This Day in History: 1923

The Sahara is crossed by automobile for the first time, when the vacationing Larson family of Racine, WI - lead astray by faulty Mapquest directions - mistakenly bear right at Timbuktu while attempting to find the Mali Bubba Gump Shrimp Factory. 

The Curious Case of J.J.

At some point in our lives, we have all been there. We've all been confronted with random acts of ignorance or stupidity. Be it the jerk that cuts us off in traffic, the cashier who can't count quite fast enough, or the idiot blaring unbelievably loud metal music from his headphones in a public place, you have, at some point in your life, encountered a situation that made you pause and rethink your moral opinion on the use of violence as a means of expression. As rational human beings, we are quickly able to catch ourselves before our inner Charles Manson is unleashed. But there is that moment, before you come to your senses, where you stop and think "I swear, if I had a gun..."

Enter James Joseph Cialella, of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. While attending a Christmas night viewing of 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button', J.J. became irritated by a family of incessant noisemakers. Thoroughly disturbed that his Brad Pitt fix was being interrupted, J.J. implored the family to cease its clamor. His polite request was rebuffed and J.J. retaliated by tossing popcorn at a young son in the family. Finding that this was not a sufficient outlet for his troubles, Mr. Cialella rose from his seat and approached the family. As J.J. neared, the father of this rambunctious family rose from his own seat and was subsequently greeted by a shot in the arm from J.J.'s .380-caliber handgun.

Now it's up to you to decide how you feel about this story. You may call J.J. a monster, a lunatic, a sociopath. You may feel that his actions were unwarranted and unnecessary. But if you dig deep a bit deeper you will realize that there is a bit of J.J. lurking within us all. And then, perhaps, you will call him a hero.

And really, shouldn't we turn our attention to the real question - Why was a 29 year-old man alone watching 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button' on Christmas night? That, my dear friends, is the true crime.

Gordy the Gadfly and his Undercover Adventures in the Iraqi Press Pool

Once again, it's time to check in with the buzz-making, shit-eating verminista we all know and tolerate, Gordy the Gadfly. Wondering why you haven't seen him lately? He's been on assignment, embedded in the Iraqi press corps. Wonder what he's been up to...?

Werds: Blaine. Pitchers: Merton.

Santa isn't real

An honest conversation with my friend's kid.

Me: So, Nate, what the heck is on your Christmas list this year? A Hannah Montana sleeping bag, the new Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus Light Up Designer Studio? The Hannah Montana Holiday Singing Doll or the Hannah "I'm frickin’ everywhere" Montana Pink Folding Vinyl Umbrella? Or perhaps, you’d like the new Jonas Brothers cd?

Nate: No way! All that is for girls!

Me: Well, your mom actually wanted a girl, so maybe you should put one of those items on your list. It would make her feel better about spending 72 hours in labor with you.

Nate: Labor?

Me: We’ll talk about the birds and the bees another time.

Nate: I want Santa to bring me the Eyeclops Night Vision Infrared Stealth Goggles and LEGO Star Wars Republic Gunship.

Me: Santa? There is no Santa.

Nate: Huh?

Me: The Santa Claus tradition is a secularized substitute for the real meaning of Christmas, don't you know? Which is causing more secularization and even more mass consumerism. Furthermore, the practice of the Santa Claus tradition is contrary to the Gospel. For Santa involves the willing suspension of disbelief, in which the hearers of the story know and understand the story to be merely a story, whereas in the practice of the modern-day Santa Claus tradition children are being led to believe the story is true, and thus are being intentionally deceived by a deliberate falsehood. That is, they are being lied to, which is wrong.

Nate: What does all that mean?

Me: I have no idea, I read it somewhere. Jesus killed Santa. That's all you need to know.

Nate: My parents have been lying to me?

Me: Your parents, your friends, your friends’ parents, television, the internet, all of them are liars. Just like with the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny. It’s not a coincidence Santa is Satan spelled backwards.

Nate: (tears) The Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny aren't real either?

Me: Don’t cry, learning the truth about this is a milestone towards your adulthood. Just don’t tell your mom I told you. If you do, you won’t get anymore presents.

The Intellectual Scrapheap: Not-So-Deep Thoughts from the Mind of Blaine Fridley

Vanity plates. Not since I was in the 4th grade and LA Gear came out with those light-up sneakers have I encountered something made to raise your cool quotient that actually lowers your perceived coolness as quickly and efficiently as vanity plates. "Oh, wow! Your sneakers light-up! That's… soooo………commmmpletely gay. Enjoy being picked last for kickball the rest of the year, dillweed."

"D8T RPST" must've been taken.

OMG!! LOL!!! This one says, "Hey, I have the Internet!"

Hmm. I was actually thinking a mix of amnesty, temporary work visas and improved economic development in Mexico. But your expertly played license plate rebuttal has proven me wrong!

PS- Go Junior!

Europe Reunion Tour

Recently, it was announced that 80s rock act Europe will be re-uniting to play several different music festivals this summer. Here's an exclusive first-look at their planned set list for the performances:

And for those of you who can't make the show:

Harry Smith Gets Creepy

Something tells me Jennifer Aniston's first stop after her creeptacular interview with CBS's Harry Smith was to the nearest courthouse to procure a restraining order. Way to play it cool, Chief. 

Some of the highlights to pay attention to, that is, if you can concentrate on what's going on over Smith's heavy breathing, lip-smacking and maniacal hand-rubbing:

1) Smith ogling the latest cover of GQ featuring a nekkid Aniston wearing nothing but a neck tie @ 1:13 in the video. He obviously loses complete interest in the interview for a second as he musters up every ounce of will power to keep his pants on.

2) @1:22 - Smith giving Aniston a bow tie to wear for her next cover shoot

3) @2:11 - Continuing with the interview's John Hinkley feel, Smith - leaning in WAY too close - begins a line of questioning that ends with the request of "take me into your life for just a second." Seems an innocuous enough question to ask a celebrity, but you get the feeling he meant to say, "take me into your life for just a second, because my infra-red goggles can only tell me so much. Specifically, tell me what I would see in your bedroom if it wasn't obstructed by those hedges."

4) @ 4:19 - "All right, baby" --- Seriously, at this point I hope Aniston is keeping an eye on her green tea. Smith slipping some roofies into her Early Show mug is not out of the question. I think I actually see a bottle of ether fall out of his jacket pocket and roll around, too.

5) @4:24  - Smith ends the first part of the interview with "you look great", then again loses concentration, trails off and makes some pervy under-the-breath "Mmm" noise/moan.

Enjoy.

The DoF Friday Funk: Tego Calderon

Tego Calderon - Cambumbo

Tego Calderon w/ Don Omar - Chillin'

For more info on Tego Calderon, go here.

The Intellectual Scrapheap: Not-So-Deep Thoughts from the Mind of Blaine Fridley

My driver's license lists my date of birth as November 13, 1979. 

I disagree.

Fact is, I didn't start truly living until the day I discovered Nutella. I look back at all those wasted pre-Nutella years with nothing but contempt, disdain and utter disappointment. 

This was not living. 

Seriously, if for some reason a news report comes out tomorrow stating that Nutella is actually re-packaged Soylent Green, I don't think I'd be able to stop eating it as quickly as I morally should. 

I would then find the reporter who broke the story, ask them what it was in life that they truly loved, find that thing and destroy it. 

I love you Nutella.

Happiness… it's GANGSTA!

by Blaine Fridley, Disciple of the word according to Mos Def and Ziggy Stardust

Lately, I've been in a rut. Can't really pinpoint a reason for it, though.

My guess?

Probably a combination of headlines filled with news about war, terrorism, rampant foreclosures, disgusting displays of corporate greed rewarded with taxpayer bailouts and the Great Depression II mixed with 15 minutes of natural light a day and the Timberwolves playing like a 40-and-up rec. league team from Shaboygan sponsored by Bob "Three-Fingers" Kozlowski's Fireworks and Cheese Emporium.

It's all enough to extend your case of the Mondays right through Sunday evening. 

Then, this morning for some reason, I remembered an interview I read a few years back in Complex Magazine with David Bowie and Mos Def.

The interviewer asked them both if artists are more affected by what's going on in the world, which led to this exchange:

Mos: It's like Jay-Z said: 'I just read a magazine article that fucked up my day.' That shit will happen to you several times within a day in the climate we're living in. You turn on the TV and some kid's getting shot. Just fucking reading the news, I'm like, That hurt my feelings. I need a drink now. That's when you start being like, 'Well, just fuck it all.' The test in life nowadays is just trying to keep yourself charged up with enough good feeling. It's like, 'Ok what am I going to do to feel really good today?' Not like, some chick or a drink -

David: Absolutely.

Mos: You say, 'What am I going to do to feel good, for real?' Because to me, it's like happiness is about happiness, but happiness is a fight.

David: You've got to validate every day. There are those who just put a stamp on it and say, 'This is gonna be a good day and I'm not gonna let anything else make it a bad day.'

Mos: Fuck it. Yeah.

David: And I don't need drugs to do it.

Mos: Yeah, yeah. Don't need no booze or no bullshit like that. And to me, that's gangsta. That's hardcore! Like you said, 'I'm gonna feel good.'

So, when you feel yourself succumbing to all the negativity around you, the advice to pull yourself out of the gutter is simple: Get gangsta. Get hardcore. Get happy.

After all, it's a short ride, DoFers.

This Day in History: 1903

Breaking barriers:

Women ushers were employed for the first time at the Majestic Theatre in New York City. Their real names never recorded, the two ushers - affectionately known as "Chesty" and "Jiggles" by patrons and co-workers alike - are heralded in a year-end performance review found in the Majestic Theatre archives as "two dames who really know how to starch a man's collar" and "not as lippy as my hag-wife, Loretta, who always needs to be busted in the mush twice before laundering my shirt correctly."

Today's Celebrity Birthday:

Jane Austen, 1775. Author of such mind-numbing, drawn-out crap as Pride and Prejudice, Emma, Sense and Sensibility… a body of work responsible for putting more people to sleep than Dr. Kevorkian.

This Day in History: 2003

"And in the case of little 

Essie Mae Washington-Williams, 

Strom Thurmond, you ARE the father!"

After a half century* of Senate service highlighted by the longest filibuster ever conducted by a single Senator (24 hours and 18 minutes in an attempt to bring down the 1957 Civil Rights Act) the family of the late segregationist Sen. Strom Thurmond acknowledged Essie Mae Washington-Williams' claim that she was Thurmond's illegitimate mixed-race daughter. 

And though Thurmond never acknowledged Washington-Williams when he was alive, young Essie Mae, in an attempt to feel closer to her biological father, would often fall asleep to the soothing sounds of some of Strom's most inspirational political speeches -- like this heart-warming 1948 stump speech he made as the Dixiecrat presidential candidate:

*While still technically the sitting Senator, a Jim Henson-created Muppet-likeness would be used for all public appearances from 1984 until his death. 

Our President: Dodgeball Champion

Bush dodge shoes on press conference - Watch more Free Videos

Say what you want about old stuttering-tongue, dude can duck a shoe like nobody's business.

Think of each shoe as logical and rational policy during each term. Skillfully dodging both while staring blankly back at us.

Listen for the outraged young assistant in the background. "That's the President, that's UNBELIEVABLE!"

Really? Was it?


*The DoF in no way ever condones violence towards Dubya. Lets just say we don't find it particularly 'unbelievable' when Iraqis think about it.

Damnit, Pennsylvania, first Rick Santorum, now this?

Click pic for link

Dof Friday Funk

Darondo- Didn't I.



Thank Gilles Peterson for digging up the nearly forgotten 70's stylings of William Darondo. Darondo apparently released three little-heard EPs in the 70's for local bay-area labels that are equally brilliant (and until recently,) unheard. Since the 2006 release of Gilles Peterson Digs America, Darondo's LP Let My People Go has been well received, for good reason.

To hear the whole album.
http://www.filestube.com/06bb4773bd4bd16803ea/details.html

Menahan Streen Band- Tired of Fighting


Easily the most refreshing sound Reno has heard in quite some time, Menahan Street Band cobbles some players from Sharon King and the Dap Kings, El Michaels Affair, and Antabalas (just to name a few,) to make beautiful, hard-to-categorize jazz-funk-soul-samba-dub sexplosion in your ear place. Seriously, if you ever listen to Reno, catch this album immediately.

Wait, here it is. Weird.
http://www.filestube.com/30b6f656808222af03e9/go.html

DoF suggests...

http://www.formatmag.com/features/lego-hip-hop-album-covers/


Formatmag.com has recreated 20 classic hip hop albums with hilarious results. The diddy to our left being Reno's favorite.

Let us know what one moves you, or ya know, just make fun of Merton's hygiene. We all do it.

Note to self…

… investigate further into why I never see Esther Rolle* (from TV's Good Times) and David Ortiz in the same room. Same person? Quite possibly. Quite possibly.

*I realize she's dead. But that ruins the comedy joke-time, no?

This Day in History: 1844

Nitrous Oxide, i.e. "Laughing Gas" was used for the first time in the dental profession, thereby marking the first time 19th century dentistry became slightly less terrifying than having your face mauled off by a rabid wolverine.

This Day in History: 1948

The United Nations General Assembly adopted its Universal Declaration on Human Rights at the Palais de Chaillot in Paris. The historic document, often labeled a "Modern-Day Magna Carta," outlines the human rights standards the UN believes should be enforced by all nations**—among them "the right to life, liberty and nationality, to freedom of thought, conscience and religion, to work, to be educated, [and] to take part in government."

**Rules and participation may vary. Declaration void when human rights conflict with America's policy of global domination. 

Clearly This Dude Missed the Point

the girl who maced me - m4w - 26 (Midtown West)

we met on the subway and had an ok conversation, but you didn't tell me your name or how to get in touch with you. i asked you if you wanted to get a cup of coffee or a drink, and you responded by shooting mace in my face and screaming. even though i couldn't see very well, you looked cute and dressed well. i was hoping maybe we could give it another chance, hopefully this time mace free.


http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/940332102.html

Diary of Fools Holiday Gift Guide

Merton Sussex, Personal Shopper to the Stars

As a full-service blog, we here at the Diary pride ourselves on helping you, the reader, find news you can use, in order to assist you in sailing through life with slightly less effort than a greased burrito sails through Reno Gruber's digestive system.

To that end: Just In case you were looking for the perfect Christmas gift for the little blossoming terrorist or genocidal maniac in your life, the Diary is here to help! These Lego-style fighting figures have recently hit the market in the UK. Really. No, I'm not making this up. Granted, they're not "official" Lego® toys per se...But they ARE customized by an UK Lego dealer known as BrickArms. And sure, there'd probably be an import tax involved with getting them here, but doesn't the tiny animal-torturing bastard in your life deserve the very best?

First up, the Islamic fundamentalist "freedom fighter" comes with a rocket launcher, assault rifle and grenades. He has a removable kaffiyeh-style head scarf which, when taken off, reveals a smirk, and some swarthy stubble. How delightful! Now your children can enjoy fantastic flights of playtime fancy, pretending to detonate their toys in miniature open-air marketplaces, staging insurgent raids into coalition base camps, and even driving miniature truck bombs right up to the gates of fully-assembled playsets! For added realism, your kids can then smash them into the tiny brick-bits Legos are in their base form in order to simulate rubble! Isn't imagination wonderful?

(Note to terrorists: THIS IS, IN NO WAY, SHAPE OR FORM, INTENDED TO BE A DEPICTION OF THE PROPHET MUHAMMAD. It's just your average, garden-variety, crowd-murdering, 72-virgin-coveting, overzealously deluded religious jihadist lunatic. Osama bin Lego, if you will. So please don't blow up the Diary HQ.)

Mohammed Shaffiq, of Muslim organization The Ramadhan Foundation, branded the toy “absolutely disgusting.” He said: “It is glorifying terrorism — the makers should be ashamed. We should be coming together to unite against terrorism, but how is that possible when children are playing with toys like this?”

He then went on to express zero detectable level of outrage or condemnation over actual, real-life Islamic terrorist attacks that have killed millions, but I'm sure that's coming from their community any day, now.

Next up, we've got a delightfully adorable depiction of a tiny Schutzstaffel Major, complete with Ruger sidearm, leather visor cap and tiny "SS" lapel pins. Personally, I've always felt that the entire Third Reich was vastly under-represented in the toy world, especially in toys intended for younger children. Hey, If we don't send the message that Nazis were only misunderstood ne'er-do-wells in really sharp uniforms, kids will have to take their cues from movies...And then they'll think the entire party was made up of pasty-faced dummkopfs in ill-fitting olive drab who ran around hollering unintelligibly gutteral gibberish at each other while waiting to get shot by heroic, square-jawed G.I.'s. We really can't afford to let bigotry creep into play time, can we? Kids have to be TAUGHT to hate, y'know.

Rounding out the collection, we have this charming little Stoßtruppen (Stormtrooper), who seems impossibly happy to see you. With his cruel little smirk, authentic M1935-style Heer helmet and matching grenade launchers, he's a delightful plaything kids can use to re-create the classic "Shock Troop" tactics used by these impossibly brutal WWII-era Axis special forces. Among them: Decimating Allied lines by bombarding them with special poison-gas artillery shells designed to neutralize their integrity, then infiltrating quickly and efficiently in the ensuing confusion to strike hard at pre-identified weak points in order to slaughter any remaining pockets of resistance without mercy. Who says learning can't be fun?

Hey, don't judge. Remember: the history books are written by the winners, and each side always thinks THEY'RE fighting on the path of righteousness while the war is actually happening. Sure, upon being shown these cute little suckers, Edie Friedman, director of the Jewish Council for Racial Equality, said: “These distasteful toys are something we could all well do without, especially when there is so much tension around,” but what the hell does she know?

In case you're interested in picking these up for yourself, be sure to visit the BrickArms website. They run about £9.50 each (currently, about fourteen bucks), and are apparently in pretty high demand. To wit: at the moment, the BrickArms.com ordering system is deactivated due to "overwhelming order volume." But, don't worry. I'm sure it'll be back up soon. Until then, you can certainly feel free to peruse their selection of other tiny objects and personnel of death and terror, including precious little Kalashnikov assault rifles, cute-as-a-button M4 Carbines, and even a classic Louisville Slugger, which I'm inclined to believe isn't a part of this collection for the purposes of letting your li'l homunculi hit homeruns over their world's tiny fences. Unless by "homeruns" you mean "the patellae of welshing Mob borrowers."

Happy shopping!

Diary of Fools Superstar Showcase: Special "Coldplay-garism" Edition

Merton Sussex, Glee Club President, 2nd Alto

Usually, the Diary of Fools Superstar Showcase is an opportunty for us to spotlight tragically-overlooked amateur acts who turn out to be purveyors of so-bad-it's-good "entertainment." But today, I've been compelled to shift focus a bit and use the powerful DoF:SS pulpit to highlight a different sort of tragic/comic phenomenon: The big guy ripping off the little one.

The culprit? Twee British vanilla-pop band Coldplay. The victim? Um...there's where it gets a little sticky.

First, a little backstory: Most people I know think Coldplay are a bunch of spineless vagina-fruit. Four tossers who are too afraid of actual music to plug in and write something with any real heft. A bunch of panty-waisted Euro-trash nancy-boys who seem incapable of shitting out anything that's not repetitive, limp, and totally devoid of anything resembling legitimate musical content. Y'know...Nickelback without the distortion. And, they're right.

But recently, it came to my attention that we will likely have to add a new charge to their list of transgressions. Namely, plagiarism.

Some of you might be aware of Coldplay's latest, um..."hit," a milquetoast ditty called "Viva La Vida." Even if you DON'T listen to radio stations prone to raping their listeners' ear-holes with simpering wimp-rock, you may have heard it on TV as the background noise in a commercial for iTunes. For the uninitiated, apologies in advance for this refresher course:



Sorry about that, but it was necessary. You'll see why in a second.

Predictably, given the general public's insatiable appetite for utter lowest-common-denominator mediocrity, the song became a hit. Soccer moms everywhere blared it out of the stock stereos of their minivans, and wispy-'stached college lotharios feigned interest in the tune long enough to drop the knickers of the hippie girls from their psych classes. Fair enough. But not long after the song made Chris Martin another gajillion Euros, the hit...hit the fan

See, it seems there's this indie band from Brooklyn called Creaky Boards. And they played a showcase gig some time ago for College Music Journal. A gig that, reportedly, Coldplay's Chris Martin attended. And at that gig, they played a certain song...One that has come to be about the most ironically-titled tune of all time: "The Songs I Didn't Write."

I'm sure you can see where this is going.

"The Songs I didn't Write" has a strikingly similar melody, rhythm and chord progression to "Viva La Vida," a song that wasn't recorded and released by Coldplay until over a year later. But, don't take my word for it. Upon hearing "Viva," the 'Boards recorded this video and released it to YouTube. Judge for yourself:



Pretty damning, eh? I thought so, too. I mean, sure...When you boil it down, there are only really seven basic notes on the scale, minus the sharps, flats, minors, octaves and such. So, a certain amount of overlap is probably inevitable in pop music. Even so, I figured those guys had a good case for Coldplay having ripped them off.

But, that was before I read about guitar demi-god Joe Satriani, and HIS recently-filed copyright-infringement suit against Coldplay. Satriani clains that "Viva la Vida" actually apes HIS song, "If I Could Fly," a guitar instrumental from 2004.

"Jesus FUCK," you're thinking. "Just who is stealing from WHOM here?" Well, once again, the proof's in the pudding. Check THIS out:



Well, shit. That's even worse.

Apparently, to prove an allegation of infringement in copyright court, the Plaintiff (Satriani) must prove that the Defendant (Coldplay) had "access" to the original work, and that the subsequent composition is "substantially similar" to the original. And...given that A) "If I Could Fly" was publicly-released, and that B) "Viva la Vida" is pretty substantially goddamned similar to it, Coldplay may just wind up surrendering all of their earnings from the single directly into the pockets of Satriani. In any case, it's certainly a strong possibility.

Here's to hoping Chris Martin's got enough cheddar saved up to buy Apple's school uniforms for next year. Because I sure as shit don't want GWYNETH to have to go back to work, and neither do you. Bitch has less charisma than a dish of room-temperature tapioca.

Of course, we diligent pop-culture mavens here at the Diary will be closely monitoring ths situation, and we'll bring you updates as events warrant. Unless something interesting actually hapens in the meantime.

DoF Friday Funk: DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince

Go ahead. Laugh. But this isn't Big Willie Style. This is hip-hop in its purest form. Some of the best DJ/MC interaction you'll find on wax. Jazzy Jeff is a no-doubter Top 5 DJ of All-Time in my totally arbitrary, non-scientific rank, while Will Smith often gets overlooked because of his many-times corny lyrics, but don't be mistaken - he has skills on the mic. 

Enjoy, and happy weekend from the DoF Crew.

DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince - Pump Up the Bass

DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince - Brand New Funk

1,000 Words Worth

by Dee-Nice, Contributing Photo Essayist/Bullshit Caller

Your Headlines for December 3, 2008

Your World.

Our News.

Now 99% Fact-free!

New Kids on the Block Reunite for the Fans

"Because this time, it won't be considered statutory rape," says Donnie Wahlberg

Thumbs Down: 4 Elementary Students Named in "Seven-Up" Cheating Plot
Guessing their thumb-tapper with 100% success rate raises suspicions of peeking; "Integrity of this great game compromised," says Principal

President Bush Unlikely to Get White House Security Deposit Back
Damage from mechanical bull, foam party among a long list of citations compiled by land lord

Champions of Society: One Giant Tool

"Our children are getting killed with guns in the street. Our police are getting killed...That's why the state legislature passed the automatic sentence if you get caught with an illegal gun.

"I think it would be an outrage if we didn't prosecute to the fullest extent of the law, particularly people who live in the public domain ... If we didn't prosecute to the fullest extent, then I don't know who on earth you would."

It is a sad state of affairs when New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg is using these words, not to condemn the actions of the latest gun-toting serial rapist, purse snatcher, or crazed financial analyst to threaten Manhattan, but rather to express his outrage at the star wide receiver of the New York Giants - Plaxico Burress. A glock wielding football player.

Fresh off an epic Super Bowl XLII win in which his game-winning touchdown catch helped the Giants topple the previously undefeated New England Patriots, Mr. Burress earned himself a five - year, $35,000,000 contract extension going into this season. A pretty good year by any account.

Not content to, well, be content, Plaxico (named after his uncle, in case you were wondering) immediately pulled out his autographed copy of "How to Completely Ruin Your Sports Marketablity" by Dennis Rodman (with foreword by O.J. Simpson and introduction by 'Iron" Mike Tyson) and was inspired to (1) skip summer practice sessions while in the midst of a contract dispute, earning him a fine from the Giants,(2) engage in repeated marital disputes resulting in police twice being summoned to his New Jersey home, both visits resulting in his wife taking out temporary restraining orders against him,(3) fail to show up at a team practice during the season, resulting in a two week, one game suspension and (4)be fined by the NFL $45,000 for verbally abusing an official. I'm still waiting for him to release a rap album and be quoted as saying "Barack Obama doesn't care about Black people."

Flashforward to this past Saturday night. Plaxico decided to head out for a night on the town. Already on the injured reserve list, Plaxico did not have any obligation to be physically prepared for the next day's game which he would receive roughly $687,500 to NOT play in. The Giants teammates he brought along with him? The probably should've been home in bed. Already caught up in this whirlwind of stupidity and gross negligence, Mr. Burress decided to make yet another mind-jarringly moronic move before leaving the house, tucking his .40 Glock semiautomatic pistol into his waistband. Upon arriving at the LQ nightclub in midtown Manhattan, Burress was asked to remove the bullets from his illegally possessed weapon and, while doing so, shot himself clear through the thigh.

And now Plaxico finds himself in the spotlight. Not for an incredible play or a record-breaking game, but for his ultimate bonehead blunder, the crescendo of his bumbling, idiotically composed symphony. This news is so big in New York that he garnered the front page over the events in Mumbai, the financial crisis, the Stephon Marbury Saga, and whatever Lindsay Lohan did Saturday night. Burress initially laughed off the entire incident, but after being arrested and facing a sentence upwards of 3 1/2 years, methinks there isn't much laughter in the Burress household. Even P. Diddy's lawyer might not be able to get him out of this one. Where, oh where is Shyne when you need him?

Cheer up Plaxico, I hear there's an opening at the center position on Big Rocco's Bruisers of the Rikers Island Penitentiary Shower Football League. And even if that doesn't work out, you will always be a Champion of Society.

Black Friday Indeed

The Christmas Spirit: Catch it!

Wal-Mart Worker Trampled to Death
COLLEEN LONG, AP

NEW YORK (Nov. 28) - A Wal-Mart worker was killed Friday after an "out of control" throng of shoppers eager for post-Thanksgiving bargains broke down the doors at a suburban store and knocked him to the ground.

At least four other people, including a woman eight months pregnant, were taken to hospitals for observation or minor injuries, and the store in Valley Stream on Long Island was closed for several hours. It reopened shortly after 1 p.m.


Wal-Mart Stores Inc. in Bentonville, Ark., called the incident a "tragic situation" and said the employee came from a temporary agency and was doing maintenance work at the store.

"The safety and security of our customers and associates is our top priority," said Wal-Mart representative Dan Fogleman. "Our thoughts and prayers are with them and their families at this difficult time. At this point, facts are still being assembled and we are working closely with the Nassau County Police as they investigate what occurred."



Nassau police said about 2,000 people were gathered outside the Wal-Mart doors at the mall about 20 miles east of Manhattan. The impatient crowd knocked the man to the ground as he opened the doors, leaving a metal portion of the frame crumpled like an accordion.



Nassau police spokesman Lt. Michael Fleming, who described the scene as "utter chaos," said, "This crowd was out of control."



Dozens of store employees trying to fight their way out to help the man were also getting trampled by the crowd, Fleming said. Witnesses said that even as the worker lay on the ground, shoppers streamed into the store, stepping over him.



Kimberly Cribbs, who witnessed the stampede, said shoppers were acting like "savages."
"When they were saying they had to leave, that an employee got killed, people were yelling 'I've been on line since yesterday morning,"' she said. "They kept shopping."



The 34-year-old man was taken to a hospital, where he was pronounced dead at about 6 a.m., police said. The exact cause of death has not been determined, and the man's name was not released pending notification of family.

A 28-year-old pregnant woman was taken to a hospital, where she and the baby were reported to be OK, said police Sgt. Anthony Repalone. At least three other people were taken to hospitals with minor injuries.



Police said criminal charges were possible in the case, but Fleming said it would be difficult to identify individual shoppers. Authorities were reviewing surveillance video.



The industry's largest retail group said the incident was rare.



"We are not aware of any other circumstances where a retail employee has died working on the day after Thanksgiving," said Ellen Davis, a spokeswoman at National Retail Federation.



Shoppers around the country line up early outside stores on the day after Thanksgiving in the annual bargain-hunting ritual known as Black Friday. It got that name because it has historically been the day when stores broke into profitability for the full year.



Many stores open early and stay open late. The Valley Stream Wal-Mart usually opens at 9 a.m.
Items on sale at the Wal-Mart store included a $798 Samsung 50-inch Plasma HDTV, a Bissel Compact Upright Vacuum for $28, a Samsung 10.2 megapixel digital camera for $69 and DVDs such as "The Incredible Hulk" for $9.



The store was crowded Friday afternoon after the store reopened but shoppers were more subdued. Fleming said the store didn't have enough security on hand to handle the early morning crowds. It wasn't immediately clear whether additional security was brought in when the store reopened.



And somewhere Jesus says, "This is exactly what I had in mind."

Shameless Plug Dept.

Check out our new Shop.

www.zazzle.com/diaryoffools (or click on the shop links to the right.)

We will be updating designs constantly and soon will have more than just identity products.

We hope you'll spend your dwindling amounts of expendable income in this horrifying economy on us. We'll love you forever?

Happy Holidays*!

* Only if you are white, heterosexual and "Christian" (you should aslo probably be a male)

By Lucy Parker

I'm a festive person, I love all holidays. But most of all I love celebrating holidays, I really get into them. For example, Christmas. I started listening to Christmas music two weeks ago. It makes me happy, pure and simple. I love all the decorations, the trees, the lights, the very typical holiday fun.

One of the things I miss living in New York is driving around and looking at people's Christmas lights. When those giant snow globes came out, I was amazed (and slightly annoyed). But, this year I have found an outdoor Christmas display that takes the cake. The racist cake.

That's right kiddies for a small suggested donation of just over $80 to the American Family Association, you too can have this glowing '5"5 cross prominently displayed on your front yard this Christmas. For some reason this is reminding me of something. Hmmmmm. My guess is that this will be a real popular item in the South.

There is nothing quite like the holiday spirit. And, for the folks over at the American Family Association, their holiday spirit is filled with something extra special: hate. The American Family Association is an ultra conservative “Christian” group that pretty much dislikes, oh I dunno, everyone. If you visit their website, afa.net, you’ll notice several links which you may click on. But, if you want some real entertainment click on the products link.

I find they're DVD selection to be quite riveting. Here are my top two personal favorites.

“They’re Coming to Your Town”, (DVD) the website describes the DVD as such :

"Residents of the small Arkansas town of Eureka Springs noticed the homosexual community was growing. But they felt no threat. They went about their business as usual. Then, one day, they woke up to discover that their beloved Eureka Springs, a community which was known far and wide as a center for Christian entertainment--had changed. The City Council had been taken over by a small group of homosexual activists.

The Eureka Springs they knew is gone. It is now a national hub for homosexuals. Eureka Springs is becoming the San Francisco of Arkansas. The story of how this happened is told in the new AFA DVD “They’re Coming To Your Town. . . . . City Council member Joyce Zeller said the city will now be promoted, not as a Christian resort, but a city “selling peace, relaxation, history and sex.”

WHAT? PEACE? DEAR GOD NO! Did you say RELAXATION? I can’t even bear to continue, all of these things are horrible!

https://store.afa.net/player/player.asp?movie=http://www.afa.net/videos/60secpromo_store.flv

(click here to watch the trailer!)

“It’s Not Gay” (DVD) described as follows:

"It's Not Gay presents a story that few have heard, allowing former homosexuals the opportunity to tell their own story in their own words. Along with medical and mental health experts, these individuals express a clear warning that the sanitized version of homosexuality being presented to students is not the whole truth.

Uncompromising, yet compassionate, It's Not Gay is a fair and balanced approach to this challenging subject."

Something tells me that their idea of "fair and balanced" equates to fear and bigotry. I can't even make fun of this, it's just too dumb. So thank you AFA for being the Grinch, the Scrooge, for a holiday celebrating the birth of a man who promoted peace, love and acceptance of all people.

Growing Evidence of God? (A loving, HILARIOUS God)

From the NY Post's Page Six:

WE HEAR...THAT although we didn't think it would be possible to silence Ann Coulter, the leggy reaction- ary broke her jaw and the mouth that roared has been wired shut...

As the DoF's own Merton Sussex so wonderfully put it: "it MIGHT make her lose weight, which would just make her Adam's apple more prominent. So at least she's got that going for her."

This Day in History: 2003

Yemen arrested Mohmmed Hamid al-Ahdal, a top al-Qaida member suspected of masterminding the 2000 bombing of the USS Cole, the 2002 bombing of a French oil tanker off Yemen's coast and the comedic stylings of Mario Cantone.

Urinalysis: a multi-part study of the behaviors, codes, customs and characters of the workplace restroom

By Merton Sussex

Study #3: Cocoa Choo-Choo

We've all been there, each of us. There we are, sitting on the bowl, and minding our own business...when suddenly, the big, heavy (and always squeaky) swinging door opens up, and someone else walks into the room. Just strooolls on in like they hold a deed to the joint.

This, without fail, makes me uncomfortable.

Now, I'm not one of these pee-shy types who can't drain my vein in the public restroom. I'm a man, after all. We can, and do, pretty much pee anywhere. It's a biologically instinctual holdover from when we were still living short, violent lives on the Serengeti. It's border definition. I mean, why do you think they call it "writing your name in the snow"? You're essentially marking your territory.

But dropping a deuce? That's another matter entirely. When loaf-pinchin', I like a little privacy. Maybe that's strange, but it's sort of the way I am. Or, maybe it's everyone. Hard to say. The nature of the thing means it's not something I necessarily discuss with others. But that being said, I'm willing to bet that if any of us were dropping the kids off at the pool at HOME and a stranger walked in to nonchalantly pee in the sink, our brown-eye is clamping shut like a vise. I don't care if this is the initial sit-down after a beer and taco bender, your starfish is suddenly going to work overtime to hold in the tide of dung at all costs.

In my experience, there are several reasons for this.

One: Having a nice whizz is easy. It just involves whipping out the unit, and letting go. Aaah. No problem. But extruding a dook is a slightly more involved process. Out of necessity, you must partially disrobe, which means you're essentially half-naked. At work. Which isn't the norm. At least, most places I'VE worked, it hasn't been. So that's sort of uncomfortable to begin with.

Two: Piss is doesn't really have much of an odor when fresh. It just sort of comes out, and then drains into the bottom of the urinal unobtrusively. Scat, on the other hand...Is pretty much the extreme end of the stinky spectrum. Hence the tried and true expression: "That smells like SHIT!" to indicate that something has a foul odor. So, the moment it starts to slither its way out of your dirt-star, your immediate sphere becomes tainted with about the foulest odor imaginable all at once. And, being that most of us try to AVOID smelling nasty at work, this can be a bit tough to deal with from a psychological standpoint.

Three: Urine doesn't have much of a sound. If anything, it sort of trickles, like a babbling yellow brook. A brook full of salts and acids, sure. But it's not an embarrassing sound. In fact, some people buy little machines or fountains that produce that sound to help them relax. That being said, whosoever amongst us has been able to tell PRIOR to copping a squat what sort of borborygmal horrors awaited them upon attempting to empty the plumbing? Call them what you want: "Bronx cheers," "raspberries," or maybe even the classically Carlin-esque, "bi-labial fricative," but they're all just phew-phemisms for the same thing: Farts. And possibly even big, juicy ones that rattle the windows. Of course, because the nerve endings in our colons are slightly less-sensitive than Josef Mengele, we can't tell the gas pockets from legitimate boxcars on the Turd Express. So, you could be straining, sweating, bearing down and trying to expel what feels like a pineapple; but if it really winds up just being methane, you'd better believe it's coming out with all of the force you've seen fit to push with. And of course, the porcelain basin is a perfect natural amplifier. So, you'll probably freeze, and vainly hope that, because the bathroom is empty otherwise, nobody else heard it. But in reality, the guy who was in there just ran out to alert his manager two floors away to call the Bomb Squad. And naturally, by the time he gets there, said manager has already had them en route to your stall since before the fart itself even tapers off to that little stuttering mosquito-whine at the end.

Four: Mess. A wee-wee just involves a shake and tuck when done. Poo requires cleanup. Gotta get in there, and restore order once Shitty Shitty Bang Bang motors down Hershey Highway. And it's not like most companies these days can afford to spring for the good paper. Nope...Chances are you're attempting to wipe with quarter-ply "RuffStuff™ 95% Recycled Wood Pulp Bathroom Tissue" that not only feels like 40-grit on your tenderest of tissue, but is thinner than Sarah Palin's résumé. So there's always the risk you'll break through while attempting to scour out the really persistent dingleberries, and wind up giving yourself an impomptu rectal exam.

Five: A good colon-expulsion takes awhile sometimes. That's why so many people bring a newspaper: we've got an awful lot of Play-Doh™ to wring out of those puckered little Fun Factories of ours, and we might as well multi-task. And, when at work, you never know what your excretory habits cost the company in terms of lost productivity. And who needs that kind of pressure? I don't. So no matter what, I try my best not to involve solids in any of my workplace restroom trips. I'm not always successful, but I AM always diligent. This is because I enjoy my co-workers. But not in such a way that I can shit comfortably while they're less than 10 feet away. At least, not when one or the other of us isn't paying for the privilege.

Six: Public toilets are just that...public. And, yeah. I know That the Center For Using Government Grants to Study Ridiculous Things has determined that the toilet seat in the average restroom is cleaner than the inside of your mouth, and that the only way to catch something from it is if you sit down before the last guy gets up. I don't care. I'm no Howie Mandel germophobe, but I still don't know who got here before me. However, due to the fact that the pubes on the seat are the approximate thickness and color of industrial power cable, I'm guessing someone of at least Eastern European extraction, if not full-on Fertile Crescent.

So, for these reasons and more, I like to play it like the dude from American Pie and shit at home whenever possible. It's not always a possibility, but I feel it's important to have realistic goals in life.

The Fashion Challenges of a Pre-op First Lady

Note to the new White House stylist:

Always, ALWAYS remember to tape it back when fitting Michelle into a body-clinging evening dress.

A Thanksgiving Gift from the Blog Gods

Here lies Satire, R.I.P.

500 BCE - 2008 AD

It was a good run:

From FOXNews.com -

Alaska governor officially pardons a turkey for Thanksgiving, then conducts TV interview at farm while another is seen being butchered in the background

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin officially pardoned a turkey for Thanksgiving at a farm in Wasilla, Alaska on Thursday, then conducted a television interview as another bird was clearly seen being slaughtered in the background.

As the former Republican vice presidential nominee spoke with a KTUU-TV reporter about returning to work in Alaska, just a few feet behind her a Triple D Farms worker is seen feeding a turkey into a grinder, periodically turning around to watch the on-going interview.

Palin, who called the pardoning experience "neat" was reportedly told by the station videographer what was going on behind her, but allowed the interview to continue.

DoF Friday Funk: Little Beaver "Get into the party life."

Little Beaver "Get into the party life."








Flying Lotus- Robo Tussin f/ Lil Wayne