RIP JB

James Brown 1933-2006

Nobody will ever look this good in a unitard and suit jacket ever again.

Holo-what? Never heard of it.

"It's not a lie, if you believe it."
- George Costanza


Several weeks ago, when loony-as-batshit Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (which is his official title in this blog from now on)decided to hold a conference dedicated to exposing the Holocaust as a lie, he took the Costanza Paradigm of Truth to a level of punch-yourself-in-the-face ridiculousness the world has not seen since our own loony-as-batshit President Bush arrived on an aircraft carrier in an aviation suit with socks stuffed in the crotch and proclaimed "mission accomplished."

The conference, which I assume was held in the lovely Ayatollah Khomeini room at the Tehran Ramada Hotel and Conference Center, aimed to discredit countless personal survival stories, photographic documentation, and research centers filled to the brim with indisputable evidence that the Holocaust did indeed happen, and that it was one of the greatest tragedies in the pantheon of human existence.

Knowing that his conference may lack legitimacy in light of such staggering, undeniable, and unequivocal proof, he invited ex-KKK leader David Duke for extra credibility.

Well, for two days an elite group of Muslim extremists, scholars**, and Imperial Wizards of the KKK made their case against the Holocaust. They had PowerPoint presentations. And 6-foot party subs for lunch. It was very impressive. Needless to say, it was also very convincing. After this eye-opening conference, I think we can all agree that Anne Frank was just kind of a morbid kid with an amazing grasp of first-person narrative.

**Drunk hobos

Inspired by loony-as-batshit Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinjed's ability to turn historical fact into a myth simply by declaring it as such, I have decided to take this time to publicly deny several items long accepted (or proven) to be the truth.

Myth #1) Major Leauge 2 --
Major League is one of the finest sports movies ever made. Major League 2 is not. Mainly because it never happened. There also exists a certain group of depraved lunatics who claim to have seen a Major League 3 starring Scott Bakula (aka Dr. Samuel Beckett from Quantum Leap) in the lead role. Sick fucks.->
(left)Phony poster from non-existent film.






Myth #2) Van Halen made albums after 1984. The malicious rumors of a post-Roth Van Halen actually parallel the rumors of Major League sequels somewhat. After lead singer David Lee Roth left Van Halen (and the group consequently disbanded), tales of a Van Halen sequel emerged. The second incarnation of Van Halen allegedly starred all the original performers, except for the role of Roth, which apparently was now played by some fat guy dressed like a homeless person who mugged a tourist for their luggage-->> This plays out much like Major Leauge II, which also allegedly starred the original cast, but replaced a lead character played by Wesley Snipes with Omar Epps and figured no one would notice. To expand on the Van Halen/Major Leauge parallel, an even more horrific rumor was started that a Van Halen III was formed, this time starring the former lead singer of Extreme, Gary Cherone, who could aptly be described as the Scott Bakula of rock.

<<------ The last Van Halen album ever made

Does anybody honestly believe that Van Halen could go from this to this?
Of course not, because it never happened.



Myth #3) I was a virgin until I was almost 20 yrs old. False. Despite the lack of women willing to admit they had sex with me before 1999 (or after that for that matter), I, in fact, lost my virginity to this woman-->> , at the age of 13.

Myth #4) I once insulted the intelligence of what few pity-filled souls read this blog by making a lazy Michael Jackson child molestation joke and acting like it was fresh material. Why would I do that? If you wanted stale and dull topical humor, you would just watch Jay Leno.

(Above)Jay Leno extends
his record-setting streak
of 5,475 consecutive
humorless monologues.

and finally...

Myth #5) Hootie and the Blowfish sold more copies of Cracked Rear View than the Beatles did with Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band... oh, snap. That one's actually true.