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Champions of Society

Last night whilst enjoying some quality couch time with Wifey aka "The Franchise" (let's face it, calling her "The Better Half" is still giving myself way too much credit. We're not talking about an MJ/Pippen dynamic here. Ours is more LeBron (Wifey) and… well… name somebody else on the Cavs (me). I'm just happy to like, have a uniform and stuff. But I digress), she pointed out this little feelgood story posted on TwinCities.com (originally published on Politico) with a headline that read: 'I voted for you...I'm gonna kill you': FBI report outlines surge in threats against members of Congress

Now, take a few seconds to come up with a general character sketch in your mind of the typical person calling in death threats to elected officials. I'll be watching video of wakeboarding monkeys while you do.

HA! The monkeys think they're people.

OK, then… So what did we come up with?

Angry white male? Yyyep. Gun fanatic? Of course. History of mental illness and spousal abuse? Very good!

Here's a brief suspect profile from the story:

The FBI says the caller was a 70-year-old resident of Shuler's North Carolina district with a history of mental illness and a cache of guns. In the weeks before calling Shuler's office, the FBI says, the caller beat and choked his wife. She told the FBI that she'd tried to clear her home of guns — and that she went to bed at night with a can of mace tucked under her pillow.

OK. So the guy isn't necessarily succeeding at this whole "life" thing, but before we write him off as "capital K" KA-RAZY, let's hear his motivation behind making the call. Perhaps there are several more layers to be peeled back. Again, from the story:

"When agents showed up at the man's door, they asked him why he'd threatened to kill Shuler.
'I was trying to work the political scene,' he said."

Haahahaha outstanding.

Yes. "Trying to work the political scene". You know, in the tradition of John Wilkes Booth. Or Sirhan Sirhan. A reeeeal savvy strategist, this guy. Fucking classic. But if you can believe it, the story only gets better from there. Let's meet the the Darwinian hiccup that produced threats on the life of Sen. Debbie Stabenow, D-Michigan:

In February 2009, a man left voice mail messages for Stabenow in several of her Michigan offices.
"We're gonna (expletive) get you," he said in one message. "We're gonna get you with a lot of (expletive) bolt action. Like we did RFK; like we did MLK. We know who you are. We'll get you."

And a little background on the caller:

"FBI agents tracked the calls to a 54-year-old Texas man who lived alone — and who at one time had owned a 20-gun arsenal of handguns, shotguns and rifles."

Hmm.

I seeee...

But again, let's not just jump to conclusions and assume this man's threats - as misplaced and disturbing as they are - aren't coming from a place of legitimate ideology and real passion/concern for his country. Let's read on:

According to the (FBI) documents, he told officers that he was "really, really drunk" when he made the calls. He said he was just "venting" — taking out his frustrations after hearing a discussion of the Fairness Doctrine and becoming concerned that the government would attempt to abolish the radio shows of Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh.

This Day in SPORTS! History

Milwaukee Brewers vs. New York Yankees, 1976
With two on and two out in the bottom of the 9th inning, Brewers 3rd baseman Don Money's deep fly ball disappears into Oscar Gamble's afro for a ground rule double, scoring the winning run and securing a series split for Milwaukee.

Westboro Baptist is about to make the mistake of their lives.

You guys remember Westboro Baptist "Church," right? The hate group that poses as a place of worship, and preaches fire and brimstone all over anyone they don't like? And how "anyone they don't like" comprises anyone who isn't currently in their fucking building, soaking up their bullshit?

Well, friends. Those people are about to get what's coming to them. Check out this blog post on Blabbermouth.net, the authoritative blog on All Things Metal. Then, check out the discussion I just had with Blaine concerning Phred Phelps' impending death.

Banner Banality: Dissecting Advertising's Lowest Form.

Front Sight Firearms Training Institute: Gunfights don't give second chances.

Me: Hey, you know what? That's totally true. I probably should avoid gunfights at all costs, huh?

Front Sight Firearms Training Institute: Ummm, no… that means you should learn how to gunfight properly… ahderrrr.

Welcome.

You stand at the edge.

The edge of what, you ask?

The edge of a magnificent vortex, I tell you.

A vortex where incredibly lame and brain-shatteringly awesome share the same meaning.

A vortex where low production value yields high comedic rewards.

A vortex where hastily written jingles bore their way into your brain and consume you until one day someone finds you in the corner of a darkened attic rocking back and forth, quietly singing the refrain over and over, eyes empty, soulless and unblinking.

A vortex, Ladies and Gentleman, called… local television advertising.

First up in this new erratically recurring segment:

Ever wonder what would happen if you locked a small group of chimps in a room with only a Casio® Keyboard and video editing suite to keep them occupied?

Wonder no more.

Hot Sh!t: Tobacco

Please to enjoy Tobacco's (aka Black Moth Super Rainbow's Tom Fec) recent collabo with that one scientologist guy. "Fresh Hex" is the name. Dig it hard, Fools.

(Bonus: kittieees!!!)

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The Intellectual Scrapheap: Not-So-Deep Thoughts from the Mind of Blaine Fridley

Why is "Deal or No Deal" in syndication?

It's bad enough that people watch this show the first time around, but… reruns? Reruns?

"Oh, honey! Come here! Your favorite episode of Deal or No Deal is on! You know, the episode where the retard arbitrarily points at shiny suitcases for money!"

"OOOOOh, I LOVE that one!"

Have you no appreciation for life? Or respect for yourself? Or are you just a really big Howie Mandel fan (in which case, I guess the previous two questions still apply)?

*vomit, weep, repeat*

Hot Sh!t: Crystal Castles

Heya kids! Struggling with mojo deficiency this Monday?

Crystal Castles has "Empathy":

And this week's Gleason Face goes to…

… BP! By way of this delightful statistic reported by citizen.org:

• $14 billion: BP's profits in 2009

• $500,000: The cost of a safety device that could have prevented the Gulf of Mexico disaster. BP opted not to buy it, citing cost concerns.

Jackie, if you would be so kind, please:

Friday Funk: Slick Rick

Hey, Fools.

Take a minute to feel decent today.

Like, now would be a good time for instance:

StyleWatch! Who Wore It Better?

This Day in History

1972
The Rolling Stones released "Exile on Main St.", considered by fans to be their best album of all-time. It's rumored that if played backwards, all of Keith Richards' vocal parts on the album can be heard in flawless King's English.


1982
With help from his trusty utility belt, Pope John Paul II escaped a knifing by a Spanish priest while visiting the shrine of Fatima in Portugal.

(Above) The attack as captured by the Vatican's in-house sketch artist.

Take it to the Banksy

Considering BP's recent destruction of the Gulf of Mexico, I thought this would be an appropriate time to share one of my favorite pieces from one of my most favoritest artists, Banksy, along with the work it's based on - "The Singing Butler" by Jack Vettriano.

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Hot Sh!t: Jay-Z on SNL

I probably catch Saturday Night Live once every 3 months and MAN, I'm glad I made this last weekend's episode my quarterly viewing.

Firstly, Betty Fucking White. The old lady's comedic timing is still Swiss Watch, people - at 88 years old! 88! Nothing sexxxier than a woman with ill comedy skillz, I say. Watch out, Betty, I'm comin' for ya', girrrl.

So, with the bar already set at heights Dick Fosbury would have trouble clearing, out steps Jay-Z.

Armed with a live band, Hova came out swinging with "Public Service Announcement" and never let up, as he and his ever-so-tight band tore through about a 10-minute medley of classics and, well, newer classics. The give-and-take between Jay and his band was mesmerizing. They were both on fire, but neither one overtook the other. The band laid down visceral, hard-hitting instrumentals and Jay-Z rode 'em to perfection.

You can argue all you want about who's the "best" MC alive right now. I know many of you would give Jay your first place votes, and many of you (this humble bloggist included) wouldn't.

But there's no arguing that on this night at least, live in front of millions, there wasn't an MC on the planet who could've topped him.

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Low expectations

This Day in History

1977
Seattle Slew takes the Kentucky Derby on his way to winning horse racing's Triple Crown and ultimately, America's heart. Endorsements piled up. Fast women with a hunger for celebrity stalked him at every turn. And it seemed he couldn't walk a block without someone offering him a drink and a snort. When you're a champion, everybody loves you. Everybody, it seemed, except the beloved celebrEquine himself.

His slide was fast and severe. After two weeks of abysmal ratings, CBS cancelled his weekly variety show. Two weeks after that Buick dropped its endorsement deal when sexually explicit photos taken of the horse and Mick Jagger at Studio 54 were leaked. He cycled in and out of treatment and rehab facilities in an attempt to exorcise the demons and get himself clean. In his final days, friends said he seemed changed. Ready to reclaim the glory, he had scheduled a series of minor circuit races to get himself in shape for another run at the Triple Crown. And then, tragedy: 3 days after winning the Kenosha Cup - his first taste of victory in over a year - Tatum O'Neil found him unresponsive on the bathroom floor of a Hollywood Blvd. motel room. Seattle Slew was pronounced dead later that day, forever a lesson on the trappings of fame.