I had a great time visiting Alaska, that was until I got shot by Crips.

Let me state first that: I love the good ol' US of A. I think it's the greatest country in the world. Having said that, I can't wait to move out of this Godforsaken pustule of a country. One might ask, "What, good sir, has your blood in such an uproar?". Well among many things that make me shake my head, one in particular came to my attention as I watched a recent episode of "Gangland" on the History Channel. This specific episode was centered on the migration of bloods and crips to Anchorage, Alaska.


That's right folks, Alaska.


It seems now that even moving to the ends of the Earth can't save you from a savage beating for looking at a thug the wrong way. The shocking fact is this; many of the gang members aren't from Alaska. I know many of you would say "So...?", but this points out the obvious fact that these anal fissures of society actually migrated 3000 miles from places like LA and New York to Anchorage.


Something tells me that they weren't seeking the depths of the human condition like Christopher McCandless. Nor were they trying to remove themselves from society, like they should. It could only be this blogger's hope that like the aforementioned McCandless,they got lost in the wilderness and succumbed to their own bravado, dying a slow painful death. I guess that's just the optimism I bring to the table. Of course none of this has happened. 30 years ago, the Alaska Pipeline was completed. With the flood of new oil came the flood of new money, and the gangs exploited the new low crime/high wealth region like, well, like gangs to a new low crime/high wealth region. How predictable.

I find the idea of a new community (and I use the term loosely) of Black and Latino Crips and Bloods managing to not only survive but thrive in the harsh Alaskan winters quite puzzling. I don't know about you, but visualizing being held up by a Crip from South Central who is shivering violently while wearing a wool turtle-neck under his FUBU parka, a blue bandanna over a ski mask and barely making out the word "Homes" is kinda cute. Not to mention the fact that he is doing so as a family of Kodiak bears is foraging in the snow covered woods behind him. Of course the AK-47 in his hands would require cooperation from my end. Point goes to you, sir thug.

My laughter at this program stopped when I actually realized the scope of what was going on. These assholes brought with them the same drugs, the same guns and the same "gang-life" mentality that is destroying the inner cities of LA and New York. Honest, hard-working people are no longer safe from the drudges of human society. Alaska needs a super-hero, and something tells me it won't be this guy.



(I realize my Windows Paint skillz need work. But I think it's funny, so fuck you.)

Friday Funk- The Sylvers with a little bonus Dilla love.

"We Can Make It If We Try"


"Only One Can Win"


Which of course inspired this golden piece of hip-hoppery.


Which then leads to this, Dilla's new album available for Download.

We love you Readers, have a pretty reckless weekend.

This Day in History: May 29

1790: Rhode Island arrives fashionably late to become the last of the original 13 colonies to ratify the United States Constitution. Typical Rhode Island. It thinks it's soooo cool.

1990: After a wild, week-long, vodka-soaked bender, Boris N. Yeltsin woke up to find he had been elected president of the Russian republic. Some crazy shit, comrade. Crazy shit.

1848: Following years of vociferously preaching the pressing importance of discount fireworks and higher quality cheese to the legitimacy of the fledgling democracy, President James Polk welcomed Wisconsin as the 30th state of the union.

Your Headlines for May 28, 2009

Your World. 

Our News.

99% Fact Free.

Entertainment

Jon Gosselin's Soul Pronounced Dead

Economy

Matthew McConaughey's Shirt Budget Falls Victim to Recession… With Sexy Results

Crime

Chris Brown Stabs Fast Food Employee
"I specifically asked for extra Arby's Sauce"

Duders, we are completely missing something here.

by Blaine Fridley, Music lover/keeper of a thick, full mustache

First off, full disclosure: I am far from a connoisseur of the vinyl recording. In fact, the last time I listened to a record before last night, I was probably 8 years old. And I greatly doubt that I cared about the warm, crackling, character-filled idiosyncrasies of the medium while I was blaring A Pink Panther Christmas at obnoxiously-high decibel levels. In July.

By the time I started to really listen to music, the industry had made the wholesale switch to CDs, and that's the format I used to gain the appreciation of music I have today. (My first CD? Living Colour's Stain. Not bad for a puss-faced 13 year-old.) Any records I did own had long since disappeared from the Goodwill shelves.

But last week in a fit of eBay-induced sentimentality, I purchased the very same record player I used to test the limits of parental sanity by spinning songs of Christmas cheer in the sweltering mid-summer heat: a late 70s/early 80s Fisher Price Portable (with era-appropriate burnt orange/chain-smoker yellow/poop brown color scheme). I also made sure to buy some albums, the first of which - Dirty Mind, Prince's 1980 masterpiece - was waiting for me in the mail last night when I returned from work. [note: I'll be addressing the completely underrated awesomeness of Dirty Mind in a later post]

After completing my usual evening routine (15 minutes of gentle sobbing followed by naked deep-knee bends in the sauna for an oddly appreciative audience at the local gym) I eagerly tore into the package, removed the thin black plate from the jacket, fired up that old familiar Fisher Price Portable and OH, THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND!

Let me just say: friends of the DoF, throw out your iPods.

Just kidding.

It sounded like shit.

And of course, iPods are awesome.

The Internet has created a music lover's dream that can only end with messed bed sheets. You can listen to any motherlovin' piece of music you can dream of. Instantly. And for free.

Now I know Steve Albini analog-loving nerds everywhere will feverishly disagree, but if you really want to hear everything a song has to offer, to me, there's no replacement for a digital recording played on a professional-quality system (any strong rebuttals are welcome as always. Just make sure they're strong. Or else I'm swatting that weak shit outta here like Dikembe).

But with that said, I have to say I thoroughly loved the entire experience, and I can see why vinyl record retailers continue to do strong business despite the fact that they're peddling an antiquated product.

The experience proved to be almost exactly what vinyl geeks have shamelessly and somewhat obnoxiously preached to me for years.

It was more personal. Since the records themselves are susceptible to the elements, each individual copy of an album is going to sound slightly different as it gets scratched-up, the grooves start to wear and the record itself expands and contracts with the conditions. Add to that the variables of needle and stereo quality and every record is going to sound a little different. So it's kind of like getting your own personal performance with each record.

I also found myself paying more attention to the music itself, and began to see the value of appreciating a song as part of a whole, as opposed to just a 99-cent single.

With no distractions, I lost myself in the long-lost ritual of listening to records. I read the liner notes from top to bottom (and was amazed to learn that Prince wrote, produced, composed and performed everything on that album) and studied the cover art (which in this case is pretty much admitting to a quiet night at home with some tasteful softcore gay porn*).

*not that there's anything wrong with that.

It was totally engrossing. Even the tinny toy speakers - um, make that speaker - and alternating slightly-too-fast and slightly-too-slow record speed added, and even magnified, Mr. Rogers Nelson's signature wanked-out supersexxxed space alien synth-soul sound. No, it wasn't close to the truest representation of the music, but that's what made it worthwhile (getting back to that "each record is like your own personal performance" thing I was talking about).

Yup, even on that 30-year old toy store record player it was evident that records should regain a spot in my music collection along side stacks of CDs and hard drives full of MP3s.

Advertising Sucks. Vol 1.

By Reno Gruber, Shameful owner of an Advertising Degree from a second-rate public college.


Dear Nationwide Insurance,

Fuck your ads.

Lets just stick with that as the thesis statement.

A few years back you began running national spots that were moderately funny (at best.) The rest of you may remember the Kevin Federline Super Bowl ad.


Super Bowl 2007 - Kevin Federline Superbowl Ad - Funny videos are here

Besides the glaring problem with giving a colostomy bag of Federline's ilk tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars for a stupid Ad, you wasted an opportunity to seriously roast an infamous personality and fuck it up by going out of your way to be bland and predictable. Right in the middle of the "K-Fed is the world's biggest rapeblanket" phenomena of 2006/2007, your best and brightest Ad men come up with him... flipping burgers. Original. All the while dreaming of his Rap superstardom. It was like striking out during slow pitch softball and straining your oblique muscles. And maybe shitting your pants. I don't know.

You then bought the rights to the second tier NASCAR series (formerly the Busch Series,) and renamed it the Nationwide series. Again, you suck, but relatively harmless. Affixing yourself to NASCAR will always get a thumbs down, with accompanying fart noise from Reno, but you could do worse.

And you did.

Nationwide then became the sponsor for the TBS sitcom "My Boys." The show is centered on a female sportswriter named PJ who lives in Chicago and writes about the Cubs, and her group of male friends. Kinda like a blander, gang-bangier version of "Friends." Again, sounds harmless. Stupid, but harmless.

However, by becoming the sponsor of the show this season you were apparently given the 'all systems go' to integrate yourself in the most audacious product placement throughout all aspects of the show.

This is where I must admit I've watched the show. That's fine, if you read enough of my bullshit you get that I'm obsessed with awful Television. At one point in the third or fourth episode, two characters literally have a conversation in a bar about how excellent your services are. Then went right back into their episode arch.

Then you throw in this little gem.



Understandably, your advertisers must now be very creative with their message since so many people own recording devices that skip right past your expensive spots. Knowing nobody wants to pay any more for the filth they already consume, lets assume we all get why TV has ads. Technology has aided our never-ending pursuit to abolish these nuisances, but you wizards on Madison Avenue will never just lay down.

Almost every show now uses product placement. Smart shows (most memorably Arrested Development and Burger King) figure out a way to do it comically over-the-top. 30 Rock did it a number of times this season as well. Some shows do it quietly with merely having the characters use the item joyfully and "naturally."

But watching these pathetic attempts made me actually make mental note to avoid your company by all costs. I'm happy that you have helped Columbus, Ohio become the 15th biggest market because of your central office there. You helped bring them an NHL team. I'm familiar with your work. Fuck you all the same, kind sirs or madams.

Then I saw your recent National campaign. The age old "Sprint" commercials, with real (usually low-level) employees talking frankly on camera about the level of old-fashioned customer service they lovingly give to each and every lucky soul that calls you.

The very idea of trying to pass this at a time where phone support is universally regarded as increasingly rage inducing at nearly exponential rates is short-sided enough to mock.

But the idea of putting either A) A man with Asperger's syndrome or B) A registered pedophile (you choose) is both odd, frightening, and all too ironic to point out any better than it does for itself in the ad below.


Worst case scenario? I'm a dick for making fun of a dude with Asperger's syndrome. I can live with that. That still can't cover up the fact that a man who is supposed to help us with a probable crisis (why else does one call their insurance agent?) has a disease that makes him particularly inept at communication.

Nationwide. Seriously. Fire everyone. Start over. Maybe just go back to the dated K-Fed commercials and slink slowly back into the night.

Thanks a bunch,

Reno Gruber

This day in Internet Awesomeness (aka Jimmy Fallon does good, finally.)

All it took was the Beasties doing a classic with the best house band ever created backing them up.

Watch it now before the NBC nazis take it down off youtube.

Straight, No Chaser with PEter the Swede:

A regular feature intended to cut through the front page bullshit and add a little flava' to the DoF's white northerner stew… ummm, courtesy of a translucent Scandinavian dude whose house practically kisses the Arctic Circle. Yeah, I know. We're working on it.

"Isaias Afwerki VS. Dawit Isaak"

Dawit Isaak is a journalist, a writer and a playwright. He was born October 27th 1964. Twenty nine years later, his country would be declared the state of Eritrea after a long and bloody war for liberation. He came to Sweden as a refugee from the war in 1987. He lived in Lerum, worked as a cleaner and became a Swedish citizen in 1992.

When Eritrea gained independence, Dawit returned to his native country. He got married and had children. Eventually he became a part-owner of the country's first independent newspaper, Setit, where he came to work as a reporter. But the country's independence proved fragile: in 1998, the conflict with Ethiopia unexpectedly flared up again, leading to a devastating border war. Dawit returned to Sweden, preparing to bring his family to safety. His wife and three children followed in April 2000. They settled down in Gothenburg. One year later, Dawit again travelled to Eritrea.

That spring, Asmara was boiling with political activity. The border war had caused an intense political debate. A group of fifteen cabinet members demanded, among other things, democratic reforms and a thorough, objective evalutation of the events leading to the war. In May, when the demands of the fifteen dissidents had not gained a hearing, they put their critique on the internet in an open letter to the PFDJ (People's Front for Democracy and Justice) which is the only legal political entity in Eritrea. The letter was published by the free press, along with analyses, comments and interviews with several of the fifteen politicians. Then, while the international community turned its gaze toward the ruins of World Trade Centre, the government stroke back against the reformists. Within a few days, eleven of the fifteen politicians were arrested, as were ten of the leading journalists from the free press. Including Dawit Isaak, who was taken into custody an early Sunday morning, on 23 september 2001.

Today 2802 days later none of them has been either charged formally or given a fair trial. The journalists, as well as the politicians, have been branded as traitors; the journalists have also been accused of receiving financial aid from abroad - a crime according to the Eritrean press laws.

So far, neither his family nor Swedish authorities nor international human rights organizations have been allowed to visit him. The Eritrean authorities claim that Dawit is an Eritrean citizen only - not a Swedish citizen - and his case thus an internal affair.

The Swedish journalist Donald Boström got an exclusive interview with Isaias Afwerki, the leader of the PFDJ party and the president of Eritrea. see his coments about a journalist that chose to write freely and encouraged others to do the same...

PEter

MLB Patriotic hats update.

Apparently good sense and a Reno lashing goes a long way.

Yahoo reports MLB Pulls 'Chief Wahoo' Stars and Stripes cap

DoF Chat logs: Vol 1.

From time to time (fine, everyday) we distract each other from the soul-defeating realities of this world to cultivate laughter via email.

Not what you get here is pure gold, but there is at least some amethyst, or maybe quartz in these emails.

This is just a sampling.

Barry Metropolis: "I think we're the only ones that haven't started our holiday weekend yet.

BTW, what's up with only saying 'have a safe weekend' of the big three summer holidays? Are there an inordinate number of drunk people who don't wear their seat belts and exceed the speed limit over those weekends? Are there more 'I didn't know it was loaded' incidents? Are there more unprotected, one-night hookups?

I don't know about you guys, but I'm as (un)safe this weekend than any other."

Reno Gruber: "I think its code for 'Drunkenly Drive with caution.' I plan on getting taxis everywhere.

(Which itself is code for 'get my friends to drive drunk instead of me')"

Merton Sussex: "I guess statistically, on the BIG holidays, people do tend to booze it up a lot more heavily. The Milwaukee County Mass Transit System used to offer free bus rides on Memorial Day, the 4th of July, St. Paddy's, Labor Day, and New Year's. Of course, it being Milwaukee, this hardly made a dent in the DUI rate. But at least they made the effort. And it's not like people waited for decent holidays to obliterate themselves. Arbor Day was just as valid. Shit, TUESDAY even worked for most of 'em.

There's a lesson for all of us in there, I guess. It just depends on which direction you wanna go with it."

Reno: "The lesson I extract is if you're going to create a beer-laden environment, be prepared for drunks.

Most cities its a weekends deal. Milwaukee, it's a lifestyle."

Merton: "I love Wisconsin. I love coming here. I've performed here, a lot because I've discovered that you people apparently have some sort of federal grant for drinking. You're insane! You pay less for liquor than anybody I know anywhere else in the country. Nobody pays less for liquor than you. What are you? I don't know if you're using that farm subsidy money or if you're just hijacking liquor trucks, but this is fuckin' insane. Is it volume? It's unbe-fuckin'-lievable! It's staggering!

I come here because basically, if I spend four days drinking here, even with the plane ticket, it's cheaper than drinking in New York.

How do you know when it's New Year's? That's the big mystery to me. What's the difference? I've been in bars here, and it's like New Year's every fuckin' night! 'Oh, New Year's, that when we, uh, drink with hats on.'

I've been drunker here than anyplace else I've ever been in my life. And remember this: You are NOT alcoholics. You, and, my hat is off to you...You? You are professionals."

-Lewis Black.

Friday Funk:Black Moth Super Rainbow

Black Moth Super Rainbow


Rollerdisco





For those in the Greater Twin Cities Area, they are playing the (Triple Rock) tonight at 7.

Birds that go, "Twat"

My thanks to Taj's recent posts which helped to inspire this little ditty. Ever since the advent of the internet, Western culture has been privy to the...oddities of Japanese mainstream culture. And this now includes creating a brand milk that either tastes like fresh-from-the-urethra sperm, or can only be served by having a half dozen men spitting it on a young teen's face. Either way, it makes for a great commercial.




Boy, would I like to have been a fly on the wall for that advertising meeting.

Racist Cartoon Extravaganza

Most folks who get bored with internet access have seem clips of Bugs Bunny fighting "the Japs" or tricking a black Elmer Fudd into losing his clothes in a dice game, but the real gems of racially insensitive (to put it lightly) animation rise out of the more obscure characters, like Flip the Frog. Remember him? Of course you don't.

People took their children to the theater to see stuff like this at one point in time:



Lessons for children:

Chinese people are not to be trusted and have the power to temporarily change gender at will. Also, opium kicks ass.

From Tex Avery:


And again from Ub Iwerks, the man who helped create Mickey Mouse:


We often forget about this side of our cultural history, and when randomly confronted with it, there are several clear stages of reaction: 1. Holy crap is this real? 2. Oh man this is hilarious. 3. Wait, this is real *stunned silence* 4. They let children watch this?

Of course, it is sure possible to go too far in the opposite direction. Do modern children really need to be protected from Hitler's mustache.

This day in Internet Awesomeness

The Japanese do many things correctly.

Add fart escaping to the top of that list.


How To Escape A Fart - Watch more Funny Videos

Wait, is he escaping the fart or stylishly spreading the fart?

Thanks to Darin for the link.

This Day in History: May 21

2000: The National Museum of Health and Medicine in Washington, D.C displays President James Garfield's spine.

2006: The National Museum of Health and Medicine finally figure out why they'd display that man's fucking spine. According to their official release "Warren Harding's Anus was already being rented out to the National Museum of Anatomy and Shiny Things, it seemed like the next best thing."

Cage Match! Ventura v. Hasselbeck, Hannity

Now THIS is what an idealistic 18-year old Blaine Fridley saw when he decided to vote a professional wrestler in as his governor:

And on to Fathead Hannity:

Bonus Hannity Fun Fact: Every episode of Hannity is shot with Google Earth. It's the only way to get a shot wide enough to accommodate his gargantuan Irish head.

Our great, great, great Aunt is found....

It's funny, today I was supposed to be in Berlin, Germany with two of my closest friends. Instead I had to be at home with my crutches and my aching knee. Tomorrow is a Swedish national day, we call it a " red day" because we don't have to go to work and we still gets payed for it.

The name of this day, translated into English would be "Christ Flyer Day". As many of you know we are all atheist in Sweden. Maybe not all, but most of us... still we have a lot of days where we celebrate Christ, even though we like to believe in the big bang and the evolution, and how we are all sprung from animals and higher primates. Sure, that doesn't give us much to pray to when we have tough times. And we have no one to thank but ourselves and maybe people around us when something good happens.

So where am I going with this? Well, in 1980s- Germany a fossil- nicknamed Ida- was found and claimed to be a "missing link" between today's higher primates - monkeys, apes and humans. The preserved remains of a 47-million - year-old, lemur like creature have just been unveiled in the US.

The investigation of the fossil's significance was led by Jorn Hurum of the Natural History Museum in Oslo, Norway.

He said the fossil creature was "the closest thing we can get to a direct ancestor" and described it as a dream come true. Ida bears a close resemblance to ourselves, with nails instead of claws , a grasping hand and an opposable thumb. Even though some aspects of the teeth indicate she is not a direct ancestor - more of an "aunt" than a "grandmother".

So there you have it. Your great, great, great, great, great (etc.) Aunt is a lemur-like fossil dated 47 million years back. This doesn't explain why we have a day of from work tomorrow in Sweden.

Or why it took 30 years for information to go from Germany to the US.

PEter

Major League Baseball to promote Patriotism, Horrible Irony with Special "American Flag" Designed Apparel.

Major League Baseball long ago found out it had a revenue whore in its identifiable game caps, otherwise known as the 59/50. Soon teams began to wear separate caps at home and on the road. Before long, some teams had up to 4 and 5 different official hats they would wear a year. Not much later, horrible hip hop artists would open another side of Pandora's box in the 'fashion alternate.' A hat that would feature only the team's logo, usually in one color (white/black) set against a color found nowhere on the teams palate. Shown wonderfully by musical disgrace 'Fabolous' (extra fuck you points for making me search how to correctly spell your incorrectly spelled moniker.)

That was all fine and good (terrible.) Years went by, logos got bigger, smaller, some hats didn't even know what logo to pick so they just used both. As a designer, I mustn't hate. I've even been commissioned to make sports hats. There is a huge market in it. Anything that gives designers more cash, I can get behind. Well in theory at least. It's not good taste, but it's a business. We can't all masturbate in a pool of our own ideals.


But of course the aborted baby of this cash cow would soon be forced out of the womb that is this burgeoning industry. Starting a year or two back, during Memorial Day Weekend and Independence Day the league began to superimpose the American flag over each teams logo. All teams forced to wear a Navy hat with Old Glory all up in the team's business. The problem does not lay with patriotism. Not even the poor taste. It's the alarming trend of force-feeding it in the name of some memorial to a game that is best played by people not of this land. Moreover, it's in the way they are aggressively marketed in stores and ballparks everywhere to get another buck out of the dwindling pockets of Joe Sixpack.

But truly, the smoking gun lies in the fact that every team must participate. Including a team with a logo so hilariously outdated it's kept mostly for its kitsch nod to the un-PC past; the Cleveland Indians. The horrific irony of a cartooned Indian with the flag of the government that slaughtered thousands of its people (ya know, the ones it didn't swindle out of its land) is too much for this man to swallow without at least calling attention to it with a middle finger for everyone to see.

So if you want to know how to boil the blood of a relatively well mannered blogger, show up to the ballpark wearing this piece of commercialized dogshit.No word if New Era plans to release yarmulkes emblazoned with Iron Crosses and Swastikas. Stay tuned.

ESPN needs an ESPEnema

Dear Disney,

I didn't think you could hurt me anymore. I'm a 27 year old man, who only recently got over the brutish raping you gave my childhood. I loved "The Little Mermaid", that was until I realized that every single structure in that film is in the shape of a phallic object. Oh, and I just writhed in JOY as I realized the many other "Easter egg" - like sexual innuendos that were prevalent in the masterpieces of yore. It's no wonder that when I witnessed my first pornographic film at the tender age of 12 (thanks older brother) all I could think was, "Meh."

Now you've taken my sports too. ESPN used to be a bastion of hope in my otherwise pathetic existence. Watching great coverage of my local teams nationally, as well as the glib remarks during highlights are now a thing of the past (who can forget Kenny Mayne's "I am the strongest man in all the land!" home run call?) Nowadays, I can't tell which camera Stuart Scott is looking in as he screams , "Kobe Bryant is straight sic dog!". Way to set Black America back a decade or two on a nightly basis Stu.

However, since there are so many personalities of ESPN that are truly detrimental to our way of life that I could go on for pages, so I will only describe the two men who make me want to shove railroad spikes through my eyes.

*Chris "Boomer" Berman

Now, forgetting for a moment that during the NFL season this fat fuck licks Cheese Whiz off of Bret Favre's dick before every Sunday (I guess the idea of impartial professionalism is lost on the likes of you), there are plenty of reasons for him to receive the aforementioned enema. I would rather fuck shards of glass then hear his pompous voice use the same cliched calls for every highlight, for every game. Really Boomer? "He...could...go...fuck himself". Now that would be a nice change of pace. Oh, and by the way, your "witty" name puns...aren't. Randy "A rolling stone gathers no Moss" is not only stupid but...well, fuck you Berman. It's stupid.

We get it Boomer, you like Spiderman

Skipping over Sportscenter, PTI and Around The Horn, (all of which pound the same 3 stories into the ground - thanks 24 hour news cycle! OOh, and please let me know the 30 different ways that Boston and New York are awesome and the rest of us are just grasping the idea of the wheel ) I will finish with my thoughts about the worst person in sports television:

*Baseball Tonight's Karl Ravich: The Czar of Sensationalism

Hey Karl Ravich, you remember that one time when I wrote that I would rather fuck shards of glass than hear Chris Berman speak? Yeah, I'd rather just fuck Chris Berman than watch you dismiss any team that isn't the Yankees, Mets or Red Sox. Really Karl? Lemme guess; in high school you were that nerdy kid that let the cool kids cheat off of you - then assumed you were "in" with them only to realize that at the end of the day you were a used up ineffectual douche. You suck more cock than a Thai Fluffer. What's that Ravich? I can't hear you with your head so far up Dave Winfield's anus. We all know he's a hall of famer, and no, he wasn't one of the greatest Yankees ever. Why don't you ask some more leading questions like, "Do you think A -Rod took performance enhancing drugs, or are you calling me a liar?" Your over-inflated sense of pomposity offends me. I'm pretty sure everyone on set hates you. From Steve Phillips (he will be reviewed in upcoming blogs) to the kid who gets spit on by you because he put 2% milk in your coffee instead of 1%. I hope you get a heavy dose of punched-in-the-neck-by-me-syndrome.

And thank God for the new "Resume" graphic under each analysts name. NOW I trust what they're saying. For all I knew, John Kruk was really level 3 sex offender from New Hampshire. Thanks for ruining my favorite sport ESPN. I think instead I'll go feverishly masturbate to Aladdin and use my tears as lube.

TLC: Programming Gold

Part 1: "18 Kids and Counting", The Duggars Get Their Freak On.

This may come as a shock to some people, but I’m not what one would call “maternal”. I don’t really see the lure; I must admit that sometimes I entertain the thought of possibly liking children, but today I’m sort of thinking that they’re just festering vessels of disease threatening the world with a pandemic of H1N1, swine children. Which is why the programming on TLC is so GD interesting to me; in case you haven’t noticed, every show on TLC has to do with babies, kids, children, los ninos, whatever they’re called. And they all have to deal with a shit load of kids such as “Jon & Kate plus 8” “18 Kids and Counting” “Table for 12” “Kids by the Dozen” and/or/including the incredulous “I didn’t Know I was Pregnant” (yes that is an actual show) “Toddlers & Tiaras”. TLC has got the baby fever and it makes for some programming gold.

I could probably go on forever with each of these shows. “Jon & Kate plus 8” is a video reminder for why I should never get married or have kids. That whole effing family annoys me and drags my spirits down; those kids never shut the hell up. At the end of each episode I want to kill Kate and give Jon his balls back and tell him to run for the nearest exit, sorry kiddies you’re stuck with that biotch Kate. “Table for 12” and “Kids by the Dozen” are just eh whatever. But the real gold lies in “18 Kids and Counting” (my vag just aches writing that shit) and “I didn’t Know I was Pregnant”; “Toddlers & Tiaras” is always fascinating but I had to stop watching because my three sizes too small heart doesn’t agree with that shit, those poor kids (is that maternal?).

For those of you who don’t know who the Duggar family of “18 Kids and Counting” are, let me fill you in real quick. The Duggars are a conservative Baptist family based out of Arkansas. After suffering a miscarriage early in their marriage, the parents Michelle and Jim-Bob (a name you’d only find in America) felt it was due to their use of contraceptives and decided that from then on they would let God decide how many kids they should have. Well, it looks as though God decided to fuck them, because God said 18, for now (I think I only counted 14 in that lovely picture to the left). For the past 20 years, Michelle Duggar has gotten preggo and given birth every year and a half. Which explains the cuckoo look in her eyes and her weird ass chipper voice, how long has it been since she’s had a drink?

The Duggar’s eldest child, Joshua 21, got married last September and his wife, Anna, is already pregnant. As part of their strict conservative Baptist faith, the Duggar’s practice “courtship” rather than dating. Long story short, the Duggar children are only allowed to hold hands with their “date” and are to save their first kiss until their wedding. Wherever they go with their “date” is chaperoned by someone else to make sure nothing questionable happens. On last week’s episode, Josh and his wife took us all along to their first ob-gyn visit, the very same OB doctor Michelle Duggar uses (gross). This disappoints me immensely, but I was unable to find a clip of this hysterical moment. Let me explain what happens, although it will not nearly do this justice.

Josh and Anna are were describing Anna’s morning sickness and her inability to swallow pills and inquired about chewable prenatal vitamins. If you are anywhere near as perverted as I am you’ll have already guessed where this is going. Well, Josh then commented on how Anna can normally swallow and says “She’s like the master of swallowing” then smiles at the camera. Um, excuse me? After I finished pissing my pants from laughing and rewinding the DVR several times I barfed and then cried a little on the inside. I then wondered, if she’s so good at swallowing, how is Anna already preggo so soon into their marriage?

The Duggar children may not kiss before marriage but they sure as shit don’t keep things kosher after they say “I do”. I always imagined that sex with a Duggar would be done through a hole in the sheet, all gross and shit. Turns out, I’m wrong. They get it on, hardcore. My guess is that since they couldn’t kiss before tying the knot, after they do they are super duper freaks. On a side note, I really hope that my mom didn’t read any of this.

DoF Newswire

(Above) A snickering press gallery looks on as a victorious golfer obliges a photographer's request to "kiss it". "Oh, yeah... nice and slow, but look at me while you're doing it, look at me... oh, yeah… now close your eyes and pretend it's a harmonica… yeah... that's nice…"

Great Moments in Fat History: http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/

The Diary has always been a champion of the disgustingly delicious delicacies. Whether it be the Bacon Explosion, The Luther Burger, or Canada's own Poutine.

Apparently we've been slacking. A lot.

Thisiswhyyourefat.com basically has made this an art form, if you can actually call this art. Personally, as a fattractive man like myself, I can call this high art. You can keep your post-modern heaps of shit New York, this man will take his Bacon Wrapped French Toast Sticks Stonehenge. To Go.

Actually, I'll just eat it on the toilet to save time.

Introducing myself....

Good morning and good afternoon,

Hello. During the last 20 out of my 30 years on this planet I've been traveling and meeting people from all over. I've been called many things, loved and hated, so on this blog I'll just go under my birthname, PEter.

-To publish my thoughts and opinions on current events in Sweden and Europe?
That was the answer.

I never really got the question, though.

This has made me motivated, has got me driven.
I have so much to say and so much spare time.

I know my grammar isn't there but I hope I'll make my self understood.

The leader of the Tamil Tiger rebels, Velupillai Prabhakaran, is dead.
The war has ended after 26 years and more than 70,000 people killed.

"What?" is probably the first question popping up.

Veluipi who? What war? 70,000?

A few years from now when someone like Steven Soderbergh makes a movie about Sri Lanka and the Tigers, you'll know what happened. I can see the Hoff as a overweight Sri Lankan Tiger screaming "fuck the world," holding an AK and shooting at the army (it will be his most glorious comeback)...

Where would we be without television?

What would we discuss if it weren't for the media?

Stupid is that stupid says...he says.

Stupid is that stupidity follows.......

PEter

Delaware is here to help.

Recently the Delaware Dept. of Transportation decided enough was enough. In this modern-day world where the internet and 800 channels streams us endless information, they found a way to supersede all of it in just one PDF document.

See, we live in trying times. Our dollar is soon to fail, our country seems lost, and worst of all, we treat each other like poopy.

So why not take a second and read some quick tips on how to be more racially diverse and sensitive in this hard world we live in?

Delaware Department of Transportation: "Diversity Spotlight."

Here are some highlights, with our own insight italicized.

When talking to GLBT:

"Never call a coworker a “fag” or “homo.” This is derogatory, rude, and totally insensitive.

I was totally gonna call Merton a Fag-homo in our meeting this week. Glad I didn't, I woulda been DOUBLE insensitive!

When talking to African Americans:

Avoid asking "Should we order fried chicken or watermelon for you?"This is stereotyping and shows ignorance.

This is important to remember. John Marshall has informed us they also like Grape Drink. Don't forget to offer a drink. It'd be rude not to.

When talking to Asian Americans:

Avoid asking "You must be the new IT person." All Asians are not IT professionals.

They also own Chinese buffets and nail salons.

When talking to Older people:

Avoid saying "You know Wal Mart is hiring." This is not funny. An older employee has experience you could benefit from.

I suggest just kindly asking them to die already.

When talking to White People:

Avoid saying "I don’t trust white people; they are all racists." This is stereotyping and totally insensitive. Get to know the person or discuss why the actions may have offended you. Don’t generalize.

But seriously. Those fucking crackers be crazy.

When talking to a Disabled person:

Avoid saying "You don’t need to date; your life will be better without a woman/man causing you trouble." Being disabled does not mean the person is socially challenged.

The disabled have just as much of a right to being miserable as you do.

When talking to a Hispanic/Latino person:

Avoid saying "Can you recommend a good Mexican Restaurant?" This is stereotyping and shows ignorance. All Hispanics/Latinos are not Mexicans.

Besides, they're just going to recommend the Restaurant they work at.


So you see. It can be a minefield out there. Try to use your best judgment.

Now Hear This: You Have Wasted Your Life.

This kid is nine. NINE. I didn't even know how to play with my PENIS properly until I was fucking ELEVEN. And I'm STILL not this good at it.

Why is it that the Japanese insist upon being better than us at EVERYTHING? Frankly, it's kind of starting to piss me off.

Hot Sh!t: Awkwardfamilyphotos.com

Nothing quite sears under the skin of social awkwardness as much as the family photo. Appeasing your mother's need to affirm every person in your family and time stamp it (usually embarrassingly) is something we've all done.

www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com has found the greatest instances of this and reports them daily for your comedic consumption.

Then again, maybe some of these should be used as possible prosecution for crimes not yet committed.

Manchester Community College Preparing Students for the New Economic Reality

Well, it gives you a better shot than an Associate's Degree anyway…

From UPI -

A Connecticut college is offering a non-credit course for students interested in becoming experts on the complicated dice game craps.

Nino Nistri, 68, who is teaching the course at Manchester Community College, said he has been gambling since the age of 11 and has been instructing people on the rules and language of craps since 2000, the Hartford (Conn.) Courant reported Monday.

Nistri said the game can be daunting for an observing novice.

(Above) Manchester Community College internship program.

"People are winning on '7,' losing on '7,' chips are flying, people are yelling and screaming," he said.

The teacher said his class, which begins May 13, will consist of four two-hour sessions and each student will receive a pair of regulation dice, a laminated odds sheet and a copy of Nistri's book on the game, "Craps."

Nistri said he considers craps to be the most exciting casino game.

"When things are going, you can feel the electricity," he said. "It's the best game in the house, in my opinion."

This Day in History: May 12th

Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. And while that might not be so bad when it comes to that dry-yet-still-mind-blowingly-awesome hand job from Jenny Johnson behind the bleachers during Homecoming, it's decidedly less neat-o when it comes to shit like the Anschluss. So sit back and take it: today's dose of history from your BFF's at the DoF.

1820: Florence Nightingale is born in Florence, Italy.

Nightingale would come to be considered the founder of modern nursing. Almost immediately following this accomplishment came her second major accolade: being the first subject of a nursing-based masturbation fantasy.

Oh, YEAH. I think it's time for my sponge bath.

1982: Pope John Paul II assaulted by a knife-wielding Spanish priest at the shrine of Fatima in Portugal.

Ultimately, this assassination attempt was not successful. Nor was the attempt the year before, despite John Paul II having lost nearly three-quarters of his blood when a Turkish gunman's bullet perforated his colon and small intestine multiple times.

Y'know, maybe it's just me...? But if I were pope, and people were constantly making attempts on my life? I might have to think twice about the validity of that whole "Benevolent God" idea. Especially when it was ultimately the five hours of surgery (read: Science) that wound up saving my ass.

On the bright side, after that the Popemobile went into a lot wider use. This not only allowed peons everywhere to witness the absurd spectacle of an old man in a silly hat rolling around in a bulletproof fishbowl, but also earned the pontiff the nickname of "Papa Wheelie" around the Vatican.

Y'know, if you really think about it? If THIS asshole is afraid to die,
then the rest of us are pretty fucked.

1972: The Rolling Stones release the landmark album "Exile on Main St."

Immediately following the release, the Stones embark on a wildly successful 52-date tour of North America. This becomes an even greater accomplishment in light of the fact that Keith Richards had been dead since October of the previous year.

"Can't be sure, mate...But I think I found me pancreas
in the shower drain this morning."

Monday UnFunk

The worst song ever created?

LFO's Summer Girls.

I don't know what hell in my own mind brought this song up for the SECOND time in a month, but it is so incessantly horrible I must share it with you.

If you were ever a 15 year old girl in the past 10 years, you probably remember this song. And liked it.

Jesus. This has to be the worst fucking chorus in the history of recorded sound.

"New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits.
Chinese food makes me sick.
And i think its fly when girls come by for the summer.(For the summer.)
I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch.
I'd take if I had one wish.
She's been gone since that summer. (Since that summer.)"

Yes. That is the worst chorus in the history.

But the fact that Main Douche (Rich Cronin) actually tries his hand at talk/rapping and comes up with some gems like "You're the best girl that I ever did see/The great Larry Bird, jersey 33" and "Fell deep in love, but now we ain't speakin'/Michael J. Fox was Alex P. Keaton."

But also doubling as a terrible ad for overpriced prep-wear. Well you get the stink finger salute, LFO.

So here it is. Sorry.

RENO UPDATE: I just realized that video is rated 4 1/2 stars. Granted the rating system on YouTube is about as reliable as bridge made of dried boogers, I still hate everyone who voted 5 stars.

Stoner Confucius Says…

"Managing your success begins with managing other's expectations.

Managing to have nothing expected of you through total sedation of mind, body and motivation turns your every trivial act into a highly-acclaimed success.

A less enlightened mind may see this as laziness.

I call it a liberating purge of toxic expectations.

And that, to answer your question, is why I'm not wearing any pants… Could I still get that 6-pc. McNugget anyway?"

Friday Funk: Sample Roots Edition

A lot of the best R&B and Hip-Hop of the last thirty years owes a great debt to the funk, soul, and smooth grooves of its predecessors. So, I thought it would be fun to take a look at a few of these roots jams; songs you may not be familiar with in whole form, but that you've DEFINITELY heard broken down and re-served up in hot slices within other songs. Whether a drumbreak, keyboard run, or bass track, it had to come from somewhere. Here are just a few of the places it did.


1) Melvin Bliss - "Synthetic Substitution"
Sampled in: Method Man - “All I Need”, Naughty By Nature - “O.P.P.”, Ghostface Killah - "Mighty Healthy", Ice T - "Original Gangster", Public Enemy - "Don't Believe the Hype", Wu-Tang Clan - "Bring Da Ruckus", 2Pac - "The Streetz R Death Row", EPMD - "Scratch Bring it Back" and many more



2) James Brown - "Funky Drummer"
Sampled in: Eric B and Rakim - "Eric B is President", A Tribe Called Quest - "Show Business", Geto Boys - "Read These Nikes", Ice Cube - "Jackin' for Beats", KRS-One - "Outta Here", Public Enemy - "Fight the Power", Snoop Dogg - "Murder Was The Case", De La Soul - "Brain-Washed Follower", LL Cool J - "6 Minutes of Pleasure", Nas - "Get Down", and many more



3) Lyn Collins - “Think (About It)”
Sampled in: Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock - “It Takes Two”, Janet Jackson - “Alright”, Afrika Bambaataa - "Planet Rock", De La Soul - "Jenifa (Taught Me) (Derwin's Revenge)", Heavy D - "You Ain't Heard Nuttin' Yet", New Edition - "Hit Me Off", Public Enemy - "911 is a Joke", Slick Rick - "Slick Rick - The Ruler", Snoop Dogg - "Ain't No Fun", EPMD - "Da Joint", Biz Markie - "Road Block", Kool Moe Dee - "I Go to Work", and many more