Monday Morning President with Blaine Fridley

Where an underachieving, 2.9 GPA-havin' 2nd-tier state university graduate takes on the Harvard-educated leader of the Free World.

Welcome to the inaugural edition of Monday Morning President! I realize it is not Monday. And as I type, "morning" is quickly fading. But I just recently returned from an extended Caribbean holiday, bitches... every fucking day this week feels like Monday morning. So, like... shit, man. Mellow your criticizzy a tad will you?

OK. Let's get right into it:

Several weeks ago, while touring a Maryland training facility for energy jobs, President Obama announced 8.3 billion in federal loan guarantees to build a nuclear power plant in Georgia. It would be the first such plant built in the country in over three decades.

The good news about the announcement?

This president pronounced "nuclear" correctly.
The bad news?

Well, aside from the fact that it's a backwards move at odds with the forward-thinking (but apparently poor listening ) "green voters" hugely responsible for Obama's election and the fact that it's a proven failed technology that's no safer or less expensive than it was 30 years ago, there really isn't any. Oh, and some may also find the fact that about a quarter of existing plants in the U.S. (built with the same technology that would be used for the new Georgia plant ) are leaking tritium slightly disconcerting.

Pssh. You ol' Nervous Nellies, you.

(Above) Seems fine.

Others still might even furrow a collective brow at the fact that Wall Street wouldn't invest its morning turd on nuclear energy (thus leaving taxpayers as the sole insurers of this highly volatile energy source as anti-nuclear activist Harvey Wasserman points out).

Obama has two words for those people:

"Come aaaahhhhn…"

So with virtually everybody against the development of nucul--damnit--nuclear energy, what in the fragglerockin' name of Zeus is Obama's motivation here?

I dunno.

Maybe these guys can tell you.

From the Diary of (Kinda) Mad (Half) Black Man

As the second most influential biracial male in these United States I regret that I have allowed you all to go so long without telling you how you should feel about all things current and multiracial. So, without further ado… Actually there will be some “ado”. I think “ado” gets a bad rap. Every time it’s mentioned it’s always “without further ado” or “much ado about nothing”; he’s never quite given a fair shake. SO here you go “ado” – take a bow, this moment is yours.

The AABA – Otherwise known as the “All-American Basketball Alliance”, this is the fledgling basketball league currently being touted by one Don “Moose” Lewis. Given no more information than the name of the league (hint – “alliance”) and moniker it’s promoter, I’m sure you will not be hard-pressed to imagine why I feel the league should be more aptly named the Aggregate Aryan Basketball Alliance. This league’s goal is to put the fundamentals back in professional basketball and how else would they accomplish that than by the tried and true method of segregation. You read that right. Blacks and foreigners need not apply. There’s even talk of having a “SnowBall vs. Bro-Ball” game at the end of the season featuring players representing the respective sides of a black and white cookie. It’s a shame Adolph Rupp isn’t around to serve as honorary coach.

Seriously, give me a break dude. This is the most ridiculous sports concept I’ve seen in my short life and I’ve lived through SlamBall AND the XFL, not to mention the WNBA. The truth is that fundamental basketball is simply not the most entertaining sport in the world and without the athletic innovations that have taken it to its’ current success, professional basketball would not exist. And soon, neither will the AABA.

Chris Matthews – MSNBC pundit Chris Matthews recently made a rather remarkable comment following President Barack Obama’s State of the Union Address. Evidently caught up in a bout of Obama fever, Matthews confided that he was so moved by the speech he “forgot Obama was black for an hour.” Look, I’m not even (kinda) mad at the sentiment he expressed. But when he forgot he was black did he then remember he was white? Or did Obama cease to have color? If the feelings only lasted an hour are we sure he wasn’t just on shrooms? I hear those tend to bend perception of color and reality. And why is it that whenever a person of color can express themselves slightly more eloquently than Rosie Perez it suddenly becomes possible for them to be seen outside of the context of their ethnicity? I get what you were trying to say Mr. Matthews, but I don't get why you thought that was the best way to say it.

Well that’s it for now my little mestizos and mulattos. Enjoy Black History Month!

DoF Newswire: BREAKING NEWS

Atlanta, GA -

In a continuation of the nearly nonstop barrage of crisis scenarios encountered by President Obama since taking office last year comes word of a nationwide Eggo shortage, projected to last well into next summer.

"Well, fuck it all," Obama was quoted as saying upon hearing the news. "Here we are, still scurrying around, searching the black market and eBay like a motherfucker trying to scrounge up enough H1N1 vaccine and now… No. Fucking. EGGOS?! That's some bullshit, man. Straight BULLshit. Can't wait to see how I'm blamed for this on the Drudge Report tomorrow."

In making the announcement, Kellogg warned of chaos, bedlam and tumult spreading like "the warm, rich and delicious natural and artificial maple flavors of Eggo® Syrup" across every "crispy, golden, nook and cranny of this country," adding: "We all remember what happened during the Toaster Strudel Famine of '96. Let's hope we learned from it."

(Above) The 1996 Toaster Strudel Riots brought devastation to almost every major urban center in America.

Your Headlines for October 12, 2009

Media Watch

Recently Fired Local Anchorwoman "Young at Heart, but Old in the Face"

World

Obama Nobel Peace Prize Apparently Not a Joke
Leader of world's largest, most aggressive military was really selected;
Jon and Kate to nominate selves for "Parents of the Year".

Woody Allen Endorsement not Helping Roman Polanski's Case

Local
Balls Rested on Gym's Locker Room Sink as Man Shaves

They Took Our Jobs!

Martinis Aren't a River in Egypt

What it is, Bs & Gs? Let's have some fun - with MARTINIS!

Here's what we'll do, I'll go mix up a knockout and you do the same.

After we're done with #1, we'll reconvene and comment on recent events.

What fucking fun! Let's not waste time. Let's shake it up!

Martini #1 Consumed

Ya-ha. 1st one's in the books. Let's take a look at some current events, shall we?

We motherfucking shall... Fuck... Ass...

Website for martini uno is USA Today. Let's see.

Holy fucking nightmare.

Seeing your parents in wax sucks ass. This is not firsthand knowledge - this is
instinctual knowledge, derived from various shitty horror movies circa 1975-present.

No matter how much you'd like to see your paraffin parents - abstain! They will come to life, perhaps not in really-real life, but at least in your head. In defense of ownership, your real parents will have to fight your wax parents, and then who do you root for? Wax parents?

Come to think of things, they could be super chill and zero maintenance from a geriatric standpoint. "I checked my parents into a home. So sad. How are your parents doing?" "Fucking fine, so long as they're kept away from open flames."

Eugene's thirsty! Battle stations, cohorts.

Martini #2 Consumed

Bah-kay... psshhoo... Let's do this. How 'bout People?

Oh... This shit is too easy.

Kim Kardashisomething is drinking what now? Unlikely. This sounds like a martini that's coated with nonsense. Methinks Kim Kar-etc... is in really-real life drinking a martini, like myself. She's a sensible media creation. She needs the pure... Moving on.

Rhianna is drinking tequila. Rhianna should be drinking tequila. Why did Hitler drink tequila? It made him mean. Kudos Rhianna. Destroy Chris Brown with your drunken anger. Nest? I actually typed "nest" instead of next. Honest Intrigue... Next?

Jennifer Love Hewitt. Her drink is fucking boring... Next. (though check out One Block Radius' track "I Like Him", which features a lyric pertaining to JLH)

So Hangover big dick and Keanu Reevers like Black Mojitos? Damn it, children. This drink, allbeit assuredly delicious, is fucking stupid. It only contains 2 oz of fun. Do a g.d. shot.

That's it. This was fun. I'm out. Remember, things that interest you should be big-ups virile and...

INTRIGUING!!!

From the Diary of a (Kinda) Mad (Half) Black Man: Chia Obama?!?!

Traditionally, April showers have been known to bring the same ole’ May flowers. But now, thanks to Joseph Enterprises, creators of the ever-popular and amusing ‘Chia’ line, April showers will now stimulate the growth of your very own presidential afro. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you – Chia Obama! Available in both “Determined” and “Happy” this botanic bust of the 44th President of U.S. of A. is available nationwide and can be found in between the terra cotta likenesses of such luminaries as Elmer Fudd and Kung-Fu Panda. Or perhaps he will be alongside Garfield, Shrek, and Bart Simpson. Maybe Scooby-Doo and Shrek? Starting to see a trend here? Not limited to cartoons, Chia creations also come in the form of animals, trees, even an alarm clock. At this point it hardly seems like an honor for our President to be chosen for a Chia portrayal. Actually starts to become a bit of an insult.

In fact, the only other human being who has ever been Chia-ized is the venerable Mr. T. No disrespect to Mr. Lawrence Tureaud, the man who introduced 'jibba-jabba' to American lexicon, but even he would admit he is hardly of the same distinction as President Obama. Factoring in his appearances in the first two Wrestlemanias, his 1-800-Collect commercials, and his most famous roles as B.A. Baracus and Clubber Lang, the guy was practically born for clay immortality. For Chrissake he was an actual cartoon at one point!

So why choose these two iconic figures above all others? I took the liberty of noting the similarities between the ‘T’ man and our fair President.

1. Some level of African descent.
2. Ability to grow an afro.

…

Not exactly the strictest of criteria, huh? Now I get that Obama is one of the most marketable beings on the planet right now. But I find it hard to believe that a Dubya Chia wouldn’t have sold just as well. Or Albert Einstein and Jerry Garcia for that matter. Maybe a fro of foliage just seems more amusing atop a re-creation of a Black likeness. I might just be missing the point, but I am not amused. And since Walgreen's has pulled Chia Obama from its shelves, I imagine I’m far from alone.

Cartoons, animals, and black people. Sounds like the cast of a 40’s era Warner Bros. cartoon. But this is 2009 and I expect more. Even from a Chia pet, dammit!

Pet Peeve #4: Embryos

by JR, Dharma and Greg denier

Two humans are trapped in a burning building, a small, innocent child and a Petri dish of adorable little stem cells. You can only save one. Who do you save? I’d save the Petri dish because it’s easier to carry.

Pro-life groups have been bashing Obama for lifting the ban on stem cell research, calling the new administration the “culture of death,” similar to what democrats called the Bush administration. Way to be original, Republicans! Obama isn’t killing people like Bush did, he’s actually doing the opposite – he’s cloning them. Unfortunately, these clones won’t be old enough to vote for Obama by 2012. But it gives us plenty of time for brainwashing.

Women who oppose embryonic research should have them implanted into their uterus. Any takers? Put your hand down Octopus Mom.

Embryos do not have the same rights as me. They can’t vote. They can’t smoke cigarettes or buy porn. They can’t eat tacos or even flip people off. Basically, they suck. If there’s any moral worth in keeping them, it resides in the potential for further human development. To the religious conservatives, the destruction of these stem cells is no less of a crime than abortion (or murder). I’m starting my Adopt-a-Stem Cell program soon; hopefully I can milk some money out of these folks. The idea is similar to the Adopt-a-Highway program. They give me money and I don’t throw out the stem cells. It’s genius!

If I was having tea with the Pope, I’d probably ask him if an oocyte hosting a transferred DNA nucleus has more rights than an oocyte not hosting it? Or, does a fertilized ovum from an IVF clinic that has been borrowed in order to make a blastocyst have more rights than the pluripotent hES cell? And if it does have more rights because its trophechtoderm makes it totipotent, is each interior pluripotent hES cell less of a potential person just because it no longer has access to a trophoblast? If so, would the pluripotent hES cell be considered a potential person if we could discover how to turn on its trophoblast genes and make a placenta? Answer that Pope! (Source of big words: Ted Peters, Genetics & Ethics). He doesn’t believe Dinosaurs coexisted with humans, does he?

Maybe we shouldn’t name scientific discoveries cute, like “stem cells” and “embryos.” Let’s stick with the big long medical terminology. There’s only so much you can fit on a protest sign. “Stem Cells are People Too” fits perfectly. “Multicellular Diploid Eukaryote are People Too”, not so much.

There are activists that speak out for those “who don’t have a voice,” like, for kittens or those who can’t speak. But to support those who will never exist to begin with makes me question their mental stability. The potential for life does not equate to actual life. Ask any of the millions suffering from diseases such as Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, AIDS, acne, spinal cord injuries, etc.

Finally, stop holding signs up with dead babies on them! I’m trying to get lunch and I’m not exactly in the market for an abortion. All I can think about are the babies the protestors killed to make those signs and the poor guy at Kinko’s who had to print them. Do you think his supervisor made him do it?

Obama:

(Negligible) Change You Can Believe In Become Embittered By

'Member a while back when I wrote about how laughable the notion was that ANYBODY from the Democratic or Republican Party would bring true change to our country? No? Read it here if you're in to half-baked political rants. And then you should watch this chilling side-by-side from Tuesday's Daily Show comparing Bush's and Obama's strategy in Iraq:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Mess O'Potamia - The Iraq War Is Over

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Joke of the Day

Everybody together, now: Vomit. Weep. Repeat.

Your Headlines for March 2, 2009

Local

Overcompensating Roommate has TV Constantly Set to Versus Network, Claims Love of Lumberjack Competitions, UFC

Yet "somehow the TiVO is loaded with episodes of Gossip Girl that I didn't put there," says fellow roommate.

Politics

Black Republican Obviously Hates Self

Washington

Obama Promises Not to Sign Bills with Earmarks… Except This Time… aaaannd Maybe Next Time"

Semi-Circle Jerk

In the greatest annual circle jerk in U.S. politics, President Barack Obama addressed the first joint session of the new congress last night. If you think you missed out, you didn't. It was more tough-talking greedy CEOs, convincing Americans we will survive the economic crisis, and restoring faith that the American Dream is still alive and well. Fortunately, there were some primo quotes uttered as the attendees left the chamber doors. They also had weed brownies and Kool-Aid at the post-address reception.

Nanci Pelosi (D - CA) - "So many standing O's! I felt like a sprightly ninth-grade cheerleader about to run for class president!"

Tom Rooney (R - FL) - "This is my first time. I've never been more excited! I wasn't sure when to clap, so I just watched Orrin Hatch."

Ruth Bader Ginsburg - "That jagoff made me stand up to greet him? Ahh, the nerve! I think I tore some stitches."

Michelle Obama - "Did you see me make sandwich meat out of that poor girl during the awkward hug?! OMG!"

Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger - "Why are they still inviting me to all these political events?"

Joe Biden - "Bored. I just couldn't keep myself from inadvertently toying with my program even though I was plainly visible to the camera the entire time. At least I didn't do the creepy Cheney smile."

Olympia Snowe (R - ME) - "I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention...too busy ski poling Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham."

David Axelrod - "For a speech that wasn't written by him, he certainly did a hell of job selling originality and candor. Am I right?! RIGHT?! The 'rod has still got it! Where's the bubbly?..."

Barack Obama - "It's like a goddamn preschool playground in there."

Just Kidding!

Hey there suckers! It’s your Commander in Chief, Barack Hussein Obama! I fooled you. All this ‘Yes We Can’ and ‘Vote for Change’ mumbo jumbo was my cousin’s idea. ‘Our time for change’, ‘A New beginning’, ‘Women for America’, sounded hilarious at the time. We were so high. My favorite is “We must pledge once more to walk into the future”. What the hell is that supposed to mean?

This whole community organizer gig was just me getting the family together for the holidays.

Now, onto business, the American people voted for me based on things that they call "issues." Issues are different things that people like to fight about. It’s pretty entertaining. With that said, my job is to outline a few of these issues.

Economy: I started watching the news recently and all I hear is whining and complaining. “I can’t afford a gym membership,” “I had to sell my Timeshare in Boca Raton,” “I can’t feed my family.” Boohoo. Reality check, you couldn’t afford to feed your family or go to the gym when the economy was good either. You just got caught is all. Since people can’t manage their money as well as they’ve been pretending to, I’ve come up with an alternative solution. Check this shit out, there’s a building where they make money. It’s called the US Mint. Let’s go to that building. Let’s start printing a shit ton of money.

Immigration: We’ve tried posting the National Guard at the borders. We even allow crazy dudes with automatic weapons wander the deserts hunting them. But still, the aliens keep landing on our property, mowing my lawn and trimming my hedges. I’m announcing a new initiative to keep legal and illegal aliens out of America. Sure, we could push the border north a bit or make New Mexico part of regular Mexico again but I have a better idea. A moat. It will be approximately 20 feet wide and connect the Atlantic with the Pacific Ocean. We can put signs up saying “Keep Out” or “Turn around” with pictures of el chupacabras. We need to stop being known as the “Tierra de Oportunidad” and start being known as (lowers voice) “Tierra de Muerte.”

Terrorism: I’ll continue to utilize the Bush Administration’s ideology of fighting terrorism: Freak everyone out. Personally, I like this idea. When explaining why we’re at war to the American people, Bush has explained to me that it is very important to make your Ns sound like Qs and your Afghanistan’s sound like Pakistan. In the meantime, I’ve set up a two stage, color-coded system to warn Americans when we are under attack. Red stands for “We are under attack” and blue stands for “We are not under attack.”

The Environment: Global Warming is only getting worse. Which is super serious since initial predictions said it would destroy Earth. I propose sending 10,000 troops into outerspace to fight the war against sun. I’ve named the mission Operation Yellow Dwarf. Clever, I know. If that doesn’t work, we can change our thermometers from Fahrenheit to Celsius. And if that still doesn’t work, I’ll have Al Gore wave his magical wand laser pointer, repeat the words “Drowning Polar Bear” and “Melting Icecap” five times and “poof”, people will recycle and buy more hybrid cars.

My boy Biden has explained to me that there are even more issues that should be covered, like Education and Health Care. I will address these after I Google them. Thank you and God Bless America!

DoF Newswire: Obama's First Presidential Press Conference

Obama to America: "Smoke it if you got it…"

"…'cuz our shit's all jacked up"

• Bailout package to include funds for something called "National Daily Puppy Dog Hour." And ice cream. Lots and lots of ice cream.

• Public works initiative set to convert mansions of top executives of government assisted banks into free municipal water parks.

• General Motors modifies all assembly plants for Ramen Noodle production.  

'twas Only a Matter of Time…

… before this and this got the re-mix treatment:

Champions of Society, Sincere Edition: COOLEST. PRESIDENT. EVER.

Merton Sussex, Bad Motherfucker

During the presidential campaign, Barack Obama captured my attention (as he did with so many). So, once it became apparent that he was becoming a force to be reckoned with, I decided to learn what I could about the guy, and bought a copy of his memoir, "Dreams From My Father." The first thing that struck me was the cover. Primarily, the fact that "Barack Obama" was listed as the author. And the ONLY one. There's no subtitle under his name in a font point size 10% of it that said, "With Hiredgun O'Ghostwriter." Every word on the page came right from the man who is now the president.

So, I read it. And, while it was apparent in certain stretches that Obama was never gonna be F. Scott Fitzgerald prose-wise, it was very engaging, thoughtful, and had heart to spare. For a lawyer and politician, the man had written an extremely competent book.

After finishing the book, I moved on to "The Audacity of Hope," which turned out to be just as good, if not better. I felt like I had a pretty solid, unflinching handle on Obama at that point, given his own unfiltered words and ideas having come across so vividly on the page. I had a feeling he'd be the coolest president we've ever had. Once he got elected, I knew I'd been right.

As it turns out, I had no idea how right I was.

See, in the excitement of the primaries, the nominations, the runoff, election night, and inauguration, I'd forgotten something. Three things, actually. Three things I should have remembered:

First - That there had been a minor "plot" point of the book concerning a childhood classmate of Obama's who had not been a good influence due to his use of foul language. Obama told the story to illustrate how otherwise good, intelligent people can be negatively affected by their environment, and act like thugs in search of acceptance.

Second - In his writing, Obama did not censor the actual words used by this friend in order to enrich the anecdote and make the point vividly clear

Third - The Audiobook version of "Dreams From My Father...HAD BEEN READ BY THE AUTHOR.

As I am so fond of saying in situations like this: I'm sure you can see where this is going.

Recently, some enterprising folks on the cyber-nets got themselves a copy of the Audiobook of "Dreams", and did a little selective ripping of a few of the passages from that particular section of the book. And, as you can well imagine, out-of-context, it's some of the funniest shit you've ever heard in your life.

Bear in mind as you listen to the following clips that the man speaking is currently President of the United States. This is not an impostor, nor is it an impressionist...It is actually Barack Obama.



"Good heavens, I fear that the complexity of this situation has proven a touch overwhelming for my capability level."


"I understand that not all persons of European or Anglo/Saxon descent possess inferior mental capabilities, but some Caucasians truly lower the bar in terms of sub-par levels of intelligence."


"I'm sure I needn't further illustrate the severe deficiency of that other fellow in comparison to myself. You're well aware that I possess far greater capabilities, correct? Honestly, he's quite beneath me."


"Absolutely, my dear. I am more than elated to provide you the specific sequence of digits you would need to enter into the keypad of your personal communication device in order to reach me at mine."


"Apologies, but you are not in any way subordinate to me, you attractive and successful person of African-American heritage. Therefore, if you wish to consume a piping-hot ration of pomme frites, I'm really afraid I must insist that you invest the capital to procure them for yourself."


Jimmy Carter was dinged for going on record in an ill-advised "Playboy" interview as saying he had "committed adultery in my heart many times." Prior to a press conference, Ronald Reagan once forgot the oldest rule in the book (treat every microphone as though it's live), and uttered the now-infamous phrase, "We begin bombing in five minutes" in reference to the Soviet Union. And lord knows Dumbya had his fair share of broadcast gaffes, most notably his assertion to then British Prime Minister Tony Blair that certain Middle East turmoil would cease if they could just "...get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit."

But the fact remains that in 2009, we have a president who is not only on record as saying, "You ain't my bitch, nigga. Buy y'own damn fries," but that it is intentional, widely available, and DIDN'T HURT HIM POLITICALLY AS HE WAS ELECTED PRESIDENT BY AN OVERWHELMING MAJORITY.

Holy fuck, I love this country.

Photographer Captures High Point of Bush Administration

Just HOW much support does Barack Obama have?

By Merton Sussex, Rabble-Arouser

The U.S. presidential campaign is heading into the home stretch. And, if poll numbers are to be believed, Barack Obama's going to win by a considerable margin.

Of course, the GOP, in a move reminiscent of actual racism, thinks that fake racism is going to swing things their way in the polls. But they don't call it racism. Like they usually do when discussing race, they use code-words in an attempt to camouflage their motivation. They refer to the racism they're HOPING exists using terms like "The Bradley Effect," or, "Voter's Remorse." But when you strip out the euphemism, what it boils down to is: The Right really feels like the average American isn't going to actually be able to bring themselves to pull the lever for a black man once in the privacy of the polling booth.

Me? I call bullshit. And why?

Because even shameless, flaming racists are gay for Obama.

Witness this article from Esquire.com. They surveyed a handful of active white supremicists, and...no shit...3 of the four support Obama.

"McCain would be much worse. He’s a warmonger. He’s a scary, scary person--more dangerous than Bush," says Tom Metzger, Grand Dragon of the Ku Klux Klan during the 70's. You might remember him as Geraldo's guest the day his nose got broken. In addition, they talked to a man named Erich Gliebe, Chairman of the white power group National Alliance, and former boxer who hit the ring with the name "The Aryan Barbarian." Of the junior Senator from Illinois, he said, "I give Obama credit, he seems to have stuck to his guns as far as pulling the troops out of Iraq. He’s a very intelligent man, an excellent speaker and has charisma. John McCain offers none of that."

So, the Klan and Aryan nations peeps are on board, ready to rock with Barack. Who else?

Well, the Jackson Clarion-Ledger, Jackson Mississippi's daily newspaper, has endorsed Obama for President, too. You can read about it here.

"So what?" you say? "A lot of newspapers are endorsing Obama. And hey, just because they're from Mississippi, that doesn't necessarily mean they're racist, so don't stereotype." And you'd be well within your rights to say that.

However, I refer to them as "racist" because of their unfortunate history. The day after Dr. Martin Luther King's famous "I have a Dream" speech in 1963, when almost a quarter-million African-Americans marched on Washington demanding jobs, freedom, and civil rights, the above-the-fold headline on top of the front page of the Jackson Clarion-Ledger read: "WASHINGTON IS CLEAN AGAIN WITH NEGRO TRASH REMOVED." Yeah. Really.

We shall overcome, indeed.

The Day I Lost My Faith in Humanity, part XI

by Blaine Fridley, Editor-in-Spleefs

with help from a posthumous Sam Kinison

OK, so this story is a few days old, which in the up-to-the-nanosecond blogosphere makes it staler than those fish sticks in the carousel vending machine at work. (Nothing says "We care about our employees" better than vending machine fish sticks. Fucking ew. I'd rather pay 75 cents to snack on a used tissue, you choose the discharge.) But only today did I stop choking on the rage-produced bile that resulted from this:

Yup. This really happened. In 2008. 

So what fringe, whack-a-doo white supremacist outfit is responsible for it? I'll give you a guess: this group is usually identified with just 3 letters. You have 30 seconds…GO!

OK, contestants…markers down. And you guessed "What is the KKK?"

Oohhh, good guess, but the answer you're looking for is "What is the GOP?" Yes, "What is the GOP?" A subtle difference I know, but I'm afraid the judges can't give it to you. Thanks for playing. 

Yup, this HILARIOUS little spoof depicting Barack Obama as a donkey on a $10 "food stamp" framed by a watermelon slice, a bucket of fried chicken, rack of ribs and the Kool-Aid Man was included in a newsletter sent out by those sultans of satire, the Republican Women of Inland SoCal. ZING! 

Read about it here if you haven't already.

But here's the thing: I don't know what's more offensive, the actual "food stamp" itself or the explanation/"apology" given by Diane Fedele, the group's president. SoCal's Press-Enterprise reports "she simply wanted to deride a comment Obama made over the summer about how as an African-American he doesn't look like all those other presidents on the dollar bills.

"It was strictly an attempt to point out the outrageousness of his statement. I really don't want to go into it any further," Fedele said in a telephone interview Tuesday. "I absolutely apologize to anyone who was offended. That clearly wasn't my attempt."

Clearly, Diane. Clearly. Please continue.

Again from the Press-Enterprise:

Fedele said she got the illustration in a number of chain e-mails and decided to reprint it for her members in the Trumpeter newsletter because she was offended that Obama would draw attention to his own race. She declined to say who sent her the e-mails with the illustration.

SHE was offended that "Obama would draw attention to his own race?"!! In the words of the late, great Sam Kinison:

Look, bitch: the only reason he brought it up is because THE MCCAIN CAMP BROUGHT IT UP! No, McCain didn't come right out and say "Don't vote for the black man". It's more subtle than that. The recent rash of outbursts (and lack of GOP contrition re: those outbursts) during McCain/Palin rallies is a perfect example.

Continuing from the P-E story:

She said she doesn't think in racist terms, pointing out she once supported Republican Alan Keyes, an African-American who previously ran for president.

HA! Sounds a lot like the "I'm not racist, I watch Oprah" defense. Besides, supporting Alan Fucking Keyes is no way to ingratiate yourself with the African American population. 

"I didn't see it the way that it's being taken. I never connected," she said. "It was just food to me. It didn't mean anything else."

You never connected? A bucket of chicken. Watermelon. Kool-Aid. Ribs. That "never connected"?! Sam, if you would one more time, please:

And her piece de resistance:

She said she also wasn't trying to make a statement linking Obama and food stamps, although her introductory text to the illustration connects the two: "Obama talks about all those presidents that got their names on bills. If elected, what bill would he be on????? Food Stamps, what else!"

Your Headlines for October 9, 2008

From DoF Newswire

Fascination with Sarah Palin Enters "3rd Hour at Strip Club" Phase

Media onslaught desensitizing most Americans

Rolling Stones Outlive Last Original Concert-Goer

Obama Receives Wacky Tie from Children, Shamed into Wearing it During Debate

Plays "Heart and Soul", starts blinking in middle of health plan explanation

McCain Fellates Veteran on Live Television

@8:45 of this video, he does everything but offer to wash this dude's ballsack with a warm, moist velveteen cloth:

Which led to this text exchange between my wife and a friend, quite possibly the best exchange since the advent of texting technology:

Wife: "Wow. McCain should've just sucked that
veteran..."

Friend: "Nah chill...no way he coulda done that with Reagan's,
Roosevelt's and Brokaw's dicks in his mouth."