
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
Monday, February 08, 2010
Nut-Punch of the Week, Feb 1st-5th, '10

As we've discussed previously, the Nut-Punch is a figurative injury. A symbolic assault. And, being as it's about the furthest thing from an actual injury to the gonads imaginable, it's also incidental whether the target in question even has literal testes to begin with. Which becomes important to remember, especially in light of certain current events.
And it is in that spirit of equality for all (even when it comes to doling out nugget-knocks) that this week's nut-punch goes to none other than that Yukon Yokel herself. The Quitter-in-Chief. Herr'oner the Harlot.

I'd ask her to step up to the lectern to accept, but I don't have time to give her a road map, and turn-by-turn directions.
Look, there's no longer any doubt that she's stupid. The debate over her glaringly-obvious lack of anything resembling a functional intellectual capacity was put to rest a long time ago. Whether citing the facts about her that were made apparent during the '08 presidential campaign (She doesn't read newspapers, is unclear on the role of the Vice President, and cites policies of governmental agencies that don't exist), or the stuff that's come out since the McCain/Palin ticket's defeat (she can't name her favorite founding father, quits her single term as governor 18 months shy, and doesn't know that Africa is a continent), any questions about her wattage have been answered dozens of times over. She's so fucking dim, she makes Dan Quayle look like a card-carrying Mensan. Yessiree, if there's any one thing Sarah Palin is good at, it's being a laughingstock dumbass.
At least, I thought she was good at it.
Recently, Palin was invited to address a Teabagger's convention in order to speak to the morons who blame the current economic crisis on the guy who got it dumped on him. While there, she agreed to participate in a short Q&A with the audience. And, because she is a fucking flaming nitwit, she insisted that the questions be submitted in advance. Understandable, I suppose. Like most, I saw the V.P. debate, and the Couric interviews during the campaign. And when Sarah doesn't get the test questions in advance, she tends to choke harder than she would if there were actual testicles in her mouth.
So far, whatever. Garden-variety ass-covering bullshit from a proven imbecile. Nothing we didn't expect. But it's what happened during the actual Q&A that really launches her to new depths of "duuuuh." Because even lunk-headed dipshits who need crib notes to pass a test know not to keep them where anyone will see them, and to not make it obvious that you're cheating when you look at 'em. But no...not Sarah Palin.
Watch:
Wow. Just...Wow. It's one thing to be an abject, irredeemable bonehead. It's entirely another to be so motherfucking OBVIOUS about it. She's not even good at being stupid!
As if her hit-you-over-the-head obvious super-sneaky palm-peek wasn't enough, it seems she forgot her notes were in there while she was giving a speech at a different time. Several times, she gestured to the audience with her palms out, revealing her cheat sheet!
And what makes this even funnier is the fact that during the speech in question, she actually criticized President Obama's use of a teleprompter! You could cut the irony with a rusty spoon. At least he (like most presidents before him since the invention of the bloody thing) uses the 'prompter to give speeches of consequence and detail. For the love of Christ, you had to write party tentpoles like "Energy," "taxes" and "lift America's spirits" on your hand to remember to mention them?!? That'd be like if Obama had to scribble crap like "health care," "job creation" and "D.A.D.T. go bye-bye" on the underside of his tie before the State of the Union Address!
Y'know, it's sad...Palin recently announced that she "isn't ruling out" a bid for the presidency come 2012. But given the fact that she's so goddamned stupid that she even sucks at BEING stupid, I simply cannot imagine how she thinks she has even the faintest glimmer of being taken seriously as a candidate.
That said, as a humorist...I hope she runs. We could use the material.
Friday, November 21, 2008
A Thanksgiving Gift from the Blog Gods
Alaska Governor Sarah Palin officially pardoned a turkey for Thanksgiving at a farm in Wasilla, Alaska on Thursday, then conducted a television interview as another bird was clearly seen being slaughtered in the background.
As the former Republican vice presidential nominee spoke with a KTUU-TV reporter about returning to work in Alaska, just a few feet behind her a Triple D Farms worker is seen feeding a turkey into a grinder, periodically turning around to watch the on-going interview.
Palin, who called the pardoning experience "neat" was reportedly told by the station videographer what was going on behind her, but allowed the interview to continue.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Let the Avalanche Begin!
Monday, October 20, 2008
Amy Poehler…
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Champion of Society

There is an infinite list of crap that you can do to screw up your kid’s life, most of which you have no control over. However, naming your kid is something you do have control over. So before naming your kid you should consider all the possibilities and then consider the name contenders default nickname’s a.k.a shit your kid could be tormented with.
I never really got why people would name their kid Richard, it’s too easy. As soon as kids are old enough to realize what dick means, you know they’ll be using it against the poor schmuck named Richard. Kids will use anything they can think of against a name, literally. Take the name Mary, it’s a very common name, no one could be made fun of for that. Wrong. As each generation gets older, let’s just say they “mature” a lot faster than you would think. Thought nothing was wrong with Mary, well here’s a little ditty I once heard “Mary, Mary, quite contrary, well the hell is your p*ssy so goddamn hairy?” It is that simple people.

So think long and hard people before you go naming your kid because not only will they have to suffer with it until they can legally change it, but they will resent you even more than they already probably will. Take this dude for example, Mark Ciptak of Tennessee and his wife had already chosen on a nice name for their baby girl, Ava Grace. Apparently that didn’t suit Mr. Ciptak, because after their little bundle of joy was born he decided to name his daughter Sarah McCain Palin.
Mr. Ciptak is quoted as saying “I took one for the cause . . . I can’t give a lot of financial support for the campaign. I do have a sign up in my yard, but I can do very little.” In addition to naming his kid after douche number 1 and douche number 2, it seems as if he never even discussed this with his wife because she still doesn’t believe him. If Mr. Ciptak wanted to name his kid after a terrible political leader, he should have named it Richard Nixon; two birds, one stone, if only it was a boy.
http://www.tricities.com/tri/news/local/article/elizabethton_baby_named_sarah_mccain_palin/14996/
Monday, October 13, 2008
I Salute you Philly
I must say that I am happy that Philly fans are obnoxious a-holes. Not only do I enjoy a good boo-ing and other generally obnoxious sports fan behavior, but most other places would have given her the obligatory golf clap and moved on. So, I salute you Philadelphia for always letting your true feelings be known, and for doing so in a rude manner.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Your Headlines for October 9, 2008



Tuesday, October 07, 2008
DoF Exclusive! The Joe Sixpack Interview with Blaine Fridley

Thursday, October 02, 2008
Election 2008: The VP Debate
So, Gov. Palin, what Top Gun character would you say you would model your vice presidency after?"Maverick."And your favorite NBA franchise?"Mavericks."Mel Gibson movie?"Mad Max. HA! You thought I was going to say Maverick didn't you? Well, I didn't…because I'm a maverick!"Are you aware that you're a vapid wasteland of nonsensical ramblings?"I'm gonna have to look up the definition of vapid and get back to YA."I loathe you."Maverick."

In fact, it was FAR from it. Here's a typical response from last night's debate:
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Who would make you feel more comfortable as Vice President of the United States?
Haven't we seen this "the more ignorant I am about an issue (in Palin's case RE: EVERYTHING) the more brazenly resolute I'll be about it" bit somewhere before?
Fucking A. Mr. Fareed Zakaria, please, break it down:
Palin Is Ready? Please.
McCain says that he always puts country first. In this important case, that is simply not true.
Fareed Zakaria
NEWSWEEK
From the magazine issue dated Oct 6, 2008
Will someone please put Sarah Palin out of her agony? Is it too much to ask that she come to realize that she wants, in that wonderful phrase in American politics, "to spend more time with her family"? Having stayed in purdah for weeks, she finally agreed to a third interview. CBS's Katie Couric questioned her in her trademark sympathetic style. It didn't help. When asked how living in the state closest to Russia gave her foreign-policy experience, Palin responded thus:
"It's very important when you consider even national-security issues with Russia as Putin rears his head and comes into the airspace of the United States of America. Where—where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border. It is from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right there. They are right next to—to our state."
There is, of course, the sheer absurdity of the premise. Two weeks ago I flew to Tokyo, crossing over the North Pole. Does that make me an expert on Santa Claus? (Thanks, Jon Stewart.) But even beyond that, read the rest of her response. "It is from Alaska that we send out those …" What does this mean? This is not an isolated example. Palin has been given a set of talking points by campaign advisers, simple ideological mantras that she repeats and repeats as long as she can. ("We mustn't blink.") But if forced off those rehearsed lines, what she has to say is often, quite frankly, gibberish.
Couric asked her a smart question about the proposed $700 billion bailout of the American financial sector. It was designed to see if Palin understood that the problem in this crisis is that credit and liquidity in the financial system has dried up, and that that's why, in the estimation of Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson and Fed chairman Ben Bernanke, the government needs to step in to buy up Wall Street's most toxic liabilities. Here's the entire exchange:
COURIC: Why isn't it better, Governor Palin, to spend $700 billion helping middle-class families who are struggling with health care, housing, gas and groceries; allow them to spend more and put more money into the economy instead of helping these big financial institutions that played a role in creating this mess?
PALIN: That's why I say I, like every American I'm speaking with, were ill about this position that we have been put in where it is the taxpayers looking to bail out. But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health-care reform that is needed to help shore up our economy, helping the—it's got to be all about job creation, too, shoring up our economy and putting it back on the right track. So health-care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions and tax relief for Americans. And trade, we've got to see trade as opportunity, not as a competitive, scary thing. But one in five jobs being created in the trade sector today, we've got to look at that as more opportunity. All those things under the umbrella of job creation. This bailout is a part of that.
This is nonsense—a vapid emptying out of every catchphrase about economics that came into her head. Some commentators, like CNN's Campbell Brown, have argued that it's sexist to keep Sarah Palin under wraps, as if she were a delicate flower who might wilt under the bright lights of the modern media. But the more Palin talks, the more we see that it may not be sexism but common sense that's causing the McCain campaign to treat her like a time bomb.
Can we now admit the obvious? Sarah Palin is utterly unqualified to be vice president. She is a feisty, charismatic politician who has done some good things in Alaska. But she has never spent a day thinking about any important national or international issue, and this is a hell of a time to start. The next administration is going to face a set of challenges unlike any in recent memory. There is an ongoing military operation in Iraq that still costs $10 billion a month, a war against the Taliban in Afghanistan and Pakistan that is not going well and is not easily fixed. Iran, Russia and Venezuela present tough strategic challenges.
Domestically, the bailout and reform of the financial industry will take years and hundreds of billions of dollars. Health-care costs, unless curtailed, will bankrupt the federal government. Social Security, immigration, collapsing infrastructure and education are all going to get much worse if they are not handled soon.
And the American government is stretched to the limit. Between the Bush tax cuts, homeland-security needs, Iraq, Afghanistan and the bailout, the budget is looking bleak. Plus, within a few years, the retirement of the baby boomers begins with its massive and rising costs (in the trillions).
Obviously these are very serious challenges and constraints. In these times, for John McCain to have chosen this person to be his running mate is fundamentally irresponsible. McCain says that he always puts country first. In this important case, it is simply not true.
URL: http://www.newsweek.com/id/161204© 2008
Thank you, Fareed.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Political Gimmicks
I follow politics pretty closely, here in America and abroad as well. I find the whole American election process to be interesting; from the actual candidate to the political strategists and the all too typical itineraries politicians seem to be on since birth. One thing always seemed apparent to me, whether Republican or Democrat, all politicians are pretty much the same, just different labels.
However, in 2004 at the Democratic national convention my interest was peaked by a young Illinois state senator. Ever since his key note speech, I have followed Senator Barack Obama; a former community organizer to United States senator, and now the Democratic nominee for president of the United States. Needless to say, it was apparent that this election would be like no other election this country has seen. I saw it as an indication of this county’s progress, an indication of what this country might yet one day be. In early 2007, when Senator Obama announced his candidacy for president of the United States it was an understatement to say he gave me hope, he gave me faith.
The Democratic primaries would be a historic race, and Hilary Clinton proved to be a formidable opponent. While I was not a supporter of Senator Clinton, she has a proven political record and is capable of running this country, something I could respect. I was proud, not only as a Hispanic woman, but as an American; that in only a few short decades since the Civil Rights Movement and in under a century since women fought and earned the right to vote, we were in the midst of a presidential election where two of the top candidates were an African-American and a female.
With a majority of the country’s political attention span staying focused on what was happening with the Democratic primaries, it became clear after a tight race that Senator Obama would win the nomination. And even when it was clear that Senator Obama would win the nomination, the momentum stayed with the Democrats. A desperate move would be needed, a move that would either sink or swim the Republican chance at presidency. The Republicans never being one to be short on political strategy, came up with the biggest political gimmick of them all by naming Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin as their Vice Presidential nominee.
Sarah who? I had only heard of Governor Palin once before, when it was announced that she was 7 months pregnant while in office. An apparent news worthy event. A self-styled “maverick”, Senator John McCain and his campaign made repeated references to how Governor Palin has taken on the good ol’ boys club, while offering little to back it up. A simple Google search would yield the necessary information needed about Governor Palin.
This self-described “hockey mom” who likes to hunt and the great outdoors is also a life-long member of the NRA and supports drilling in Alaska, including the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR); has stated as recently as a month ago, then taken back, that she thinks global warming is not caused by man, and has gone up against the government to remove polar bears and beluga whales from the endangered species list. I guess that is what they are referring to when they say Governor Palin has gone against the good ol’ boys club, because a further look into her policies shows otherwise. Governor Palin is against a women’s right to choose, even in cases of rape and incest; she is against same sex marriages and in the past has supported referendums denying same sex couples state health benefits. Governor Palin also supports the death penalty and abstinence only sex education programs, and her foreign policy literally scares me.
These are not new policies; Governor Palin does not represent the reform this country needs, just like Senator McCain doesn’t. So, why did Senator McCain chose her as his running mate? Because she is a female, and because after the last 8 years of the Bush administration, they needed to present some form of opportunity of change. For Governor Palin, being female is the only difference.
It is true, the woman vote is powerful. But, to expect us to vote for someone, to expect anyone, to vote for someone because of their gender, is insulting. I have never once doubted that in my life time I would see a female president, or a could-be female president. However, I, like so many other Americans, imagined that the female candidate would be someone worthy and capable of the position, not someone who was chosen as a political gimmick. Personally, I cast my vote based upon the candidate who has the most similar political policies as I do.
While I do not agree with Governor Palin’s political policies, it is not the reason I do not find her capable of the office of vice president. Governor Palin put it best as to why she isn’t ready to be vice president: "As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?" (CNBC's "Kudlow & Co", July 2008)
Saturday, September 13, 2008
New 9/11 Memorial Opens, CNN Poops on it

We here at "Diary of Fools" like making fun of other people. Why wouldn't we? Sure, I eat paste and believe in the Tooth Fairy, but I still know they deserve it. Welcome to life, old people. It's half about sorrow and half about how dumb you are. I mean, not YOU, but those other people.

But if CNN is going to put up an article concerning a new memorial to those who died on September 11, 2001, in terrorist attacks...why would they make the headline "Pentagon 9/11 memorial honors victims in symbols, concrete"? And the lack of capitalization is theirs, not mine. And that's just the start of it. If you read this "article", you will learn exactly how NOT to write about sculpture, and how to make every possible mistake.
Here's just one key quote: "the wall is designed to remind visitors of the youngest and oldest victims, wrapping the memorial in symbolic imagery." Well, put simply, and I guess that's how you like it, CNN.com, -- an artistic memorial to a tragedy can't be, so to speak "wrapped in [its own] symbolic imagery". No artwork can, that doesn't make sense.

Hey, personal note to Sarah Palin: I'll bet you could read this CNN article and not find anything wrong with it. Nothing personal, it's just a gut feeling. You seem like a nice mommy, and I'm in a position to know, uniquely. But if you think I'm saying you're a bit dumb, shrill, self-serving, lack circumspection, and really don't have any normal human decency, yes, that's what I suspect about you. I'm sure you're very busy being on the campaign trail and you don't have time to consider what is or isn't good journalism. And the liberal media will always hate you because you're beautiful, or so you think.
But again, awesome mommy, I'm sure.