DoF Friday Funk: Kill The Vultures

Now we'll NEVER know what Willis was talkin' 'bout (Abridged).

CNN is reporting that former child star Gary Coleman, 42, has passed away of a brain hemorrhage in a Utah hospital.


Since first rising to prominence as TV's "Arnold Jackson" on the sitcom "Diff'rent Strokes," Coleman was more than a little popular. However, his career in acting was far too brief, as any projects he undertook in his post-"Strokes" career proved to have abbreviated lives. Whether showing up in a diminutive cameo on another sitcom, experiencing skimpy amounts of camera time on reality shows with undersized viewership, or appearing in a tiny role in a puny film, Coleman's continued acting career was mostly punctuated by teeny parts in pint-sized projects not long on appeal.

However, discouragement never seemed to cut off his determination at the knees, and his spirit never diminished. Whether making the most of a bit part in the exploitation film "Midgets vs. Mascots," or during his under-the-radar run as pitchman for mortgage website CashCall.com, Coleman never came up short on drive. Through it all, his enthusiasm, cheer and likability were never in small supply.

Good-bye, Gary Coleman. All of us get only a minuscule amount of time on this planet, but it's still unfair when one so well-liked and with such stunted amounts of pretension has a life so sadly truncated.

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Random Thoughts with Reno Gruber

"In this economy, the smart prostitute lets you pay them in unwanted gold. That $35 dollar blow-job just turned into a $38.56 blow job, you industrious whore."

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This Day In Internet Awesomeness : Rap against Rape

What happens when you combine Early 90's Rap, Rape Awareness, Outstanding levels of self-obliviousness, and the Irish?

This, of course.



Thanks to The Rev. for another great link.

Champions of Society

Last night whilst enjoying some quality couch time with Wifey aka "The Franchise" (let's face it, calling her "The Better Half" is still giving myself way too much credit. We're not talking about an MJ/Pippen dynamic here. Ours is more LeBron (Wifey) and… well… name somebody else on the Cavs (me). I'm just happy to like, have a uniform and stuff. But I digress), she pointed out this little feelgood story posted on TwinCities.com (originally published on Politico) with a headline that read: 'I voted for you...I'm gonna kill you': FBI report outlines surge in threats against members of Congress

Now, take a few seconds to come up with a general character sketch in your mind of the typical person calling in death threats to elected officials. I'll be watching video of wakeboarding monkeys while you do.

HA! The monkeys think they're people.

OK, then… So what did we come up with?

Angry white male? Yyyep. Gun fanatic? Of course. History of mental illness and spousal abuse? Very good!

Here's a brief suspect profile from the story:

The FBI says the caller was a 70-year-old resident of Shuler's North Carolina district with a history of mental illness and a cache of guns. In the weeks before calling Shuler's office, the FBI says, the caller beat and choked his wife. She told the FBI that she'd tried to clear her home of guns — and that she went to bed at night with a can of mace tucked under her pillow.

OK. So the guy isn't necessarily succeeding at this whole "life" thing, but before we write him off as "capital K" KA-RAZY, let's hear his motivation behind making the call. Perhaps there are several more layers to be peeled back. Again, from the story:

"When agents showed up at the man's door, they asked him why he'd threatened to kill Shuler.
'I was trying to work the political scene,' he said."

Haahahaha outstanding.

Yes. "Trying to work the political scene". You know, in the tradition of John Wilkes Booth. Or Sirhan Sirhan. A reeeeal savvy strategist, this guy. Fucking classic. But if you can believe it, the story only gets better from there. Let's meet the the Darwinian hiccup that produced threats on the life of Sen. Debbie Stabenow, D-Michigan:

In February 2009, a man left voice mail messages for Stabenow in several of her Michigan offices.
"We're gonna (expletive) get you," he said in one message. "We're gonna get you with a lot of (expletive) bolt action. Like we did RFK; like we did MLK. We know who you are. We'll get you."

And a little background on the caller:

"FBI agents tracked the calls to a 54-year-old Texas man who lived alone — and who at one time had owned a 20-gun arsenal of handguns, shotguns and rifles."

Hmm.

I seeee...

But again, let's not just jump to conclusions and assume this man's threats - as misplaced and disturbing as they are - aren't coming from a place of legitimate ideology and real passion/concern for his country. Let's read on:

According to the (FBI) documents, he told officers that he was "really, really drunk" when he made the calls. He said he was just "venting" — taking out his frustrations after hearing a discussion of the Fairness Doctrine and becoming concerned that the government would attempt to abolish the radio shows of Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh.

This Is Real: Warriors of Elysia

Imagine, if you will, a magical place.

In this magical place, there is abundant beauty. Lush, natural green forests. Marble temples with breathtaking rotundas. And everywhere you look, giant-titted hotties in bikinis kicking the holy living shit out of each other for absolutely zero discernible reason.

This, my friends, is the fabled land of Elysia. And the busty chicks beating each other up? They are Elysia's Warriors. The...uh...Warriors...of Elysia. Yep.

Stay with me, now. It almost starts to make sense in a minute.

"Warriors of Elysia" is an upcoming video game. Well...kind of. But not in the sense that you might think of "video game" if you've ever picked up a controller that had more than one button.

At its core, "Warriors" is a fighting game, sort of in the vein of a Street Fighter, or Tekken. But, that's pretty much where the similarities stop. Because while most fighting games pride themselves on having deep rosters of characters with pages and pages of insane combos and button-mashing special moves, the appeal of "Warriors of Elysia" is a lot less "Left-Right-B-A," and a lot more "Up-Down-Double-D."

See, wherever "Elysia" is? There apparently aren't any men there. Instead, the place is populated exclusively by chicks in skimpy string bikinis who delight in beating each other up.

Internet: Serious Business.

Why, exactly? Who the hell knows? Details are sketchy at this point. There's not much of a story to speak of, the official website is straight out of 1995, and we've only got a (big, bouncy, double-)handful of screenshots and videos to go on. Plus, depending on the source you read, "Elysia" may or may not be the direct or spiritual successor to a previous game called "Bikini Karate Babes," where similar well-endowed women pounded the piss out of each other while doing things like shooting fireballs out of their nipples.

Yeah...Really.

In any case...it appears as though this is what it has come to. Despite the massive strides video games have made in terms of artistic presentation, insanely deep story lines, and mature themes of death, betrayal, and honor...we're now apparently being treated to THIS fucking dreck. And yeah, I know buxom ass-kicking chicks in fighting games is nothing new. "Dead or Alive" exists. So does "Rumble Roses." And you could right an entire doctoral dissertation on how Ivy Valentine from "Soul Calibur" has managed to strap her G-cups down with no more than three square inches of load-test-strained Lycra.

But that's not the point. The point is, an at-least passing attempt was made to make THOSE games balanced, deep, and solid. The tits? Those were thrown in as a fan-service afterthought. But this? Obviously, the sweater-knobs came first, and then they built a game around them. Someone just KNEW they could make a lot of money by putting out the digital equivalent of Jell-O wrestling.

"Give us your money."

Even sadder, "Elysia" is an at least PARTIAL attempt to somewhat legitimize the bikini/karate pseudo-genre "established" by its predecessor. This is supposedly the next generation of bathing-suit ass-beating, with the deliberate camp elements taken the hell out...in as much as such a thing is remotely fucking possible.

Look, I like tits. I like tits a LOT. I'm willing to bet I like tits a whole lot more than you do, even if you like tits very, very much indeed. But being a discerning connoisseur, an aficionado of tits? This means that I understand that tits in CONTEXT are better than gratuitous, pandering tits-for-the-sake-of-tits. I mean, sure...Lots of tits (especially big, bouncy ones that are everywhere) are far, far better than no tits at all. But this? I dunno. I just can't support these tits. And from the looks of things, they need all the support they can get.

Anyway, here's the trailer. I know you're going to watch it.



And here's a video of one of the enormously-boobed women from the game, explaining to everyone how real, digitized characters in games has "never been done before." Uh-huh.



(Lady? As much as we'd like to forget that "Pit-Fighter" and "Aerosmith Presents: Revolution X" ever existed, you REALLY ought to at least acknowledge the first couple of "Mortal Kombat" games, being as you aspire to their level, and all.)

"Warriors of Elysia" is in development for the PC, presumably because, despite the existence of "BMX XXX," console gamers try to have at least a LITTLE taste, and like their games to NOT look like something that got swept up off of the cutting room floor of 1999.

If you buy this, you are a bad person.

This Day in SPORTS! History

Milwaukee Brewers vs. New York Yankees, 1976
With two on and two out in the bottom of the 9th inning, Brewers 3rd baseman Don Money's deep fly ball disappears into Oscar Gamble's afro for a ground rule double, scoring the winning run and securing a series split for Milwaukee.

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The British Petroleum Public Relations Department!

This Day In History: May 21st

1927: Charles Lindbergh landed the Spirit of St. Louis near Paris, completing the first solo airplane flight across the Atlantic Ocean. Upon touching down, he immediately made a beeline for les toiléttés, and set a second "longest" world record: Continuous Urination.


1956: The United States exploded the first airborne hydrogen bomb over Bikini Atoll in the Pacific, thus beginning the dick-waving pissing contest known as "The Arms Race," and ending the peaceful island vacation of an unsuspecting George and Myrtle Collins of Two Rivers, Kentucky.


1979: Former San Francisco City Supervisor Dan White is convicted of voluntary manslaughter in the shooting deaths of Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk. White's argument that junk food had fueled his rampage was derided as the "Twinkie defense." His conviction immediately stops any other shady attorneys from ever again attempting to claim their clients aren't guilty because of similar unrelated and laugh-out-loud ridiculous made-up maladies.

Westboro Baptist is about to make the mistake of their lives.

You guys remember Westboro Baptist "Church," right? The hate group that poses as a place of worship, and preaches fire and brimstone all over anyone they don't like? And how "anyone they don't like" comprises anyone who isn't currently in their fucking building, soaking up their bullshit?

Well, friends. Those people are about to get what's coming to them. Check out this blog post on Blabbermouth.net, the authoritative blog on All Things Metal. Then, check out the discussion I just had with Blaine concerning Phred Phelps' impending death.

Today's content brought to you by...

"Leaving America Short-Handed Since 1957!™"

Banner Banality: Dissecting Advertising's Lowest Form.

Front Sight Firearms Training Institute: Gunfights don't give second chances.

Me: Hey, you know what? That's totally true. I probably should avoid gunfights at all costs, huh?

Front Sight Firearms Training Institute: Ummm, no… that means you should learn how to gunfight properly… ahderrrr.

Welcome.

You stand at the edge.

The edge of what, you ask?

The edge of a magnificent vortex, I tell you.

A vortex where incredibly lame and brain-shatteringly awesome share the same meaning.

A vortex where low production value yields high comedic rewards.

A vortex where hastily written jingles bore their way into your brain and consume you until one day someone finds you in the corner of a darkened attic rocking back and forth, quietly singing the refrain over and over, eyes empty, soulless and unblinking.

A vortex, Ladies and Gentleman, called… local television advertising.

First up in this new erratically recurring segment:

Ever wonder what would happen if you locked a small group of chimps in a room with only a Casio® Keyboard and video editing suite to keep them occupied?

Wonder no more.

Hot Sh!t: Tobacco

Please to enjoy Tobacco's (aka Black Moth Super Rainbow's Tom Fec) recent collabo with that one scientologist guy. "Fresh Hex" is the name. Dig it hard, Fools.

(Bonus: kittieees!!!)

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DoF Video Feed

Classic awesomeness from Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!

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click pic to enlarge

The Intellectual Scrapheap: Not-So-Deep Thoughts from the Mind of Blaine Fridley

Why is "Deal or No Deal" in syndication?

It's bad enough that people watch this show the first time around, but… reruns? Reruns?

"Oh, honey! Come here! Your favorite episode of Deal or No Deal is on! You know, the episode where the retard arbitrarily points at shiny suitcases for money!"

"OOOOOh, I LOVE that one!"

Have you no appreciation for life? Or respect for yourself? Or are you just a really big Howie Mandel fan (in which case, I guess the previous two questions still apply)?

*vomit, weep, repeat*

Today's content brought to you by...

Hot Sh!t: Crystal Castles

Heya kids! Struggling with mojo deficiency this Monday?

Crystal Castles has "Empathy":

Dof Shirt of the Week: Mental Images

Every time a woman eats a banana, she is thinking about someone's penis. Its true, ask a doctor if you don't believe me, jerk.

Use the power of mental suggestion at the bars this weekend with this snazzy shirt.

Per usual, if you're one of the growing many who find these shirts so fucking irresistible that you must have it, then this is where you click you sexy beast.

And this week's Gleason Face goes to…

… BP! By way of this delightful statistic reported by citizen.org:

• $14 billion: BP's profits in 2009

• $500,000: The cost of a safety device that could have prevented the Gulf of Mexico disaster. BP opted not to buy it, citing cost concerns.

Jackie, if you would be so kind, please:

BREAKING NEWS!

This just in: In case you were still wondering? Yes. Furries are still way creepier than shit.

Friday Funk: Slick Rick

Hey, Fools.

Take a minute to feel decent today.

Like, now would be a good time for instance:

Today's content brought to you by....

Reality Folding in on Itself

Have a nice day!

Update: Stardust Entertainment does not fuck around.

DoF Puzzle Corner!

Hey, kids! We're trying out a new feature today: The DoF Puzzle Corner!

We just figured that given the fact that the internets have completely murdered the entire newspaper industry, it's incumbent upon us to take up the slack. And since you can get news and comics plenty of other places, we're test-marketing a couple of other niches also formerly offered by the late, great Fourth Estate. And today, it's fun puzzles!

The only problem is, none of us has any experience putting the damn things together. So, we asked our buddy Chuck for a little help. Chuck is the UPS guy who delivers the packages to Diary HQ, and he's seemed a little bummed out lately. We keep asking him if he's okay, and he just rolls his eyes and mutters something about "trouble at home." So, we figured it might cheer him up to do something fun, like make us a crossword. He said "sure," and brought us in THIS today (along with the usual deliveries of...um...stuff).

So, say "Hi" to our guest puzzle-maker, Chuck Melman!

Chuck Melman, awesome UPS dude!

Like I said, though...None of us are really into puzzles. So we didn't try to solve this one, or anything. But you guys can feel free. Let us know how it goes!

DoF Puzzle Corner Crossword by Guest Editor Chuck Melman!

(Pssst! Click below for the ANSWER KEY!)

Big thanks to Chuck for being a great sport and pitching in!

StyleWatch! Who Wore It Better?

This Day in History

1972
The Rolling Stones released "Exile on Main St.", considered by fans to be their best album of all-time. It's rumored that if played backwards, all of Keith Richards' vocal parts on the album can be heard in flawless King's English.


1982
With help from his trusty utility belt, Pope John Paul II escaped a knifing by a Spanish priest while visiting the shrine of Fatima in Portugal.

(Above) The attack as captured by the Vatican's in-house sketch artist.

Take it to the Banksy

Considering BP's recent destruction of the Gulf of Mexico, I thought this would be an appropriate time to share one of my favorite pieces from one of my most favoritest artists, Banksy, along with the work it's based on - "The Singing Butler" by Jack Vettriano.

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click pic to enlarge

Movie Villain Face-Off Quarterfinals: Four on the Floor

The wire. We're down to it.

(Movie Villain Deathmatch history: Part 1, Part Deux, Part Tres, Part D, First Mean Sixteen, Mean Sixteen 2, and Fate of the Great Eight)

(Click = big.)

Hollywood Villain Deathmatch - Final Four on the Floor

My, But Aren't YOU a Handsome Devil Division:

Hans Gruber Vs. Sheriff of Nottingham

"Look, if this is supposed to be some sort of prank, I'm not finding it very funny," sneered Gruber. He was circling his opponent, unable to tear his eyes from the man's stunning face.

"Then I suppose that makes two of us," replied the Sheriff. "I'm not sure what the sadistic bastards running this thing are on about, but just who in the hell are you supposed to be?"

"I was just about to ask you the same question."

"I'm the Sheriff. The Sheriff of Nottingham."

Hans laughed harshly, and without humor. "Are you serious? The Sheriff of Nottingham? From Robin Hood?"

The Sheriff's eyes flashed angrily. "I'll thank you not to sully my ears with even the mention of that ruffian's name, sir. He is a scourge."

Hans studied the man's eerily familiar face looking for any sign of irony, and found none. And, he thought to himself, he would have seen it had it been present. Here was one fellow whose expression he figured he ought to be able to read with ferocious accuracy.

"Okay. All right. So, you're completely insane then. That's good information to have."

"How dare you, you horrid scum?" spat the Sheriff. "Just who in the hell are you, anyway? And why in the name of God do you look like me?!?"

"I'm Hans Gruber. And I think you've got it backwards, friend. YOU look like ME."

"Is that so?" replied the Sheriff. "Hm. 'Hans Gruber' is an odd name for an Englishman, certainly," said the Sheriff, his eyes narrowing.

"As it turns out, there's a good reason for that, you fool," said Gruber. "I'm not English. I'm a German."

"Then why don't you have a German accent?"

The gun was in Hans' hand, and aimed directly at Nottingham's forehead before he could finish the sentence. "I DO, you swine," he snarled. "Now...I don't care how good-looking you are. If you so much as say another word, I'll shall be forced to shoot you directly in your gorgeous, hairy excuse for a captivatingly charming, and comely face."

"You don't have the -"

Nottingham was dead before he hit the ground. A pity, thought Gruber. So attractive, and yet deprived of an open-casket service all the same.

Still, as the man's life left him, Gruber felt odd, sad and torn...as though a small piece of him had died, as well.

WINNER: GRUBER

ShangTsaw Division:

Shang Tsung Vs. Leatherface

Shang Tsung felt a slight twinge of anxiety as he watched the homicidal lunatic with the exhaust-spitting chainsaw lumbering toward him. Certainly, he'd faced worse in his thousand-year fighting career, yet all had fallen just the same. This simple creature would be no different.

For his part, Leatherface was just hungry. And as he ran toward the man in front of him, his only thoughts (if you could even call them that) were of recipes. He squeezed the trigger on the chainsaw, relishing the vibrations and comforting noise, a man possessed.

Shang stood his ground as the man approached, the instrument of bloody death revving away in his hands, and sounding less like a tool than like a motorbike. But then, all at once, the saw sputtered to a sudden halt. Leatherface, confused, slowed his pace, and yanked a few times on the starter rope. The chainsaw chugged a few times, but did not catch.

Stopping now, Leatherface looked at the saw with as much confusion an anger as what was left of his brain could muster. He continued to pull fruitlessly on the rope, howling and groaning in frustration each time it turned over, but did not roar to life.

The corners of his mouth turning up into the slightest of smiles, Shang clasped his hands behind his back, and strode slowly over to 'Face. "Looks like you're having some trouble there, my friend." he said, his tone taking on an almost comforting lilt. "How very unfortunate."

Leatherface howled, his gutteral protests muffled by his ever-present mask of tanned flesh.

"Perhaps I can help you," said Shang, reaching for the saw. "Why don't you let me take a look at it?"

At this, Leatherface recoiled in disgust. NOBODY else touched The Saw. Not ever. Had his mind and mouth not been so twisted by sickness and bloodlust, he might have said as much. Instead, he began to swing the saw haphazardly back-and-forth in Shang's general direction, confused and frightened as he trying to spontaneously develop a DE-fensive strategy from thin air.

As it turns out, that was a good instinct. Unfortunately, it would prove to be ultimately fruitless, as Shang Tsung was able to dodge 'Face's clumsy blows with no effort. Then, as soon as he had an opening, Shang crouched down, and then exploded a fist upward into Leatherface's chin with such force that he knocked his head clean off of his shoulders, and into the sky. It spun and whirled and danced, spraying gobs of red gore in what seemed like every direction at the same time.

"Curious," said Shang to himself as he tried to collect the soul from what was left of Leatherface's corpse, only to find that there was seemingly never any present to begin with. "Curious, indeed."


And just like that, the finals are upon us. If you're still reading, great. if you're not, your mother's a whore. See ya.

Hot Sh!t: Jay-Z on SNL

I probably catch Saturday Night Live once every 3 months and MAN, I'm glad I made this last weekend's episode my quarterly viewing.

Firstly, Betty Fucking White. The old lady's comedic timing is still Swiss Watch, people - at 88 years old! 88! Nothing sexxxier than a woman with ill comedy skillz, I say. Watch out, Betty, I'm comin' for ya', girrrl.

So, with the bar already set at heights Dick Fosbury would have trouble clearing, out steps Jay-Z.

Armed with a live band, Hova came out swinging with "Public Service Announcement" and never let up, as he and his ever-so-tight band tore through about a 10-minute medley of classics and, well, newer classics. The give-and-take between Jay and his band was mesmerizing. They were both on fire, but neither one overtook the other. The band laid down visceral, hard-hitting instrumentals and Jay-Z rode 'em to perfection.

You can argue all you want about who's the "best" MC alive right now. I know many of you would give Jay your first place votes, and many of you (this humble bloggist included) wouldn't.

But there's no arguing that on this night at least, live in front of millions, there wasn't an MC on the planet who could've topped him.

DoF Friday Funk: Marvin Gaye- Heavy Love Affair

Reno's personal favorite Marvin song ever. Enjoy!

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Low expectations

DoF Shirt of the Week: Sam Elliott Community College Stormin Snails!

Here at the Diary, we try to wear a few different hats. Sometimes we get topical. Sometimes we try our hand at some political humor. But most of the time it's pretty much current events and whatever broad social trends embarrass us to the point of anger.

However, sometimes...we just get random as fuck.

Ladies and Gentlemen....Your Sam Elliot Community College Stormin' Snails!

See it on a shirt here, babies!


Next Week- HE MAIL!!!

This Day in History

1977
Seattle Slew takes the Kentucky Derby on his way to winning horse racing's Triple Crown and ultimately, America's heart. Endorsements piled up. Fast women with a hunger for celebrity stalked him at every turn. And it seemed he couldn't walk a block without someone offering him a drink and a snort. When you're a champion, everybody loves you. Everybody, it seemed, except the beloved celebrEquine himself.

His slide was fast and severe. After two weeks of abysmal ratings, CBS cancelled his weekly variety show. Two weeks after that Buick dropped its endorsement deal when sexually explicit photos taken of the horse and Mick Jagger at Studio 54 were leaked. He cycled in and out of treatment and rehab facilities in an attempt to exorcise the demons and get himself clean. In his final days, friends said he seemed changed. Ready to reclaim the glory, he had scheduled a series of minor circuit races to get himself in shape for another run at the Triple Crown. And then, tragedy: 3 days after winning the Kenosha Cup - his first taste of victory in over a year - Tatum O'Neil found him unresponsive on the bathroom floor of a Hollywood Blvd. motel room. Seattle Slew was pronounced dead later that day, forever a lesson on the trappings of fame.

BREAKING NEWS

Lawrence Taylor Overtakes Ben Roethlisberger in Race For 'Earth's Worst Human'

Fucking gross.