Sorry Folks! DoF temporarily closed for upkeep and maintenance -- back Jan. '10

"Hello?"

-

-

"Ummm...hello? 'scuse me? sir? Yeah-hi… can I help you with something?"

- - -

"You're here for what?

Fresh content?

Hahaha oooooh, sweety, I'm sorry 'bout that. Nobody told you? Typical. Ya'know, not for nuthin', but the guys that run this place? Total jagoffs. I've got an open sore on my taint with more personality and class than those semi-literate chowderheads. How they've even managed to keep a blog going for this long is beyond me. Anytime I've seen 'em, they're either huffing paint or taking a nap on that bare, soiled mattress over there in the middle of the lobby. Yup, some reeeaaaal dipshits, that's for sure, reeeeeaaal dipshits.

And, honey, if you're here for fresh content, you're gonna be waiting a while. Seems the man-children in charge of this dump have come to the conclusion that the best way to run a successful blog is to move to Thailand and open up a chain of handjob parlors. How they came to that conclusion, I have no idea. I think I'm safe in saying all the paint huffing had something to do with it, though I've heard the government subsidies for start-up handjob businesses in Thailand are pretty generous. Anyway, they told me to tell visitors that their shit stain of a website will be back up and running after the new year and to offer a can of Campbell's cream of mushroom soup as a token of their appreciation for your patience and support…

…

…

… Here.



Fucking freaks."

Keep us bookmarked! We'll be back Jan. '10!

Thanks for your patience,

The DoF Crew

Your Headlines for November 20, 2009

Nation

Bristol Palin Inks Endorsement Deal with "My Bad" Teenage Pregnancy Tests

Supreme Court Rules Black Jack Taco to Be "Explosive for Your Anus", Orders Taco Bell to Include Surgeon General's Warning on Each Wrapper

Tech

Hadron Collider Parts Believed to Be Purchased from Sears

Lifestyle

After Years of Speculation, Red Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot Admits "I'm Gay"

Business

JC Penney to Leave Christmas Stuff Up All Next Year

Sports

Mark Mangino and Andy Reid Actually Made of Fried Cheese

DoF Newswire: BREAKING NEWS

Atlanta, GA -

In a continuation of the nearly nonstop barrage of crisis scenarios encountered by President Obama since taking office last year comes word of a nationwide Eggo shortage, projected to last well into next summer.

"Well, fuck it all," Obama was quoted as saying upon hearing the news. "Here we are, still scurrying around, searching the black market and eBay like a motherfucker trying to scrounge up enough H1N1 vaccine and now… No. Fucking. EGGOS?! That's some bullshit, man. Straight BULLshit. Can't wait to see how I'm blamed for this on the Drudge Report tomorrow."

In making the announcement, Kellogg warned of chaos, bedlam and tumult spreading like "the warm, rich and delicious natural and artificial maple flavors of Eggo® Syrup" across every "crispy, golden, nook and cranny of this country," adding: "We all remember what happened during the Toaster Strudel Famine of '96. Let's hope we learned from it."

(Above) The 1996 Toaster Strudel Riots brought devastation to almost every major urban center in America.

Famous Last Words

In "The Dark Knight," Heath Ledger's Joker famously said, "In their last moments, people show you who they really are." Which is rather deeply ironic when you think about it, being as he was technically dead by the time anyone realized he'd said it.

In part three of our ongoing series (click for parts one and two), the Diary of Fools brings you the last words of famous people who are also very dead.

"For chrissakes...PLEASE don't let Colin Quinn sing at my service." - Ken Ober

"Oh, go to hell. I'm not gonna say it." - Paul Harvey

"Just remember...if that Kutcher douche tries to have a séance so I can ironically haunt his wife? You promised me you'd shoot him." - Patrick Swayze

"...'Just in case' my ass. If I wake up in a casket ONE MORE TIME, one of YOU will get to use it first." - Andy Rooney

"For the LAST TIME: I do NOT have a penis. And if I'm lying, may god strike me dead." - Bea Arthur

"Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?" - Jay Leno's Career

The Bob Seger Dilemma

I really, really hate Bob Seger with every molecule of my being. I really, REALLY do. I wish he would die in a fire and that his music be sucked into a black hole, never to torture innocent ears again.

But now I have a huge issue. Without Bob Seger, none of this would be possible:

In fact, I've listened to Bob Seger now 20 more times in the past 10 minutes, than I ever would in 10 lifetimes. I would like to watch this video without the music, but then I would miss the sweet, satisfying *THUD* of teenage head against slickly polished wood flooring. It's just SO satisfying. Fuck you Bob Seger. (But thank you all the same).

Digable Planets in MPLS tonight

One of all my all-time favorites that I have yet to see live, until tonight. Interested insects can catch Doodlebug and Butterfly at The Cabooze this eve.

In the meantime in between time, here's a link to a free mixtape download featuring remixed classics and a couple new ones.

Dig ya later, cats.

Sincerely,

Blainey-pie

Blaine Fridley's Lost Bible Passages

Young Jesus and the Birkenstock Salesman
Lost passage from: The Book of Jenkins 3:18

And Jesus said onto the part-time Birkenstock Outlet clerk, "I tell you now that these sandals - of which I purchased not more than one day ago - have failed me. A faulty buckle is to blame, but ye, rectified would the situation become if you were to award the one before you now with store credit."

To which the clerk replied, "Your story moves me, but alas, we do not offer returns on clearance items, and my manager just left to get an Orange Julius."

With this, the son of God, overcome with the irrational emotion that so often dictates the actions of adolescents, blew up the clerk's head with a telepathic mind grenade before heading off to Spencer Gifts to brighten his mood with the purchase of a trucker hat adorned with foam boobies.

Later that day, upon hearing of his actions, Jesus' Uncle Ben sought out his nephew to bestow upon him words of counsel: "With great power comes great responsibility."

"You're not my father!" the Young Jesus snapped back.

Sadly, those turned out to be his last words to Uncle Ben, who shortly thereafter was shot dead during a carjacking that Young Jesus failed to stop.

Champions of Society: Irony Edition

It seems like some people really are just asking for it. And by "it," I'm of course referring to a righteously-deserved booty-violation from the universe as a whole. How else can we really explain the following specimens, who find themselves in a dead heat for recognition as the latest DoF Champion of Society?

First, we have a one James P. Miller, age 20, of Oxford, Ohio. It seems as though Mr. Miller thought it would be exceedingly amusing to carouse about this year's Halloween festivities ever-so-cleverly decked out as a Breathalyzer.

How very droll!

Y'know, there's a subtle detail in that photo that bears pointing out. It's a little rumpled in that photo due to Mr. Miller resembling nothing so much as fifteen pounds' worth of excrement in a ten-pound bag when NOT wearing the costume, but the sharp-eyed observer will note that there is a protrusion in his general "groin" region. Within the context of the costume, this appendage is meant to represent the "straw" attachment a possible intoxication suspect is asked to deliver their breath into when police use an ACTUAL Breathalyzer unit to assess said suspects blood-alcohol content, thereby determining their impairment level as it pertains to citing them for a public drunkenness or Driving While Intoxicated criminal charge. However, the juxtaposition of the straw's placement when worn as a full-size adult Halloween costume vs. where it exists on the equipment it represents is ALSO meant to subtly provide outside observers the suggestion of the external male genitalia, thereby delivering the punch of a naughtily suggestive visual double-entendre!

And just in case you weren't on board with the conceit, there is bold block print with an arrow pointing to the tube, instructing observers to "BLOW HERE." This is funny both because intoxication subjects blow their breath into the actual unit's receptor so it can get a reading, but also because the act of performing fellatio is often colloquially referred to as a "Blow Job" in the commonly-accepted vernacular of crude sexual slang.

For the non-English-majors: Har! It looks like a DICK and says "BLOW!" *(Crush beer can on forehead)*

In a rational universe, this quasi-"clever" costume would be enough to permanently enshrine this turbo-douche in our esteemed Rogues' Gallery. But, if we lived in a rational universe, this blog wouldn't even have to exist in the first place...so this assessment represents a null-set "moot" observation. What REALLY pushes Mr. Miller into the "irony" category is the fact that the above photo is actually a mug shot. You see, Mr. Miller was arrested on Halloween while wearing the costume. The charge(s)? Operating a vehicle while intoxicated, underage possession of alcohol, having an open container and a fake ID.

Ha! THERE'S the kicker!

Apparently, the schmuck was spotted driving the wrong way without headlights on a one-way street. So area police stopped him. And when they did, they found beer in his front seat and in the trunk. When tested for drunkenness, cops said Miller blew 0.158 percent on a Breathalyzer test, nearly twice the legal limit for driving in Ohio (.08).

Chew on that for a second. Were you lucky enough to be passing by at that moment and witness the traffic stop, you'd have seen a dude dressed as a Breathalyzer...blowing into an actual Breathalyzer. And not just blowing into a Breathalyzer, but FAILING THE TEST.

Good Christ. That's pretty much the irony equivalent of dividing by zero. It's so self-referentially META that anyone who saw it might just vanish completely. The only way that could be richer with context is if he had been with a girl dressed like a "Sexy Cop," who was being patted down by an ACTUAL female police officer at the same time.

"You heard me. Spread 'em."

However, the chubby douche up there is just wearing a costume. He can take it off come All Saints' Day, and more or less return to his regular life. Not so with this next loser.

Let's all say hello to Zack:

"Hi, Zack."

Zack, here, is a grade-"A" idiot. He was pulled over in Northwestern Indiana based on a call to police that he was "driving erratically." That's dumb enough. But when the police pulled him over, he pulled an even bigger moron card out of the deck, proclaiming to the arresting officer, "Dude, I do this every night! I'm straight up not drunk!" Not only is admitting to a cop that you drive in an almost constant state of alcohol-marinated impairment up there with sawing off your own genitals with a rusty steak knife on the "Weapons-Grade Stupid" meter, but EVERYONE knows cops hate being called "dude."

Ergo, he was arrested, and charged with a DUI. Of course that's not why this is ironic. No, it's ironic, because even though driving drunk is a dick maneuver, one could ALMOST make the argument that, at least for Zack, it's a birthright. You see, Zack's full name is Zachary R. Duis. That's right. Zachary. R. DUIs. The guy who told cops he drives drunk every night, is named Zack DUIs.

Now, if only HE had been the one wearing the Breathalyzer costume, we -

No. No...it's just too much to contemplate.

As a side note, check out the following exchange among my Fellow DoF'ers when discussing this story:

Moses Rodcancer: Plus, Mr. John PossessionofaSchedule1Narcotic of Racine, WI, will have some company on that particular wall of shame.

Eugene Intrigue: What? Is he related to Shelly PossessionofaSchedule1Narcotic? We had a thing one summer.

Blaine Fridley: Yeah, brother. She's remarried now and goes by "Shelly PossessionofaSchedule1Narcotic-IndecentExposure."

And that, my friends, is what the kids call "Comedy Gold™"

Last and most assurely least, we have a cat named Adam. Adam was arrested Halloween night in Upper Moreland Township, Pennsylvania, and charged with smoking weed behind a bar. When cops searched him during the arrest, they also found a bag of cocaine. Whoops. So, Adam was summarily charged with possession of a controlled substance, and hauled off to jail.

Although, to be fair, it's open to speculation whether or not the cops involved actually arrested him due to the charges, or because he'd be really, really easy to fucking book once they got him back to the station. The reason I wonder this? Well, peep Adam's mugshot:

Horizontal stripes: a "stocky" dude fashion DON'T.

Yep. That's what he had on when they arrested him. When you're a cop, and you see a dude engaging in ostensibly criminal activity, and he's already decked out in THAT getup? You're legally obligated to cast your eyes heavenward and mouth "Thank You" unto the firmament, even if you're an atheist.

However, if the COPS thought Ol' Adam came gift-wrapped? They have nothing on the guys in the holding cell. And I hope they booked his ass within earshot of said cell. Because then the assembled drunks, louts, petty thieves, miscreants and ne'er-do-wells inside would catch Adam's FULL name: Adam Ballingall. And no...I'm not making that up.

Sometimes, Christmas comes a little early. Unfortunately for Adam, I hear most of the guys in the drunk tank DON'T.

Week in Review, 11/1/09

Pseudo-Celebrity Halloween Costume Roundup 2.0

Merton Sussex, Competitive Eater

When I scribbled out last week's Celebrity Costume Roundup, I did so because it came to my attention that there had been a bumper crop of Hollywood douchebags who had half-assed it on my second-favorite holiday of the year (The first? I've always had a soft spot for Valentine's Day. Yeah, I know. Go fuck yourself).

But then a sharp-eyed, charming, witty and dashingly handsome reader (named...um..."Milton Sussman") sent me a link to another dump file of famous-person Halloween photos. And this batch proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that some people in the public eye may just have learned a lesson or three from all of the wardrobe departments they've been through in their careers.

So, without further ado, here are a few paparazzi snaps that have restored my faith in Tinsel-town's ability to not cock it up come October 31st.

1) Kate Beckinsale and Len Weisman


Kate Beckinsale may have made some questionable choices during her career, but dolling up as a ridiculously spot-on Adam Ant was not one of them. Anachronistic cell phone notwithstanding, Her attention to detail here is pretty remarkable. And her husband, screenwriter Len Weisman, is pulling off a Crow so sucessful he could've doubled for Brandon Lee during the last few scenes they shot after they shot HIM. Impressive.

Score: 9.5/10

2) Gwen Stefani


Gwen took her kids trick-or-treating in this admirably authentic Jessie the Yodeling Cowgirl ensemble. To be honest, it's a little TOO authentic, so I'm guessing she has a friend at Disney, which is sort of cheating. But hell...she's rich and famous and she lives in LA. I don't blame her for pulling a string or two if she's got 'em to pull. No matter what, nicely done. Even the laces on the hat are right.

Score: 9/10

3) Rupert Grint


Viddy this horrorshow chelloveck, O my droogies.

Of course, Roop made his bread playing the junior wizard Ron Weasley in the "Harry Potter" flicks, but this delightful getup proves he's got a lot more respect for history than most other young actors. From bowler to suspenders, cutter-cane to lashes, salty smirk to stompy boots o' doom, he's more or less flawless as Alex DeLarge. So much so that I'll bet he didn't get pestered for a single autograph all night. Nothing like sauntering up to the friendly ginger warlock only to find yourself on the receiving end of a bit of the old ultra-violence. Serves you right, thou globby bottle of cheap, stinking chip-oil.

Score: 10/10

4) Eliza Dushku and Rick Fox


I think everyone agrees that vampires have gotten seriously fucking played out the last couple of years. Even so, as much as I'm not a fan of Eliza Dushku, and as much as I never cared enough about the NBA to bother remembering wich team Rick Fox played for, they've nonetheless pulled off a big win here with the "Vampire Bonnie and Clyde" thing. Doubt it? Then just imagine how cool that last shootout would have been if, instead of dying from the reported 50 or more bullet wounds they each received after being ambushed by cops, they had instead risen up from their perforated jalopy, slowly smiled, and then descended upon the posse in order to brutally drain them of every drop of their lifeblood via a series of gapingly-gnawed neck wounds.

Yeah, I thought so.

Score: 8/10

5) Martha Stewart


All right, I'm gonna tip my hand a little bit here, and admit that I have zero clue what the fuck Martha's actually going for with this shaggy monstrosity. Best I can estimate, she's opted to dress as, "Greasy Hairball Retrieved from Clogged Shower Drain." And, as a home-improvement expert, she she has an edge...because she knows that this is precisely what that looks like. So, based on that, she makes the cut for "costume that works," because, um...yeah. I'm actually kind of scared, and more than a little grossed out. Which is kind of the hallmark of any successful Halloween costume, I suppose. Way to go.

Score: 7/10

6) AnnaLynne McCord


Another admission: I had to look up who this person is. Apparently, she's an actress, best "known" for a role on "Nip/Tuck," which I've heard is good, but that I've never seen. Whatever. Unimportant. What IS important is this sweet Black Canary ensemble she's sporting. Big ups for not just going the superhero route, but going for a reasonably OBSCURE superhero. And for more or less pulling it off.

Score: 8.5/10


7) Kellan Lutz


I guess I must be pretty out-of-touch, as this is the second person in a row I've had to Google in order to find out who the fuck they were, exactly. I guess this guy was in that "Twilight" movie, which I have not seen due to the fact that I am not a 13-year-old girl. Nevertheless, he gets a little applause for the Robin gear. But, it's only a little. Reason being - the shoes. Look closely. He's got bottomless rubbery fake-boot overlays that he's wearing over a pair of Chucks. Because, when you're sporting a more-or-less movie-accurate Robin suit, it makes sense to skimp on the footwear.

Score: 7/10

8) Debbie Gibson


Yowza. Remember Debbie Gibson? The '80's teen singer? Apparently, she's still around. And it looks like she's completely ditched the wholesome teenybopper image sometime between posing for "Playboy" and yesterday. Good for her. Better for us. Admittedly, I'm not into skinny chicks, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that this shot makes it move just a little.

Yup. I'd fork her.

Score: 9/10

9) Travis Barker


Here, the Blink-182 drummer takes his daughter to collect candy, and he does it dressed up as "Guy Who DIDN'T Die in a Plane Crash." Hell, his shirt even says "Land," which works as both an abstract verb, and as a literal reference to the good ol' terra firma. In fact, "Not Dead Plane Crash Guy" is pretty much a costume he can pull off with ease and style every year from now on. And anyone who gives him so much as a half-ounce of shit for it is automatically an asshole.

Rock on, dude.

Score: 10/10

10) Kim Kardashian


HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS.

Look...I'm usually the very first person to decry the fact that you evidently no longer actually have to be GOOD at anything to be "famous" these days. I'll always give a genuinely talented musician or actor more respect than some vacuous starlet. But when it comes to sex symbols, few rank on the same level with the exquisite specimen that is Ms. Kardashian. Kim's a bigger smokin' hot bombshell than whatever was left of "Fat Man" after it wiped Nagasaki off the map. She's the kind of gal people used to fight wars over in the middle ages. I don't care that she's well-known for nothing. I don't give a rat's posterior that she has no discernible "talent" (beyond what she displayed in her sex tape). When you're THAT traffic-stoppingly hot, it just completely fucking ceases to matter. I'm sorry...as superficial as I'm not, packing herself into what there is of this Princess Jasmine costume was an inspired move...Both due to the fact that she totally has the exotic look to pull it off, and because JESUS CHRIST SHE'S FUCKING RIDICULOUSLY HOT.

Here's another look. You're very welcome.


Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go smoke an entire pack of cigarettes in a cold shower while imagining Ernest Borgnine putting the wood to Margaret Thatcher. See you in a few hours.

Score: 35DD-26-40/10

Hey, RT, this one's for you

So election day is nearly over... yeah, I know, my timing's impeccable. Anyway, I got this amazing voicemail yesterday from an obviously frustrated old lady, who thought she was leaving a message for the mayor and just wants him to help to keep the goddamn noise outside down! But seriously, no one's listening to her because this probably isn't the first time she's called.

I'm sure RT Rybak is an avid reader of Diary of Fools and will get to helping this lady out ASAP. Rock the vote, people!

Famous Last Words

Imminent death has a way of cutting to the core of who we are as human beings.

With Famous Last Words, the DoF shares with you the last words uttered by some of history's most notable characters before they made their way to The Pearly Gates… or, that never-ending T-Pain concert otherwise known as "Hell".

"Honey, look! One ski!" - Sonny Bono

"I'm definitely going with 'self-cleaning' next time. 'Easy-Off' my ASS." - Sylvia Plath.

"7 years in the big leagues. All I can do is thank God… … and the color barrier." - Jim Joe Edwards, mediocre 1920s baseball pitcher

"Just a sec. Not quite ready." - Houdini

"Grggsrgggerggglesnuuuuhhhhh" - Hellen Keller

MORE Famous Last Words

Pseudo-Celebrity Halloween Costume Roundup

Ah, celebrities. They're just plain BETTER than us regular folk, aren't they? That's why asshole paparazzi follow them around 24/7. Because even if all they're doing is sucking down some overpriced sushi at some suck-up hipster joint that'll close within a month, it's just so much more glamorous than if WE were doing it. Because they're FAMOUS!

Unfortunately, part of the problem of these fame-whore fucks getting photo-stalked every moment they're awake is that we sometimes are forced to confront how lame they can be. And at no time of year is this more evident than at Halloween. See, celebrities don't get enough of dressing up and playing pretend at movie sets, concert halls and fucking Los Angeles in general, so they still go all-out on All-Hallow's. So I thought it would be fun to take a look at a few of them.

Let's, shall we?

1) Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon


Oh...kay. It seems as though Squeaky McCougarboobs and her Child Bride have decided to pay homage to our country's heroic firefighters. And, admittedly, Nick hasn't screwed it up THAT hard. If I saw him on the street, he might actually be able to pass for the real deal, if not for the fact that he's fucking twelve. But Mariah? Yeah, she blew it as hard as she blew Tommy Mottola at her recording contract negotiations. If you went to put down a four-alarm apartment fire in THAT getup, you'd start to think "Backdraft" was a documentary right around the same time the radiant heat from ten feet outside the front door started to melt your implants.

Score: 6/10

2) Jeremy Piven


Scuttlebutt around the Hollywood office water cooler is that Jeremy Piven doesn't just play a massive cock on television, but that his performances are reasonably convincing being as he draws on his experience as an actual real-life penis-munch. Must be a "method" thing.

Anyway, here he is dressed up as an offensive racial stereotype. Although, to be far, it's not like he really put all that much effort into it. A hastily-cut hole in the middle of your hallway rug does not a serape make, you rectum. But hey, at least you also didn't bother wearing a sombrero, so the Latino Anti-Defamation League won't have to bury you in an anthill right up to your receding hairline.

Score: 2/10.

3) Audrina Patridge


Here we have someone named "Audrina Patridge." To be honest, I have zero idea who in the hell she is. However, I'm assured she's quite famous, for some reason nobody can actually articulate. After looking at several other pictures of her on the "internet," it appears as though her "talent" consists of never looking directly into a camera lens while being photographed. I'm not really sure how marketable that is, but it must be worth something, or she wouldn't pop up everywhere like Herpes at a bath house.

Despite this, I include this picture mostly to demonstrate that whoever or whatever she is, she's a goddamned idiot. The reason I say that is that she's apparently dressed like a "peacock." Of course, as anyone with even an ASSOCIATE'S in Ornithology knows, "peacocks" are always male. Hell, even people with a passing interest in the Audubon guide understand that when it comes to most of our fine feathered friends, the male of the species usually sports the more impressive plumage as a secondary sex characteristic intended to help them attract a mate. Only peaCOCKS have that fanning, shimmery tail. Female peacocks are called "peahens," and they're actually mostly gray. So, if you wanna break it down, she's sort of a peacock...in drag...or something. I guess. I dunno. Whatever. I've already spent way too much time thinking about someone who I care less about than I do about whether or not the lint filter on my dryer vent needs cleaning.

Score: 5/10

4) Nadya "Octomom" Suleman


I am assured that this is real. And for once, I have absolutely nothing to say. So...I'm just gonna leave this right here.

Score: 0/10

5) Rob and Marisol Thomas


Here we have Matchbox 20's Rob Thomas, and his wife Marisol. Now, despite the fact that Rob Thomas is kind of a top-40 corporate wimp-rock whore, he's actually pulled out a win here, gearing up as a "Baseball Fury" from the 1979 gang-war cult flick "The Warriors." And I'll be damned if I'm not forced to admit that this is actually pretty cool. He even accessorized with a Louisville Slugger. Golf clap, dude.

Of course, as a team, there's a bit of fail happening here...Because if Rob was going as a Fury, then his wife should have opted for a compatible counterpoint. All it would've taken would be an arm-sling, pink camisole top, and tan trenchcoat, and boom: instant "Mercy." Even more fun would be a leather "Warriors" vest with no shirt on underneath (which would be pretty hot, but still offer decent lady-parts coverage) and some torn jeans. Hell, feather your hair, stick a switchblade into your belt and go as a "Lizzie," for Christ's sake. And that's just off the top of my head. Instead, she's just topped off what she would wear any other weekend with a cheesy wig, and fallen back on the generic "Sexy _________" 98% of women dress up as for Tricks and Treats. Boo. F-minus for effort.

Even so...You win THIS round, Thomas. I will not be shoving that bat up your ass and turning you into a popsicle THIS time. But I've got my eye on you.

Score: 6/10

6) Speidi


Oh, dear sweet n' crispy Jesus Q. Christ in a fucking chicken basket.

Yes, this is what it appears to be. This is the two most useless carbon-based lifeforms in the entire universe (Spencer and Heidi Pratt), dressed up as the SECOND most useless: Jon and Kate Gosselin. Yes, really.

Y'know, this post might just as well have gone up under the heading of "The Day I Lost Faith in Humanity." Because I firmly believe that you are looking at the absolute nadir of the whole of Western culture right...up...there. It's as if the entire douche-o-sphere finally divided by zero and started to eat itself all at once. In fact, the only thing that could actually complete the circle is if the Gosselins reunited for one evening, and went to a costume party dressed as Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar.

And that, my friends, would open the Seventh Seal.

Score: -47/10

The Internet has peaked.

Where do we go from here?

Tragedy and What It Is In Vids: Volume One

Tragedy

I read the news today, oh boy, as I’m sure you did. To say the news was rather sad would be an understatement.

Last night’s tragedy has affected me on a base level that is rarely penetrated. Working my day job has been tedious beyond compare – my mind constantly drifting to this horrible, horrible sadness. Much like Obi-Wan Kenobi, I felt – literally felt – a thousand voices cry out in pain and then immediate silence. My bones are chilled – my sinew stretched. Humanity has suffered a deep wound in its inner thigh and I fear it’s a wound that won’t heal for a year or so. Rallying the troops (i.e. Americans, i.e. fleshpots) is in order more now than ever. Pray with me.

This being the Internet, it goes without saying that you’re already painfully aware. At approximately 11:10 PM yesterday evening, the famed Italian ocean liner, the Andrea Doria, collided with another vessel off the coast of Nantucket Island. The Doria immediately started sinking and was attacked by octopi. The latest report shows that 46 people have perished in this horrific accident, which is 43 more than that NFLstravagant boating accident, involving free-agent defensive lineman Corey Smith. This is undoubtedly being etched into the history books in the “Really, Really Bad” chapter, next to The Spanish Inquisition and Swept Away. The date of July… Twenty-Fif…th… Hmmm… That can’t be right… Nineteen… Fifty-Six?... What the fuck? That’s 52 years ago. This has got to be a mistake. John Boy, what do you make of this?


No, not you… Get me Johnny T-T.


"What's Up, Gener?"

The fucking Doria sank 52 years ago? Did you know that? You said your friend told you it sank last night.


"My friend says a lot of things. Sometimes he's on and, well, sometimes he's not."

No shit, he’s not. His “breaking news” is over half a century old. Your source just made me look ridiculous in front of my readers.


“You don’t need help looking ridiculous, Intrigue. You do a good enough job of that yourself, you fucking sally. Go fuck yourself.”

So, it’s come to that. Getting told to “go fuck yourself” by a washed-up, Jonathan Taylor-Thomas on the World Wide Internet. Ignominious.

Ignominious and…

INTRIGUING!

What It Is In Vids: Volume One

As you may be aware, there is a source of entertainment on this planet called "video games." Some humans use video games as their ticket to escapism. Humans use consoles or PCs to play virtual basketball, drive virtual #77 Subaru Cusco Advan Imprezas, nimbly avoid virtual fried eggs in an attempt to construct giant virtual hamburgers and, of course, save virtual hot-ass princesses that put out.

For those not aware that video games exist, I’ll let Slick Rick briefly break down the advent for you.

Slick Rick? If you please?

"Here we go…
Once upon a time, not long ago,
When people played charades and lived life slow.
When pants were bells and justice stood,
And people were entertained like they ought ta good.
There lived a man named Allan Alcorn
Whose dreams included things like getting high scores - said,
'A-tar-i’s gonna make some cash.
Sellin’ that Pong and makin’ the dash…'
They sold that Pong and money came with ease
And out popped the V.G. industry.
Then Atari made anotha and a sista and a brotha
Got their parents on board and this fun was discovered…”

Ok, that’s enough. Now that I’ve stolen a chunk of your brain matter and stamped “video games” on it, you’ll be happy to know updates will be squeezed into that brain matter on a semi-regular basis in volumes titled “What It Is in Vids”. This is the first volume. DON’T WORRY! The first volume will hurt a little, but it won’t last long. After this one, you’ll notice that each subsequent volume will feel better and better. While the volumes won’t be informative or helpful, they will certainly deliver a nougat-filled center of clever and a “YAY” or “NAY” from Uncle Intrigue.
Dragon Age: Origins


Dragon Age: Origins is a role-playing game (RPG) coming out next week for the PC, Xbox 360 and PS3. It looks like it will be fantastic in 5,000 ways . For those of you familiar with Baldur’s Gate, you probably already know about this game. For those of you familiar with Baldur’s Gate that DON’T know about this game, I’ve got eight words for you, “You should buy this game,… man… or woman.” (Fuck, why did I say eight words? That was close.)

This game has been in development for about 5 years. Needless to say, it’s highly anticipated to those in the know. It will kill from a sales perspective and could kill from a real-life perspective, given the proper amount of acceleration and/or suspension of disbelief. It looks to be a deep, plot-rich, heavily detailed RPG that promises between 40-80 hours of solid gameplay.

What garned some attention and ire from the gaming community was EA’s use of Marilyn Manson’s opus “This Is the New Shit” in its initial trailer. Please view below for instant titillation.



Seem over the top and inappropriate for an RPG video game? No worries. That’s why Jesus created the Hawaii Five-O Theme Song.



To make my opinion known, old Geners gives Dragon Age: Origins a hearty YAY. It should be purchased and played at any cost. Don’t have a gaming unit? Fuck you, buy it. Business bad? Fuck you, buy it. Place got hit by lightning, huh? Fuck you, buy it. That’s not nice. I’m sorry. What I’m trying to say is this game will be highly pleasurable in ways both cerebral and spiritual.

And thus concludes the first installment of What it Is in Vids. Stop groaning! They all won’t be this long. I hoped you enjoyed it and have not evaporated. That would be disconcerting.

Disconcerting and…

INTRIGUING!

MySpace still has it!

I am one of the many millions of people around the world that still has their e-vestigial tail, aka a Myspace account. I pay my ridiculous fucking phone bill more often and cheerfully then I check that old web-buick.

If Firewalls could talk...

However the great thing about abandoned fads is being able to observe those who stubbornly hold onto that glory, becoming illogically standoffish for whatever came in its wake.

(Granted this can go the other way. After disco came and fell, the backlash was violent. Too bad too, Disco fucking rules. But basically the bridge and tunnel riff-raff got Springsteen so really it was just god's way of letting the beautiful people do coke off each other's penises in their own company if you want to split hairs. But again, I bet Discotheques were basically the Garden of People Watching Eden in the 80's.)

I'm not here to ''dutch rudder' both social networking giants, or really even to disparage one or the other (seriously!)

No, I am here to celebrate whats left of Myspace.

Left in the wake of the under dressed tweens and mirror shots; something much more beautiful arose. Have you ever gone to Walmart after midnight? These are your people. The salt of the earth. Not bad people. Somewhat honest people. They don't get into the 'fads' us go-go hipster douche bags get into. Not in time for the fad anyhow.

No. They talk straight, they mean what they say (kinda,) and they hold nothing back.

Like our friend, A.J.



Wait...what? NOTHING in your brain puts up a stop sign and says "private message"?

Thanks again, Myspace.

Yours in honor,
Reno

Treasury Dept. Punishes Bailout Recipients with Pay Raise

As you may have seen on the news ticker scrolling underneath the 24-hour balloon boy coverage last week, the Treasury Dept. announced big cuts in compensation for top execs at companies that received bailout packages (AIG, Citi, Bank of America, GM, GMAC, Chrysler and Chrysler Financial).

Well, according to a Wall Street Journal report this morning, pay czar Kenneth Feinberg did slash TOTAL compensation by roughly half.

Turns out, he also gave them a raise.

Confused?

I'm sure Czar Feinberg is hoping you are.

Seems after slashing compensation, poor Kenny started getting a little executive push back for his measures.

Apparently some corporate heads thought K-Fein's actions would make it difficult for companies to retain their top talent. (You know, the same top talent that ran the world's strongest economy into the shitter? Yep, wouldn't want to lose that talent.)

So, obviously not wanting to screw himself out of a high-paying banking position once he left the U.S. Treasury, he agreed to boost the base salaries of the 136 employees under his watch to an average of $437,896.

This includes DOUBLED salaries for 13 of the 21 employees at 34% Gov't-owned Citigroup, who, by the way, recently slashed my personal credit line in half for a tardy payment completed unrelated to the credit card I have with them.

Sometimes the phrase "Go fuck yourself" seems altogether too cocksuckingmotherfucking cordial, doesn't it?

Additionally - the WSJ article states - this move also seems to contradict Feinberg's promise to do away with the short-term incentives and guaranteed cash that fueled the reckless actions leading to economic disaster, and instead focus more on tying pay to long-term performance.

But whatever, yo! What do we have to worry about anyway? The Dow is up! Billions are being made again on Wall Street! Fiscal crisis averted! Oh...wait.