For most people, working in an office setting does not allow much time for silent reflection. Between phone calls, emails, cubicle "pop-ins" and, for 18% of the American workforce, actual work, it hardly leaves time for quiet reflection.
Which is why trips to the bathroom should be cherished. With just a ween in hand and a ceramic tile wall to stare at, that precious :20 - 2:00 (depending on coffee intake) is all yours to ponder, meditate and muse… away from the distractions and stress of modern-day office minutiae.
That is, until that guy pulls in to the stall next to you. And at that point, "me-time" is over and your urinal turns into The Tonight Show couch.
(Above) Quiet time.
Flapping his gums before his stream even hits the pink toilet mint, he starts chatting you up, acting like it's the office Christmas party instead of what it is:
2 guys with their cocks out, standing next to each other with maybe a foot separating them. A 2"-thick, 3' foot tall metal barrier does not change this fact.
I realize proper office etiquette dictates that any eye contact you make with a co-worker MUST be immediately followed-up with no less than :30 of inane "I hate Mondays" chatter. That's cool. I'm generally social and affable.
But when my dick's out, please, just shut the fuck up. We'll catch-up later at the paper towel dispenser.
Well, no, actually. I haven't. But it's Tuesday, officially the lamest day of the week. So you'll take what you're fed, and you'll like it.
A lot of people assume celebrity types spring more or less fully-formed from the foreheads of the gods, or some shit. I don't blame them, considering the calculated, pre-packaged nature of most "famous" people these days. I mean, Christ...it used to be that in order to be a household name, you had to be GOOD at something. Now, just chasing a spotlight with the same brand of tireless tenacity a buck rabbit calls up when impregnating an entire hutch of rear-presenting bunnies is more than enough to qualify you to get around-the-clock stalked by TMZ, even if the worth you contribute to the culture can only be measured via the creative application of negative integers. Alternately, you can just crap out and/or adopt a metric assload of kids, and that'll usually also do the trick.
But I'm not here to grouse about how things used to be better. Such a position is as impossible to defend as it is easy to take up, being as every era has chaff, but the cream rises to the top in retrospect. No...I'm here to wave around some humiliating YouTube videos of a few currently-well-known people who have dark and sinister pasts, dating to the days of their pre-sellout periods.
To begin with, we have Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta. Not that she goes by that any more. No, these days she's better known as wearer of industrial scraps, ceaseless attention-whore, defender of Kanye, and possible hermaphrodite Lady GaGa. But in this video, shot in the misty, hardly-remembered year of 2006, she hadn't yet acquired her fake name, her fake hair, OR her fake celebrity. Check it:
Refreshing, no? I mean, she wasn't any good then, either. But at least then, we hadn't heard of her yet.
Next up is Katy Perry. Or, as she was known then, "Katy Hudson." And here's where I would usually snark it up, and say, "presumably, she changed it in order to not be confused with the other Kate Hudson, who has talent." But here's what sucks: she actually wasn't all that bad. That is, if you go for the sort of Lilith Fair grrrl-songwriter vibe. She wasn't a terrible singer, and while her guitar playing can hardly be described as virtuoso, she's more than competent...Especially when you consider that this video was shot when she was just 16.
Of course, the subject matter of her tunes leaves a little to be desired, being as she was famously a Christian artist in her former life. Still, I find it mighty ironic that with the Flock of Seagulls hairdo, minimal cosmetics, and cowboy shirt she's sportin' up there, she comes off as a lot more of a career muff-diver than now...When she's constantly singing a song about making out with other chicks.
Observe:
Continuing with the theme of irony, The last entrant in our little Laff-a-Lympics is a one Mr. Dan Whitney, a comedian who isn't really all that funny.
Witness this:
Dan was an aspiring comic at the time this video was shot, and though he was hardly what you'd call "funny," he was certainly funnier then than he is now. These days, most people (unfortunately) know him as "Larry the Cable Guy." Yep. Not that it should be a surprise, but "Larry" is no more a real person than Pee-Wee Herman. Though in each case, Dan and Paul Reubens almost never drop character, preferring to present their alter egos as their public personas 24/7. Well, not so much Pee-Wee these days, though, he IS currently staging something of a comeback.
Back then, because his regular act wasn't exactly burning up the clubs, Dan adopted the "Larry" character in order to spoof the particular sort of proud redneck ignorance that permeates sub-Mason-Dixon-line red states like the clap at an orgy. He figured he'd create a stereotypically loutish, loud, and aggressively stupid bumpkin character in order to stand as a walking, talking, belching parody of everything that's wrong with racism, inbreeding, and misdirected regional pride. So he reinvented himself as a drawling, whiskey-swilling, pickup-driving, cousin-humping, confederate-flag-waving über-moron who was too un-self-consciously DUMB to realize that Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might be a Redneck" routine wasn't a goddamned to-do list.
I uncategorically refuse to insert his catch-phrase here.
But something went horribly wrong somewhere along the way. See, the toothless, tarbacky-spittin', hayseed-chomping overall-hosts who Dan was viciously mocking turned out to be too empty-skulled to realize that they were cruelly being made fun of. And instead, they turned around and embraced his NASCAR / Jack Daniels / Skoal persona as one of their own, made good. Needless to say, Dan was a little taken aback. However, while he was too dumb to realize that people who still think Pro Wrestling is real are missing the handful of chromosomes that might otherwise permit them to recognize obvious mean-spirited satire, he was NOT too dumb to change gears, say, "yeah, that's what I meant all along," and milk the gravy train for all it was worth.
So, I leave it up to you. Were we better off then, living in a world where marginally-talented unknowns toiled in relative obscurity, waiting for their big break? Or are we better of now, when the SAME unknowns have abandoned any pretense of talent, instead re-inventing themselves into manufactured characters; avatars of plastic, pop-culture archetypes, only then attaining widespread recognition?
And perhaps more importantly...how long will it take Fox News to blame it all on Obama?
I hate to break this to everyone, but the entirety of Western Civilization must commit suicide immediately. Yes, I know. Tragic. But it simply cannot be avoided.
Why, you ask? Tsk, tsk. Can't you just trust me? No? Oh, all right.
The reason is because the pinnacle of human achievement has officially been reached. The potential of the entire race has reached its apex of realization, and it's all downhill from here. I say this because nothing...and I mean NOTHING...will ever, ever be more awesome than this:
There. I trust I've made my point? Homo Sapiens should now feel free to exterminate themselves en masse, because it's patently obvious we've done what we set out to do.
I'll see you all out on the hill at dawn. Our release will be glorious.
"The Bohemian Grove, which I attend from time to time — is the most faggy goddamned thing you could ever imagine, with that San Francisco crowd. I can't shake hands with anybody from San Francisco."
A couple of weeks ago, Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.) told a hate-spouting wingnut at a town hall meeting that, "Trying to have a conversation with [her] would be like arguing with a dining room table." At the time, I applauded his candor. I still do.
However, it seems like the Left has grown even more impatient with addle-pated mongoloids who insist upon swallowing the GOP's bullshit health-care scare tactics and misinformation hook, line, sinker, rod, reel, fisherman, and boat. Dig the latest salvo from Democratic Rep. Pete Stark, who represents California's 13th District, as he brings an argumentative rambling grandpa up short at a recent town hall meeting:
Now, I don't know about you, but I'm finding this new era of outspokenness a refreshing sea change in American politics. I hope refusing to pander to abject idiots who don't matter becomes just as much of a new-millennium trend as glad-handing and fence-sittery were in the last century.
…those most fervently against "The Gays" is, the more you persecute homosexuals and their NATURAL GENETIC TENDENCIES, the more I assume you are actually a self-loathing homosexual. Basically, I'm guessing all anti-gay marriage protests are only a few therapy sessions away from turning into a gay pride parade. That "Adam and Eve, Not Adam and Steve" sign might as well read "FABULOUS! "
Someday you'll be able to recognize context in addition to content... but until then, our readers are going to have to keep putting up with ads like this beauty for America's most beloved transsexual conservative pundit:
"Ann Coulter - Free!"? I wish this site was Ann Coulter-Free, ya jerks.
by Eugene Intrigue, Concerned American/Wearer of Lacy Undergarments
I would like to briefly add to my friend and cohort’s recent post ("Dear America,").
While it struck me as odd that so many seemingly complacent people would so vehemently speak out against something as basic as health care reform, further understanding was gleaned from a recent viewing of the film 1984.
Chords were manically plucked in the film, underpinning society’s robust inclinations to adhere to party platform; often without general reasoning or desire of independent thought. In observing the recent outcry against health care reform, I found many of the detractors to be ill-educated as to the basic principles of not only Obama’s policy, but of general human decency itself. It’s as if Big Brother told them to fight this oppressive, “Communist” agenda, so as to preserve and maintain America’s ideals.
Does Big Brother have their, being the GOP’s faithful, well-being in mind when they callously blitzkrieg the President’s intentions? Generic logic would dictate to yes, whereas intelligent logic would dictate to a large and looming question mark.
My love for America and its populous is palpable and clear – much like Rudy Guliani’s speech impediment.
“Phuck ewe, Intewege!”
My aim is not to deride independent thought. My aim is to punch a fifty-foot hole in the smokescreen surrounding this issue, so subterfuge and hypocrisy are revealed and promptly neutered.
Please view 1984 for a 1st, 2nd, 3rd, etc… time and try to distinguish my viewpoint. People are not stupid. But, through direct manipulation, people can be easily controlled. Work to gain your own viewpoint on health care reform. Perhaps you’ll agree that this is an issue that needs addressing - and perhaps the transparency of policy and encouraged national dialogue is the most “American” thing our 44th president has done thus far.
When you're living in the USA these days, shit is hectic. I get that.
I really do:
1. Two wars being fought
2. Economy still deeeeep, deep in the shitter
3. A fucked up medical care situation
4. Shawn Merriman and Tila Tequila
5. And on and on…
But with that said, some of you need to start composing your shit a little bit, don't you think?
"Here, let me handle this… "Calm down! Get ahold of yourself, America!" slap!slap!
Take a breath.
Have some cookies and a warm glass of milk. Maybe turn on some Enya.
Turn to the person next to you and ask for a gentle belly rub.
I mean, I understand passion worth fighting for, and being so diametrically opposed to an argument that it starts stimulating your long-placated Neanderthal sensibilities; when a political stance triggers the same reflex that commandeers your brain the moment someone starts messing with your girl or a family member: You just. Want. To kick. Their. Ass... Now.
I've been there. Trust me, I've been there. I come from the state of Michelle Bachman for the sake of sweet baby Jesus.
I know what it's like to want to call a politician out at the top of my lungs and hold him/her accountable, face to face.
But here is where I feel I start taking a departure from the virulent strain of townhallnutjobs currently infecting public discourse:
Before I open my mouth I ask myself, "Self, will what you are about to shout at the top of your lungs help the progress of this debate in any way? Also, am I stupid?"
(Above) "BROWN MAN MAKE ANGRY!!!"
Almost without fail, the answers are, respectively, "no" and "yes", so I put the zip-lock baggy with my birth certificate back in my pocket and shut the hell up, allowing those with constructive observations and ideas to speak (in their indoor voices) instead.
See, you may feel like you're becoming "passionately involved" with the democratic process when you shout down speakers at healthcare town halls or call the president Hitler, but in reality, by talking loud and saying nothing, you're destroying it - and, in regard to the healthcare debate, impeding reform that needs to happen. A majority of the country is calling for it. Medical professionals are calling for it. What kind of reform and the details of said reform are obviously what cause a stir.
And that, is where healthy debate becomes a useful thing. Healthy debate does not include drowning out viewpoints of others by shouting over them like some sort of fucking retard. That's not how debate works outside of The O'Reilly Factor.
Why not hammer out these details and move this issue closer to compromise? No one on either extreme is going to have it their way. That's the challenge of living in a country as diverse as America. Personally, I'd like to see a single payer system. But the realist in me knows that won't happen. If I dig my feet in and the people on the other end of the spectrum dig their fit in and both sides refuse to budge, we gain nothing. We're stuck with the same insanely dysfunctional medical system.
The important thing to remember - especially on this issue - is that just because a proposal isn't ideal, that doesn't mean it's not an improvement. And that really should be the goal here - improvements, not perfection.
And for those unfamiliar with how one goes about a healthy debate, here's a beginner's guide to assist you:
1. Listen 2. Make notes of things you agree upon and things you don't 3. For the things you don't, detail why you think it's misguided and offer alternatives 4. Repeat until compromise (ie nobody is happy) is reached
Until recently, I thought the above basics were common knowledge among our elected representatives. Last Wednesday's presidential address proved otherwise.
This was Obama's chance to directly address the public without the cable news slant. To cut through the arguments being made that his official stance on health insurance reform is ambiguous at best. Clear the air. Present a blueprint.
Now whether he accomplished the above or not during Wednesday's address is up for debate. But, in relation to your asinine outburst, it's quite apart from the point.
Even with all the avenues of immediate communication at our disposal (twitter, Facebook, blogs, texts and on and on), you felt you needed to interrupt his speech RIGHT THEN AND THERE, to shout the most redundant and tired of all political accusations ("You lied!").
"A politician? Accused of lying? Now I've heard everything!"
Now, what, Joe Wilson, gave you the idea that shouting down the president in the middle of a formal address was a normal, acceptable thing to do?
When was the last time you heard a president heckled in the middle of an address to a joint session and the entire country?
Go ahead,
I'll hang out while I give you a moment or two to think about it. In the meantime, you know what to play, Sam.
"Charles in Charge again, Mr. Blaine?"
Yes, Charles in Charge again, Sam. Nobody in town plays it better.
"OK then, Mr. Blaine, right away…"
Aaaaand of course, the answer is "zero". Zero times you remember a president being interrupted by a member of congress while addressing the nation, because it's insanely fucking rude, tacky and unproductive.
Instead of setting a tone of civilized, constructive debate for your constituents, you had to go all Kanye on it and become just another shouting retard at a townhall meeting.
"And your rebuttal, Rep. Wilson?"
"LOOUUD NOISES!"
And that's the most disillusioning part of the political climate right now. Elected representatives doing all they can, not to be part of this (or any) vital solution (and aside from our bloated, overly-aggressive military, their are few things hindering this country as much as our current healthcare system) but to kill the other team's ideas and hopefully, approval ratings.
And sadly, many of us continue to take the bait.
You see, in an odd turn, instead of the elected representing the people, the people have seemingly become brainwashed into doing the dirty work of the elected. This is what happens when electioneering, not public service, becomes the main focus of our government.We become pawns of the never-ending (smear) campaign of whatever side we decided to align ourselves with based on what cable news personalities we like the best.
When you show up at an organized debate or townhall meeting and you interrupt it with ill-informed, non-sensical shouting because Glenn Beck told you Obama wants to kill your grandma, you have become a pawn.
When Keith Olbermann's foam-mouthed (but highly entertaining) diatribe has you thinking the GOP is evil incarnate and the wellspring of all nefarious political plots, you have become a pawn.
And when you're Florida GOP chairman Jim Greer stating that Obama's Sept. 8 back-to-school speech was the president's plan to "indoctrinate America's children to his socialist agenda", you have failed your public office by using it as a means not to actually work for your voting base, but as a platform for blatant demagoguery. In layman's terms, you sir, are an asshat. An asshat abusing your office as a means for re-election, not progress.
So relax, for a minute, America.
Take a step back and observe.
The Red Team and the Blue Team aren't helping us… they're playing us against each other.
If you're going to be mad, be mad about that.
Think about it. Most of us in this country are in the same boat. We work for a modest living and demand little more than food, shelter, easy access to porn, alcohol and firearms and the right to routine medical check-ups without putting your daughter to work as a drug mule to pay for it.
I know it may be hard to believe, but underneath all the shouting, there is a common voice…
… now if someone could just shut this crazy bitch up, we'd be able to hear it:
So as we all know, about 8 years ago some pricks that were pissed at the ol' U.S. took a couple of our planes and rammed them into a few buildings. We at the DoF give a heartfelt "sucks, man" to anyone who lost anyone in that terrible Television event.
But steering away from the DoF and speaking only in my Reno pants; (which are generously let out in the crotch) let's tune down the Lee Greenwood for a second and use this day to also educate ourselves on why people hate us the way they do.
Is it because of our "freeedum" like ol' W. would preach? No. The particular brand of freedom he speaks of only really applies to old money white folk anyhow. While Muslim fundamentalists are generally crazy fucking nut bags (Seriously dude? Kill all that don't agree with you. The world may take issue with you), we need to stop playing the victim role on this one. Well, besides the actual victims. You go ahead.
But to those who merely watched it on TV, and use it as some aggressive battle cry for America; I have two suggestions:
1.) Read some history. Get a scope of how things actually work. Maybe check out "The Way Things Work" By David Macaulay. You need a crash course. In everything.
Granted, we've done some lovely things that the world powers in history's past wouldn't have done. I mean we let Canada hang around when our friends are over, even kind of treat them like part of the crew. We're pretty cool.
But we have wronged many-a-rebuilding nation.
and I'd like to disclaim "IN NO WAY DO WE CONDONE WHAT HAPPENED 9/11/2001, NOR DO WE SUPPORT IT OR BELIEVE WE 'DESERVED' IT." However, taking into effect all we have done to others, a logical man cannot be surprised of an attack.
I can comfortably say that whatever our government did was probably in the best interest for us, while destroying others. I understand this. However, there will be a reaction for every action.
I was going to do a buttload of research to kinda thumb through all what we've done, then I got lazy and just pulled up Michael Moore, which I hate doing since he totally makes this look like some commie-lefty statement when all I'm trying to say is that we're no angels.
My point is this. To have a day of remembrance is dope. My point is NOT to shit all over that. Those people didn't deserve to die. Nobody deserves to die like that, and worse, to have whorish media companies have their biggest profit day ever, continuously showing 3,000 people murdered in slow-mo from 100 different angles.
But we must also understand this has a chance of happening if we keep pissing on bee hives.
Maybe instead we pull all of our military bases and the trillions of dollars we spend on overseas military bases, stop being the world's police, and start getting our country back on its feet.
Or, ya know, spend all the money we don't have on a war we can't win. Ya know, whatever.
Hard to believe, but James Brown has been dead for almost 3 years.
Had he lived to hear Black Joe Lewis and the Honeybears'Tell 'em What Your Name Is! this last summer, he most assuredly would have exclaimed, "Gotda', hat'sumfonkeehee-it, heah!" (Goddamn, that's some funky shit, heah!)
It's summertime, and for you, the livin' may be easy.
But while you're sitting around the pool, chasin' the muff around, the members of Chicago's Baby Teeth are hard at work, pushing the envelope, taking it to the limit and stoking the flames of destiny as the moment of truth draws near…
Watch them now, as they give it all they got… at Hustle Beach.
All this week, THE Blaine Fridley is organizing a review session of the best jams of the recently-deceased summer.
Pay attention.
There will be a quiz.
You wouldn't want to start off the fall semester on the wrong foot, now would you?
When it comes to the hottest track of the summer, the title belt goes to the only man with more retirement announcements to his name than Brett Favre -- Mr. Sean Carter.
And while #4's decision to come back will be debated until about week 10 when Bernard Berrian catches a touchdown pass with Favre's arm still attached to the ball, nobody should really be questioning HOV's decision to continue making music.
With D.O.A. (Death of Auto-Tune), Jay-Z proves he's as good (or better) than he's ever been.
Added bonus? The track wrestles the soprano sax out of Kenny G's evil clutches and returns it to the forces of good.
Grade: A++. Simply put, if you do not like this song, you should be immediately placed on the "do not fly" list because you're obviously a terrorist.
Hey, kids! Anybody in the market for a Cleveland Steamer? They're only asking five large for this one:
Convenient features like the 60 min. mechanical timer, and manual continuous steaming by-pass switch will not only fill your entire kitchen with a rich aroma, but ensure that everything comes out golden-brown and piping-hot!
Doing the best we can to support the U.S. economy by undercutting it with the purchase of super-discounted cheaply-produced, foreign-made goods crafted by the weary hands of child laborers who would have to save for 3 months to afford the $4 sweatpants and "Freedom isn't Free" beer koozie you just put in your cart.
Then, all of a sudden, someone's pukey little toddler starts in with the "whaaa-whaaa" business.
Fucking kid.
Exactly what's wrong with this country, you know? If this was China, that little girl would be at work, contributing to society.
Oooooh, but not here. Nope. No way.
Here, hiding behind liberal "Child Labor Laws" (ie government-protected laziness) she's allowed to do what she wants, mooching off the system, crapping her pants and causing a ruckus at Wal-Mart whenever the hell she feels like it.
Something needs to be done.
So you go over to the child's mother and offer your assistance in getting the child to be quiet.
She refuses the offer.
Several moments later, in another aisle, you run into them again.
The kid still hasn't shut up.
At this point, your course of action is obvious, as it is anytime you encounter a stranger's fussy 2-year-old girl.
"These cock suckers should really be executed." -Fred Phelps, Super Nice Dude Fuckstick, Kansas
"Everything that's wrong with today's 20-somethings."
- Some Asshole Blogger Minneapolis, MN
"...See? This is what I'm talking about. It's shit like this that makes people doubt my existence in the first place. Well, that and the fact that Mario Lopez keeps getting work somehow."
- God, Alleged Creator of the Universe
Hoboken, NJ
"I think it's neat how a group of retards can run their own website. A nice little story."
-Debra Goosingbunz, Social Worker Sandusky, OH
"Seriously, if I catch you people going through my garbage again, I'm getting a fucking restraining order." -Bootsy Collins, Funk Bassist, Cincinnati, OH
"OH MY GOD OHMYGOD IT BURNS HOLY FUCK IT BURNS GET IT OFF GETITOFF OH SHIT IT HURTS SO MUCH OHMYGAAAAARRRGH AAAAHHH!" -Some Guy Who's on Fire, Burning Man Festival, Black Rock Desert, Northern NV
"I thought this blog might be kinda funny at first, but it's nothing but name calling....a veritable thesaurus of insults." -Anna Nimity, Internet Spectre, Cyberspace
"You're a shitty writer and this site sucks dick." -Mr. Meh, Cracked.com reader, and apparent dick-sucking authority
Worldwide Love for the DoF (The DoF on the Interweb)
In this episode: The Over-social Urinal Partner.
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