Black Friday Indeed

The Christmas Spirit: Catch it!

Wal-Mart Worker Trampled to Death
COLLEEN LONG, AP

NEW YORK (Nov. 28) - A Wal-Mart worker was killed Friday after an "out of control" throng of shoppers eager for post-Thanksgiving bargains broke down the doors at a suburban store and knocked him to the ground.

At least four other people, including a woman eight months pregnant, were taken to hospitals for observation or minor injuries, and the store in Valley Stream on Long Island was closed for several hours. It reopened shortly after 1 p.m.


Wal-Mart Stores Inc. in Bentonville, Ark., called the incident a "tragic situation" and said the employee came from a temporary agency and was doing maintenance work at the store.

"The safety and security of our customers and associates is our top priority," said Wal-Mart representative Dan Fogleman. "Our thoughts and prayers are with them and their families at this difficult time. At this point, facts are still being assembled and we are working closely with the Nassau County Police as they investigate what occurred."



Nassau police said about 2,000 people were gathered outside the Wal-Mart doors at the mall about 20 miles east of Manhattan. The impatient crowd knocked the man to the ground as he opened the doors, leaving a metal portion of the frame crumpled like an accordion.



Nassau police spokesman Lt. Michael Fleming, who described the scene as "utter chaos," said, "This crowd was out of control."



Dozens of store employees trying to fight their way out to help the man were also getting trampled by the crowd, Fleming said. Witnesses said that even as the worker lay on the ground, shoppers streamed into the store, stepping over him.



Kimberly Cribbs, who witnessed the stampede, said shoppers were acting like "savages."
"When they were saying they had to leave, that an employee got killed, people were yelling 'I've been on line since yesterday morning,"' she said. "They kept shopping."



The 34-year-old man was taken to a hospital, where he was pronounced dead at about 6 a.m., police said. The exact cause of death has not been determined, and the man's name was not released pending notification of family.

A 28-year-old pregnant woman was taken to a hospital, where she and the baby were reported to be OK, said police Sgt. Anthony Repalone. At least three other people were taken to hospitals with minor injuries.



Police said criminal charges were possible in the case, but Fleming said it would be difficult to identify individual shoppers. Authorities were reviewing surveillance video.



The industry's largest retail group said the incident was rare.



"We are not aware of any other circumstances where a retail employee has died working on the day after Thanksgiving," said Ellen Davis, a spokeswoman at National Retail Federation.



Shoppers around the country line up early outside stores on the day after Thanksgiving in the annual bargain-hunting ritual known as Black Friday. It got that name because it has historically been the day when stores broke into profitability for the full year.



Many stores open early and stay open late. The Valley Stream Wal-Mart usually opens at 9 a.m.
Items on sale at the Wal-Mart store included a $798 Samsung 50-inch Plasma HDTV, a Bissel Compact Upright Vacuum for $28, a Samsung 10.2 megapixel digital camera for $69 and DVDs such as "The Incredible Hulk" for $9.



The store was crowded Friday afternoon after the store reopened but shoppers were more subdued. Fleming said the store didn't have enough security on hand to handle the early morning crowds. It wasn't immediately clear whether additional security was brought in when the store reopened.



And somewhere Jesus says, "This is exactly what I had in mind."

Shameless Plug Dept.

Check out our new Shop.

www.zazzle.com/diaryoffools (or click on the shop links to the right.)

We will be updating designs constantly and soon will have more than just identity products.

We hope you'll spend your dwindling amounts of expendable income in this horrifying economy on us. We'll love you forever?

Happy Holidays*!

* Only if you are white, heterosexual and "Christian" (you should aslo probably be a male)

By Lucy Parker

I'm a festive person, I love all holidays. But most of all I love celebrating holidays, I really get into them. For example, Christmas. I started listening to Christmas music two weeks ago. It makes me happy, pure and simple. I love all the decorations, the trees, the lights, the very typical holiday fun.

One of the things I miss living in New York is driving around and looking at people's Christmas lights. When those giant snow globes came out, I was amazed (and slightly annoyed). But, this year I have found an outdoor Christmas display that takes the cake. The racist cake.

That's right kiddies for a small suggested donation of just over $80 to the American Family Association, you too can have this glowing '5"5 cross prominently displayed on your front yard this Christmas. For some reason this is reminding me of something. Hmmmmm. My guess is that this will be a real popular item in the South.

There is nothing quite like the holiday spirit. And, for the folks over at the American Family Association, their holiday spirit is filled with something extra special: hate. The American Family Association is an ultra conservative “Christian” group that pretty much dislikes, oh I dunno, everyone. If you visit their website, afa.net, you’ll notice several links which you may click on. But, if you want some real entertainment click on the products link.

I find they're DVD selection to be quite riveting. Here are my top two personal favorites.

“They’re Coming to Your Town”, (DVD) the website describes the DVD as such :

"Residents of the small Arkansas town of Eureka Springs noticed the homosexual community was growing. But they felt no threat. They went about their business as usual. Then, one day, they woke up to discover that their beloved Eureka Springs, a community which was known far and wide as a center for Christian entertainment--had changed. The City Council had been taken over by a small group of homosexual activists.

The Eureka Springs they knew is gone. It is now a national hub for homosexuals. Eureka Springs is becoming the San Francisco of Arkansas. The story of how this happened is told in the new AFA DVD “They’re Coming To Your Town. . . . . City Council member Joyce Zeller said the city will now be promoted, not as a Christian resort, but a city “selling peace, relaxation, history and sex.”

WHAT? PEACE? DEAR GOD NO! Did you say RELAXATION? I can’t even bear to continue, all of these things are horrible!

https://store.afa.net/player/player.asp?movie=http://www.afa.net/videos/60secpromo_store.flv

(click here to watch the trailer!)

“It’s Not Gay” (DVD) described as follows:

"It's Not Gay presents a story that few have heard, allowing former homosexuals the opportunity to tell their own story in their own words. Along with medical and mental health experts, these individuals express a clear warning that the sanitized version of homosexuality being presented to students is not the whole truth.

Uncompromising, yet compassionate, It's Not Gay is a fair and balanced approach to this challenging subject."

Something tells me that their idea of "fair and balanced" equates to fear and bigotry. I can't even make fun of this, it's just too dumb. So thank you AFA for being the Grinch, the Scrooge, for a holiday celebrating the birth of a man who promoted peace, love and acceptance of all people.

Growing Evidence of God? (A loving, HILARIOUS God)

From the NY Post's Page Six:

WE HEAR...THAT although we didn't think it would be possible to silence Ann Coulter, the leggy reaction- ary broke her jaw and the mouth that roared has been wired shut...

As the DoF's own Merton Sussex so wonderfully put it: "it MIGHT make her lose weight, which would just make her Adam's apple more prominent. So at least she's got that going for her."

This Day in History: 2003

Yemen arrested Mohmmed Hamid al-Ahdal, a top al-Qaida member suspected of masterminding the 2000 bombing of the USS Cole, the 2002 bombing of a French oil tanker off Yemen's coast and the comedic stylings of Mario Cantone.

Urinalysis: a multi-part study of the behaviors, codes, customs and characters of the workplace restroom

By Merton Sussex

Study #3: Cocoa Choo-Choo

We've all been there, each of us. There we are, sitting on the bowl, and minding our own business...when suddenly, the big, heavy (and always squeaky) swinging door opens up, and someone else walks into the room. Just strooolls on in like they hold a deed to the joint.

This, without fail, makes me uncomfortable.

Now, I'm not one of these pee-shy types who can't drain my vein in the public restroom. I'm a man, after all. We can, and do, pretty much pee anywhere. It's a biologically instinctual holdover from when we were still living short, violent lives on the Serengeti. It's border definition. I mean, why do you think they call it "writing your name in the snow"? You're essentially marking your territory.

But dropping a deuce? That's another matter entirely. When loaf-pinchin', I like a little privacy. Maybe that's strange, but it's sort of the way I am. Or, maybe it's everyone. Hard to say. The nature of the thing means it's not something I necessarily discuss with others. But that being said, I'm willing to bet that if any of us were dropping the kids off at the pool at HOME and a stranger walked in to nonchalantly pee in the sink, our brown-eye is clamping shut like a vise. I don't care if this is the initial sit-down after a beer and taco bender, your starfish is suddenly going to work overtime to hold in the tide of dung at all costs.

In my experience, there are several reasons for this.

One: Having a nice whizz is easy. It just involves whipping out the unit, and letting go. Aaah. No problem. But extruding a dook is a slightly more involved process. Out of necessity, you must partially disrobe, which means you're essentially half-naked. At work. Which isn't the norm. At least, most places I'VE worked, it hasn't been. So that's sort of uncomfortable to begin with.

Two: Piss is doesn't really have much of an odor when fresh. It just sort of comes out, and then drains into the bottom of the urinal unobtrusively. Scat, on the other hand...Is pretty much the extreme end of the stinky spectrum. Hence the tried and true expression: "That smells like SHIT!" to indicate that something has a foul odor. So, the moment it starts to slither its way out of your dirt-star, your immediate sphere becomes tainted with about the foulest odor imaginable all at once. And, being that most of us try to AVOID smelling nasty at work, this can be a bit tough to deal with from a psychological standpoint.

Three: Urine doesn't have much of a sound. If anything, it sort of trickles, like a babbling yellow brook. A brook full of salts and acids, sure. But it's not an embarrassing sound. In fact, some people buy little machines or fountains that produce that sound to help them relax. That being said, whosoever amongst us has been able to tell PRIOR to copping a squat what sort of borborygmal horrors awaited them upon attempting to empty the plumbing? Call them what you want: "Bronx cheers," "raspberries," or maybe even the classically Carlin-esque, "bi-labial fricative," but they're all just phew-phemisms for the same thing: Farts. And possibly even big, juicy ones that rattle the windows. Of course, because the nerve endings in our colons are slightly less-sensitive than Josef Mengele, we can't tell the gas pockets from legitimate boxcars on the Turd Express. So, you could be straining, sweating, bearing down and trying to expel what feels like a pineapple; but if it really winds up just being methane, you'd better believe it's coming out with all of the force you've seen fit to push with. And of course, the porcelain basin is a perfect natural amplifier. So, you'll probably freeze, and vainly hope that, because the bathroom is empty otherwise, nobody else heard it. But in reality, the guy who was in there just ran out to alert his manager two floors away to call the Bomb Squad. And naturally, by the time he gets there, said manager has already had them en route to your stall since before the fart itself even tapers off to that little stuttering mosquito-whine at the end.

Four: Mess. A wee-wee just involves a shake and tuck when done. Poo requires cleanup. Gotta get in there, and restore order once Shitty Shitty Bang Bang motors down Hershey Highway. And it's not like most companies these days can afford to spring for the good paper. Nope...Chances are you're attempting to wipe with quarter-ply "RuffStuff™ 95% Recycled Wood Pulp Bathroom Tissue" that not only feels like 40-grit on your tenderest of tissue, but is thinner than Sarah Palin's résumé. So there's always the risk you'll break through while attempting to scour out the really persistent dingleberries, and wind up giving yourself an impomptu rectal exam.

Five: A good colon-expulsion takes awhile sometimes. That's why so many people bring a newspaper: we've got an awful lot of Play-Doh™ to wring out of those puckered little Fun Factories of ours, and we might as well multi-task. And, when at work, you never know what your excretory habits cost the company in terms of lost productivity. And who needs that kind of pressure? I don't. So no matter what, I try my best not to involve solids in any of my workplace restroom trips. I'm not always successful, but I AM always diligent. This is because I enjoy my co-workers. But not in such a way that I can shit comfortably while they're less than 10 feet away. At least, not when one or the other of us isn't paying for the privilege.

Six: Public toilets are just that...public. And, yeah. I know That the Center For Using Government Grants to Study Ridiculous Things has determined that the toilet seat in the average restroom is cleaner than the inside of your mouth, and that the only way to catch something from it is if you sit down before the last guy gets up. I don't care. I'm no Howie Mandel germophobe, but I still don't know who got here before me. However, due to the fact that the pubes on the seat are the approximate thickness and color of industrial power cable, I'm guessing someone of at least Eastern European extraction, if not full-on Fertile Crescent.

So, for these reasons and more, I like to play it like the dude from American Pie and shit at home whenever possible. It's not always a possibility, but I feel it's important to have realistic goals in life.

The Fashion Challenges of a Pre-op First Lady

Note to the new White House stylist:

Always, ALWAYS remember to tape it back when fitting Michelle into a body-clinging evening dress.

A Thanksgiving Gift from the Blog Gods

Here lies Satire, R.I.P.

500 BCE - 2008 AD

It was a good run:

From FOXNews.com -

Alaska governor officially pardons a turkey for Thanksgiving, then conducts TV interview at farm while another is seen being butchered in the background

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin officially pardoned a turkey for Thanksgiving at a farm in Wasilla, Alaska on Thursday, then conducted a television interview as another bird was clearly seen being slaughtered in the background.

As the former Republican vice presidential nominee spoke with a KTUU-TV reporter about returning to work in Alaska, just a few feet behind her a Triple D Farms worker is seen feeding a turkey into a grinder, periodically turning around to watch the on-going interview.

Palin, who called the pardoning experience "neat" was reportedly told by the station videographer what was going on behind her, but allowed the interview to continue.

DoF Friday Funk: Little Beaver "Get into the party life."

Little Beaver "Get into the party life."








Flying Lotus- Robo Tussin f/ Lil Wayne

Man Found Having Sex with Mannequins, Cites Andrew McCarthy as Personal Hero.

UK-

A man has been arrested in the UK after trying to perform an orgy with a group of shop dummies.

Staff at a department store were shocked to find 37-year-old Metin Erzurum tucked up in a display bed in the shops window, accompanied by three mannequins.

He later admitted he had broken into the store and had been attempting an orgy with the life size dolls. Police were called and duly arrested Erzurum, charging him with burglary and criminal damage.

No word if Metin plans to cart his recently deceased boss around for a weekend in order to gain access to his sexy beach house. Stay tuned to DoF for updates.

This Day in History: 1997

Kenny G. receives a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. The homeless population of Hollywood Blvd. quickly make it the most defecated-upon star on the Walk of Fame.  

Mmmm, mmm, mmmm…that there is some delicious karma

by Blaine Fridley

Usually, I don't take joy in other people losing their jobs. Unless, of course, their job duties involve withholding basic human rights. In that case, you can call me Shadenfreude J. Gravedancer.

(Above) Focus on the Family Founder

and World Class Taint-licker, James Dobson.

As reported in the Colorado Independent, the conservative Christian ministry known as Focus on the Family announced that it'll be laying off approximately 20% of its workforce. This deliciously karmic development comes almost immediately after the group spent over half a million dollars to pass the anti-gay marriage Proposition 8 in California.

Read the Independent article here.

This Day in History: 1990

Blame it on the rain…

Music fans the world over are shocked when Milli Vanilli's Grammy award is rescinded after it's discovered the duo didn't do their own singing. A similar shock is felt when it's learned that Bette Midler was awarded a Grammy (Record of the Year: Wind Beneath My Wings) for doing her own singing. 

This Day in History: 1966

U.S. Roman Catholic bishops did away with the rule against eating meat on Fridays outside of Lent, but voted unanimously to preserve the Catholic tradition of tea bagging all new altar boys.

This Day in History: 1800

Open for Democracy

Congress holds its first session in Washington's new Capitol building. After arriving to the partially-completed structure on the backs of their slaves (little known fact: slave piggyback rides were considered the ultimate status-symbol vehicle of the early 1800s*), representatives quickly went to work passing legislation that made female orgasms illegal before dismissing themselves for the rest of the day to kick a drunk peasant who had wandered on to the Capitol's grounds. 

*the DoF can't actually prove this, but it sounds right, yeah?

President Bush Shocks us all

This might be one of the funniest photos I have ever seen. Soon to be former President Bush is scene here posing with his staff at the White House making a rather childish yet funny hand gesture (two in the pink, one in the stink). You know that out of that rather larger group of people someone had to have known what that hand symbol stands for. However, not one person said anything. Maybe the jokes on us and they know perfectly well what that hand gesture means.

The DoF Friday Funk: TV on the Radio

TV on the Radio - "Dancing Choose"

The DoF Superstar Showcase: Sondra Pill vs. Jerry Callahan vs. A Finnish Cult

Welcome back to another edition of Superstar Showcase! Last week's contest was a runaway, with Ellen and Donald earning 100% of the vote on the strength of their undeniably infectious song, "He Loves a Fat Girl". This week's Showcase, however, features a diverse field sure to have the vote split like the proverbial post-coital urine stream. Don't forget, everybody who votes for their favorite Superstar Showcase contestant is automatically entered to win a free DoF T-shirt. Just cast your vote in the comments section and send your contact and sizing info to diaryoffools@hotmail.com (absolutely NO info is given out). 

Today's first contestant is a legend of cable access, who goes by the name of Sondra. Or Ms. Prill if you're Nasty:

OK...nice work, Sondra. How you were able to turn down that group of swarthy middle-aged men in a Best Western hot tub is beyond me. You most definitely are in Control.

Our next contestants are a nameless Finnish collective who are finally answering this nagging question: What if the movie Grease took place in a late 1970s space disco: 

Whoahohoho! That, my friends, is what you call raising the bar! The only thing that even has a remote chance of topping that is a magic show, because EVERYBODY loves a magic show (everybody=the mentally handicapped)! But not just any magic show. I'm talking about Jerry Callahan and his cleverly-named "The Paper Balls in the Bottomless Box" routine:

Holy Crap! It used to be one would be burned at the stake for wizardry like that! 

Whew…well, good luck voters, that wraps up another edition of the Superstar Showcase. You definitely have a hard choice to make. As always, vote early and vote often --- free DoF swag is at stake!

Champions of Society

As active participants in this little experiment called democracy, we Americans are used to being pissed on by our elected officials.

It's just that some of them are a little more literal than others:

Councilman vows to quit alcohol after public urination bust

BY RICH SCHAPIRO AND MIKE JACCARINO
DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITERS
Monday, November 10th 2008, 2:11 AM

Pea-brained Jersey City Councilman Steven Lipski swore off booze Sunday - two days after he was busted for urinating on a crowd of revelers at a Washington D.C. nightclub.

"I've resolved not to touch alcohol again," Lipski told reporters outside his home.

He called the incident "deeply humiliating, very embarrassing" and "troubling."

EARLIER: COUNCILMAN IS No. 1 THREAT AT D.C. CLUB
Still, the two-term Democrat refused to admit that he drunkenly relieved himself from the second-floor balcony of the 9:30 club Friday night.

"I can't comment on that," Lipski told Fox 5. "I'm going to continue to do all the good things, and I'm not going to let this overshadow me."

Lipski's vow to lay off the bottle came after he spent the weekend reassuring pals and contributors that it was a spilled drink - not No.1 - that got him in hot water.

"I spoke to one of his contributors this morning, and he's denying the whole thing," one source said yesterday.

"He's telling people he spilled a drink. It's ridiculous. He's already said he's not resigning. He's telling people that."

Lipski, 44, in Washington to see a Grateful Dead tribute band, was hauled out of the concert hall by cops after staffers spotted him in the act about 9:50 p.m., club sources said.

He was charged with simple assault.

The incident is the second booze-linked black eye notched by Jersey City pols in two years.

Mayor Jerramiah Healy was arrested and pepper-sprayed outside a Jersey Shore night club in the summer of 2006 after tussling with local cops.

"It's embarrassing for the city," said Jersey City Councilman Steven Fulop. "If you are invested in the city or are considering it, it sends the wrong message."

[End of story]

Lipski has now admitted in more recent stories that he's a recovering alcoholic who fell off the wagon and did indeed unleash a golden shower upon the helpless Dead Heads (insert your own joke here re: Grateful Dead fans finally getting a shower of some sort).

Ok, just a few quick things here:

1) Jeezus, I love the NY tabloid tandem of The Post and The Daily News if only for leads like "Pea-brained Jersey City Councilman…"

2) Oh, and the fact that this is the picture used in the story only makes me love The Daily News more.

3) Let's see, I'm a dude in rehab trying to stay off drugs and alcohol. Where should I go to avoid all temptation? Hmmmm…I GOT IT! A Grateful Dead Coverband show!

Pet Peeve #3: Female Sideline Reporters

If there’s one thing I dislike about watching football, it’s the female sideline reporters. The only female sideline reporters that don't make me completely denounce feminism are the ladies that actually played sports.

These types of reporters provide as much value to the game as white rappers do to rap and Vanna does to “Wheel of Fortune.” There’s the awkward interview with a coach who won’t be revealing anything important until after the game, "We'll be running a splitback formation on every play in the second half. They will never see it coming!" And there’s the injury update that is already circulating through the press box. Most of these women are articulate and knowledgeable but lets be honest, they’re really only there because of boobies.

Someone forgot to send network executives the memo stating not all boobies increase ratings, just the hot ones. The people deciding who’s attractive are the same people who think Kelly Ripa is sexy. Despite what a drunken Joe Namath may think, something about a Botoxed face under five layers of makeup and airbrushing just doesn’t do it for me.

Sports have altered the way our society views people on television. Regardless of how short a man is, how much hair he has, or how big his beer belly is, he still has the potential of making it on our screens. The same rules seem to apply to the female sideline reporters. Would Andrea “Big Eyes” Kramer and Michele “Man Hands” Tafoya been hired if HDTV was invented back then?

If she’s not eye-candy she should at least be able to ask appropriate questions and have a clear knowledge of the game and the players. It’s not exactly the most difficult job. When a player is injured and starts heading towards the locker room, do they really need to ask Suzy Kolber for feedback when she is just going to say, “He is injured and is heading towards the locker room, back to you in the booth, the nice… warm… booth.” Isn’t Suzy way more talented than that?

While interviewing Mike Singletary at the 49ers/Seahawk game, Danyelle Sargent mistakenly attributed Bill Walsh as Singletary’s mentor. Then Sargent went on saying that Bill Walsh was one of the first phone calls that Mike made when he got the job. First off, Bill Walsh was not Singletary’s mentor. Second, Bill Walsh is dead. Other questions Sargent meant to ask Mike included: "Are you going to start Joe Montana or Steve Young?" "What’s the significance of the cross necklace thingy that some of the players are wearing?" And finally, "do these jeans make my butt look big?"

Don't get me wrong, bad broadcasting is bad broadcasting. There is a plethora of horrible male sports reporters. Tony Siragusa comes to mind.

At what point did hiring female sports reporters stop being a “breakthrough” and start being an annoyance? The very fact that the female sports reporter only receives about 20-30 seconds of air time and can only be found on the sideline is enough proof that it is merely a token gesture. Is this network executives’ sorry excuse of an attempt at luring female viewers? I don’t see tampon ads being added to the commercial line-up any time soon. Save these reporters from embarrassment.

It's true there are great ladies on the sidelines. I call them cheerleaders. They don't talk or ask questions. They don’t keep score. Their job is to bounce and look pretty.

Ideally, the female sideline reporter would know the difference between a nickel defense and 30-stack. She would look hot in a bikini, listen to ESPN Radio Primetime and be able to hold a conversation with Bill Parcells. Take Suzy Kolber’s brain and put it in Melanie Collins’ body and you have the perfect sideline reporter... In your dreams.

The DoF Funhouse: Super Obama World

Click here to play:

Super Stores: Super Fun & Super Dumb

By Lucy Parker, Super Store Enthusiast and Basher

America has an obsession with “super stores”, Target Greatland, Wal-mart Super Center, Sam’s Club, Costco and BJ’s. At these one-stop shops you can get everything from a pair of socks, to a Christmas tree, to a gallon of mayo. And, let’s not forget Ikea, where you can spend hours walking in their store layout, forced to follow those arrows around what is probably the size of an airport hangar looking at mediocre Swedish household items. Although people complain about these places in reference to shit that is wrong with America (i.e. excess), most people (including yours truly) cannot get enough of these places. I don’t know what it is!

In my own defense, I must say that it is a very rare opportunity that I get to visit these establishments. Manhattan is a size constrained island and having airport hangars full of gallons of mayo would require some serious real estate acquisitions on the company’s behalf, although there is no doubt they are probably trying to do so. (They opened one in Brooklyn, but how am I supposed to get all my crap back on the subway?) Thus, every chance I get to go to one of these places, I jump at the opportunity. It’s like a friggin' field trip that fills me with amazement and the undying urge to buy shit I don’t need. At one trip to a Sam’s club I purchased 36 ice cream sandwiches. Why? BECAUSE I COULD! Did I eat them? No, I had about two. I was so ashamed, that is until my most recent experience with the super store, Ikea.

One of my roommates had access to a car and planned on visiting Ikea with her family. Seeing this as a prime opportunity, I immediately wanted to go. However, it wasn’t possible and I went to Ikea’s website and found a nice dresser for my room. I gave my roommate the money necessary to purchase the item and she delivered it right to our apartment, a success by any means. Only everything went horribly wrong and I ended up needing to exchange the dresser because, super stores always known for their “quality”, half the parts were missing. What else should I expect from a store whose instruction manuals don't even include words? Graciously, one of my friends agreed to drive me there, on a Saturday night.

And, that is when I realized how much it sucks to be an adult sometimes and the very real possibility that my life is pathetic. I had to get a number, like I was at the DMV, and wait to be called. So, there I was in Paramus, NJ, on a Saturday night sitting at Ikea’s customer service with my half dresser and half ass watching “Final Destination 3”.

The only thing that made this night better was that when I looked up after checking my phone, a crowd had gathered around the TV playing “Final Destination 3” in the waiting area. A crowd that included my two friends and people who weren’t even waiting for their numbers to be called, they were just passing by with their shopping carts and somehow got entranced into that horrible movie. My number was called and I exchanged my dresser and ripped my friends away from “Final Destination 3”. We placed my dresser in the car, so we could move around Ikea at ease. Of course we weren’t leaving.

Not only were we not leaving, but it became essential that we stop by the food place and stock up on food items for one dollar (hot dogs, ice cream, etc.) I saved my food money for the cinnamon buns at the end. We didn’t care that we only had an hour and fifteen minutes until the place closed, never mind that only a week before I had sworn off Ikea and all similar stores (not you Target, I love you) on moral principles. We were at Ikea and we were going to make the most of it, damnit.

A lot of people would ask what you can get done at Ikea in only one hour and fifteen minutes. My answer is a lot. Common sense tells you that in general you are going to want at least 2 hours there, given the sheer size of the place and the fact that they do sell food, as if it were some sort of marathon where nourishment is needed such as Gatorade. Actually after my sprint through Ikea, it would be preferable if there were some sort of stand set up throughout the airport hangar where you can get electrolyte sports drinks, I’ll take red please.

Dresser free and well stocked on high caloric nourishment, my friends and I proceeded to what I would call “crash shop” our way through Ikea. It was reminiscent of those designer bridal gown sales where people line up hours in advance and tear through the store to find their dress, although not quite on that scale. We were literally power walking our way through, and with 15 minutes to spare were able to get two dressers (3 if you count the one I exchanged), 3 lamps, drawer compartment organizers, and some bamboo. The topic of discussion on the car ride home was that we didn’t have enough time and that we must return ASAP.

The worst part was that I whole heartedly concurred. I had just had a horrible experience with Ikea that will forever be emblazoned in my brain, but one little 2 hour excursion at Ikea broke me. All I needed was to see that ugly, lit up, yellow Ikea sign and I was immediately drawn to it, like a mosquito to a lamp. I cannot wait until we go again, and I am ashamed that I am not the least bit ashamed.

The DoF Friday Funk: Santogold, NERD and Julian Casablancas

Santogold, NERD and Julian Casablancas - My Drive Thru

Have a great weekend and don't forget to go here to enter for your chance at an official DoF T-shirt. 

The DoF Superstar Showcase: Roy Al vs. Ellen and Donald vs. Jordan Thomas

American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, America's Got Talent. If these programs show us anything, it's that Americans crave attention and judgement more than anything. And the more marginal your talent, the more attention you'll crave. The only problem is, there are SO many attention-starved, marginally talented Americans and so few judges of marginal talent. I mean, Simon and The Hoff can't be everywhere. That's were the DoF Superstar Showcase comes in. Each week, the DoF writers will select 3 contestants with a questionable supply of talent and an unquestionable overstock of delusion.

You, the DoF faithful, will then select the week's winner by leaving your vote in the comments section and emailing your vote to diaryoffools@hotmail.com. Why email too? Because everybody who votes in the DoF Superstar Showcase is entered in our new monthly T-shirt drawing, and we kind of need to know where to send the prize to (along with sizing info, etc.)

So, let's meet this week's Superstar Showcase participants, shall we?

Our first performers come into this week's Showcase as the undeniable favorites, and I think you'll see why. Performing live from the Queens Public Access studios, savor the flavor of Ellen and Donald as they perform their soon-to-be smash hit, "He Loves A Fat Girl":

Whew. A tough act to follow, for sure. But if ANY act can follow that ode to copiousness, it's the heavily-medicated Casio keyboard stylings of Ms. Jordan Thomas! Here she is, ready to blast your mind into outerspace with her show-stopper, "Mars".

All rrrright! And the Showcase is ON FIRE! And speaking of fire, ladies, make sure you have a fire extinguisher around for our next performer. He's guaranteed to leave your panties smoking. He goes by the name of Roy Al, and as he'll explain in the video, he'll be rocking you with his own distinct flavor he calls "Fresh Alternative". Performing his original song "I Found a Girl", give it up for Roy Al:

So there you have it. Vote early and vote often in the comments section and via email for your chance to win official DoF merchandise.

Let the Avalanche Begin!

LOOK OUT! Here comes the cataclysmic post-election Sarah Palin snowslide of stupidity wherein we learn little Trig isn't the only special needs member of the Palin Clan.

Sometimes, a picture really is worth a thousand words.

Click for larger version, suitable for framing.

Time to get to work.

Just HOW much support does Barack Obama have?

By Merton Sussex, Rabble-Arouser

The U.S. presidential campaign is heading into the home stretch. And, if poll numbers are to be believed, Barack Obama's going to win by a considerable margin.

Of course, the GOP, in a move reminiscent of actual racism, thinks that fake racism is going to swing things their way in the polls. But they don't call it racism. Like they usually do when discussing race, they use code-words in an attempt to camouflage their motivation. They refer to the racism they're HOPING exists using terms like "The Bradley Effect," or, "Voter's Remorse." But when you strip out the euphemism, what it boils down to is: The Right really feels like the average American isn't going to actually be able to bring themselves to pull the lever for a black man once in the privacy of the polling booth.

Me? I call bullshit. And why?

Because even shameless, flaming racists are gay for Obama.

Witness this article from Esquire.com. They surveyed a handful of active white supremicists, and...no shit...3 of the four support Obama.

"McCain would be much worse. He’s a warmonger. He’s a scary, scary person--more dangerous than Bush," says Tom Metzger, Grand Dragon of the Ku Klux Klan during the 70's. You might remember him as Geraldo's guest the day his nose got broken. In addition, they talked to a man named Erich Gliebe, Chairman of the white power group National Alliance, and former boxer who hit the ring with the name "The Aryan Barbarian." Of the junior Senator from Illinois, he said, "I give Obama credit, he seems to have stuck to his guns as far as pulling the troops out of Iraq. He’s a very intelligent man, an excellent speaker and has charisma. John McCain offers none of that."

So, the Klan and Aryan nations peeps are on board, ready to rock with Barack. Who else?

Well, the Jackson Clarion-Ledger, Jackson Mississippi's daily newspaper, has endorsed Obama for President, too. You can read about it here.

"So what?" you say? "A lot of newspapers are endorsing Obama. And hey, just because they're from Mississippi, that doesn't necessarily mean they're racist, so don't stereotype." And you'd be well within your rights to say that.

However, I refer to them as "racist" because of their unfortunate history. The day after Dr. Martin Luther King's famous "I have a Dream" speech in 1963, when almost a quarter-million African-Americans marched on Washington demanding jobs, freedom, and civil rights, the above-the-fold headline on top of the front page of the Jackson Clarion-Ledger read: "WASHINGTON IS CLEAN AGAIN WITH NEGRO TRASH REMOVED." Yeah. Really.

We shall overcome, indeed.

This Day in History: 1957

The Soviet Union increases its lead in the so-called "Space Race" by launching Sputnik II, the first spacecraft to carry a live animal into orbit. That animal - a dog named Laika - would serve to answer one of space travel's most pressing questions at the time:

"How would zero gravity affect a cosmonaut's ability to lick their own anus?"