DoF Exclusive! The Joe Sixpack Interview with Blaine Fridley

Gov. Sarah Palin has been in the spotlight on the stage of American politics since her coming-out party at the 2008 Republican National Convention. Supporters hail her as reformer. A young, photogenic woman whose MILFy attractiveness belies her reported reputation as a feisty pit bull willing to take on the "mainstream Washington insiders" and fight for the average American. A maverick, if you will. Her detractors, on the other hand, do not like her because she is in fact, none of these things. That, and she's grossly under-qualified. Details, details, details.

Over the course of several highly scrutinized interviews and one recent debate, voters have been learning more and more about just where, exactly, Palin stands on the issues and who she wants to represent by sifting through her sludge of mixed tenses, muddled run-on sentences and cumbersome, over-done colloquialisms for nuggets of vagaries. 

From this, the Alaskan governor has made it very clear that nobody is expected to benefit more from a McCain/Palin victory (Tina Fey not included) than Joe Sixpack. 

So just who, exactly, is Joe Sixpack? The DoF traveled to his southern New Jersey split-level to find out.

DoF: Let me first apologize for scheduling this interview during the Eagles game.

Joe Sixpack: Oh, that'sJEEEEZUS MCNABB! THROWITAWAY!THROWITAWAY! Sorry, about that. You wanna beer or a deviled egg or something?

DoF: No thanks. So tell me, how did it feel when you heard Palin specifically making your well-being a priority of the McCain/Palin campaign?

JS: FUCKMEUPTHEASS!HE'S OPEN!HE'S OPEN! FOR THE LOVE OF RON JAWORSKI'S LEFT TESTICLE WOULD YOU FUCKS PLEASE PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS! I'm sorry, I'm sorry…what were you saying? 

DoF: How do you feel about Palin making you a priori--

JS: --Palin? Well, yeah, I'd bang her I guess.

DoF: Bang her?

JS: Yeah, bang her. You know bend her over that moose carcass and really go to town, you know? There's something about a woman in Mossy Oak® Camo that gives me a wicked stiffy...am I wrong?

DoF: Well-

JS: -well what? You queer or something? Nah, I'm just messing with youOHFUCKMEUPTHEASSWITHRANDALLCUNNINGHAM'SBIGBLACKCOCK! CATCH THE FUCKING BALL, JACKSON YOU ASSHOLE! I can tell you who SHOULDN'T be vice president, Andy Fucking Reid, that's who. That asshole couldn't coach a team out of a broom closet.

DoF: The question was actually how do you feel about Palin taking up your cause, and will that sway your vote come November?

JS: Vote? I haven't voted since the late '80s.

DoF: Bush or Dukakis?

JS: Bush or Dookiewhonow? What the hell are you talking about? No, I voted Bud Dry for MVP of Bud Bowl III. You remember that kick return he had to win the game? That. was. awwwwesome! I actually taped it if you wanna watch it-

DoF: -oh, no, that's OK

JS: Fucking great, here it is:

DoF: Umm...yeah, that's great.

JS: I also have some pretty great titty flix, if you're into that.

DoF: No, I think I'll-

JS: -you'll think nothing, because I don't watch pornos with other dudes. So forget about it, queer.

DoF: Look, don't you think you owe it to yourself to vote for a ticket that is claiming to have your best interests in mind?

JS: Actually, I owe it to myself NOT to vote for McCain/Palin.

DoF: Really?

JS: Yeah, it's like Howard Stern said: "If the gods had intended for people to vote, they would have given us candidates." 

DoF: I think that was Howard Zinn who said that.

JS: Howard Zinn? Who the hell is that? Either way, I'd still bang that Palin broad.