DoF Newswire: Eye on Current Events

Over 160,000 NASCAR fans managed to snap-

out of their catatonic state brought on by the 

election of a black president just in time to take 

in the 51st running of the Daytona 500.

NASCAR official Buster Auton stumbles for

the right words after being told that he "smells

nice" by honorary Daytona 500 pace car driver

Tom Cruise.

John McCain takes delight in the "feats of negro

athleticism" at the 2009 NBA All-Star Weekend,

calling Slam Dunk champ Nate Robinson's 

performance the most exciting thing he's 

witnessed "since Nat Holman in the 1924 Set Shot

Competition." 

 

Practicality once again rules

the runways of NYC's

Fashion Week.

Your Headlines for October 27, 2008

From the DoF Newswire:

Sports

New York Knicks Diagnosed with Team Cancer

2008-09 season outlook bleak, analysts give team 2-6 weeks

Phillies Take 3-1 Series Lead, Now Just 3 Games Away from Historic World Series Meltdown 

Election '08

McCain Scoffs at Polls Suggesting Obama Victory

Complains they don't account for his planned ballot tampering, systematic voter fraud
 

Society

Snoop Dogg Releases Study on Male/Female Relations

Report concludes "bitches be crazy these days"

Diary of Fools: Champions of Society

A Merton Sussex, Barry Metropolis, Reno Gruber, and Blaine Fridley joint


Chances are you've heard the name "Ashley Todd" in the news in the last week. For the uninitiated, Ashley was a McCain/Palin '08 campaign worker. I say WAS because she's also the sack of shit who claimed that she was attacked by a 6'4" black man who supposedly robbed her, pinned her to the ground and scratched the letter "B" (apparently for "Barack") on her face. She said she felt it was a politically-inspired attack of violence, brought on by his having seen a "McCain '08" bumper sticker on her car.

Only problem is...It never happened. Which is why her contributions to the GOP race are spoken of only in the past tense these days.

From MSNBC:

"Ashley Todd, 20-year-old college student from Texas, admitted Friday that the story was false...Todd was charged with making a false report to police, and [a spokesman] said police doubted her story from the start."

Gee. THAT oughta help the campaign.

As with so many things, this incident sparked a round of e-mails around the venerable DoF HQ. It was begun by Reno, when he mailed a link to the above-quoted article to all of us. Why we bother e-mailing each other when we pretty much have all of our desks in a circle in an abandoned warehouse downtown and could just as easily speak, I've never completely understood. But in this case, it's a good thing. Because while usually we all post our own stuff, this particular round-robin spate of e-mails was a little too fun not to put up more or less verbatim. So, here it goes:

*****

Reno: Hey guys...Check this out:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27350530/

At least shes not a fat slob on top of it.

Merton: ...Or racist.

Y'know, what is it with incorporeal black guys? Honestly! Motherfuckers are always stirring up shit. They probably pull TWICE as much as they get blamed for. Someone ought to round these imaginary assholes up and put 'em in jail...At least until after the election. Otherwise they're liable to have all kinds of nonexistent riots if Obama loses.

White people suck sometimes.

Barry: "Todd told investigators that she suspected the man then noticed a John McCain sticker on her car, became angry and punched her in the back of the head, knocking her to the ground and telling her, 'you are going to be a Barack supporter,' police said in a statement."

This imaginary perp has the same MO as I do: I'll be right in the middle of a holdup and, BAM! Just like that, I get all political on my victims.

Merton: Hey, you! Gimme your wallet! NOW!

Wait, what is this...An ACLU membership card? A receipt for a pledge to NPR? Coupons for organic baby food? A spare key for your Prius?

All right. You're free to go. Sorry to have bothered you, sir.

Blaine: Nice. Hey, anybody wanna turn this back and forth into a post?

Just askin'.

(Five minutes pass.)

Blaine: Wow. I never knew there was tumbleweed in cyberspace, you lazy fucks.

Merton: It's not that nobody wants to DO it, boss. It's just that we're all hoping someone else will.

*****

There ya go. Consider yourselves sufficiently-informed as to the inner workings of the Diary offices. Hope that helps you sleep at night.

So, in the aftermath of this fiasco, just one in a series of seemingly hundreds of cinderblocks tied to the jaunty McCain/Palin '08 "Hot Air Express" campaign balloon (the basket of which McCain is still shoulder-height waving from even as the silk is on fire, the bottom is digging a trench, and there are no more spectators to see him), I'm left wondering what the cops' first clue was that Ashley Todd was more full of shit than a port-a-potty at Bonnaroo. Maybe it's the fact that the "B" on her face is backwards (as if she did it to herself in the mirror). Perhaps it's that she has a hinted-at history of mental illness. Or maybe, just maybe it's that she was so nutty that she was reportedly kicked off the Ron Paul campaign.

Whatever the impetus for her little false representation turns out to be, I'm not sure I care. Anyone that stupid, racist, and Republican can only serve as a bad example, anyway. However, if it turns out that her idiocy contributes in any small part to an Obama presidency, I'm buying her a fucking fruitbasket...Pun definitely intended. I'll send it to whatever sanitarium she winds up in.

Any ideas for what I should write on the card? Leave 'em in the comments.

Champion of Society

Naming Your Kids Dumb Shit

There is an infinite list of crap that you can do to screw up your kid’s life, most of which you have no control over. However, naming your kid is something you do have control over. So before naming your kid you should consider all the possibilities and then consider the name contenders default nickname’s a.k.a shit your kid could be tormented with.



I never really got why people would name their kid Richard, it’s too easy. As soon as kids are old enough to realize what dick means, you know they’ll be using it against the poor schmuck named Richard. Kids will use anything they can think of against a name, literally. Take the name Mary, it’s a very common name, no one could be made fun of for that. Wrong. As each generation gets older, let’s just say they “mature” a lot faster than you would think. Thought nothing was wrong with Mary, well here’s a little ditty I once heard “Mary, Mary, quite contrary, well the hell is your p*ssy so goddamn hairy?” It is that simple people.


So think long and hard people before you go naming your kid because not only will they have to suffer with it until they can legally change it, but they will resent you even more than they already probably will. Take this dude for example, Mark Ciptak of Tennessee and his wife had already chosen on a nice name for their baby girl, Ava Grace. Apparently that didn’t suit Mr. Ciptak, because after their little bundle of joy was born he decided to name his daughter Sarah McCain Palin.


Mr. Ciptak is quoted as saying “I took one for the cause . . . I can’t give a lot of financial support for the campaign. I do have a sign up in my yard, but I can do very little.” In addition to naming his kid after douche number 1 and douche number 2, it seems as if he never even discussed this with his wife because she still doesn’t believe him. If Mr. Ciptak wanted to name his kid after a terrible political leader, he should have named it Richard Nixon; two birds, one stone, if only it was a boy.

http://www.tricities.com/tri/news/local/article/elizabethton_baby_named_sarah_mccain_palin/14996/

McCain Fellates Veteran on Live Television

@8:45 of this video, he does everything but offer to wash this dude's ballsack with a warm, moist velveteen cloth:

Which led to this text exchange between my wife and a friend, quite possibly the best exchange since the advent of texting technology:

Wife: "Wow. McCain should've just sucked that
veteran..."

Friend: "Nah chill...no way he coulda done that with Reagan's,
Roosevelt's and Brokaw's dicks in his mouth."

Election 2008: An Open Letter to the Undecided Voter

By Blaine Fridley

Dear Undecided,

A recent Associated Press poll shows that when it comes to choosing a new leader to captain the partially capsized vessel known as America, you - along with 18% of voters in this country - are apparently having a hard time deciding which candidate should get your vote.

Hmmm...really?

You are living in the most polarized political climate in our nation's history. And assuming you're planning on voting for one of the two major party candidates and not one of those 3rd party freaks like some clowns I know, the differences are as clear and distinct as, well, blue and red. There is no fence to sit on because the fence that divides the two candidates is crowned with electrified barbed wire. And manned by Checkpoint Charlie sharpshooters. And surrounded by a moat filled with hyper-carnivorous robot alligators from the future. That's no kind of place to sit, man.

Assuming Obama is truly devoted to seriously turning even half his promises into policy (Which I don't think will happen. Sorry. Jesse Ventura ass-raped my idealism 10 years ago by screwing the young voters who got him elected in the first place) and assuming McCain will continue to carry-out the Bush agenda (despite his laughable claims that "change is coming"), the overlap on this Venn diagram is about the size of a pinhole, at least on its face. Though, being the Zinn-head that I am, I'm personally assuming that anybody running as a Republican or Democrat ultimately answers to lobbyists, big business, etc.

But let's forget about that and take a quick look at some head-to-head comparisons, starting in order of importance:

Marijuana

("I like, take it as needed for back pain and depression and shit.")

Obama:

-He's cool, man.

McCain:

-Believes it's a gateway drug and opposes legalization. Lamers.

Foreign Policy

Obama:
-Would engage in direct talks with Iran.
-Opponent of invasion of Iraq as Illinois State Senator, campaigned against war in 2004 Senate campaign.
-About Iraq, he stated in April 2007, "there's no military solution to this. We've got to have a political solution."

McCain:
-Opposes unconditional diplomatic talks with Iran.
-Hardcore supporter of Bush's war policies.
-Once sang "Bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb-bomb Iran" to the tune of the Beach Boys classic, "Barbara Ann".

Abortion

Obama:
-Pro Choice

McCain:
-Anti-Choice except in cases of incest, rape or birth putting the mother's life at risk. His running mate, though, believes women shouldn't even have the right to abort pregnancy in cases of incest or rape. Yeah, forcing women to not only live with but care for the product of the most dehumanizing, scarring thing one can do to another…THAT'S the moral high ground. What a fucking snatch.

Moving right along…

Labor

Obama:
-Supported the Employee Free Choice Act, federal legislation that grants workers the right to join unions free from employer harassment or intimidation.
-Supports requiring the wealthiest Americans to pay a higher tax rate to finance these tax credits and other federal programs.
-Supported raising the minimum wage and indexing it to inflation. Obama voted in favor of raising the federal minimum wage to $7.25 an hour.

McCain:

-Supports keeping the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy, where the top tax rate was cut from 39.6% to 35.0%, giving the very wealthy a tax windfall.
-Not only failed to sponsor EFCA legislation, he voted against the motion to close debate, effectively killing the Employee Free Choice Act (H.R. 800, Vote #227, 6/26/07).
-McCain voted against increasing the minimum wage (SA.44 to S.256, Vote #26, 3/7/05).

Misc.

Obama:
-Claims MLK, Ghandi and Cesar Chavez as heroes.
-Mac user who admits to being addicted to his Blackberry.
-Musical favorites include Bob Dylan, Stevie Wonder and The Fugees.
-In front of audiences, he's inspiring, thoughtful and eloquent.

McCain:
-Claims his hero is Teddy Roosevelt, a world-class prick.
-Admitted to being computer illiterate.
-Music makes him angry.
-In front of audiences, he comes off as an anthropomorphic tree stump, only less captivating.

So there you have it. One candidate at one end, the second candidate on the other. I know you love both parties falling all over themselves to solidify your vote, but stop being such an attention whore and make a choice. And by that, I mean not John McCain.

Sincerely,

Blaine Fridley

Your Headlines for August 18, 2008

From the DoF Newswire

"This must never happen again, therefore we must never forget"

Michael Bolton museum opens with aim towards preventing further musical atrocities

Unfortunate birthmark shaped like Bin Laden sodomizing the Statue of Liberty may cost McCain election

Senate Subcommittee set to investigate when, exactly, Eddie Murphy stopped being funny
From Raw to Norbit: "What the fuck happened," asks subcommittee chair Sen. Arlen Specter

Election 2008: Oh, WTF...now look at THIS shit.

By Allistair Beaumont Chedley-Whythe III, Syndicated Incredulous Observer of Crumbling Societies 

John McCain's "ineptitude express" (to be pronounced 'campaign') rolled through what can only be marked as WTF country recently, as an already weird political season ramped up for the big push into the twilight zone.

Everyone has seen the McCain add likening Obama to a celebrity intelligence vacuum. If not, here it is:

As you see, the particular vacuums he is equated with are P. Hilton and B. Spears. Not wanting to beat a dead horse, but the implication is clear; Obama is a cleanly packaged, media loved, mass marketed, celebrity that is more image than substance. Anyone with that much celebrity cannot be taken seriously in the political arena.

Strange twist number one: The Hilton family gave to the McCain campaign to the tune of $4,800, the biggest single donor contribution allowable under current campaign finance laws. This is only strange because before I insinuate their daughters' idiocy on national television, I usually don't take the family for damn near 5 grand, and I didn't see a move with that much style coming from the McCain camp. Kudos to the McCain camp

Strange twist number two: Most of us have seen the retort that P. Hilton posted on "funny or die" that announces her candidacy and pokes fun at John McCain's age. Further on in the add P. Hilton actually reads off a cue card an energy plan that is pretty concise and rather astute. (By the way I almost got hard at this point in the ad but then I remembered that she was just reading someone else's words off a card and actually has all the synaptic lightning of the static cling of my left trouser leg.)

This is strange because I didn't really think she was going to retort, and if she did, I don't think that anyone could have expected it to be this effective. So kudos to the Hilton camp.

Strange twist number three: After viewing the retort from the Hilton camp, the McCain camp actually issued a statement! First of all, you can’t respond McCain. You never respond to someone who has nothing to lose. Worse yet any response is a losing proposition. If he claims that she has a weak understanding of the issues, well of course she does, she’s Paris fucking Hilton! If he says she has a good understanding of the issues, well the operating premise of the whole ad campaign was that P. Hilton and other celebrities are unfit to lead - so are they or aren’t they. Does his camp really think this is something that will get him anywhere? Or is it their futile attempt to grab at anything that might not be getting in the AARP newsletter? I shit you not, this is the actual statement as taken from the Huffington Post:

McCain's spokesman has responded to Paris' new video:
Sounds like Paris is taking the 'All of the Above' energy approach that John McCain has advocated -- both alternatives and drilling. Perhaps the reality is that Paris has a more substantive energy plan than Barack Obama.

So what is he saying?
Possibility 1:
“We should be running against P. Hilton as she has a more substantive energy policy?” Of course you wish we were running against her, she’s Paris fucking Hilton.

Possibility 2:
“Paris is still an idiot, but even an idiot can come up with a better energy plan than Obama.” So if you purport to have a better energy plan than Obama, that is not much of a victory because you are still a mouth-breathing idiot like Hilton.

Possibility 3:
“Looks like we’ll have to widen the potential VP pool to include this Hilton broad.”
Normally this would be out of the realm of possibility, but the way those geniuses are running a good candidate into the ground, I have to wonder…. WTF.

The Day I Lost My Faith in Humanity, part VIII

The year is 2008.

A man runs for president of the United States of America.

He publicly claims to be computer illiterate.

Seriously, John? Now, I'm really, really HOPING he's just doing a self-deprecating, common man bit here - something along the line of Michelle Obama's "my husband doesn't pick up his dirty socks/he's a slobby pig like the rest of the men in this country" statement a while back - but dude, this would be the wrong thing to be self-deprecating about. As leader of the Free World, you should at least have an intermediate-level understanding of Microsoft Office. You can't even get a $7/hr office temp job without that.

Though, something tells me there's a solid chance he's being serious about this. Whenever I see him on the news, I can totally envision the clock on his top-loading BetaMax player perpetually blinking 12:00.

This really happened.

by Reno Gruber, Hater of all things political.

Last night, the three remaining candidates not named Ron Paul or Mike Gravel reminded us all why we hate everything. Here at the Diary of Fools we shake an extra fist at the subtlety of this message to the sign-making populous that make up the "modern?" lynch mob that are professional wrestling fans.

This "Raw Smackdown" of modern politics perfectly displays why educated and media savvy adults generally think of politics akin to accepted molestation of our own agendas. I mean, we get it. You're trying to win...and like it or not, some of the 4.9 million people who watch Monday Night Raw vote. Maybe like 25,000 or so. But do you think any of them are going to vote for you, Hilary Clinton?

Excuse my snobbery pro wrestling fans; when I was 12 I was one of you (oh I miss your loin-clothed antics, Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka.) But this doesn't look like a progressive hot-bed of ideas and new thought. I assume more than one guy forgot to wear pants on the way to the stadium until some old woman screamed in horror on the bus there.

...ok i'm projecting again, I forgot pants this morning. But I had a valid excuse. I wanted people to see what manbeauty looks like.