The Curious Case of J.J.

At some point in our lives, we have all been there. We've all been confronted with random acts of ignorance or stupidity. Be it the jerk that cuts us off in traffic, the cashier who can't count quite fast enough, or the idiot blaring unbelievably loud metal music from his headphones in a public place, you have, at some point in your life, encountered a situation that made you pause and rethink your moral opinion on the use of violence as a means of expression. As rational human beings, we are quickly able to catch ourselves before our inner Charles Manson is unleashed. But there is that moment, before you come to your senses, where you stop and think "I swear, if I had a gun..."

Enter James Joseph Cialella, of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. While attending a Christmas night viewing of 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button', J.J. became irritated by a family of incessant noisemakers. Thoroughly disturbed that his Brad Pitt fix was being interrupted, J.J. implored the family to cease its clamor. His polite request was rebuffed and J.J. retaliated by tossing popcorn at a young son in the family. Finding that this was not a sufficient outlet for his troubles, Mr. Cialella rose from his seat and approached the family. As J.J. neared, the father of this rambunctious family rose from his own seat and was subsequently greeted by a shot in the arm from J.J.'s .380-caliber handgun.

Now it's up to you to decide how you feel about this story. You may call J.J. a monster, a lunatic, a sociopath. You may feel that his actions were unwarranted and unnecessary. But if you dig deep a bit deeper you will realize that there is a bit of J.J. lurking within us all. And then, perhaps, you will call him a hero.

And really, shouldn't we turn our attention to the real question - Why was a 29 year-old man alone watching 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button' on Christmas night? That, my dear friends, is the true crime.

Santa isn't real

An honest conversation with my friend's kid.

Me: So, Nate, what the heck is on your Christmas list this year? A Hannah Montana sleeping bag, the new Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus Light Up Designer Studio? The Hannah Montana Holiday Singing Doll or the Hannah "I'm frickin’ everywhere" Montana Pink Folding Vinyl Umbrella? Or perhaps, you’d like the new Jonas Brothers cd?

Nate: No way! All that is for girls!

Me: Well, your mom actually wanted a girl, so maybe you should put one of those items on your list. It would make her feel better about spending 72 hours in labor with you.

Nate: Labor?

Me: We’ll talk about the birds and the bees another time.

Nate: I want Santa to bring me the Eyeclops Night Vision Infrared Stealth Goggles and LEGO Star Wars Republic Gunship.

Me: Santa? There is no Santa.

Nate: Huh?

Me: The Santa Claus tradition is a secularized substitute for the real meaning of Christmas, don't you know? Which is causing more secularization and even more mass consumerism. Furthermore, the practice of the Santa Claus tradition is contrary to the Gospel. For Santa involves the willing suspension of disbelief, in which the hearers of the story know and understand the story to be merely a story, whereas in the practice of the modern-day Santa Claus tradition children are being led to believe the story is true, and thus are being intentionally deceived by a deliberate falsehood. That is, they are being lied to, which is wrong.

Nate: What does all that mean?

Me: I have no idea, I read it somewhere. Jesus killed Santa. That's all you need to know.

Nate: My parents have been lying to me?

Me: Your parents, your friends, your friends’ parents, television, the internet, all of them are liars. Just like with the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny. It’s not a coincidence Santa is Satan spelled backwards.

Nate: (tears) The Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny aren't real either?

Me: Don’t cry, learning the truth about this is a milestone towards your adulthood. Just don’t tell your mom I told you. If you do, you won’t get anymore presents.

Happy Holidays*!

* Only if you are white, heterosexual and "Christian" (you should aslo probably be a male)

By Lucy Parker

I'm a festive person, I love all holidays. But most of all I love celebrating holidays, I really get into them. For example, Christmas. I started listening to Christmas music two weeks ago. It makes me happy, pure and simple. I love all the decorations, the trees, the lights, the very typical holiday fun.

One of the things I miss living in New York is driving around and looking at people's Christmas lights. When those giant snow globes came out, I was amazed (and slightly annoyed). But, this year I have found an outdoor Christmas display that takes the cake. The racist cake.

That's right kiddies for a small suggested donation of just over $80 to the American Family Association, you too can have this glowing '5"5 cross prominently displayed on your front yard this Christmas. For some reason this is reminding me of something. Hmmmmm. My guess is that this will be a real popular item in the South.

There is nothing quite like the holiday spirit. And, for the folks over at the American Family Association, their holiday spirit is filled with something extra special: hate. The American Family Association is an ultra conservative “Christian” group that pretty much dislikes, oh I dunno, everyone. If you visit their website, afa.net, you’ll notice several links which you may click on. But, if you want some real entertainment click on the products link.

I find they're DVD selection to be quite riveting. Here are my top two personal favorites.

“They’re Coming to Your Town”, (DVD) the website describes the DVD as such :

"Residents of the small Arkansas town of Eureka Springs noticed the homosexual community was growing. But they felt no threat. They went about their business as usual. Then, one day, they woke up to discover that their beloved Eureka Springs, a community which was known far and wide as a center for Christian entertainment--had changed. The City Council had been taken over by a small group of homosexual activists.

The Eureka Springs they knew is gone. It is now a national hub for homosexuals. Eureka Springs is becoming the San Francisco of Arkansas. The story of how this happened is told in the new AFA DVD “They’re Coming To Your Town. . . . . City Council member Joyce Zeller said the city will now be promoted, not as a Christian resort, but a city “selling peace, relaxation, history and sex.”

WHAT? PEACE? DEAR GOD NO! Did you say RELAXATION? I can’t even bear to continue, all of these things are horrible!

https://store.afa.net/player/player.asp?movie=http://www.afa.net/videos/60secpromo_store.flv

(click here to watch the trailer!)

“It’s Not Gay” (DVD) described as follows:

"It's Not Gay presents a story that few have heard, allowing former homosexuals the opportunity to tell their own story in their own words. Along with medical and mental health experts, these individuals express a clear warning that the sanitized version of homosexuality being presented to students is not the whole truth.

Uncompromising, yet compassionate, It's Not Gay is a fair and balanced approach to this challenging subject."

Something tells me that their idea of "fair and balanced" equates to fear and bigotry. I can't even make fun of this, it's just too dumb. So thank you AFA for being the Grinch, the Scrooge, for a holiday celebrating the birth of a man who promoted peace, love and acceptance of all people.