with more subdued versions, and the promotion retreated to the low end sandwiches. No longer a "limited time" deal, $5 Footlongs are simply a menu item. This means that the base price of a Subway Sandwich is now a crisp, green Lincoln.
Son of a bitch. Subway just raised their prices on us and we liked it. We thanked them for the simplification of sandwich related math.
It did not take long for stronger minds to cut through the deafening neural-noise and raise their voices in righteous complaint, but the Subway Restaurant corporation was prepared for this eventuality. Hence phase five: the return of full force five dollar footlongs. The garish red banners are back, along with even lamer commercials to reinforce the already endemic neural degridation. No longer are there any footlong menu items listed below the $5 mark, nor is their any indication that this has ever not been the case. They've always cost that much. You don't need a six inch sandwich, you are hungrier than that. It only costs a dollar and change more, anyway.
by Blaine Fridley, Editor-in-Chief/Leader in the field of masculinity
What?
Granted, I don't drink diet soda ('cuz it's for queers), but really? Diet soda for men? What does that even mean? Before this enlightening message from Pepsi, I had no idea drinking diet soda was inherently femmy; I just knew it tasted like ass.
So what is the secret ingredient that makes Pepsi Max more manly?
The DoF Investigative Team did a little digging and found out:
Burt Reynolds chest hair.
It's a fact: Each follicle of Reynolds chest hair contains enough super-concentrated masculinity to power 1.2 million Ford F-350 pick-ups for 1 month.
In the greatest annual circle jerk in U.S. politics, President Barack Obama addressed the first joint session of the new congress last night. If you think you missed out, you didn't. It was more tough-talking greedy CEOs, convincing Americans we will survive the economic crisis, and restoring faith that the American Dream is still alive and well. Fortunately, there were some primo quotes uttered as the attendees left the chamber doors. They also had weed brownies and Kool-Aid at the post-address reception. Nanci Pelosi (D - CA) - "So many standing O's! I felt like a sprightly ninth-grade cheerleader about to run for class president!"
Tom Rooney (R - FL) - "This is my first time. I've never been more excited! I wasn't sure when to clap, so I just watched Orrin Hatch."
Ruth Bader Ginsburg - "That jagoff made me stand up to greet him? Ahh, the nerve! I think I tore some stitches."
Michelle Obama - "Did you see me make sandwich meat out of that poor girl during the awkward hug?! OMG!"
Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger - "Why are they still inviting me to all these political events?" Joe Biden - "Bored. I just couldn't keep myself from inadvertently toying with my program even though I was plainly visible to the camera the entire time. At least I didn't do the creepy Cheney smile."
Olympia Snowe (R - ME) - "I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention...too busy ski poling Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham."
David Axelrod - "For a speech that wasn't written by him, he certainly did a hell of job selling originality and candor. Am I right?! RIGHT?! The 'rod has still got it! Where's the bubbly?..."
Barack Obama - "It's like a goddamn preschool playground in there."
George Washington convened the first Cabinet meeting on record - at his home. All enjoyed Martha's lemon bars, which were deemed by War Secretary Henry Knox to be good enough to "make one ejaculate in their knickers." Meanwhile, President Washington would spend a good majority of the meeting apologizing for all the cat hair.
Here at the Diary of Fools we love us some Elton John. Dude is just funky. Some may say too flamboyant. Well, the man is a gay, what do you want? He's not averse to wearing some loud shit, and we celebrate that. Donald Duck costume not in your closet? Well this man came out of his wearing one, and we find that to be...applauded?
Here we're going to explore some of his...greatest(?) looks while listening to the previously unreleased unplugged version of Benny and Jets. If nothing else, listen to the fantastic song.
This is our first run, so it's basically just pictures and a kick ass song, but fuck you, it's free. Enjoy it.
"The man who in view of gain thinks of righteousness; who in the view of danger is prepared to give up his life; and who does not forget an old agreement however far back it extends - such a man may be reckoned a complete man. It is especially in the spirit of this last, most essential point that I remind you about how you totally said last time that you'd buy this time."
Do you enjoy the duplicity of being pop-culture savvy and a horrible gambler? Or are you so economically beaten that any few hundred dollars would get you off the refried beans and ramen diet?
Then Ol' Reno invites you to his yearly NCAA Basketball brackets where you could win upwards of 600 dollars * for a mere $10 entry. (* Depends on how many enter. But last year was like $640.)
But Reno, what the fuck do I know about College Basketball? Worry not my friend, nobody really cares or knows anything about college basketball enough to be able to prognosticate this thing. It's a fucking raffle ticket, basically.
Or don't. Whatever, but know that we love you here for reading, and would love nothing more than for us to win that money. But a distant second would be to send that money to a reader.
to sign up: http://imb2.mayhem.cbssports.com/e
Feel free to post a message in the message board. Further information will be included. Hope to see you there, boppers.
The Food and Drug Administration names six brands of birth control as safe and effective "morning-after" pills, though the Association of Sexually Misinformed Older Brothers continues to advocate the importance of "pulling out" and "doing it while standing up or underwater" in thwarting unwanted pregnancies.
Mississippi is readmitted to the Union, a move the Union still regrets to this day.
*Sorry to our Mississippi readers. No harm intended. We got jokes, that's all… but now that I think of it, if you're from Mississippi, you can't read this anyway. So, never mind.
Hey there suckers! It’s your Commander in Chief, Barack Hussein Obama! I fooled you. All this ‘Yes We Can’ and ‘Vote for Change’ mumbo jumbo was my cousin’s idea. ‘Our time for change’, ‘A New beginning’, ‘Women for America’, sounded hilarious at the time. We were so high. My favorite is “We must pledge once more to walk into the future”. What the hell is that supposed to mean?
This whole community organizer gig was just me getting the family together for the holidays.
Now, onto business, the American people voted for me based on things that they call "issues." Issues are different things that people like to fight about. It’s pretty entertaining. With that said, my job is to outline a few of these issues.
Economy: I started watching the news recently and all I hear is whining and complaining. “I can’t afford a gym membership,” “I had to sell my Timeshare in Boca Raton,” “I can’t feed my family.” Boohoo. Reality check, you couldn’t afford to feed your family or go to the gym when the economy was good either. You just got caught is all. Since people can’t manage their money as well as they’ve been pretending to, I’ve come up with an alternative solution. Check this shit out, there’s a building where they make money. It’s called the US Mint. Let’s go to that building. Let’s start printing a shit ton of money.
Immigration: We’ve tried posting the National Guard at the borders. We even allow crazy dudes with automatic weapons wander the deserts hunting them. But still, the aliens keep landing on our property, mowing my lawn and trimming my hedges. I’m announcing a new initiative to keep legal and illegal aliens out of America. Sure, we could push the border north a bit or make New Mexico part of regular Mexico again but I have a better idea. A moat. It will be approximately 20 feet wide and connect the Atlantic with the Pacific Ocean. We can put signs up saying “Keep Out” or “Turn around” with pictures of el chupacabras. We need to stop being known as the “Tierra de Oportunidad” and start being known as (lowers voice) “Tierra de Muerte.”
Terrorism: I’ll continue to utilize the Bush Administration’s ideology of fighting terrorism: Freak everyone out. Personally, I like this idea. When explaining why we’re at war to the American people, Bush has explained to me that it is very important to make your Ns sound like Qs and your Afghanistan’s sound like Pakistan. In the meantime, I’ve set up a two stage, color-coded system to warn Americans when we are under attack. Red stands for “We are under attack” and blue stands for “We are not under attack.”
The Environment: Global Warming is only getting worse. Which is super serious since initial predictions said it would destroy Earth. I propose sending 10,000 troops into outerspace to fight the war against sun. I’ve named the mission Operation Yellow Dwarf. Clever, I know. If that doesn’t work, we can change our thermometers from Fahrenheit to Celsius. And if that still doesn’t work, I’ll have Al Gore wave his magical wand laser pointer, repeat the words “Drowning Polar Bear” and “Melting Icecap” five times and “poof”, people will recycle and buy more hybrid cars.
My boy Biden has explained to me that there are even more issues that should be covered, like Education and Health Care. I will address these after I Google them. Thank you and God Bless America!
Thomas Edison receives a patent for his phonograph, along with preliminary approval for the earliest known rendering of what would later become known as the ShamWOW!®
Hastily Posted by Blaine Fridley, Editor-in-Chief/Human Beatbox
Knowing as I do that the NY Post could easily be sold as The Xenophobe Gazette and Daily Reader for Slack-jawed Conservatards, it would be silly of me to get too worked up over anything that gets printed in it. It is, after all, owned by the FOX News Corp.
But today, mixed-in with the usual array of mad-libs, pop-ups, coloring activities and stories written in 16-font type with full-page color photos was this gem from cartoonist Sean Delonas:
Hmm.
Now, what comes immediately to mind when you see this? Is it the explanation from Archie Bunker aka Col Allan, NY Post's editor-in-chief:
Or is it what the aforementioned Al Sharpton saw:
Now, citing the fuck-nutty attention-whore Al Sharpton to strengthen a point is something I generally attempt to avoid, because, well, his credibility is slightly less than that of the NY Post itself.
<----Today's edition of the NY Post
But to think anybody of reasonable intelligence (which, obviously rules out any NY Post reader. Too easy, I know. But not ripping FOX News and consumers of FOX News is like putting a fresh piece of bubble wrap in front of me and expecting me to refrain from popping it) would not immediately make the correlation between the dead cartoon chimp and our president is utterly delusional. And that's BEFORE even considering the cartoonist's reputation. Here's a look at some past work:
Considering the paper it was printed in,
I'm going to guess this isn't lampooning the
gay marriage-as-a-gateway-to-bestiality crowd.
Zing! Two men getting married?
Now I've seen EVERYTHING!
But again, what else can be expected from what Chuck D. once called "America's oldest continuously published daily piece of bullshit"?
Hand-picked hotness you need to check out. Or not. You know, like...whatever.
Today's Hot Sh!t: Plantlife - Time Traveller
Selected by: Blaine Fridley
OK, so released last spring, Time Traveller isn't exactly hot off the press… but mainstream press coverage has definitely been lacking since this beautiful electro-funk-hip hop-soul cocktail dropped on the general public in May of '08. Time Traveller is the 2nd full-length effort from MC Jack Splash and producer Panda One, who hooked up for Plantlife's 2004 debut Return of Jack Splash. Return… garnered much praise from some pretty big names upon its release: Mos Def, ?uestlove, Viktor Duplaix. You may have heard of them. They're a pretty big deal.
Well, Time Traveller does nothing to push those much-respected titans of music off the Plantlife bandwagon. Shit, even those insufferable snobs at Pitchfork gave it a 7.9/10 (which, considering the fact that they'd probably give Pet Sounds a "5" had the Internet been around in 1966, is pretty damn good. Tangent: Pitchfork reminds me of some of the rimjobs I worked with during my college radio days. You know, the type that would earnestly claim Pedro the Lion's superiority over Led Zeppelin. I dunno, maybe Bright Eyes sounds better in your mom's basement, but from here it sounds like something that would be used to supplement waterboarding techniques and scrotum electrodes).
So, what's the best way to sum up Time Traveller? Music to feel good by. Whether it's the Quasimoto-tinged title track or the electro-funk jams that simply out-Prince Prince (especially "Love Toy" and "Outta Control," posted below for your aural pleasure), Plantlife lights up your iPod with the kind of unbridaled joy and creativity in short supply these days.
World chess champion Garry Kasparov beats IBM supercomputer "Deep Blue," winning a six-game match in Philadelphia. Most chess experts look to that defeat as the beginning of the end for Deep Blue, who shortly thereafter would be convicted on rape charges. After serving 2 years in an Indiana federal prison, the highly anticipated re-match between the increasingly erratic and self-destructive supercomputer and Kasparov was scheduled for May 2, 1998 at Caesar's Palace. Showing up to the weigh-in with a sizable posse of hangers-on, a new face tattoo and a leashed cheetah, Deep Blue showered reporters with bombastic prognostications, along with threats to eat Kasparov's children. The following day the re-match was called off in the second game after Deep Blue bit off Kasparov's ear.
A year later, Deep Blue was out of the chess world and co-starring in VH1's "The Surreal Life."
Today's Celebrity Birthdays:
44 years ago today, Michael Bay exploded out of his mother's vagina in a birth that was deemed "visually stimulating, but ultimately unsatisfying" by doctors.
Jim Brown, football hall of famer and the baddest motherfucker alive turns 73. Go ahead, test him. He'd still whoop your ass something ferocious.
With the inauguration of Barack Obama, this year has already been extremely momentous for the civil rights movement. This being Black History Month, Boston.com reminds us of a touching story from 40 years ago in a city that was torn by a rift of racism.
Well leave it to a Minnesota-based grocer to remind us what Black History Month is all about: CHEAP GREENS AND CHICKEN!
This is a real advertisement. (click for enlarged version)
The DoF wonders why they stopped short of watermelon and grape drink? I mean if you're going to sum up all black people in a one page flyer of food, why not just go for the cycle of stereotyping? It's as if they just stood on second base with the ball still tumbling around the outfield of bigotry.
DoF suggests keeping it to 3 or less. At least at a time.
However, let us suggest if you must have a crazy doctor implant you with 6 embryos at once, after you already have like 4 mentally ill kids, why not try a few gallons of cocoa butter?
And of course, since DoF ran two Nadya stories today, we've officially become part of the problem and not the solution to awful media.
But this way maybe my name change to Stone Gruber will go through.
As if the stretch marks and breast saggage from five previous pregnancies weren't enough of a "blessing," Ms. Suleman felt it necessary to have one final pump to see if any embryos would take to her loose-as-a-goose uterus. The problem is, she already had six children, and she was in for a rude awakening when there were eight more on the way. Get the gist of it with this Dateline followup interview:
1) It's really annoying when someone uses the "God told me to" or "this is God's plan" excuse. Not only does it weaken the argument's effect if it's used without restraint, but she also appears to have selective hearing when it comes to God's words to her. The woman had three miscarriages before she attempted in vitro fertilization. I guess God must have been prepping her ovaries for bigger things.
2) She seems rather carefree about the whole interview, even laughing at certain parts as if this was some fantastical game. Lady, you might need a good psychoanalysis.
3) My favorite line: "What human in this planet is capable of taking care of 14 independently without support from family, from friends, from church? No human is!" And that's true. Suleman is unemployed and has no source of income for her now 14 children besides the remnants of a disability settlement and food stamps. I have a rough idea of what her children's first words are going to be: "Gimme, gimme, gimme."
Doucher qualities: vagina like sleeve of wizard, unaddressed delusions, selfishness, and Jolie Lip Syndrome
A short time after the miraculous emergency plane landing in the Hudson River I received a phone call from my concerned mother. It was along the lines of this:
Mom: I just saw on Fox News that a plane crashed in the Hudson River Me: Don't worry mom, it's not terrorists, it was a pack of geese supposedly Mom: (silence) Me: Fine, it was terrorist geese from Iraq sent by Al Qaeda Mom: Funny Me: Stop watching Fox News
In all fairness, CNN was running the same headline of “Plane Crashes in the Hudson River” on their website. And I’m not sure if this is my general paranoia of flying that developed after 9/11 (for about 75% of a flight I am usually thinking I am going to die in a fiery air ball at 35,000 ft.), or the constant stream of up to the minute news, but my immediate thought was terrorism. I have a sneaking suspicion that a lot of people thought that as well.
While I am an informed citizen of the world, I do limit my news sources, because they all tend to sensationalize stories to draw in viewership. And nothing draws in news viewership like fear. After I had that little convo with my mother this got me thinking as to how Fox News, more specifically Bill O’Reilly, would present the story of the plane crash. This is how it all went down in my head:
O’Reilly: Horror on the Hudson, all 155 passengers and crew members lucky to be alive after an apparent terrorist attack by a pack of renegade geese sent to America by Al Qaeda. Here is an artist’s interpretation of the terrorist suspects.
We’ve heard of the “Western Al Queda” but who knew they were so close to home? Canadian Geese, terrorizing the skies. Who are these Geese from the North? And, why do they hate our freedom?
Tonight we have with us a leading expert on Canadian Geese, Tom Miller. Tom?
Miller: Yes, Bill. It is nice to be here.
O’Reilly: Now Tom, you’ve been researching Canadian Geese for quite some time now. Isn’t that correct?
Miller: Yes, since 1975 actually. Almost 35 years.
O’Reilly: Any insight you could give us on this new edition to the global campaign on terror?
Miller: Certainly. What most people don’t know is that Canadian Geese have been terrorizing the skies of America for quite some time now. Fortunately, we have some tools to combat these cowards.
O’Reilly: What sort of tools are we talking about here?
Miller: It ranges from the basic to the sophisticated, from firing noisemaking projectiles to making wildlife areas they normally inhabit inhospitable to radar.
O’Reilly: Radar? Is this the best we can do? . . . Hold on just one minute Tom, I’m getting news of a video of the terrorist geese. Can we see that video please?
O’Reilly: Not only do they appear to be at some sort of training facility, they appear to be mocking us. This is appalling . . . we’ll be back after this commercial break.
"These cock suckers should really be executed." -Fred Phelps, Super Nice Dude Fuckstick, Kansas
"Everything that's wrong with today's 20-somethings."
- Some Asshole Blogger Minneapolis, MN
"...See? This is what I'm talking about. It's shit like this that makes people doubt my existence in the first place. Well, that and the fact that Mario Lopez keeps getting work somehow."
- God, Alleged Creator of the Universe
Hoboken, NJ
"I think it's neat how a group of retards can run their own website. A nice little story."
-Debra Goosingbunz, Social Worker Sandusky, OH
"Seriously, if I catch you people going through my garbage again, I'm getting a fucking restraining order." -Bootsy Collins, Funk Bassist, Cincinnati, OH
"OH MY GOD OHMYGOD IT BURNS HOLY FUCK IT BURNS GET IT OFF GETITOFF OH SHIT IT HURTS SO MUCH OHMYGAAAAARRRGH AAAAHHH!" -Some Guy Who's on Fire, Burning Man Festival, Black Rock Desert, Northern NV
"I thought this blog might be kinda funny at first, but it's nothing but name calling....a veritable thesaurus of insults." -Anna Nimity, Internet Spectre, Cyberspace
"You're a shitty writer and this site sucks dick." -Mr. Meh, Cracked.com reader, and apparent dick-sucking authority
Worldwide Love for the DoF (The DoF on the Interweb)
Burt Reynolds chest hair.
How do pubes find their way into the employee refrigerator? 
<----Today's edition of the
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