This Day in SPORTS! History

Milwaukee Brewers vs. New York Yankees, 1976
With two on and two out in the bottom of the 9th inning, Brewers 3rd baseman Don Money's deep fly ball disappears into Oscar Gamble's afro for a ground rule double, scoring the winning run and securing a series split for Milwaukee.

This Day In History: May 21st

1927: Charles Lindbergh landed the Spirit of St. Louis near Paris, completing the first solo airplane flight across the Atlantic Ocean. Upon touching down, he immediately made a beeline for les toiléttés, and set a second "longest" world record: Continuous Urination.


1956: The United States exploded the first airborne hydrogen bomb over Bikini Atoll in the Pacific, thus beginning the dick-waving pissing contest known as "The Arms Race," and ending the peaceful island vacation of an unsuspecting George and Myrtle Collins of Two Rivers, Kentucky.


1979: Former San Francisco City Supervisor Dan White is convicted of voluntary manslaughter in the shooting deaths of Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk. White's argument that junk food had fueled his rampage was derided as the "Twinkie defense." His conviction immediately stops any other shady attorneys from ever again attempting to claim their clients aren't guilty because of similar unrelated and laugh-out-loud ridiculous made-up maladies.

This Day in History

1972
The Rolling Stones released "Exile on Main St.", considered by fans to be their best album of all-time. It's rumored that if played backwards, all of Keith Richards' vocal parts on the album can be heard in flawless King's English.


1982
With help from his trusty utility belt, Pope John Paul II escaped a knifing by a Spanish priest while visiting the shrine of Fatima in Portugal.

(Above) The attack as captured by the Vatican's in-house sketch artist.

This Day in History

1977
Seattle Slew takes the Kentucky Derby on his way to winning horse racing's Triple Crown and ultimately, America's heart. Endorsements piled up. Fast women with a hunger for celebrity stalked him at every turn. And it seemed he couldn't walk a block without someone offering him a drink and a snort. When you're a champion, everybody loves you. Everybody, it seemed, except the beloved celebrEquine himself.

His slide was fast and severe. After two weeks of abysmal ratings, CBS cancelled his weekly variety show. Two weeks after that Buick dropped its endorsement deal when sexually explicit photos taken of the horse and Mick Jagger at Studio 54 were leaked. He cycled in and out of treatment and rehab facilities in an attempt to exorcise the demons and get himself clean. In his final days, friends said he seemed changed. Ready to reclaim the glory, he had scheduled a series of minor circuit races to get himself in shape for another run at the Triple Crown. And then, tragedy: 3 days after winning the Kenosha Cup - his first taste of victory in over a year - Tatum O'Neil found him unresponsive on the bathroom floor of a Hollywood Blvd. motel room. Seattle Slew was pronounced dead later that day, forever a lesson on the trappings of fame.

This Day in History

1626
Dutch explorer Peter Minuit landed on what is now Manhattan. 6 hours later, Minuit was broke, on his 4th roommate and his fucking cab driver still hadn't found a way to get him crosstown.

1961
Freedom Riders in Washington, D.C. boarded buses headed for New Orleans to challenge racial segregation in transit terminals and on interstate buses. Well, all except for 37-year-old U.S. Postal employee Orvil LaRouche, who unfortunately thought he was just catching the J4 bus to his aunt's house in Bethesda.

This Day in History

2008

Danica Patrick captures the Indy Japan 300, becoming the first female winner in IndyCar history. The reverberations of the historic win are felt not only in the world of auto racing but through society as a whole, with Patrick proving to millions of young girls that with a little hard work, intelligence and dedication, they can achieve greatness on their own merits without lowering their standards or cheapening their accomplishments by acquiescing to our hardon-driven society's demand for tits and ass.

Gloria sez: "You make me proud, kid."

This Day in History

1513:
On a mission to find the "Fountain of Youth", Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon lands in Florida with no way of knowing the incredible irony involved in looking for such a thing in a land that would eventually become the place where people go to shop for jogging suits, eat 3:30 p.m dinners and become increasingly irritated with modern technology while waiting to die.

1872:

Samuel F.B. Morse, developer of the electric telegraph, died at age 80.

1917:
President Woodrow Wilson asked Congress to declare war against Germany, saying, "The world must be made safe for democracy," which of course, after WWI, it like, totally was.

Today's Celebrity Birthday:

Roselyn Sanchez. The Puerto Rican actress turns 37 today, allowing us to gratuitously post these pictures.

Happy birthday!

This Day in History

1965
Much to the chagrin of folk music purists, Bob Dylan's first album featuring electric guitar, "Bringing It All Back Home," was released. When asked about the criticism, an obviously irritated Dylan shot back: "... [unintelligible]!"

Several days later, dogs and cats started living with each other.

1972
The Equal Rights Amendment - designed to prohibit discrimination based on sex by any law or action of any government - is approved by Congress with 84 voting "yes" for the passage and 8 voting "I'm an asshole".

1987
A barge carrying 3,200 tons of garbage left Islip, N.Y., on a six-month journey in search of a place to unload. Unable to find a sufficient dump site, the barge full of garbage was permanently anchored in New York Harbor. Staten Island is born.

This Day in History

1909
Einar Dessau of Denmark used a shortwave transmitter to converse with a government radio post about six miles away in what's believed to have been the first broadcast by a "ham" operator. During the several minute long exchange, the 37 year old Dessau spoke mostly of his mother and how unfair it was for her to impose a curfew and to not allow him to hang his posters in the basement.

Hey! Mother says ham radio operators are cool…

…

…

…

oh.

1974
Most of the Arab oil-producing nations ended their embargo against the United States. Coinciding with that announcement, GM introduced the Buick ENORMO, a 26-foot-long luxury cruiser made with the melted down bodies of 11 AMC Gremlins.

Today's Celebrity Birthday

Country crooner Charley Pride turns 72. People call Jackie Robinson courageous for breaking baseball's color barrier. Fuck that. Dude took the easy route.

Try going here…

… to win over this fan base:

Balls. Fucking large ones.

This Day in History

44 B.C.
Roman dictator Julius Caesar was assassinated by a group of nobles that included Brutus and Cassius. Both would walk free, however, after this composite police sketch of the suspect was released:

1820
Maine became the 23rd state, a move that wouldn't pay dividends for the U.S. until 139 years later, when on November 28, 1959, The Pine Tree State gave us our greatest national treasure, Judd Asher Nelson.

1875
The Roman Catholic Archbishop of New York City, John "Handsy" McCloskey, was named the first American cardinal by Pope Pius IX.

(Above) McCloskey arriving to church.

This Day in SPORTS! History

1975

The St. Louis Cardinals place Rich Folkers on the 30-day Disabled List after the veteran lefty aggravates a slipped disc in his back during a Topps baseball card photo shoot.

(Above) Rich Folkers' 1975 Topps baseball card. 2 hours after posing for the card, a groundskeeper would find Folkers still on the field and in this exact same position.

This Day in History

1876
The first successful voice transmission over Alexander Graham Bell's telephone took place in Boston as his assistant heard Bell say, "Mr. Watson, come here. I want you."

Later that day, Mr. Watson fielded another call from a heavy-breathing unidentified male (presumably Bell, though, despite being the sole possessor of the technology, he would later act surprised and deny it when confronted by his assistant) asking, "so... what are you wearing?"

1997
"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" debuted on the WB network. Could it possibly clear the exceptionally high bar already set at the upstart network by such stalwart programming as "The Parent 'Hood", "The Wayans Bros.", "Kirk" or "Sister, Sister"? Only time would tell.

This Day in History - March 8 (Good Decisions Edition)

1917 - The United States Senate votes to limit filibusters by adopting the cloture rule.

Of course, as we now know, this forever ended any issues that body may have had
concerning delays on passage of legislation due to one party's blockages,
or the other's ability to achieve a majority vote. Good job!

1965 - The United States lands approxomately 3,500 Marines in South Vietnam.

Within two weeks, U.S. military superiority forced the tumultuous conflict to a swift
and decisive end. American casualties were extremely minimal, and the personnel
involved received a heroes' welcome upon their near-universal return. Awesome!

2008 - President George W. Bush vetoes a bill that would have banned the CIA from using simulated drowning and other coercive interrogation methods to gain information from suspected terrorists.

Through the simple use of creatively applied linguistics, practices like
waterboarding, threats, intimidation and sleep deprivation are found NOT
to be "torture." Subsequently, these practices result in the government's
discovery of reams and reams of intelligence, and the eventual
end of the political practice of terrorism. Way to go!

This Day in History: March 1st

1565 - The Portugese establish the city of Rio de Janeiro proper. - Or, as it becomes known among the locals, "Cidade Maravilhosa." (Loosely translated: "No Fatties, Please.")

The lost 11th Commandment: "Thou Shalt Not Be a Tub of Shit."

1790 - In order to better know the ever-expanding population it was set up to serve, the United States Government authorizes the first Census.



1961 - JFK establishes the Peace Corps and that there is, indeed, a party in his pants.

"Ich bin ein geschwollen."

This Day in History

1983
A congressional commission released a report condemning the internment of Japanese-Americans during World War II as a "grave injustice."

Other major findings from the report:

•Trail of Tears: "kind of a dick move"
•Abe Lincoln: "wicked tall"
•Ice Cream: "delicious"

1997
The Food and Drug Administration named six different birth control brands as safe and effective "morning-after" pills for preventing pregnancy before adding, "failing that, jumping up and down for 30 seconds immediately after doin' it should totally work, too."

2007
The Virginia General Assembly passed a resolution [VJR-728- SOWE'RECOOLNOWRIGHT?] expressing "profound regret" for the state's role in slavery.

This Day in History: February 22

At the end of the day, the Diary of Fools sees ourselves as an educational tool. The power of the internet to educate is unparalleled, and we want to use that power for the betterment of upcoming generations.

So, in an attempt to reach out to the scholastic community, today's "This Day in History" installment has been guest-written by Spencer Melman, an eighth-grader from Roosevelt Junior High in Johnsburg, Colorado. We supplied him with the day's events, and let him "fill in the blanks" using the tools and skills he's been taught by the American Public School system. I trust you'll all make him feel very welcome.

Take it away, Spencer!

Here's Spencer, smiling proudly in this year's school portrait.

1732: George Washington, first President of the United States, was born in the Virginia Colony.

ok i remeber him then he choped down like a penut tree with i thnk his woodin teeth or something exept then he dident lie bout it and then he inventted penut butter then after that

geoarge washington is dead now and he is on are money

1865: The state of Tennessee adopts a new constitution abolishing slavery.

dood slavory was totaly mest up i can't beleve white ppl pwnd black ppl and made em pick cotin and stuff why dident they just say NO and run away?? i bet they'd be fast like the fastst kid at my scool his nameis damian mitchell and hes black and he runs like really fast he set a recerd for track at scool

1987: Pop artist Andy Warhol dies at age 58.

ok i neveer herd o that gu b4 wat do U mean a POP artist liek what he dezined soda flavers or some thing LOL is he the d00d who desided that doctor peper has prunes in it? its totaly true bobby maggiano told me that a kid at his old scool DIED cuz he wouldent drink any thing but docter peper and then he pooped hmself to deth and thats why i don't ever drink that crap

wait can i say crap ???

crap crap fuck fuck fuckfuckfuckCFUCK ASSASS@$$@$$@$$ bghrtw i56 7ºyjny8oi79ut bbbbbbbbllbbbbbbbb!!!!!1111111 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAaaaa




ps hayley donely smelss liek brokoly fart

This Day in History

1947

The Voice of America begins broadcasting in the Soviet Union with the debut of the program Stalin Rapes Your Kitten.

1976
The Eagles release Their Greatest Hits (1971-75), easily outselling Seals and Crofts' Sadly,The Best They Could Do (1969-1974)

1992
Serial Killer Jeffrey Dahmer was sentenced in Milwaukee to life in prison/death by inmate shanking, whichever came first.

Today's Celebrity Birthday
39 years ago, actress Denise Richards is pushed through the loins of the demon goddess from whence she was conceived.

This Day in History

1989
The Soviet Union announced that the last of its troops had left Afghanistan after a fruitless, financially devastating and psychologically damaging 9-year occupation that would ultimately play a part in the superpower's demise several years later and serve as a lesson to would-be occupiers that even with sophisticated weaponry, superior training and billions and billions of dollars, military victory against an impassioned enemy practicing guerrilla warfare in rugged, mountainous, nearly uninhabitable terrain is virtually imposs- what? What is it? I'm kinda busy here…

Uh-huh…
…
…

Really?? We are?
…
…

Well now how long has this been going on?
…

Almost NINE YEARS?! Motherffffffucker. *facepalm*

Today's Celebrity Birthday

Jane Seymour, actress ("Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman"), turns 59. While not the prolific boner producer she was in her prime, she definitely makes the most convincing argument yet for the viability of a Maxim for Seniors spin-off publication.

This Day in History

1972
McGraw-Hill Publishing Co. and Life magazine canceled plans to publish what turned out to be a fake autobiography of reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes. And though it did prove to be completely fraudulent, all involved agreed the chapter chronicling Howard's epic showdown with Mothra was still puhrrrretty kickass.

1975
Margaret Thatcher became the first woman to head a major party in Britain and the new go-to mental image for men looking to avoid premature ejaculation, replacing long-time favorite Eleanor Roosevelt.

2006
Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and wounded a companion during a quail hunt in Texas. Shooting his buddy in the face would immediately become - and remain - Cheney's least destructive act as Vice President.

Today's Celebrity Birthday
Actor/American Treasure Leslie Nielsen turns 84 today

Man, there's gotta be a way they can digitally replace OJ Simpson in these movies with Jim Brown or something…

"Where's Nordberg?"

"Uhh, he's right here."

Facking classic.

This Day in History

1922
President Warren G. Harding had a radio installed in the White House. Harding took an instant liking to the fledgling new medium, never missing an episode of his favorite program - The Texaco Theater's Happy Mammy Minstrel Hour

1993
General Motors sued NBC, alleging that the program "Dateline NBC" had rigged tests to show that GM trucks were prone to fires. On the bright side for NBC, Stone Phillips went on to win an Emmy for best stunt choreography in a weekly news magazine report: