Let the Avalanche Begin!

LOOK OUT! Here comes the cataclysmic post-election Sarah Palin snowslide of stupidity wherein we learn little Trig isn't the only special needs member of the Palin Clan.

The DoF Presents: 1 More Reason to Clown on Republicans

Reason #2,451: They Have the Lamest Celebrity Endorsments EVER.

McCain Fellates Veteran on Live Television

@8:45 of this video, he does everything but offer to wash this dude's ballsack with a warm, moist velveteen cloth:

Which led to this text exchange between my wife and a friend, quite possibly the best exchange since the advent of texting technology:

Wife: "Wow. McCain should've just sucked that
veteran..."

Friend: "Nah chill...no way he coulda done that with Reagan's,
Roosevelt's and Brokaw's dicks in his mouth."

DoF Exclusive! The Joe Sixpack Interview with Blaine Fridley

Gov. Sarah Palin has been in the spotlight on the stage of American politics since her coming-out party at the 2008 Republican National Convention. Supporters hail her as reformer. A young, photogenic woman whose MILFy attractiveness belies her reported reputation as a feisty pit bull willing to take on the "mainstream Washington insiders" and fight for the average American. A maverick, if you will. Her detractors, on the other hand, do not like her because she is in fact, none of these things. That, and she's grossly under-qualified. Details, details, details.

Over the course of several highly scrutinized interviews and one recent debate, voters have been learning more and more about just where, exactly, Palin stands on the issues and who she wants to represent by sifting through her sludge of mixed tenses, muddled run-on sentences and cumbersome, over-done colloquialisms for nuggets of vagaries. 

From this, the Alaskan governor has made it very clear that nobody is expected to benefit more from a McCain/Palin victory (Tina Fey not included) than Joe Sixpack. 

So just who, exactly, is Joe Sixpack? The DoF traveled to his southern New Jersey split-level to find out.

DoF: Let me first apologize for scheduling this interview during the Eagles game.

Joe Sixpack: Oh, that'sJEEEEZUS MCNABB! THROWITAWAY!THROWITAWAY! Sorry, about that. You wanna beer or a deviled egg or something?

DoF: No thanks. So tell me, how did it feel when you heard Palin specifically making your well-being a priority of the McCain/Palin campaign?

JS: FUCKMEUPTHEASS!HE'S OPEN!HE'S OPEN! FOR THE LOVE OF RON JAWORSKI'S LEFT TESTICLE WOULD YOU FUCKS PLEASE PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS! I'm sorry, I'm sorry…what were you saying? 

DoF: How do you feel about Palin making you a priori--

JS: --Palin? Well, yeah, I'd bang her I guess.

DoF: Bang her?

JS: Yeah, bang her. You know bend her over that moose carcass and really go to town, you know? There's something about a woman in Mossy Oak® Camo that gives me a wicked stiffy...am I wrong?

DoF: Well-

JS: -well what? You queer or something? Nah, I'm just messing with youOHFUCKMEUPTHEASSWITHRANDALLCUNNINGHAM'SBIGBLACKCOCK! CATCH THE FUCKING BALL, JACKSON YOU ASSHOLE! I can tell you who SHOULDN'T be vice president, Andy Fucking Reid, that's who. That asshole couldn't coach a team out of a broom closet.

DoF: The question was actually how do you feel about Palin taking up your cause, and will that sway your vote come November?

JS: Vote? I haven't voted since the late '80s.

DoF: Bush or Dukakis?

JS: Bush or Dookiewhonow? What the hell are you talking about? No, I voted Bud Dry for MVP of Bud Bowl III. You remember that kick return he had to win the game? That. was. awwwwesome! I actually taped it if you wanna watch it-

DoF: -oh, no, that's OK

JS: Fucking great, here it is:

DoF: Umm...yeah, that's great.

JS: I also have some pretty great titty flix, if you're into that.

DoF: No, I think I'll-

JS: -you'll think nothing, because I don't watch pornos with other dudes. So forget about it, queer.

DoF: Look, don't you think you owe it to yourself to vote for a ticket that is claiming to have your best interests in mind?

JS: Actually, I owe it to myself NOT to vote for McCain/Palin.

DoF: Really?

JS: Yeah, it's like Howard Stern said: "If the gods had intended for people to vote, they would have given us candidates." 

DoF: I think that was Howard Zinn who said that.

JS: Howard Zinn? Who the hell is that? Either way, I'd still bang that Palin broad.

Election 2008: The VP Debate

by Blaine Fridley

So far I've sat through one RNC speech, two hilariously painful interviews that she had weeks to prepare for and now a debate, or rather make that a "debate". And from those wonderful opportunities to define herself to the American public, this is what I know about Sarah Palin:

1. Like McCain, she's a maverick.

2. Her lack of syntax, folksy "ya betchas" and "ya darn rights" mixed with an ability to meld unrelated talking points into meandering, convoluted, mega run-on sentences all team up to make my head hurt very badly.

3. Did I mention the McCain/Palin ticket is a team of mavericks? Well, if I didn't, just ask Sarah Palin a question, ANY question, and she'll be sure to bring it up 3-7 times within her answer:

So, Gov. Palin, what Top Gun character would you say you would model your vice presidency after?

"Maverick."

And your favorite NBA franchise?

"Mavericks."

Mel Gibson movie?

"Mad Max. HA! You thought I was going to say Maverick didn't you? Well, I didn't…because I'm a maverick!"

Are you aware that you're a vapid wasteland of nonsensical ramblings?

"I'm gonna have to look up the definition of vapid and get back to YA."

I loathe you.

"Maverick."

We all know there's only ONE Maverick. And he looks amazing playing topless beach volleyball in skin-tight jeans. 

Last night, in the first and only scheduled VP debate, fans of schadenfreude and train wrecks everywhere tuned in to see what we thought was going to be the inevitable Palin breakdown. 

Ultimately though, we were let down. The catastrophic embarrassment many of us were hoping for did not happen. Instead, we had to settle for just regular ol' embarrassment. Nothing really worth bumping The Office for, anyway.

It's that subterranean bar that has led people to speak of Palin's Thursday night performance as competent. I can think of one "c-word" to describe Palin, and it sure as hell isn't competent.

From Ezra Klein on Prospect.org: 

"Palin turned in a genuinely competent performance, and Biden turned in a superlative one."

Marc Ambiner on Atlantic.com:

"Averaging expectations, style and points, it was a wash. Partisans have reason to be satisfied; I honestly have no idea how undecided voters will react…"

Adding: "…she did nothing negatively indelibly memorable, and, at times, was positively impressive."

Washington Post:

"Palin, who struggled with questions in televised interviews, came to Thursday's debate well briefed. She did not stumble over names of foreign leaders. . She had quick comebacks when Biden challenged her or went after McCain."

The Guardian:

"Palin defies critics and delivers punchy performance in debate against Biden."

The New York Times:

"By surviving her encounter with Senator Joseph R. Biden Jr. and quelling some of the talk about her basic qualifications for high office, she may even have done Senator John McCain a bit of good, freeing him to focus on the other troubles shadowing his campaign."

Were we watching the same debate?

Just because Palin didn't shit her pants and then, terror-stricken, stare into the camera until her head blew up like that scene in Scanners, doesn't mean her performance was competent:

In fact, it was FAR from it. Here's a typical response from last night's debate:

Now doggone it? 

What are you, an 1840s prospector?

"Our schools have really got to be ramped up in terms of funding…"

…and you plan on doing that by NOT raising taxes while simultaneously

hemorrhaging billions of dollars in Iraq?

"I come from a house full of school teachers…"

Really? Are they the ones who taught you about sentence structure and verbal punctuation? 

Limited talking points and broad ideas with not even an attempt at further clarification. This is all we got last night. If this were a high school debate class, she would've received a D+…maybe.

Yes, there is a link FOX News

At least they are just coming over the top with it.

This just in:

McCain/Palin
Make Aim at Palestine
Coincidence????

Joe Biden channels Larry David

It's time to play everyone's favorite game,

   

Joe Biden Stump Speech or 

Scene From "Curb Your Enthusiasm"?!

Ready, contestants? Heeeeere we go!

Joe Biden asks man in wheelchair to stand up:

Who would make you feel more comfortable as Vice President of the United States?

Haven't we seen this "the more ignorant I am about an issue (in Palin's case RE: EVERYTHING) the more brazenly resolute I'll be about it" bit somewhere before?

Fucking A. Mr. Fareed Zakaria, please, break it down:

Palin Is Ready? Please.
McCain says that he always puts country first. In this important case, that is simply not true.

Fareed Zakaria
NEWSWEEK
From the magazine issue dated Oct 6, 2008

Will someone please put Sarah Palin out of her agony? Is it too much to ask that she come to realize that she wants, in that wonderful phrase in American politics, "to spend more time with her family"? Having stayed in purdah for weeks, she finally agreed to a third interview. CBS's Katie Couric questioned her in her trademark sympathetic style. It didn't help. When asked how living in the state closest to Russia gave her foreign-policy experience, Palin responded thus:

"It's very important when you consider even national-security issues with Russia as Putin rears his head and comes into the airspace of the United States of America. Where—where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border. It is from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right there. They are right next to—to our state."

There is, of course, the sheer absurdity of the premise. Two weeks ago I flew to Tokyo, crossing over the North Pole. Does that make me an expert on Santa Claus? (Thanks, Jon Stewart.) But even beyond that, read the rest of her response. "It is from Alaska that we send out those …" What does this mean? This is not an isolated example. Palin has been given a set of talking points by campaign advisers, simple ideological mantras that she repeats and repeats as long as she can. ("We mustn't blink.") But if forced off those rehearsed lines, what she has to say is often, quite frankly, gibberish.

Couric asked her a smart question about the proposed $700 billion bailout of the American financial sector. It was designed to see if Palin understood that the problem in this crisis is that credit and liquidity in the financial system has dried up, and that that's why, in the estimation of Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson and Fed chairman Ben Bernanke, the government needs to step in to buy up Wall Street's most toxic liabilities. Here's the entire exchange:

COURIC: Why isn't it better, Governor Palin, to spend $700 billion helping middle-class families who are struggling with health care, housing, gas and groceries; allow them to spend more and put more money into the economy instead of helping these big financial institutions that played a role in creating this mess?

PALIN: That's why I say I, like every American I'm speaking with, were ill about this position that we have been put in where it is the taxpayers looking to bail out. But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health-care reform that is needed to help shore up our economy, helping the—it's got to be all about job creation, too, shoring up our economy and putting it back on the right track. So health-care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions and tax relief for Americans. And trade, we've got to see trade as opportunity, not as a competitive, scary thing. But one in five jobs being created in the trade sector today, we've got to look at that as more opportunity. All those things under the umbrella of job creation. This bailout is a part of that.

This is nonsense—a vapid emptying out of every catchphrase about economics that came into her head. Some commentators, like CNN's Campbell Brown, have argued that it's sexist to keep Sarah Palin under wraps, as if she were a delicate flower who might wilt under the bright lights of the modern media. But the more Palin talks, the more we see that it may not be sexism but common sense that's causing the McCain campaign to treat her like a time bomb.

Can we now admit the obvious? Sarah Palin is utterly unqualified to be vice president. She is a feisty, charismatic politician who has done some good things in Alaska. But she has never spent a day thinking about any important national or international issue, and this is a hell of a time to start. The next administration is going to face a set of challenges unlike any in recent memory. There is an ongoing military operation in Iraq that still costs $10 billion a month, a war against the Taliban in Afghanistan and Pakistan that is not going well and is not easily fixed. Iran, Russia and Venezuela present tough strategic challenges.

Domestically, the bailout and reform of the financial industry will take years and hundreds of billions of dollars. Health-care costs, unless curtailed, will bankrupt the federal government. Social Security, immigration, collapsing infrastructure and education are all going to get much worse if they are not handled soon.

And the American government is stretched to the limit. Between the Bush tax cuts, homeland-security needs, Iraq, Afghanistan and the bailout, the budget is looking bleak. Plus, within a few years, the retirement of the baby boomers begins with its massive and rising costs (in the trillions).

Obviously these are very serious challenges and constraints. In these times, for John McCain to have chosen this person to be his running mate is fundamentally irresponsible. McCain says that he always puts country first. In this important case, it is simply not true.

URL: http://www.newsweek.com/id/161204© 2008

Thank you, Fareed.

Election 2008: An Open Letter to the Undecided Voter

By Blaine Fridley

Dear Undecided,

A recent Associated Press poll shows that when it comes to choosing a new leader to captain the partially capsized vessel known as America, you - along with 18% of voters in this country - are apparently having a hard time deciding which candidate should get your vote.

Hmmm...really?

You are living in the most polarized political climate in our nation's history. And assuming you're planning on voting for one of the two major party candidates and not one of those 3rd party freaks like some clowns I know, the differences are as clear and distinct as, well, blue and red. There is no fence to sit on because the fence that divides the two candidates is crowned with electrified barbed wire. And manned by Checkpoint Charlie sharpshooters. And surrounded by a moat filled with hyper-carnivorous robot alligators from the future. That's no kind of place to sit, man.

Assuming Obama is truly devoted to seriously turning even half his promises into policy (Which I don't think will happen. Sorry. Jesse Ventura ass-raped my idealism 10 years ago by screwing the young voters who got him elected in the first place) and assuming McCain will continue to carry-out the Bush agenda (despite his laughable claims that "change is coming"), the overlap on this Venn diagram is about the size of a pinhole, at least on its face. Though, being the Zinn-head that I am, I'm personally assuming that anybody running as a Republican or Democrat ultimately answers to lobbyists, big business, etc.

But let's forget about that and take a quick look at some head-to-head comparisons, starting in order of importance:

Marijuana

("I like, take it as needed for back pain and depression and shit.")

Obama:

-He's cool, man.

McCain:

-Believes it's a gateway drug and opposes legalization. Lamers.

Foreign Policy

Obama:
-Would engage in direct talks with Iran.
-Opponent of invasion of Iraq as Illinois State Senator, campaigned against war in 2004 Senate campaign.
-About Iraq, he stated in April 2007, "there's no military solution to this. We've got to have a political solution."

McCain:
-Opposes unconditional diplomatic talks with Iran.
-Hardcore supporter of Bush's war policies.
-Once sang "Bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb-bomb Iran" to the tune of the Beach Boys classic, "Barbara Ann".

Abortion

Obama:
-Pro Choice

McCain:
-Anti-Choice except in cases of incest, rape or birth putting the mother's life at risk. His running mate, though, believes women shouldn't even have the right to abort pregnancy in cases of incest or rape. Yeah, forcing women to not only live with but care for the product of the most dehumanizing, scarring thing one can do to another…THAT'S the moral high ground. What a fucking snatch.

Moving right along…

Labor

Obama:
-Supported the Employee Free Choice Act, federal legislation that grants workers the right to join unions free from employer harassment or intimidation.
-Supports requiring the wealthiest Americans to pay a higher tax rate to finance these tax credits and other federal programs.
-Supported raising the minimum wage and indexing it to inflation. Obama voted in favor of raising the federal minimum wage to $7.25 an hour.

McCain:

-Supports keeping the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy, where the top tax rate was cut from 39.6% to 35.0%, giving the very wealthy a tax windfall.
-Not only failed to sponsor EFCA legislation, he voted against the motion to close debate, effectively killing the Employee Free Choice Act (H.R. 800, Vote #227, 6/26/07).
-McCain voted against increasing the minimum wage (SA.44 to S.256, Vote #26, 3/7/05).

Misc.

Obama:
-Claims MLK, Ghandi and Cesar Chavez as heroes.
-Mac user who admits to being addicted to his Blackberry.
-Musical favorites include Bob Dylan, Stevie Wonder and The Fugees.
-In front of audiences, he's inspiring, thoughtful and eloquent.

McCain:
-Claims his hero is Teddy Roosevelt, a world-class prick.
-Admitted to being computer illiterate.
-Music makes him angry.
-In front of audiences, he comes off as an anthropomorphic tree stump, only less captivating.

So there you have it. One candidate at one end, the second candidate on the other. I know you love both parties falling all over themselves to solidify your vote, but stop being such an attention whore and make a choice. And by that, I mean not John McCain.

Sincerely,

Blaine Fridley

Political Gimmicks

By Lucy Parker

I follow politics pretty closely, here in America and abroad as well. I find the whole American election process to be interesting; from the actual candidate to the political strategists and the all too typical itineraries politicians seem to be on since birth. One thing always seemed apparent to me, whether Republican or Democrat, all politicians are pretty much the same, just different labels.

However, in 2004 at the Democratic national convention my interest was peaked by a young Illinois state senator. Ever since his key note speech, I have followed Senator Barack Obama; a former community organizer to United States senator, and now the Democratic nominee for president of the United States. Needless to say, it was apparent that this election would be like no other election this country has seen. I saw it as an indication of this county’s progress, an indication of what this country might yet one day be. In early 2007, when Senator Obama announced his candidacy for president of the United States it was an understatement to say he gave me hope, he gave me faith.

The Democratic primaries would be a historic race, and Hilary Clinton proved to be a formidable opponent. While I was not a supporter of Senator Clinton, she has a proven political record and is capable of running this country, something I could respect. I was proud, not only as a Hispanic woman, but as an American; that in only a few short decades since the Civil Rights Movement and in under a century since women fought and earned the right to vote, we were in the midst of a presidential election where two of the top candidates were an African-American and a female.

With a majority of the country’s political attention span staying focused on what was happening with the Democratic primaries, it became clear after a tight race that Senator Obama would win the nomination. And even when it was clear that Senator Obama would win the nomination, the momentum stayed with the Democrats. A desperate move would be needed, a move that would either sink or swim the Republican chance at presidency. The Republicans never being one to be short on political strategy, came up with the biggest political gimmick of them all by naming Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin as their Vice Presidential nominee.

Sarah who? I had only heard of Governor Palin once before, when it was announced that she was 7 months pregnant while in office. An apparent news worthy event. A self-styled “maverick”, Senator John McCain and his campaign made repeated references to how Governor Palin has taken on the good ol’ boys club, while offering little to back it up. A simple Google search would yield the necessary information needed about Governor Palin.

This self-described “hockey mom” who likes to hunt and the great outdoors is also a life-long member of the NRA and supports drilling in Alaska, including the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR); has stated as recently as a month ago, then taken back, that she thinks global warming is not caused by man, and has gone up against the government to remove polar bears and beluga whales from the endangered species list. I guess that is what they are referring to when they say Governor Palin has gone against the good ol’ boys club, because a further look into her policies shows otherwise. Governor Palin is against a women’s right to choose, even in cases of rape and incest; she is against same sex marriages and in the past has supported referendums denying same sex couples state health benefits. Governor Palin also supports the death penalty and abstinence only sex education programs, and her foreign policy literally scares me.

These are not new policies; Governor Palin does not represent the reform this country needs, just like Senator McCain doesn’t. So, why did Senator McCain chose her as his running mate? Because she is a female, and because after the last 8 years of the Bush administration, they needed to present some form of opportunity of change. For Governor Palin, being female is the only difference.

It is true, the woman vote is powerful. But, to expect us to vote for someone, to expect anyone, to vote for someone because of their gender, is insulting. I have never once doubted that in my life time I would see a female president, or a could-be female president. However, I, like so many other Americans, imagined that the female candidate would be someone worthy and capable of the position, not someone who was chosen as a political gimmick. Personally, I cast my vote based upon the candidate who has the most similar political policies as I do.

While I do not agree with Governor Palin’s political policies, it is not the reason I do not find her capable of the office of vice president. Governor Palin put it best as to why she isn’t ready to be vice president: "As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?" (CNBC's "Kudlow & Co", July 2008)

Election 2008: RNC Wrap-up

By Blaine Fridley, Editor-in-Chief/Pog Enthusiast, Advocate and Ambassador

St. Paul, MN-

So it's over. The Republicans have left our sleepy little capital city, the hookers following in the wake of their SUV convoys like dolphins following the trail of food scraps dumped overboard from a Carnival cruise ship. Dolphins with daddy issues and drug dependency who do double penetration for only $20 extra, that is. 

Yes, finally I can get to downtown St. Paul unabated to enjoy everything it has to offer. Like drinking. And betting on the tumbleweed races. And drinking. And I can do it all without being pepper-sprayed or interviewed by Tucker Carlson whilst on my way there.

To tell you the truth, it was my original intent with this post to recap last week's festivities until I remembered, "Hey, hasn't the mainstream media covered enough of this GOP circle jerk already? Why don't you give your readers something fresh, worthwhile and entertaining? Why, Blaine, don't you give them a dance lesson by James Brown instead?"

And so I replied to myself, "Self, that's a brilliant idea. I love everything about you and what you represent. You're the greatest man I've ever known." [Moves in for a slow, sensual kiss with reflection in mirror]. 

A-hem. Sorry. That got a little weird. Sometimes I forget that other people are reading this. 

Anyway, see you in hell, GOP. It's time to get on the good foot:

Election 2008: Oh, WTF...now look at THIS shit.

By Allistair Beaumont Chedley-Whythe III, Syndicated Incredulous Observer of Crumbling Societies 

John McCain's "ineptitude express" (to be pronounced 'campaign') rolled through what can only be marked as WTF country recently, as an already weird political season ramped up for the big push into the twilight zone.

Everyone has seen the McCain add likening Obama to a celebrity intelligence vacuum. If not, here it is:

As you see, the particular vacuums he is equated with are P. Hilton and B. Spears. Not wanting to beat a dead horse, but the implication is clear; Obama is a cleanly packaged, media loved, mass marketed, celebrity that is more image than substance. Anyone with that much celebrity cannot be taken seriously in the political arena.

Strange twist number one: The Hilton family gave to the McCain campaign to the tune of $4,800, the biggest single donor contribution allowable under current campaign finance laws. This is only strange because before I insinuate their daughters' idiocy on national television, I usually don't take the family for damn near 5 grand, and I didn't see a move with that much style coming from the McCain camp. Kudos to the McCain camp

Strange twist number two: Most of us have seen the retort that P. Hilton posted on "funny or die" that announces her candidacy and pokes fun at John McCain's age. Further on in the add P. Hilton actually reads off a cue card an energy plan that is pretty concise and rather astute. (By the way I almost got hard at this point in the ad but then I remembered that she was just reading someone else's words off a card and actually has all the synaptic lightning of the static cling of my left trouser leg.)

This is strange because I didn't really think she was going to retort, and if she did, I don't think that anyone could have expected it to be this effective. So kudos to the Hilton camp.

Strange twist number three: After viewing the retort from the Hilton camp, the McCain camp actually issued a statement! First of all, you can’t respond McCain. You never respond to someone who has nothing to lose. Worse yet any response is a losing proposition. If he claims that she has a weak understanding of the issues, well of course she does, she’s Paris fucking Hilton! If he says she has a good understanding of the issues, well the operating premise of the whole ad campaign was that P. Hilton and other celebrities are unfit to lead - so are they or aren’t they. Does his camp really think this is something that will get him anywhere? Or is it their futile attempt to grab at anything that might not be getting in the AARP newsletter? I shit you not, this is the actual statement as taken from the Huffington Post:

McCain's spokesman has responded to Paris' new video:
Sounds like Paris is taking the 'All of the Above' energy approach that John McCain has advocated -- both alternatives and drilling. Perhaps the reality is that Paris has a more substantive energy plan than Barack Obama.

So what is he saying?
Possibility 1:
“We should be running against P. Hilton as she has a more substantive energy policy?” Of course you wish we were running against her, she’s Paris fucking Hilton.

Possibility 2:
“Paris is still an idiot, but even an idiot can come up with a better energy plan than Obama.” So if you purport to have a better energy plan than Obama, that is not much of a victory because you are still a mouth-breathing idiot like Hilton.

Possibility 3:
“Looks like we’ll have to widen the potential VP pool to include this Hilton broad.”
Normally this would be out of the realm of possibility, but the way those geniuses are running a good candidate into the ground, I have to wonder…. WTF.

I'm Voting for Nader (or How to Lose Every Ounce of Credibility with Just One Post)

by Blaine Fridley, Delusional Optimist/Vote Flusher

I admit it. Like many of you, I went through a phase this spring were I was completely gay for Obama. And not just "sorta" gay, either. I mean like "Carson Kressley-getting-teabagged-by-Terry the rollerskating male prostitute from Reno 911-while-watching-The Bird Cage-and-listening-to-the-Grease Soundtrack-laying-on-my-unicorn sheets-and-ordering-from-the-Crate and Barrel catalog-on-my-penis-shaped phone" gay.

Oddly enough, that was right around the time I grew this mustache. But that's neither here nor there.

So why did I find myself so enamored with this youngish senator from Illinois?

That's simple. Because he was offering - come on, everybody say it with me - CHANGE! Very good.

And after 2 terms of the most abject failure in presidential history, well, who wasn't in the mood for A LOT of change?

No doubt about it, it seemed that Sen. Barack Obama offered change in just about every aspect. He could read off of a teleprompter without stumbling over every polysyllabic word. And if, by chance, he did stammer for a split second, he wouldn't get all squinty and engage in a stare-down with the teleprompter, as if the prompter purposely threw in a 4th grade spelling test "challenge word" to make him look like an ass. The more I saw of Obama the more the list just seemed to go on. He was more charming and intelligent, he sold himself as a "uniter" and appeared focused on leading, not blaming or fear mongering. He was inspirational. Charismatic. Calculating-yet-conversational. And yes, he also happened to be our country's first truly viable non-white candidate, which quite honestly was an attractive - albeit shallow - aspect of the Obama candidacy for me.

Basically, the head-to-head comparison between George Dubs and Barack Obama looked something like this:

VS. .

So, naturally, it was hard not to get excited about Obama.

And then, just as it happened to Anne Heche, the gayness started to wear off (though in all honesty, Anne, I don't think one should decide whether or not being a lesbian is right for them after a few months of scissoring with Ellen Degeneres...but I digress). After all the initial excitement about having a leader who wouldn't disgrace the nation every time he opened his mouth and the bonus incentive of witnessing the White House being painted black (as George Clinton predicted so many years ago in "Chocolate City") subsided, I began to realize something. Our president SHOULD be intelligent, level-headed, stately, diplomatic, charismatic and inspirational. All those things should be expected, not hoped for, damn it.


It seems we've been dealing with a worldwide punchline as our president for so long, we wet ourselves at the first sight of a confident, attractive, articulate candidate promising "change", selling optimism and telling us everything we want to hear.


I hate to be the Icy Hot in the lube bottle during the midst of this cross-country Obama circle jerk, but I think everyone needs to relax and take a step back from the rhetoric for a minute. Just exactly how much do people think will change if he becomes president? His refreshing persona aside, what kind of change are we talking about here? It's not as if he's some radical from a super progressive party. He's a heavily funded candidate of the Democratic Party, the same people that brought you John Kerry for fuck's sake.

When it comes down to it, do you think Obama is going to do what's right for this country's majority, or cater to influential constituents that helped get him elected? Would the Democrats really risk damaging the cozy and lucrative relationships they have with special interest groups and big business who donate hundreds of millions of dollars to keep them in office by supporting a candidate who would fight against many of these same entities? I'd like to think so. But probably not.

Republican or Democrat, history says the next president is going to embrace one policy over all others: The Status Quo. Which is to say, keep the top 10% super rich and the other 90% overworked, underpaid and misinformed. And anybody who honestly thinks we'll see fair, single-payer universal healthcare and a full withdrawal from Iraq on Obama's watch might as well vote for McCain. The chances are about the same. ZERO.

For that reason, I've decided to vote for Ralph Nader. Laugh if you want (I've heard plenty already) and pepper me with all those completely ridiculous "it's just a vote for John McCain" threats (it's not), but it's the only vote for true change there is in this election, and I'm going to exercise it. Because the way I see it, a vote for anybody running as part of the Republican/Democrat oligarchy is a wasted one.

Like what you're reading? Pass it on!

http://www.votenader.org/issues/