THIS JUST IN!

The details of George W. Bush's memoir - revealed!

Former U.S. President George W. Bush's highly anticipated memoir is due to hit bookshelves in November, exactly one week after mid-term elections. While previously shrouded in mystery, the memoir recounts a number of key "decision points" (also the memoir's title), which will detail hard decisions the president made both before and during his presidency.

Since leaving office 15 months ago, Bush has largely stayed out of the media spotlight. The memoir's publisher, Crown Publishers, claims he has spent nearly every day working on and refining this monumental piece of literature. "Crayons and cocktail napkins are hard materials to work with," said Tina Constable, the Vice President of Crown Publishers. "Also, President Bush seemed somewhat distracted and took regular breaks to play and "cut stuff" with his chainsaw."

Constable went on to say the memoir will "bring readers inside the Texas Governor's Mansion on the night of the 2000 election, aboard Air Force One on 9/11, within Yale watching George inhale cocaine off the breasts of Phi Beta Phi pledges and behind the Oval Office desk for his historic and ineffectual decisions on the financial crisis."

Former President George W. Bush's memoir, 'Decision Points' will be published on November 9. Rebate coupons to be found in boxes of Crunch n' Munch, various Mad Libs puzzle books and on GoDaddy.com.

Monday Morning President with Blaine Fridley

Where an underachieving, 2.9 GPA-havin' 2nd-tier state university graduate takes on the Harvard-educated leader of the Free World.

Welcome to the inaugural edition of Monday Morning President! I realize it is not Monday. And as I type, "morning" is quickly fading. But I just recently returned from an extended Caribbean holiday, bitches... every fucking day this week feels like Monday morning. So, like... shit, man. Mellow your criticizzy a tad will you?

OK. Let's get right into it:

Several weeks ago, while touring a Maryland training facility for energy jobs, President Obama announced 8.3 billion in federal loan guarantees to build a nuclear power plant in Georgia. It would be the first such plant built in the country in over three decades.

The good news about the announcement?

This president pronounced "nuclear" correctly.
The bad news?

Well, aside from the fact that it's a backwards move at odds with the forward-thinking (but apparently poor listening ) "green voters" hugely responsible for Obama's election and the fact that it's a proven failed technology that's no safer or less expensive than it was 30 years ago, there really isn't any. Oh, and some may also find the fact that about a quarter of existing plants in the U.S. (built with the same technology that would be used for the new Georgia plant ) are leaking tritium slightly disconcerting.

Pssh. You ol' Nervous Nellies, you.

(Above) Seems fine.

Others still might even furrow a collective brow at the fact that Wall Street wouldn't invest its morning turd on nuclear energy (thus leaving taxpayers as the sole insurers of this highly volatile energy source as anti-nuclear activist Harvey Wasserman points out).

Obama has two words for those people:

"Come aaaahhhhn…"

So with virtually everybody against the development of nucul--damnit--nuclear energy, what in the fragglerockin' name of Zeus is Obama's motivation here?

I dunno.

Maybe these guys can tell you.

This Day in History

1802
Congress passed an act calling for a library to be established within the U.S. Capitol. Records indicate former Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton was the first to take advantage of this new resource upon its opening, borrowing a volume entitled Duels for Dumeez. Adjusted for inflation, Mr. Hamilton currently owes $36,100,001.37 in overdue charges.

1861
Louisiana seceded from the Union, leaving a young nation without its #1 source of malaria-carrying mosquitoes, syphilitic whores and single-toothed swamp people.

2005
Condoleezza Rice was sworn in as George W. Bush's lapdog Secretary of State.

Today's celebrity birthday:
Andrew Ridgeley aka "The Other Guy From Wham!" turns 47 today [No joke necessary. Man, I do love it when a person's name IS the punchline].

The Case to Prosecute George W. Bush, as Made by George W. Bush

"Our entire system of justice relies on people telling the truth. And if a person does not tell the truth, particularly if he serves in government and holds the public trust, he must be held accountable."

- George W. Bush, 2007, on his refusal to pardon Scooter Libby - Dick Cheney's former Chief of Staff - for obstruction and perjury charges related to the leak of the identity of CIA officer Valerie Plame

Iraqi Shoe-thrower's Sentence Reduced to 1 year, Shoe-thrower's Target Still a Free Man

by Blaine Fridley, Editor-in-Chief/Superfreak

George W. Bush.

'member him?

White middle-aged dude about, oh, 6 feet tall, physically fit, salt and pepper hair tamed by the standard presidential side-part? 43rd president?

No?

Nothing?

Hmmm... what else, what else...ohyeah, derrrrr Blaine, you silly dunderhead! How could I forget "lied to the world about weapons of mass destruction to trick congress into authorizing an invasion of Iraq in a dubious effort to put his stamp on history and make up for a lifetime of over-privileged, coke-fueled, underachieving tom-fuckery at a cost of over 4,000 American lives, 100,000 Iraqi civilians, the economic well-being of the country and indeterminable damage to America's standing in the world?"

'member that?

There you go… I knew you'd get it sooner or later. Don't feel bad. You're not the only one. Ever since he left the White House in flames this past January, a lot of people seem to be forgetting his time in office and, more importantly, the countless lies spewed and crimes committed during his time in office that he should stand trial for. They're well documented and piled in a stack higher than young George on a spring break trip to Bogotá. ZING! (You can't see it, but my comedic-prop bow tie is spinning.)

In fact, as you may remember, his actions in office so angered a one Muntadhar al-Zaidi that he threw a shoe at the then-president during a December 14th press conference in Iraq.

And then he threw another one.

Drat. 0-for-2.

Luckily for George, the 30 year-old Iraqi journalist couldn't hit the broadside of a Delta Burke. He missed that squinty little motherfucker despite having proximity and the element of surprise on his side.

As The Dude would say, "That's a fucking bummer, man."

Well, this week an Iraqi court decided to reduce al-Zaidi's sentence from 3 years to 1 year. I think most Americans would agree this is 1 year too many.

So al-Zaidi sits in jail for throwing a shoe. 

Meanwhile, Bush and Cheney gang raped Lady Liberty right in front of the CNN cameras for 8 years and our government and legal system didn't even blink an eye.

Nobody did.

And we're not talking just about Iraq here.

The list of evil-doing goes on longer than the video results list for a "george w. bush + embarrassing speech" search on YouTube.

Torture, domestic spying, detainment without trial, outing the identity of a CIA agent, dismissing federal judges based on political alignment, creating a constant state of "war" to abuse executive power and using a record amount of signing statements to do the same. That takes care of the tip of the iceberg.

These aren't accusations. They're fact. And all available to you during a casual lunch break Google search. It'd even leave you with plenty of time to read Perez Hilton. ("HA-HA! The man drew a picture of a penis in Miley Cyrus' mouth! HA-HA! PENIS… that's brilliant. We should really get this man his own show.")

The work of a comedic genius. Obviously.

It's not as if Bush's actions fall in any sort of gray area of moral subjectivity. This is not an Oval Office humjob from a chubby intern.

These are egregiously unconstitutional actions, and therefore subject to criminal punishment.

And yet, we do nothing. 

The most litigious soul-fucking nation on Earth does nothing.

We'll sue McDonald's for having the audacity to serve us hot coffee or the school district for making little Timmy play dodgeball. We'll file a police report when someone steals our bike. But watch our president kill hundreds of thousands of people (again, including the Iraqi civilians) while wiping his ass with everything this country says it's about and how do we respond?

"As you were, sir. "  

Seems fine.

OK, so Dennis Kucinich did actually attempt to do something. But per usual, everybody just dismissed the adorable little man and then forced him to dance a jig as Harry Reid played the pan flute. At least that's how I remember it.

Anyway, no matter how laudable, Kucinich's calls for impeachment just aren't enough. 

Impeachment annnnd a public pantsing? Maybe.

Though ask author/lawyer Vincent Bugliosi and he'll take it even further: trying the ex-president for the murder of the 4,000+ men and women he sent to Iraq based on his lies.

Last summer he released a book outlining the case against him. And he also testified before the House Judiciary Committee about this topic and the abuse of executive power in general.

I have a hard time disagreeing with the man. Especially since Bush is responsible for the deaths of more Americans than Al-Qaeda (Mmmm… sooo incendiary. DeeeLISH.).

I know we're in the midst of an economic clusterfuck, and all energy is currently focused on that. But this issue simply can not be ignored. We can't just "turn the page" as the Obama administration suggests when we haven't addressed what's on the CURRENT page.

The legacy of George W. Bush is an insult to the U.S. Constitution. Secrecy, fear-mongering and totalitarian action with no accountability.

We only have ourselves to blame for the latter.

Introducing "Ask a Canadian with Sully Sullivan"

Canada. O, Canada. Our glorious and free neighbor to the north.

And though we share the longest common border in the world (5,525 miles or 8,892 kilometers as it's known everywhere else on fucking Earth), we hardly know one another. Well, except for the lazy stereotypes. You know the ones - maple syrup, hockey, gravy on french fries, asexual reproduction… but the truth of the matter is, Canada is so much more. Sure, viewed through our jingoistic-colored glasses, it may, like the rest of the world, appear to us as inferior to the U.S. of fuckin' A. It's an attitude most likely adopted as a result of our top-notch healthcare unparalleled financial system fair labor practices tasty snack chips.

But as Toronto's-own Sully Sullivan (of the hilarity-filled blog Yeah... totally, right?) shares with us in his new regular column Ask a Canadian, when compared to America, The People's Republic of Canuckistan is the tops. Both in a literal, geographic sense and in a euphemistic prison rape kind of a way.

So now, with no further turdification, allow me to present the inaugural edition of Ask a Canadian with DoF resident Canadian, Sully Sullivan.

Enjoy,

Blaine

Before a 2004 visit to Canada, the U.S. Office of the Chief of Protocol compiled an extensive list of Canadian quirks and customs for then-president George W. Bush to review in order to avoid any international embarrassment. This list included things such as "In Quebec, the thumbs down sign is considered offensive." What would you have included on this list?

(Muffy from Lincoln, NE)

Being American is offensive to Canadians. That fact right there must have put Bush at an immediate disadvantage.

George, a few quick tips for next time you're elected president, engage in a ridiculous war, piss all over the global economy and have to visit Canada:

1) Don't smoke while you eat: Canadians are disgusted by someone smoking while eating. I have seen Americans do this and I can say, beyond any doubt, that I'd rather watch Willem Defoe do nude hot yoga before seeing another American smoke while they eat food.

2) Please don't middle-finger us: In the US, the middle finger is a stop gap cure-all for a wide variety of social ailments, but here in Canada we haven't degraded the potency of "the bird" near as far. It still stings a little when we're faced with it.

3) We are serious about poutine regardless of whether or not we are French Canadian: I know what you were probably thinking while reading the CoP's notes, "Hey I'll just go up there and tell a bunch of slightly jabbing, but overall playful poutine jokes and everyone will have a good time about it." NO! That's hurtful. That's hurtful and it's wrong.

4) Remember, Hockey is Baseball without the "pussy": Don't bother acting like you can bask in our love of hockey because you share a similar passion for the sport of baseball. Comparing baseball to hockey is like comparing your fat uncle to me. I'm stronger and faster with a better mullet.

5) There are no Bob Evans restaurant chains here: Asking where you can find the nearest Bob Evans only alerts us to the fact that you are American, which as I said above, is greatly offensive to us.

Hope I helped.

Is it true that prime minister Stephen Harper's power originates from his impeccable side-part, and as a precautionary measure his feathery coif is protected at tax payer's expense by an invisible bullet-proof laminate developed by the CSIS?

(Larry from Seattle, WA)

Harper's hair was actually born in rural Massachusetts to a military family. A gun prodigy, the young coif, attended West Point and was eventually trained by the CIA. Now an old do', decorated in the purplest of all American war medals, the hair has retired in Canada atop the Prime Minister's magnificent melon where it is regarded as the finest of eyebrow umbrellas.

See? Now you know that our Prime Minister is actually 3.5% American. We're learning!

Canadian-born Conrad Bain won me over with his unforgettable portrayal of wealthy housing developer Phillip Drummond in the early 80s American sitcom, Diff'rent Strokes. If the USA approached Canada regarding a trade for Conrad Bain in exchange for Wilford Brimley, Patrick Duffy and a Jonas Brother to be named later, would you be in favor? Why or why not?

(Rupert from El Paso, TX)

We should have named this column "Ask a Young Canadian". It would have been more appropriate and also pre-warned the editors of this blog that "Diff'rent Strokes" is something my father probably watched. I've quickly Google image searched him, and my stars, is he ever a handsome man. It would take a lot to pry him away from us. Based strictly on looks, Brimley's moustachio is incomparable and every time he pronounces diabetes like "diabeeetus", I piss my pants laughing. But look, I'm not rich and have a very limited supply of clean pants so this is actually a strike against him. Patrick Duffy is a wash, he's all smiley and charming and "old guy good looking" I guess, but I can't remember which 90s bullshit family sitcom he starred on, so he can stuff himself.

Was it "Step by Step"? It was...wasn't it?

What the fuck is a Jonas brother? Is that like a sex move? "Man, I gave that broad the dirtiest fucking Jonas Brother I've ever laid out, bro. SICK!" A "Jonas Brother" of course being when you wedge yourself into someone's life and then alternate fist fucking their ears and eyes.

Overall decision: Diabeeeeeeeeeeeetus. I simply cannot turn Wilfred Brimley away. He comes with a shitload of instant oatmeal right?

Questions for Sully? Email 'em to diaryoffools@hotmail.com

Obama:

(Negligible) Change You Can Believe In Become Embittered By

'Member a while back when I wrote about how laughable the notion was that ANYBODY from the Democratic or Republican Party would bring true change to our country? No? Read it here if you're in to half-baked political rants. And then you should watch this chilling side-by-side from Tuesday's Daily Show comparing Bush's and Obama's strategy in Iraq:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Mess O'Potamia - The Iraq War Is Over

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Joke of the Day

Everybody together, now: Vomit. Weep. Repeat.

Photographer Captures High Point of Bush Administration

Our President: Dodgeball Champion

Bush dodge shoes on press conference - Watch more Free Videos

Say what you want about old stuttering-tongue, dude can duck a shoe like nobody's business.

Think of each shoe as logical and rational policy during each term. Skillfully dodging both while staring blankly back at us.

Listen for the outraged young assistant in the background. "That's the President, that's UNBELIEVABLE!"

Really? Was it?


*The DoF in no way ever condones violence towards Dubya. Lets just say we don't find it particularly 'unbelievable' when Iraqis think about it.

President Bush Shocks us all

This might be one of the funniest photos I have ever seen. Soon to be former President Bush is scene here posing with his staff at the White House making a rather childish yet funny hand gesture (two in the pink, one in the stink). You know that out of that rather larger group of people someone had to have known what that hand symbol stands for. However, not one person said anything. Maybe the jokes on us and they know perfectly well what that hand gesture means.

It's ka-RAAAzy George's Awesome Artillery BLOWOUT!!!!

By Blaine Fridley, Editor-in-Chief/Skiddish Pacifist

What's George Dubs' plan for solidifying U.S. alliances, making a little cash and spreading that special, superior brand of "democracy" that only the U.S. of fuckin' A. can bring you?

Guns. Lots of Guns.

Call it the Neo Doctrine.

According to a recent NY Times article, ka-RAzy George's Dept. of Defense Heavy Weaponry Liquidators is holding an X-PLOSIVE sales event and EVERYTHING!MUST!GO!

"From tanks, helicopters and fighter jets to missiles, remotely piloted aircraft and even warships, the Dept. of Defense has agreed so far this fiscal year to sell or transfer more than $32 billion in weapons and other military equipment to foreign governments, compared with $12 billion in 2005."

That's in addition to the estimated $96 billion in direct sales of less sophisticated weapons bought by foreign governments. For the more advanced weaponry, our peace-loving nation works with U.S. military contractors serving as brokers to procure arms for foreign customers at prices so low, they're ka-RAAAZY!

Here's a leaked copy of the Dept. of Defense's promotional sales video obtained by the DoF from an anonymous source (i.e. YouTube):




So, Air Force deputy undersecretary Bruce Lemkin, what is this semi-automatic SALE-A-BRATION about?

"This is about building a more secure world," he's quoted as saying in the NYT article.

Obviously. The more guns our country can get into people's hands, the safer we're all gonna be.

There's no way that CAN'T end well, right? Oops.

Your Headlines for August 29, 2008

From the DoF Newswire:


Politics
Bush administration, Christian Coalition unfold revised abstinence-only campaign

Washington, D.C.-

Reiterating their stance that the best way to get teenagers not to do something is to shroud it in mystery and order them not to do it, President George W. Bush and the Christian Coalition of America unveiled their new abstinence-only public service campaign yesterday. Entitled, "Abstinence: Dry-humping your way to salvation!", the print, radio and television spots highlight alternatives teenagers can try in lieu of pre-marital genital-to-genital contact. "You know, like anal," Bush detailed before adding, "This guy over here knows what I'm talking about," winking and pointing to ABC's Ted Koppel, a well-known assman.

Back to school

Child tries on new jeans at JC Penny, mother loudly surmises they're too large in the crotch

Onlookers in fitting room area snicker, boy humiliated

Democratic National Convention

Obama's acceptance speech manages to pander to every single interest group in the country

Obama presidency would benefit red states/blue states, big-city liberals/small-town conservatives, pro-choice activists/pro-life demonstrators, war-mongering jingoists/anti-war advocates, creationists/evolutionists, feminists/male chauvinists, Red Sox/Yankees, cats/dogs, proclaims Democratic nominee

Entertainment

Disaster Movie looks to cash-in on head trauma patients with disposable income

New "comedy" opening today bets on this small, but lucrative and easy-to-please niche of movie-goers with low to minimal brain activity.

BREAKING NEWS: George W. Bush Cool for 30 seconds

Beijing, China- As the 29th Olympiad start in China, the dominance of American Athletics stands out as one of the few things that cannot be tainted or compromised by an otherwise ineffective government. While the US's Economic and Diplomatic strength may have come under justifyable scrutiny lately, the country's vast representation in this year's Olympic games is a pungent reminder of past glory.

America, Fuck Yah!

This supremacy is typified no more gracefully than the Beach Volleyball Dynamo that is Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh. The duo of May-Treanor/Walsh haven't lost in like 160 years or something. They are basically the Ming Dynasty of tight spandex bikini bottoms. God bless them for that.

Bush - not satisfied with merely sinking our dollar and historic US foreign policy - went abroad to China to jinx the shit out of our beloved athletes.

When visiting the defending Beach Volleyball champs, Misty May Traenor (pictured in a pre-fecal pose,) challenged Bush to greet her in a typical greeting for volleyball players, the traditional ass-pat. Bush, sensing it'd be on The Daily Show for years to come initially declined. However, after having a few Bud Lights and realizing he's got about 3 months left to be the big guy, he back-handed May like the Patriot act did to our indivdiual liberties.

For about 30 seconds, I wanted to be George W. Bush.

I still kind of have a semi.

Watch this Movie.

by Blaine Fridley

In 2004, amidst the American cacophony of jingoistic Toby Keith singles, Hummer advertisements, Bill O'Reilly "winning" another argument by simply yelling louder than his guest and the rumble of turf-hungry machinery clearing the way for 4th-tier suburban townhome developments ("oooh, let's move here, honey! We'll have a 65-mile commute but THREE Noodles & Companies!") some of the brightest folks in urban planning and energy consumption came together in a film called "The End of Suburbia" to make a very important announcement, loudly and clearly: The American way of life is on life support.

But like just about everybody else, I didn't hear it. I was far too busy soliciting hookers on Grand Theft Auto and wondering if Seth would choose Anna or Summer (O.C. reference. -10 hetero points) to care about nano-details such as the rapid, unyielding demise of everything I've ever known. Nope. Not when-"Hey, look! It's Janet Jackson's titty!"

OK. Fast-forward to the year 2008 and one of history's greatest innovations, Netflix [for more information on how you can use product placement to increase sales, contact the DoF at diaryoffools@hotmail.com]. Found "The End of Suburbia", moved it to the top of my queue (just ahead of "You Got Served 2"), waited a few days for it to arrive in my mailbox and then popped it in.

75 minutes later, the message was clear. The development of American suburbia was/is a grossly inept and short-sided investment of our country's post W.W. II economic windfall. The reason being it's growth is all dependent on a resource in steady decline: oil.

Throughout the span of the film, a collection of highly educated minds (including Matt Simmons(!), chairman and CEO of the HUGE oil-industry investment bank, Simmons & Company, and also an associate/friend of Dick Cheney and George Dubs) paint a bleak portrait of our country's economic and social well-being if we continue to live in our cozy bubble of collective denial and fail to put the pinch on our current rate of oil consumption.

"The End of Suburbia" is the violent shake our country needs to snap out of our oil-drunk malaise. Hopefully, we'll soon start taking steps to heed it.