RIP JB

James Brown 1933-2006

Nobody will ever look this good in a unitard and suit jacket ever again.

Holo-what? Never heard of it.

"It's not a lie, if you believe it."
- George Costanza


Several weeks ago, when loony-as-batshit Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (which is his official title in this blog from now on)decided to hold a conference dedicated to exposing the Holocaust as a lie, he took the Costanza Paradigm of Truth to a level of punch-yourself-in-the-face ridiculousness the world has not seen since our own loony-as-batshit President Bush arrived on an aircraft carrier in an aviation suit with socks stuffed in the crotch and proclaimed "mission accomplished."

The conference, which I assume was held in the lovely Ayatollah Khomeini room at the Tehran Ramada Hotel and Conference Center, aimed to discredit countless personal survival stories, photographic documentation, and research centers filled to the brim with indisputable evidence that the Holocaust did indeed happen, and that it was one of the greatest tragedies in the pantheon of human existence.

Knowing that his conference may lack legitimacy in light of such staggering, undeniable, and unequivocal proof, he invited ex-KKK leader David Duke for extra credibility.

Well, for two days an elite group of Muslim extremists, scholars**, and Imperial Wizards of the KKK made their case against the Holocaust. They had PowerPoint presentations. And 6-foot party subs for lunch. It was very impressive. Needless to say, it was also very convincing. After this eye-opening conference, I think we can all agree that Anne Frank was just kind of a morbid kid with an amazing grasp of first-person narrative.

**Drunk hobos

Inspired by loony-as-batshit Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinjed's ability to turn historical fact into a myth simply by declaring it as such, I have decided to take this time to publicly deny several items long accepted (or proven) to be the truth.

Myth #1) Major Leauge 2 --
Major League is one of the finest sports movies ever made. Major League 2 is not. Mainly because it never happened. There also exists a certain group of depraved lunatics who claim to have seen a Major League 3 starring Scott Bakula (aka Dr. Samuel Beckett from Quantum Leap) in the lead role. Sick fucks.->
(left)Phony poster from non-existent film.






Myth #2) Van Halen made albums after 1984. The malicious rumors of a post-Roth Van Halen actually parallel the rumors of Major League sequels somewhat. After lead singer David Lee Roth left Van Halen (and the group consequently disbanded), tales of a Van Halen sequel emerged. The second incarnation of Van Halen allegedly starred all the original performers, except for the role of Roth, which apparently was now played by some fat guy dressed like a homeless person who mugged a tourist for their luggage-->> This plays out much like Major Leauge II, which also allegedly starred the original cast, but replaced a lead character played by Wesley Snipes with Omar Epps and figured no one would notice. To expand on the Van Halen/Major Leauge parallel, an even more horrific rumor was started that a Van Halen III was formed, this time starring the former lead singer of Extreme, Gary Cherone, who could aptly be described as the Scott Bakula of rock.

<<------ The last Van Halen album ever made

Does anybody honestly believe that Van Halen could go from this to this?
Of course not, because it never happened.



Myth #3) I was a virgin until I was almost 20 yrs old. False. Despite the lack of women willing to admit they had sex with me before 1999 (or after that for that matter), I, in fact, lost my virginity to this woman-->> , at the age of 13.

Myth #4) I once insulted the intelligence of what few pity-filled souls read this blog by making a lazy Michael Jackson child molestation joke and acting like it was fresh material. Why would I do that? If you wanted stale and dull topical humor, you would just watch Jay Leno.

(Above)Jay Leno extends
his record-setting streak
of 5,475 consecutive
humorless monologues.

and finally...

Myth #5) Hootie and the Blowfish sold more copies of Cracked Rear View than the Beatles did with Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band... oh, snap. That one's actually true.

Diary of Fools Online College Graduation Guide: Chapter Two, Part One - Internships and Resumes

In the previous installments of the Diary of Fools Online College Graduation Guide, you read a compelling argument against graduation along with tips for coping with a move back to your parent’s house.

In this chapter, you will learn how to impress prospective employers with a resume built on a strong foundation of education, experience, half-truths and outright lies.

The first mistake many recent college graduates make is assuming their college degree entitles them to any job of their choosing. Take a moment to review your diploma. If it looks like this, that may be true. If it looks like this, not so much.

There was a time when a diploma from just about any college did guarantee you a better job, but that was before every knuckle-head started going to college and earning degrees for things like creative writing and hotel management.

Because of this influx of college-educated job seekers, employers can now pick and choose who they want to hire, making it harder for new grads to find a job in the career of their choice. Fact is, 4 out of 10 Taco Bell employees are now college educated, working their student loans off one chalupa at a time.

Broadcast Journalism major,
East Chattanooga State, class of '99

However, recent grads can compensate for the over-saturation of diplomas in the job market by adding relevant job experience to their degree. The problem, of course, is that most new graduates have little or no relevant job experience to put on a resume. Although your diploma may say “Bachelors Degree in Political Science”, your work history says “15 hours a week at Jamba Juice.” Clearly, something must be done.

One way to gain resume-building job experience in your field of interest is by applying for an internship. Internships are unpaid, entry-level positions that help young, aspiring professionals see what life is like without dignity. Want to become an architect? An internship at an architectural design firm will provide you with priceless “hands-on” knowledge that no classroom could possibly teach you - things like, what kind of coffee architects drink, where architects take their dry-cleaning, and how to staple and collate documents on the very same Xerox that architects use!


[Fun Fact: Did you know that before the Emancipation Proclamation, internships were known as “slavery”?]

Ideally, internships should be done while still in school for college credit. However, a growing number of adults looking for a career change and recent college graduates with shitty guidance counselors have also been applying for internships in order to expand their relevant work experience.

When pursuing an internship, it is important to note that many companies do not advertise internship opportunities, and it will be up to you to develop an internship of your own within the organization of your choosing. The first step to accomplishing this is by creating what’s called an “exploratory letter” – a statement highlighting career goals, education, and your mastery of the form letter.

Example

What you write:

Dear Ms. Gomez:

I am interested in a temporary position as a chemical technician in your metallurgy laboratory. On my enclosed resume you will note that I have finished two years as a chemistry major at Midwestern University, have completed analytical chemistry, and have worked the past two summers in an industrial chemical laboratory. My strong interest in metallurgy, combined with my courses and my laboratory experience, provide me with the background to make a worthwhile contribution as a chemical technician in your organization.

I would like to make an appointment with you so that we might explore the ways in which an internship would allow me to make a contribution to your company. As your employee, I would also be able to increase my skill with laboratory equipment used in metallurgy. I will telephone you within two weeks to arrange for an interview at a mutually convenient time.

Thank you for your consideration. If you need additional information, please contact me at (513) 555-2431.

Very truly yours,
Harry Walker

What they read:

Dear Ms. Gomez:

Me work for free.

Sincerely,

Sucker McNoPay


With luck, your exploratory letter will result in a face to face meeting. Don’t fuck it up.

Once you found the internship you were hoping for, it is important to conduct yourself as though it were your job. You should arrive for your first day early, dressed nicely, and with a Dilbert flip calendar for your desk. If you can’t find a Dilbert calender, a poster that says some stupid shit like "A problem is just another opportunity to succeed" with a picture of a guy hand-gliding over the Grand Canyon will do.

In any internship it is important to remember that while you are not getting paid with money, you are being compensated with priceless “relevant experience*”. Many experts advise catologing this experience with a journal of your day to day activities:

* “Relevant experience” can not be redeemed for food or rent. It does, however, entitle you to a travel coffee mug with your company’s logo on it. Nice.




MegaCorp Internship Diary, Day 34

9am – Arrived to work, reported to boss. Boss not in yet. Went to cubicle, updated Myspace account.

10:33am – Boss still not in. Ask others in the department if there is anything I can do for them. Offer met with cold silence, except for Bruce the sales guy who calls me a queer, but makes it sound like he’s coughing. Others laugh.

10:30 pm -11:30am – Triple my previous high score in Snood.

11:45am – Boss arrives looking disheveled and unnerved. Runs to office, closes blinds.

12:00 pm – Boss frantically approaches me with “very important project” involving GPS, a shovel, and an unresponsive hooker in the trunk of his Acura. Also needs me to pick up business cards from Kinko’s.

3:00pm – returned from desolate wetland/Kinko’s.

3:00 pm – 4:00 pm – updated Myspace account

4:00pm – 5:00pm – cake party for Bruce the sales guy's birthday. Everyone is forced to say something about Bruce. I come up with something about how great of a mentor he is. Bruce responds by saying how nice it’s been having somebody here to hold his cock when going to the bathroom. Others laugh. I hate Bruce.

Once you've completed your internship, it's important to remember that your experience doesn't become "relevant experience" until you lie about it on your resume. In the second part of this chapter, we will show you how to transform your three months as the office fluffer into an eye-catching array of bullet-points, embellishments, and power verbs.

Stat of the Day

From the Diary of Fools Department of Completely Unsurprising Statistics...

A survey of British psychologists says 53% of hip-hop fans say they've committed a crime, compared with 18% of fans of musicals.
- Discover magazine


The Diary of Fools says fair enough,
but shouldn't being a fan of this be
considered a crime on some level?

A Mesage From the Editor

Diary of Fools will be on a temporary hiatus while I'm on vacation [in rehab]. New material wil be posted when I return [am released] the weekend of 11/13. ---Blaine Fridley

News Quiz

U.S. Senator Rick Santorum (R - PA) was at the Mayfield Diner in Philadelphia to:
A) introduce himself to the voting public
B) explain why he'd make a better senator than Democratic challenger Bob Casey, Jr
C) ask this man if he could take a shit on his pancakes


Nothing I wrote about Rick Santorum would ever be able to capture my disgust as effectively as the look on this man's face while losing his appetite at the very sight of him. Priceless.

Learn more about how you can incorporate Santorum into your everyday lexicon at www.spreadingsantorum.com .

What would Jesus do?

I think if there’s one thing we can all take away from the teachings of Jesus Christ, it’s that the best place to spread intolerance and hatred is at the funeral of Amish children:

Anti-Gay Kansas Church Cancels Protests at Funerals for Slain Amish Girls
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
By Sara Bonisteel
FOX News

The controversial anti-homosexual Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kan., has canceled its plans to stage a protest at the funerals of the five Amish girls executed in their Pennsylvania school, a church official said Wednesday.

Shirley Phelps-Roper, the daughter of church's pastor, told FOXNews.com the group canceled the protests in exchange for an hour of radio time Thursday on syndicated talk-show host Mike Gallagher's radio program.

"We're not going to any of the Amish funerals — that's the agreement we're making — that we won't go to any of them," Phelps-Roper told FOXNews.com.

On Tuesday, the church posted a flyer touting the demonstrations in response to the attendance of Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell, who has spoken out against the church publicly. Both Amish and non-Amish residents of Lancaster County — where the shooting took place — have vowed to not allow any protesters anywhere near the funeral services; Rendell called the church members "insane."

Phelps-Roper, daughter of Rev. Fred Phelps, said the church had planned to cancel the protests if given media time on radio and television as a platform to espouse Westboro's beliefs.
Gallagher said that church officials would have to sign a document making them liable for the airtime if they broke their promise not to demonstrate.

"It's awful for me to give up an hour of my radio show ... but I think it’s worth the sacrifice to keep them away," Gallagher said.

But she defended the church's initial decision to protest at the Amish girls' funerals.

"Those Amish people, everyone is sitting around talking about those poor little girls — blah, blah, blah — they brought the wrath upon themselves," Phelps-Roper said, adding that the Amish "don't serve God, they serve themselves."

On Monday, Charles Carl Roberts IV killed five girls — Naomi Rose Ebersole, 7; Anna Mae Stoltzfus, 12; Marian Fisher, 13; Mary Liz Miller, 8; and her sister Lena Miller, 7 — in a rural Amish schoolhouse in Lancaster County, Pa.

Donald Kraybill, a professor of sociology at Elizabethtown College in Lancaster County, Pa., calls the church's plans a publicity stunt.

"I don't think there's any connection between the Amish incident and their agenda. They just want to get in the spotlight," Kraybill said. "It's giving them national attention and it's a cheap and easy and really terrible way to gain some visibility."

The church's latest flyer, posted on its Web site notes these protests will be against Rendell for "slanderous" statements against the church.

Westboro's latest rhetoric is in line with the other beliefs of it's 70 church members, who hold that the deaths of U.S. troops are God's punishment for America's tolerance of homosexuality.

The Westboro Baptist Church has made its name demonstrating at the funerals of soldiers killed in the Iraq war. Their controversial and colorful placards proclaim their anti-gay stance with slogans such as "Thank God for Dead Soldiers," "America Is Doomed" and "Soldier Fag in Hell."

Before it garnered national attention, the church made its name around Kansas, where 16 years ago, it started protested the funerals of AIDS victims. And while their demonstrations of late have focused on the funerals of U.S. soldiers, Westboro church members have taken their picket signs to the memorials for the 12 Sago miners who perished in January in West Virginia.

Conservative radio host Mike Gallagher negotiating with the church may have been considered a heroic thing if I wasn't convinced that this guy is actually a member of Westboro Baptist -

Mike Gallagher

Religious Rage-o-meter

What's pissing religious fanatics off today?














Muslims:
MTV's My Super Sweet 16 -
54%

Humor -
26%

Fuck man, just about everything -
20%


Christians:
Scientific facts -
63%

Justin Timberlake, for bringing sexy back -
27%

"The Gays" -
10%

The Diary of Fools Online College Graduation Guide: Chapter One - Moving Back Home

Congratulations! Against all conventional wisdom, you’ve decided to graduate from college! So what now, you ask? Get a job? Buy a house? Start planning your financial future? Whoa, slow down, Johnny Wall Street! First, it’s time to spend a few depressing, disillusioning months/years living in your mother’s basement. This is a very important transitional period for new grads used for “figuring shit out.”

“Moving back home after graduation may seem like a step backwards for many graduates,” says Bill McClurgen, CEO of CareerBonanza.com, “but it is an important phase. During their time in college, students develop a sheltered sense of idealism and invincibility. That sense is immediately shattered to hell the first time they get scolded by mother to make their bed.”

Reverting from complete freedom to moving back in with your mom as a 22 year-old adult may strike you as somewhat depressing. In all actuality, it’s much, much more depressing than you ever imagined.

Shortly after making the move back home, graduates will start to notice an almost immediate decline in their self-confidence, social life and general hygiene. This is to be completely expected. After all, just two weeks ago you were rolling on ecstasy while having a threesome with a teacher’s assistant and a Mexican hotel maid in Cancun. Tonight, you will be sitting at home watching a CSI marathon with your parents and going to sleep underneath your X-Men sheets.

So, is there a way to avoid this terrifying living situation? Well, some people will tell you that preparation for life after college starts during college. These people are in fact, douche bags. Feel free to key their car. Let’s face it, while you were in college you were too busy trying to figure out if the Transsexual Native American Literature course you took satisfied your Multi-cultural Gender Sensitivity Awareness and Tolerance requirement, or if you’d have to sign up for The History of Central American Hermaphrodite Midgets in the spring. If you had used the remaining time in your schedule to start hashing out your post-graduate plans, it wouldn’t have left you much time to build your 3-story beer bong, now would it?

Like the majority of college graduates, you will have very little idea of how you actually plan to apply your degree to the professional world when you graduate. Combine that with your diminished bank account and lease that ran out 3 weeks ago, and conditions are ripe for moving back in with your parents.

When making the transition back to your parent’s house, it is important that they understand that you are now an adult and that you expect to be treated in kind. Declare your newfound adult status by sitting your parents down to share your expectations and ground rules for the duration of your stay in their home. Just kidding. As long as you’re living under their roof you’ll do what they say. If you were such an “adult” you’d have your own place, now wouldn’t you? Now shut off that goddamn TV and help your father trim the hedges in the backyard! Your parents didn’t spend their retirement fund to put you through college so you could watch DVDs all day and treat their house like a goddamn Radisson! And are those dirty dishes in your bedroom? They better be in the dishwasher in 5 minutes or else somebody loses car privileges for the week!

OK, so maybe you should forget about being treated like an adult. In order to keep your sanity while replaying all the same scenes you had with your parents in high school, it’s important that you plan a daily routine for yourself. This will help you maintain focus and energy while also keeping your mind off the fact that your life has lost all purpose and is now seen as a mockery of the human creation in the eyes of God.

Here is a sample schedule that may work for you*:

8:00am: Woken up by mother

8:48am: Woken up by mother again, this time by her flickering lights on and off and obnoxiously pounding on the door while announcing that you are “burning daylight.”

9:01am: Stare blankly at self in bathroom mirror, attempting to pinpoint the exact moment when it all went horribly, horribly wrong.

9:04am: gentle sobbing/shameful reflection (morning session)

9:30am: Frosted Flakes!

10:00am – 1:00pm: Job search/resume creation/Internet porn/Internet porn

1:01pm: delete www.bigoldtitties.com from internet history.

1:02 pm: gentle sobbing/shameful reflection (afternoon session)

1:30pm: Hot Pockets!

2:00pm – 5:00pm: Interview for humiliatingly menial jobs that barely necessitate a frontal lobe, let alone a college degree.

5:00pm – 12:00am: Drive to former campus, drink heavily, pick fight with varsity quarterback

12:00am: pass out in a pool of vomit, humiliation, and broken dreams.

*It must be noted that this schedule is just a loose guideline and must be tailored to fit the needs of the individual. For example, maybe you’d prefer drinking heavily in the morning and devoting an entire afternoon to gentle sobbing/shameful reflection. Experiment to find what schedule works best for you – and have fun!

(Figure 1.0)
Unfortunately, your parents aren't the only people that will treat you like you're in high school again - so will women.

**In the time it took you to read this, Wilt Chamberlin would have slept with your girl three times.

There comes a point in every graduate’s life where a decision must be made. Should you continue living with your parents, where meals are prepared and rent is free, but dignity is scarce and women are to be found only on Cinemax between 11pm – 3am? Or should you move to gain your independence while acquiring the career and financial responsibilities you’ve been avoiding your whole life?

Generally, the time frame that separates “temporarily pathetic” to “lost cause” is about two years. If you’ve been out of school for more than two years and you’re still living with your parents, save yourself some time by immediately growing a ponytail and handing in an application to your local video game/comic book store. Then, proceed to have your genitals removed and donated to science. By choosing not to move out, you will have all but destroyed any chance at regaining a healthy social life, while increasing the probability that you will most likely become a serial killer.

If you do plan on getting laid again, it is imperative that you find a way to move into a place of your own. One way to produce the income necessary to achieve this is by being a bony, no-talent, trust-fund slut (figure 1.1).
(Figure 1.1)


Another way is by getting a job. In the upcoming installments of the Diary of Fools Online College Graduation Guide, we will cover the steps necessary to finding employment that will allow you to say goodbye to your mom’s basement, and hello to your very own roach-infested studio apartment.

Welcome to the Diary of Fools Online College Graduation Guide!

Graduating from college can be a trying ordeal (i.e. soul-crushing disaster). And while there seems to be an abundance of advice for high school graduates and new college students, college grads are often ignored. That's why the Diary of Fools is happy to present our ongoing Online College Graduation Guide. Our writing team of embittered college graduates will guide you through everything from moving back in with your parents, to dealing with a useless major and coping with the indignities of entry-level positions.

The Diary of Fools Online College Graduation Guide - Introduction: A Commencement Day Speech to my Alma Mater by Blaine Fridley

Ladies and Gentlemen, faculty and staff, graduates of St Cloud State University. It is truly an honor and a pleasure to be back at the same venerable, state-run institution that provided me with so many incredible memories and learning experiences. In fact, I don’t believe it would be an overstatement to say that this school played a large part in making me what I am today. It was this school that let me stand on my own two feet and live independently for the first time. It was this school that taught me how to think critically and study the world around me. And it was this school that provided me with the opportunity to witness the glory of three girls making out at the same time. I think it’s safe to say that without my bachelor’s degree from St Cloud State University, I most likely would be struggling to survive, living life well below the poverty line instead of barely hovering above it, one dentist bill away from government cheese.

4 ½ to 7 years ago, you all arrived on this campus for many different reasons. Some of you may be the first generation to graduate in your family, your diploma symbolizing the culmination of a dream your parents envisioned for you before you were even born. For others, college offered the perfect opportunity to experiment with enormous amounts of drugs, alcohol and sex under the guise of pursuing a degree in 19th century Russian literature. Some of you even came to this university to become gym teachers, and for some unFUCKINGbelievable reason they made you spend thousands of dollars for a degree in scooter-soccer.

No matter how you got here, however, you now stand on the brink of true responsibility and adulthood, known by many as the real world. Ideally, your time at this university prepared you with the knowledge and tools you’ll need to become a success in the real world. More than likely, though, your time here has taught you 3 chords on the guitar, how to execute a keg stand, and if the captain of the girl’s rugby team is the only woman left in the bar at closing time, how many whiskey Cokes it takes to convince yourself that she doesn’t have a penis. In college, these skills will carry you to inspiring heights. In the real world, those same skills translate to middle management and a previously-owned Dodge Neon.

You see, passing into the real world involves sacrifice, with very little, or in many cases, no payoff. Most things that you hold dear in college life will not be able to pass with you into the real world. Bar skanks dancing on table tops? Binge drinking on a Tuesday night? Expect to trade those in for Barb from Accounts Payable and AA Meetings. Your closet will become inexplicably filled with Hagar Wrinkle-Free Slacks and golf shirts, while your idealism will soon be replaced with job insecurity. Thursday afternoons of big bong rips and Nintendo will become a thing of the past, your days now consumed with team-building seminars and office cake parties. Graduates of St Cloud State University, as you sit here today at the crossroads of college life and the real world, I implore you to take the time to look deep inside and contemplate -- why in God’s name would you voluntarily leave this morally decrepit, liquor-fueled Disneyland?

The real world is out there, people. It's waiting for you. It does not fear your idealism or your 4-year bachelor’s degree in computer graphics. I know some of you have worked extremely hard for this degree, and your confidence is high. But make no mistake, there’s very little in the real world that this piece of paper will give you control over. It’s kind of like diligently preparing yourself to pass the driver’s exam only to have your parents hand you the keys to a rusted out Geo Metro with no breaks and a missing steering wheel. Good luck trying to parallel park that fucker.

If you’ve been paying attention to the world around you in between body shots and STD tests, you may have noticed that previous generations of college graduates have screwed affairs rather badly up until now. Don’t get me wrong, there have been accomplishments. I mean, TiVO is pretty cool, but as a whole, we have failed to realize our potential. Peace still eludes us in the Middle East, greed and corruption control the highest posts of our government, and CEOs value the price of their stock over the well-being of their own workers. These people obviously did not stay in school long enough. A few more years of ethics courses and bong loads would have done these people wonders.

Many people will tell you that without a career, your life will lack definition. These people are wrong. Few things are more noble than a life dedicated to scholarship. For most, a job simply acts as a measuring tool that tells people just how much you fear poverty and what you’re willing to do to avoid it. Take myself, for example. I'm a customer service rep for a large company, not because it best defines who I am, but because I thought it out and came to the conclusion that it would be slightly less degrading than giving $2 tug jobs at freeway rest stops.

People, what I’m trying to say is simple. Look around you. It will never get any better than this. NEVER. While it is natural to think that there is more to life than what you are doing now, I implore you to take my word – there isn’t! So on this day, the day of your graduation, I will tell you this: be proud of what you have accomplished so far, receive your diploma, thank your parents for the help and celebrate. Then, tomorrow, wipe the sleep out of your eyes, get dressed, and march down to the admin building to hand in your application for grad school.

The Intellectual Scrapheap: Not-so-deep thoughts from the mind of Blaine Fridley

Is it just me, or does Rosie O'Donnell look like a huge midget?

Hell's iPod

A look into what the eternally damned are being forced to listen to in the bubbling cauldrons of hell...

1) Evanscence - "Call Me when You're Sober"
2) Paris Hilton - "Stars are Blind"
3) Nick Lachey - "What's Left of Me"
4) Nickelback - "Savin' Me"
5) Shakira - "Hips Don't Lie"
6) Ashley Parker Angel - "Let You Go"
7) Jessica Simpson - "A Public Affair"
8) Sean Paul - "Give It Up to Me"
9) Brooke Hogan w/ Paul Wall - "About Us"*
10) Dem Franchise Boyz - "I Think Dey Like Me"

*Repeated play of this song as an interrogation technique is considered a war crime as outlined by the Geneva Convention.

The Day I Lost Faith in Humanity, part III

As further proof that corporations are not only catering to the lowest common denominator, but in a feverish race to create the lowest lowest common denominator possible, Oscar Mayer has come out with this brilliant new product. Read about it here as announced by Meatnews.com. Even more disturbing than the Oscar Mayer product is the existence of a publication called Meatnews, but that's a whole other entry.

OSCAR MAYER UNVEILS INNOVATIVE NEW PRODUCT
UNITED STATES: Oscar Mayer introduces Fast Franks, ready-to-eat hot dog in a bun.

Thirty-five seconds is all it takes now to prepare a hot dog. Thanks to Oscar Mayer Fast Franks, convenience is the name of the game as it now offers individually wrapped hot dogs in buns. Each hot dog is ready to pop right into the microwave, bun and all, courtesy of an Oscar Mayer patented microwavable tray that is designed to heat the bun so it's soft and warm--while at the same time fully cooking the hot dog.

Oscar Mayer has already proved itself in the hot dog industry with various products over the years including wieners, beef franks, corn dogs, cheese dogs, and XXL hot dogs.

"I think when most people think of hot dogs, they think Oscar Mayer," Natalie Mitchell, public relations spokesperson for Oscar Mayer Fast Franks, tells MeatNews.

Mitchell thinks this is a unique product in the hot dog industry. "What really sets it apart is the patented tray, designed to cook the dog just right," Mitchell said.
Oscar Mayer Fast Franks, available in meat wieners and beef franks, are in select stores now with full distribution anticipated for mid-August. Packages contain three hot dogs and buns and retail for $2.79 to $2.99 per package.

Finally, gone are the days when I had to schedule my whole day around hot dog preparation! Thank you Oscar Mayer! When I get the urge for pork/beef/poultry/raccoon bi-products and unpronounceable additives, I need them now!

Here's how this amazing new product compares with the old "snail" dog:

New:
1) Unwrap individually wrapped hot dog/bun
2) Put in Microwave
Total time: 45 seconds

Old:
1) Unwrap hot dog
2) Put in Microwave
3) Remove bun from bag, open bun (Jeez! The new product is worth it already!)
4) Put hot dog in bun
Total time: 50 seconds

This is great news, American public! With the 5 seconds you saved with Oscar Mayer's Fast Franks, you have even more time to discuss your favorite douche bag American Idol performer.

News Break

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice reacts after Lebanese Prime Minister Fouad Siniora inquires on whether the "sweetness of the juice" is indeed directly related to the "darkness of the berry".

The Day I Lost Faith in Humanity, Part II

This is an actual warning label from a Tupperware container I use to keep dog food in.
Sadly, if I knew just how many parents decided not to store their baby in a Tupperware container as a result of seeing this warning label, I probably would've shot myself in the face by now.

The Day I Lost Faith in Humanity, Part 1

Xtreme things to do today:

1) Scale Mt. Everest
2) Jump over Grand Canyon on flaming unicycle
3) Purchase and consume white bread