The details of George W. Bush's memoir - revealed!
Former U.S. President George W. Bush's highly anticipated memoir is due to hit bookshelves in November, exactly one week after mid-term elections. While previously shrouded in mystery, the memoir recounts a number of key "decision points" (also the memoir's title), which will detail hard decisions the president made both before and during his presidency.
Since leaving office 15 months ago, Bush has largely stayed out of the media spotlight. The memoir's publisher, Crown Publishers, claims he has spent nearly every day working on and refining this monumental piece of literature. "Crayons and cocktail napkins are hard materials to work with," said Tina Constable, the Vice President of Crown Publishers. "Also, President Bush seemed somewhat distracted and took regular breaks to play and "cut stuff" with his chainsaw."
Constable went on to say the memoir will "bring readers inside the Texas Governor's Mansion on the night of the 2000 election, aboard Air Force One on 9/11, within Yale watching George inhale cocaine off the breasts of Phi Beta Phi pledges and behind the Oval Office desk for his historic and ineffectual decisions on the financial crisis."
Former President George W. Bush's memoir, 'Decision Points' will be published on November 9. Rebate coupons to be found in boxes of Crunch n' Munch, various Mad Libs puzzle books and on GoDaddy.com.
by Eugene Intrigue as dictated to Blaine Fridley, Man-Servant
Admittedly, I've not kept fully abreast of the health care issue. I'm not versed on the ins and outs, benefits and disadvantages.
But, being incarcerated for failing to have health insurance? Who would believe that?
(Google Image Search: "Tea Partiers")
I don't hate these people, but they make me profoundly sad. The potential we have as a country is enormous. We could accomplish amazing things - futuristic things... utopian things. The progress of our country is being slowed by misinformation and dogmatic principles and I'm unable to see a solution.
You know all this, already. I know, over time, the fallacy will reveal itself and unravel. The induced nausea from all this just comes from the knowledge it's 2010 and we don't have peace or modern transportation or sustainable energy solutions or global environment preservation or cool future clothes or robot servants or hover-boots... We have 2 wars, no money and the guy that's trying to pull us out is being fought, tooth and nail, by people betting their eternal souls on untrue, unfounded and illogical principles.
I just hope when my son is 40, he drives his electric car up to my levitating, geodesic dome and we share a bottle of wine in celebration of America finally not being known as an industrial, greed-oriented military superpower, but as the world's most congenial, generous, non-threatening country of all time ever.
In-Trigue back again... Check and direct and let's begin... Party on party people, let me hear some noise... Intrigue's in the house, jump, jump... umm... jump... Or not. Sorry. My intention is not to smother you with Tag Team lyrics, no matter how nostalgic and boogie-inducing.
My intention, rather, is to check on your overall well-being and talk about vids. BUT! The Tag Team reference is semi-relevant, as assisting me today is Academy Award-winning actor and all-around funnyman, Javier Bardem! Say hi, Javier.
"Javier Bardem."
... What?
"My name is Javier Bardem. Hah-vee-eyre. You did not say it correctly."
Wha-... uh... umm... Actually, I didn't "say" your name at all. See, this is the Internet and-...
"Say it. Say my name correctly."
Javier Bardem.
"Good. Now say, 'I put my pants on one leg at a time, like any other Dick, Tom or Harry."
No. I'm not saying that.
"Then say, 'Dingle, dangle, suck it. Crap pants and flapjacks snap traps in the-..."
Jesus Christ. I'm starting to think this was a mistake. Moving on!
BioShock 2, one of the most highly-anticipated releases of 2010, drops today (cue applause). It goes without saying that the collective gaming community is eager. Eager like Anton Chigurh trying to reclaim his lost cash.
"Nice. Thank you."
I got you, JB.
For those unfamiliar with the first BioShock, I'll try to nutshell it for you. The year is 1960. You are on an airplane, which immediately crashes into the ocean. From there you discover Rapture - a dystopian, underwater city that-...
"Wait. Rapture? What is this? Some sort of Kirk Cameron handjob born again bullshit? If that's the case you can leave ME behind! You know? Get it? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."
It has nothing to do with Kirk Cameron. Did you do any research for this at all, Bardem?
"It's Bahr-dehm. Just give the synopsis link, instead of boring everyone half-dead with your stupid asshole explanation."
One of the things the first BioShock became known for was its primary moral quandary: Do you harvest the Little Sisters (girls with magic sea slugs in their bellies) or do you save them? On the surface, this seems like a relatively easy decision, but harvesting (read: eviscerating) the Little Sisters gives you more ADAM (spirit-life juice stuff), which is sweeter than candy. I'd like the record to reflect, however, in real life I find the killing of little girls to be an abhorrent and despicable practice.
"What about Small Wonder?"
"That bitch was annoying and should've had had her little girl guts ripped out."
Hmmm... Javier Bardem makes a interesting point. Murdering Small Wonder would be seemingly deplorable, but she was a robot, so it's not like you'd be killing a human girl.
"She was a robot?"
Anyway, the moral choice is present in BioShock 2, as well, only this time you are one of the Big Daddies (large, sea-suit, bad-ass motherfuckers). Now, the choice becomes: harvest the slug out of the Little Sister or befriend her and let her help you navigate Rapture.
Some other new features of BioShock 2 include the addition of multiplayer. So, now all your pride and presumption of skill can be torn into thousands of bigoted, hate-filled, rage-inducing pieces by a 12-year old pissant. Also, in the sequel, both weapons and plasmids (amazing superhuman powers) can be unleashed simultaneously. Meaning you can not shoot someone in the face whileyou're lighting them on fire. Which is worse?
"The fire."
It's rhetorical, Bardem. There is no correct answer. They both suck.
BioShock 2 introduces Big Sisters - the sleeker, craftier versions of Big Daddies. It's been rumored that if you complete the entire game in "brass balls" mode, you unlock a recreation of the "I Will Follow Him" finale from Sister Act - performed by a host of Big Sisters, thus making it Big Sister Act... Get it? Ho ho! Here's the original scene:
(note - Watching the original scene in it's entirety could cause madness and/or suicide. We recommend viewing 30-45 seconds only.)
"Fuck me. That was terrible."
Agreed.
In summary, BioShock 2 drops today. It looks to be a solid sequel to a decidedly solid title. BioShock 2 retails for the normal $60ish at most local entertainment vendors. Uncle Intrigue is excited and gives it a definite thumbs-up. And Uncle Bardem is...
"...? What, am I supposed to say something now? I don't even know what the shit you've been talking about for the last 5 minutes. Biggie sisters and dudes named Adam and plasma and shit? Yeah, it all sounds Yahtzee. Fucking dial it up."
There you go, a dual-endorsement from yours truly and Mr. Javier Bardem. If that doesn't do it for you, here's a tittilating teaser trailer trained to tittilate your titties:
That's it, for now. Until next time, remember to keep your glutes greased, your mood sweet and your heart appealing. Appealing and...
...To an author who created an iconic figure, which teenage boys attempted to imitate for decades, an author of a book which I carried in high school, which was inquired about by shapely females who later investigated said author, and then later investigated me, personally, without my clothes on...
I read the news today, oh boy, as I’m sure you did. To say the news was rather sad would be an understatement.
Last night’s tragedy has affected me on a base level that is rarely penetrated. Working my day job has been tedious beyond compare – my mind constantly drifting to this horrible, horrible sadness. Much like Obi-Wan Kenobi, I felt – literally felt – a thousand voices cry out in pain and then immediate silence. My bones are chilled – my sinew stretched. Humanity has suffered a deep wound in its inner thigh and I fear it’s a wound that won’t heal for a year or so. Rallying the troops (i.e. Americans, i.e. fleshpots) is in order more now than ever. Pray with me.
This being the Internet, it goes without saying that you’re already painfully aware. At approximately 11:10 PM yesterday evening, the famed Italian ocean liner, the Andrea Doria, collided with another vessel off the coast of Nantucket Island. The Doria immediately started sinking and was attacked by octopi. The latest report shows that 46 people have perished in this horrific accident, which is 43 more than that NFLstravagant boating accident, involving free-agent defensive lineman Corey Smith. This is undoubtedly being etched into the history books in the “Really, Really Bad” chapter, next to The Spanish Inquisition and Swept Away. The date of July… Twenty-Fif…th… Hmmm… That can’t be right… Nineteen… Fifty-Six?... What the fuck? That’s 52 years ago. This has got to be a mistake. John Boy, what do you make of this?
No, not you… Get me Johnny T-T.
"What's Up, Gener?"
The fucking Doria sank 52 years ago? Did you know that? You said your friend told you it sank last night.
"My friend says a lot of things. Sometimes he's on and, well, sometimes he's not."
No shit, he’s not. His “breaking news” is over half a century old. Your source just made me look ridiculous in front of my readers.
“You don’t need help looking ridiculous, Intrigue. You do a good enough job of that yourself, you fucking sally. Go fuck yourself.”
So, it’s come to that. Getting told to “go fuck yourself” by a washed-up, Jonathan Taylor-Thomas on the World Wide Internet. Ignominious.
Ignominious and…
INTRIGUING!
What It Is In Vids: Volume One
As you may be aware, there is a source of entertainment on this planet called "video games." Some humans use video games as their ticket to escapism. Humans use consoles or PCs to play virtual basketball, drive virtual #77 Subaru Cusco Advan Imprezas, nimbly avoid virtual fried eggs in an attempt to construct giant virtual hamburgers and, of course, save virtual hot-ass princesses that put out.
For those not aware that video games exist, I’ll let Slick Rick briefly break down the advent for you.
Slick Rick? If you please?
"Here we go… Once upon a time, not long ago, When people played charades and lived life slow. When pants were bells and justice stood, And people were entertained like they ought ta good. There lived a man named Allan Alcorn Whose dreams included things like getting high scores - said, 'A-tar-i’s gonna make some cash. Sellin’ that Pong and makin’ the dash…' They sold that Pong and money came with ease And out popped the V.G. industry. Then Atari made anotha and a sista and a brotha Got their parents on board and this fun was discovered…”
Ok, that’s enough. Now that I’ve stolen a chunk of your brain matter and stamped “video games” on it, you’ll be happy to know updates will be squeezed into that brain matter on a semi-regular basis in volumes titled “What It Is in Vids”. This is the first volume. DON’T WORRY! The first volume will hurt a little, but it won’t last long. After this one, you’ll notice that each subsequent volume will feel better and better. While the volumes won’t be informative or helpful, they will certainly deliver a nougat-filled center of clever and a “YAY” or “NAY” from Uncle Intrigue. Dragon Age: Origins
Dragon Age: Origins is a role-playing game (RPG) coming out next week for the PC, Xbox 360 and PS3. It looks like it will be fantastic in 5,000 ways . For those of you familiar with Baldur’s Gate, you probably already know about this game. For those of you familiar with Baldur’s Gate that DON’T know about this game, I’ve got eight words for you, “You should buy this game,… man… or woman.” (Fuck, why did I say eight words? That was close.)
This game has been in development for about 5 years. Needless to say, it’s highly anticipated to those in the know. It will kill from a sales perspective and could kill from a real-life perspective, given the proper amount of acceleration and/or suspension of disbelief. It looks to be a deep, plot-rich, heavily detailed RPG that promises between 40-80 hours of solid gameplay.
What garned some attention and ire from the gaming community was EA’s use of Marilyn Manson’s opus “This Is the New Shit” in its initial trailer. Please view below for instant titillation.
Seem over the top and inappropriate for an RPG video game? No worries. That’s why Jesus created the Hawaii Five-O Theme Song.
To make my opinion known, old Geners gives Dragon Age: Origins a hearty YAY. It should be purchased and played at any cost. Don’t have a gaming unit? Fuck you, buy it. Business bad? Fuck you, buy it. Place got hit by lightning, huh? Fuck you, buy it. That’s not nice. I’m sorry. What I’m trying to say is this game will be highly pleasurable in ways both cerebral and spiritual.
And thus concludes the first installment of What it Is in Vids. Stop groaning! They all won’t be this long. I hoped you enjoyed it and have not evaporated. That would be disconcerting.
by Eugene Intrigue, Concerned American/Wearer of Lacy Undergarments
I would like to briefly add to my friend and cohort’s recent post ("Dear America,").
While it struck me as odd that so many seemingly complacent people would so vehemently speak out against something as basic as health care reform, further understanding was gleaned from a recent viewing of the film 1984.
Chords were manically plucked in the film, underpinning society’s robust inclinations to adhere to party platform; often without general reasoning or desire of independent thought. In observing the recent outcry against health care reform, I found many of the detractors to be ill-educated as to the basic principles of not only Obama’s policy, but of general human decency itself. It’s as if Big Brother told them to fight this oppressive, “Communist” agenda, so as to preserve and maintain America’s ideals.
Does Big Brother have their, being the GOP’s faithful, well-being in mind when they callously blitzkrieg the President’s intentions? Generic logic would dictate to yes, whereas intelligent logic would dictate to a large and looming question mark.
My love for America and its populous is palpable and clear – much like Rudy Guliani’s speech impediment.
“Phuck ewe, Intewege!”
My aim is not to deride independent thought. My aim is to punch a fifty-foot hole in the smokescreen surrounding this issue, so subterfuge and hypocrisy are revealed and promptly neutered.
Please view 1984 for a 1st, 2nd, 3rd, etc… time and try to distinguish my viewpoint. People are not stupid. But, through direct manipulation, people can be easily controlled. Work to gain your own viewpoint on health care reform. Perhaps you’ll agree that this is an issue that needs addressing - and perhaps the transparency of policy and encouraged national dialogue is the most “American” thing our 44th president has done thus far.
Seeing your parents in wax sucks ass. This is not firsthand knowledge - this is instinctual knowledge, derived from various shitty horror movies circa 1975-present.
No matter how much you'd like to see your paraffin parents - abstain! They will come to life, perhaps not in really-real life, but at least in your head. In defense of ownership, your real parents will have to fight your wax parents, and then who do you root for? Wax parents?
Come to think of things, they could be super chill and zero maintenance from a geriatric standpoint. "I checked my parents into a home. So sad. How are your parents doing?" "Fucking fine, so long as they're kept away from open flames."
Eugene's thirsty! Battle stations, cohorts.
Martini #2 Consumed
Bah-kay... psshhoo... Let's do this. How 'bout People?
Kim Kardashisomething is drinking what now? Unlikely. This sounds like a martini that's coated with nonsense. Methinks Kim Kar-etc... is in really-real life drinking a martini, like myself. She's a sensible media creation. She needs the pure... Moving on.
Rhianna is drinking tequila. Rhianna should be drinking tequila. Why did Hitler drink tequila? It made him mean. Kudos Rhianna. Destroy Chris Brown with your drunken anger. Nest? I actually typed "nest" instead of next. Honest Intrigue... Next?
Jennifer Love Hewitt. Her drink is fucking boring... Next. (though check out One Block Radius' track "I Like Him", which features a lyric pertaining to JLH)
So Hangover big dick and Keanu Reevers like Black Mojitos? Damn it, children. This drink, allbeit assuredly delicious, is fucking stupid. It only contains 2 oz of fun. Do a g.d. shot.
That's it. This was fun. I'm out. Remember, things that interest you should be big-ups virile and...
Hello. My name is Eugene Intrigue and I am a new contributor to The Diary of Fools. The ever-gracious Blaine Fridley has asked me to share my thoughts and ramblings, to which I am ever grateful. This christendom brings me great pleasure from not only a cerebral level, but also…
“Zoinks! Like… where is the grub in this creepy habitat, Scoob?”
Umm… I, uh…
Hmm......
Like I was saying, my contributions to a site as stalwart as The Diary of Fools will hope to stand as a testament to the virility of independent thought, as well as…
“Mmuuunnhhh, like this Georgine guy is, like, Hong Kong Phooey, Scoob.”
(eyes pinched)
(staring)
What is this? What are you doing here? This is my exposition into greatness; my sally-forth into stardom. I can’t…… What are you doing here? This is preposterous. You’re Matthew Lillard! Surely you have better things to do than…
“Like, whoa there, man. Like, Scoob and I were looking for a midnight snack.”
What? Scoob and you? You’re not……
(sigh)
You’re an actor! You’re Matthew Lillard, not Shaggy from the Scooby Doo television show!
“Movie.”
Or movie! You have no business interrupting my introductory message to The Diary of Fools! Surely, your career could not have sunken to depths so low that interrupting blog introductions is your only means of exposure! What about Scream or SLC Punk? Or… umm… Thir13en Ghosts? Don’t you get any royalty income from any of those?
“No, I uhh…” (cough) “It’s pretty much dried up. This is what I do now. This is my thing. I’m still riding the SC franchise for all it’s worth and hoping that something pops up. I had a godaddy.com ad I was going to shill after some Scooby Doo shit. Do you mind if I still…”
Ahhh, no, that is not happening. My sincere condolences for the downward trajectory of your sputtering career, Mr. Lillard. Perhaps this snafu will help to find resolve and decency within your being, which will carry you into… umm… greater… oh, for fuck’s sake let’s get on with it.
The Meat
The Minnesota House of Representatives have introduced legislation that would allow non-traditional candidates to become licensed teachers. The goal of this legislation is to increase overall employment by allowing professionals in other fields to become teachers after taking a 5-week course. Upon completion of the course and approval by a resident mentor, the applicant will be presented with a valid teacher license and be certified as a qualified teacher within the state of Minnesota.
Is this a good thing? Hmm… Perhaps it is. Perhaps this will be an outlet which empowers today’s unemployed – today’s rejected masses – to veritably yank themselves via fraying bootstraps back into gainful, employed happiness. Once employed, these purveyors of know-how would have the scratch to make mortgage payments, car payments, McDonald’s payments, etc…, thus thrusting the MN economy out of the red and into surplus horizons.
Or…
Perhaps it’s not such a good thing. Perhaps it’s just the sort of short-sighted solution that has degraded not only Minnesota, but the country as a whole. By allowing non-teachers to become teachers by taking the equivalent of a summer school class, the State of Minnesota is creating a dangerous environment for their youth and drastically hampering their future in a myriad of ways.
Let’s use an illustrative example, shall we? Matthew, are you still here?
“Ahhh… Well, like is this guy talkin’ to me, Scoob? Or is he…”
Damn it, Lillard. You’re not Shaggy. It's been established that you’re not Shaggy. Stop it.
“At godaddy.com, you’ll not only be ensnared by sexual innuendo, you’ll also have the…”
No. No ads, no Shaggy. This is serious. Please.
“Sorry.”
Let’s use Matthew Lillard here for an example as to why it would be dangerous to allow anyone to easily become a teacher. Matthew, how long have you been out of work?
“Well, actually I’m not out of work.I’m playing the role of Lloyd B’Gosh in Osh Kosh B’Gosh: Under the Overall. I did it for free, though, which doesn’t pay any money.”
That’s correct. Working for free yields no money. I imagine that you want money, though, and would do things you wouldn’t normally do to obtain money – such as shamefully plugging d-list websites.
“Yes. Yes, I would. I’d do anything for money. I would become a cooper, swallow swords, teach schoolchildren, steal body organs, fly…”
Aha. Thank you, Matthew. You’ve successfully illustrated my point. There’s beer in the fridge.
There are many, many unemployed citizens in Minnesota. The termination of their employment was likely beyond their control, leaving them in a worrisome and destitute state-of-being. These citizens are looking within their chosen profession for gainful employment. This search is largely fruitless, as jobs within said professions are being obliterated en masse. Soon it becomes apparent that the job search must be stretched to unknown professions, in an attempt to keep the lights on, heat on, mouths fed, and so on.
This is wholly understandable and commendable on many levels. I commend those increasing their knowledge bases and skill sets by re-training themselves to gain employment. What I have trouble supporting is legislation designed to create back doors to fully qualified positions in normally hard-earned, heavily-trained career paths, such as teaching. Not only for the teachers that are actively hunting for jobs, but also for today’s learners suffering from a lack of solid instruction.
A personal concern is that today’s youth is increasingly becoming stupider. What’s more disconcerting is an apparent, underlying trend that stupidity and apathy are fashionable. Hannah Montana does not care about Hundertwasser, thus a majority of children do not care about Hundertwasser. It’s hard to blame the creators of the Hannah Montana marketing machine, as it’s not their job to teach kids about art. It’s their job to make money. So, the onus is then placed on parents and teachers. Parents, by and large, would rather their kids be socially accepted than expound about art nouveau. So, then, it’s left to the teachers. It’s no guarantee that teachers will be able to punch through the Jonas Brother-strength exoskeletons, but I’d place my money on a teacher that’s studied intensively over the course of years, than Joe the Plumber who took a five-week training course for a teaching license, because, hey, it beats working at Taco John’s. The quality of Minnesota’s educators is important. We need more than talking heads in classrooms conducting crowd control and regurgitating state-issued testing material.
Knowing a subject and knowing how to effectively impart the intricacies of the subject are two different things. The notion of various professionals stepping into classrooms and adequately preparing children not only for subsequent grades, but life and the workplace is naïve. At most, these “teachers” will be able to teach the material that’s featured on standardized tests, so that the school district’s scores are up and monetary funding maintained. Meanwhile, children languish and look to other avenues (read: Hannah Montana) for life’s lessons. It takes a certain breed of educator to be able to step into a classroom and grab the rudder - steering pupils in a direction of knowledge, maturity and personal guidance. This breed of educator is not born overnight (or over 25 days) but rather forged through years of intensive study, classroom exposure and time logged in underground Muay Thai kickboxing dojos. Citizens from other areas of professionalism cannot, mentally or physically, learn classroom dynamics and bone-crunching arm bars in five weeks. It can’t be done.
As a whole, teachers across Minnesota are speaking out against this legislation. Cutbacks and lack of job availability has affected all areas of employment and educators are no exception. For years, the job market has been flooded with qualified teachers looking for their chance to get in the classroom and use the training they’ve acquired through years of study. To flood the market even further by allowing anyone to become a certified teacher after 5 weeks is not only inane, but fucking stupid.
There’s the nutshell. This whole thing is fucking stupid.
As MGMT eloquently stated, “This is a call to arms to live and love and sleep together… The youth are starting to change. Are you starting to change? Are you?” This means that you should value education, love today’s youth and… umm… sleep with strangers.I think that’s what that means. Yes, I’m certain now. You’re supposed to fuck strangers and whilst fucking tell them about this god-awful piece of legislation and have them contact their legislators. Tell them that we want quality teachers in Minnesota schools.
"These cock suckers should really be executed." -Fred Phelps, Super Nice Dude Fuckstick, Kansas
"Everything that's wrong with today's 20-somethings."
- Some Asshole Blogger Minneapolis, MN
"...See? This is what I'm talking about. It's shit like this that makes people doubt my existence in the first place. Well, that and the fact that Mario Lopez keeps getting work somehow."
- God, Alleged Creator of the Universe
Hoboken, NJ
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